So depleted.
Suffering chronic loneliness. Took a risk, said yes to coffee with a guy, everything seemed to be going fine, get ghosted unexpectedly. Dealing with thoughts and emotions for days until I finally crash, sobbing on my apartment floor, and write in my diary:
"It's not enough. Nothing is enough. The highest of feelings I have felt are meaningless and forgotten in the presence of this crushing despair. I feel so alone, so unseen. This feeling is so consuming, so endless. It's insufferable to be in this body, in this mind, in this world. Alone, alone, alone. I don't want to exist. I'm sick of trying.
Eventually I settle. My eyes are swollen, my nose is congested, my body is heavy. A voice reaches me like through a fog; you'll be okay. Everything will be okay. This won't last forever. You'll feel happy again, then sad, then happy. This is life. It's not wrong, it's not unusual. I hug myself. I rub my shoulders. Its okay again. I feel calm, still, warm."
That was yesterday, now I'm just empty and exhausted. I can feel it on my face; that glazed over, zoned out look. What kind of a life is this? Always being alone, having to resort to self-soothing?
What do you do on this rollercoaster? How do you survive? How do you enjoy the ride?