I will get hate for this, it's fine, I accept it.
I (M 27) was bullied in school with varying degrees of severity from about Kindergarden all the way to 10th Grade. It went from getting my backpack in the toilet, getting punched for talking back, blackmailed by one "friend", verbally assaulted by both men and women, slapped in the face, I remember everything. I never reported it, I always suffered in silence, or made minor complaints to my parents, who never intervened because I didn't explain things in full, so I don't blame them for not doing anything, except my dad who would say multiple times that "I liked it" because I didn't ignore them when ignoring didn't do jack shit. The only times it would go to the office was when it happened in front of teachers or other students reported it (The latter was less likely than the former).
However, for about a semester in 8th Grade I started having the shit mentality of "If I get bullied, I'll just bully people below me". I did for the most part verbal shit, I was an asshole, but I remember it going physical at least 3 times where I punched dudes. I don't even know why, I just lashed out and I did it. I called them names. It stopped when my mom got me behavior medication and I was threatened with suspension by the principal, as I was reported in the most severe cases. I was an asshole and I apologized for my behavior to every single one of them, as I owed it to them years later. I am grateful they all forgave me, but my expectations for all of them was hostility from their part, justified hostility might I add.
Now TBH I was a very unlikable dude back then, I was annoying, I talked back, I would insult at random. Shit, I was probably the most disliked guy in my 9th Grade classroom. Now, my problem is that I feel that: So, reddit, what do I do, how do I feel? Are my feelings valid, or should I just ignore it because I was a bully too?
Now, my problem is that I feel that:
- My apologies were not enough and that I should do more, but I don't know what more to do.
- I am a hypocrite, because I know I wouldn't forgive those who bullied me.
- My feelings aren't really that valid and I have no room to complain of being bullied because I did it too. It doesn't matter for how little time I did it compared to being bullied, because it happened anyways.
So, reddit, what do I do, how do I feel? Are my feelings valid, or should I just ignore it because I was a bully too?
TL;DR: I was bullied for roughly 10 years, but I feel my feelings aren't really valid because I did it too for a semester in 8th grade and I shouldn't complain.