I had a sexual relationship with my uncle when I was a minor
For context, yes I have been sexually assaulted and exploited by several people as a child before this incident and had a porn addiction when I was 9. (I know! Yikes!)
When I was 16-17 I had this weird sexual relationship with my uncle (50 yo at the time). We were always close, and I could talk to him about everything and anything; But it just kept getting increasingly more and more sexual.
One Christmas he stayed with us for like a week and we flirted hard and there were late nights when it was just the two of us. Eventually it got to the point where I was taking his hands and putting them on my chest, giving him permission to grope me. This progressed, and he touched me everywhere. Fingering me, sucking my nipples, licking/biting me, and I… liked it, I wanted him to do it. I touched him too. I sucked him off, and we were enjoying ourselves. We never had sex, but we would flirt and “joke” about it.
I didn’t really have any issues about this interactions at first other than him almost breaking my 1 condition which was no kissing (for some reason kissing was more intimate to me than sex at the time). It really scared me when he tried to kiss me, and he later apologized, saying it was an automatic impulse from the sexual interactions we were having.
The following months I had really bad feelings about the whole thing. I had terrible dysphoria, and I couldn’t help but feel like I was groomed. Especially after he made me promise to be hush hush about the whole thing. When I expressed this to him he said that he felt like he was the one being taken advantage of because I did most of the initiating. For a while this convinced me that I was in the wrong, and that I sexually assaulted him.
I dont want to get anyone in trouble I just want to understand what happened. From everything I’ve researched, if a child is coming onto an adult the appropriate response is to shut them down and avoid leading them on. I don’t believe my uncle is a bad person, and I don’t think he is a pedophile (he says i was the only minor he had feelings like this towards) and I want to believe that he is the victim, but looking back, he indulged me like this, flirting back for months. Responsible adults aren’t supposed to flirt back to minors.
Yes I did the initiating, and yes I wanted him to flirt with me and touch me, but the fact that he did just makes me feel weird.
Am I in the wrong here for seducting him when I was a minor? Or is he in the wrong for going along with it?
Im so confused and I can’t talk to anyone about this because I don’t want him to get in trouble, I just need to get it off my chest!
I know children can sexually assault adults, but this feels like more than that!?! It’s like we assaulted each other?!?