u/AnonTodayGoneTomo

My child (14 AFAB) was officially diagnosed at age 11. We began to suspect ASD when they were almost 9. We live in a small area and went through 2 years of waiting lists and misplaced paperwork before finally giving up and paying out of pocket for a private assessment with a psychologist. Both before and during that time, not a single educator or medical professional raised a hand to say they had their suspicions. We were offered no accommodations while we awaited the diagnosis. Because the diagnosis was considered late in life, we have no resources available to us. Every center specializing in supporting kids and their parents only accept early intervention cases (under age 5) due to the lack of support staff available. I’ve essentially had to navigate this alone - researching, trying to understand my child’s brain, years of trial and error. It was exhausting. Even though I’ve finally hit a groove and can effectively guide my child most of the time, it’s still exhausting.

My stepson, same age, has ADHD. A teacher in the last six months mentioned they suspected he was on the spectrum. Within weeks, without a formal diagnosis, he was evaluated by the school and found to meet the state educational threshold for accommodations for autism. No diagnosis necessary.

I realize everyone with ASD is different and that I am not the expert, but there’s not a single thing he does that matches anything my child experiences. I don’t even see some of the stereotypical well-known signs. His ADHD is well controlled with meds and any kind of crossover symptoms (like minor stimming) are mitigated with his prescription. When he sees my child struggling, he says he doesn’t understand what they’re going through because he’s never felt like that.

Maybe he really is on the spectrum. Who am I to say he isn’t? But I am feeling this weird ownership of an autism diagnosis. As if because my child and I worked hard for years and nothing seemed easy, it’s not fair that he gets to use that title. I hate that I feel that way. It’s so unreasonable. Why would anyone want to selfishly own that? I want my stepson to have supports. I want him to succeed in life. Maybe it’s because his process was so EASY?

I don’t want to think this way. What can I do to change course here?

I work for a small marketing agency and part of my role is project management. I manage designers, copywriters, and digital media. I know I’m good at what I do and never have an issue managing designers and copy. We have set processes in place, chains of command, etc. The entire team keeps me in the loop and 99% of the time things run smoothly with them.

And then there’s the media team. The lead on the team is key to our success, as he has a very specialized set of skills in the primary (and niche) industry we work for. When I say he’s a unicorn, it’s not an exaggeration. Finding someone else like him with his experience (30+ years in this niche market) and clout would be a miracle. He barely keeps me in the loop. Doesn’t share media plans, even with clients. Doesn’t play nice with the rest of the team. He goes rogue on a daily basis. I have been trying to manage him for years with no success. He has also been the #1 reason why other project managers or people hired to support only him have all quit. He doesn’t communicate, isn’t operational, doesn’t train his employees. We are a remote company and he will go on vacation (even leaving the country) and not tell anyone. We only find out when he is unreachable or working at odd hours, which leaves us all in the lurch.

The thing is, I don’t believe any of it is nefarious. Ego, maybe, but really his mind is going a million miles an hour and he can’t be bothered to put it down on paper. But for any workflow to jive, it’s a must that he works with the team. I think every employee has complained about him. And every employee is told that we have to “manage him”. Our CEO has had multiple conversations with him about these habits, but even that doesn’t change anything.

I feel like I am babysitting a grown man. I’m there to support him, not to be his secretary. Both he and I are members of our senior team. I’m a decision maker, not a gofer. Even so, I’m the one who catches flack when he isn’t under control. I’m told it’s “just who he is” and that I have to figure out how to get him organized. The man can’t even remember to keep me in copy on client emails so I have visibility into projects. How am I supposed to be his wrangler? I don’t know what I don’t know, so it’s past the point of being impossible.

Is this par for the course? When does effectively managing different personalities start to become a bit ridiculous?