u/AnswerRealistic6636

My 81 yo mother moved in with me recently. She did not plan for what would happen to her when she was no longer able to care for herself. No long term care insurance, nothing. She begrudgingly dumped herself on me, fighting me tooth and nail the entire time.

She whined about needing occupational therapy for her hand tremors, complaining that the new doctor never asked her about it. She's had frequent UTIs and I've had my hands full with establishing primary care and all her other needs. I have now gotten her into occupational therapy which takes up quite a bit of my time. I have a full career and I feel like it's suffering.

The therapist is good, firm, pushes her. She recognizes my mother's learned helplessness, which has been an issue my entire life with her. I just kind of feel like this is another way my mother wants to get attention and care. She tells the OT things she hasn't told me. Like she's sore all of the time. I don't feel she's actually commited to improving. We started off doing well with at home exercise and now she's finding excuses not to do them. Today it was exteme constipation. The day before she was just too weak, which is an everday complaint btw.

Now I'm left wondering why do I bother? Just let her wither in her arm chair and I'll continue to cut up her food until her last breath. It would at least save me 4 hours out of my week. All she cares about it is sparkly, pretty things and her geriatric cat.

I know I will contine to push on, but damn, this is thankless and soul sucking. If she had been a good mother to me maybe I would feel differently.

EDITED FOR UPDATE:

Thank you all for your replies. I was having a very bad night last night with her and needed to vent.

I won't neglect her, but it's frustrating to put aside time to do her at home exercises only to have her say she's too weak to do them or doesn't feel good enough. And then when she says she's ready, I'm trying to make dinner which has to be carefully considered since she can't have gluten.

The OT actually asked me to wait in the lobby during her last appointment because she feels my mother is too dependent on me. So I left. I guess it went ok?

She wants my mom to see a neurologist and then continue on with physical therapy once she has completed the 8 weeks of OT. I'm hoping to be able to get someone to come to our home, but I didn't have much luck with that when my husband needed PT for a broken elbow last summer. And she's generally mobile, so I've been told that Medicare won't cover in home care.

I work from home most of the time and will be looking into hiring someone to come on the one day a week I go into the office. We have a general safety plan worked out. She only showers if I'm home. I've convinced her to stop going outside to try to get packages she orders and let me get them. But she gets in her own way. She's created a mess around her power recliner, which is exactly what she was doing when I moved her out. It's just never enough for her, which is exactly how I felt as a child and teenager. It's exhausting.

I moved my 80yo mother in with us in January. She's a hoarder of make-up among other things, but make up is her biggest "hobby." She's also disorganized and a huge slob, always has been. My adult daughter and I made several trips to her area before the move to try to get things packed and organized. I'd like to be kind and say that she wasn't able to do any of it herself because of her health, but that's only part of the reason. She has been lazy her entire life about things like that. She had so much junk and we had to move her stuff during an extreme weather event. We donated and threw away a lot of her things, keeping what she had identifed as absolutely needing.

Back to the make-up. She brought so much make up to our house that it filled our entire dining room table and side table. It was absolutely insane. My daughter did her best to go through it with her, but she kept getting overwhelmed and tired. Mom kept a lot of it and my daughter got rid of what she didn't want to keep. I needed it out of my dining room.

A couple of days later Mom complained to be that my daughter acted as though she was in charge of the make-up and "that's not right." I was puzzled at first and replied that my daughter was just trying to help her and that there was no way we could keep all of that make up in our house. Then she told me that my daughter was going through her things and had been trying to steal a set of make up brushes. I said that couldn't be true. In fact, my mother told her to go to her room and look through the make up that was in there (yes there was some in there too) and take what she wanted. She dug her heels in and insisted my daughter was stealing. She also complained about a suitcase full of make up being missing. She insisted that she left it in the front hallway of her apartment as a to-keep item. I knew what she was talking about and threw it away on moving day. It was tucked away in her closet. I just told her I didn't know where it was and that I hadn't seen it.

She has brought these two things up, the so-called theft and the suitcase, several times. Each time I have defended my daughter and asked her to stop bringing this up. I am already under a tremendous amount of stress due to my marriage, which she knows about. I told her that I had talked to my daughter about this, who says she did not steal anything. I believe her. She doesn't need make-up brushes and has a ton of her own. I thought the issue was over after my mother told me that she had spoken to my daughter and given her the make up brushes after all. Yes, after all that fuss.

But then she sent my daughter a text the other day demanding her make up brushes (different ones), cleaning mats, and soap. My daughter asked me what Mom was talking about because she didn't have any of those things. Then Mom approached me, asking me not to get upset first, about the text she sent, accusing my daughter of avoiding her by not coming home after work and ignoring her text. Went on to say that my daughter had stolen her deodorant before the move. Brought up the damn suitcase again.

I told her that I truly thought we had put this issue to rest, among other things. I told her I would replace whatever brushes and mats and soap she needed. She didn't want that because I guess these are magical, one of kind make up brushes. I asked her what she wanted. She said that she just wanted me to know and that we wouldn't discuss it again.

I'm really, truly tired of this. I don't know why she is so obsessed with her make-up as opposed to her other things. I don't know why she can't let it go or why her first thought is that my daughter is a deodorant and make up thief and not that she probably misplaced said items or doesn't remember the incident correctly. She's perfectly fine with me cooking her meals, managing her meds, taking her to doctors appointments, doing her laundry, and cleaning up after her. But never lets me forget, she's in charge of her make up. And the kicker is she has hand tremors and can't apply it correctly. But I guess this is the make up hill she wants to die on. She'd rather alienate me and my daughter over eyeshadow. I think she's actually angry at me for not protecting all of her clutter, but can't be so she's transferring her anger to my daughter because it's safer. I'm also wondering if she's sliding into dementia.

Thanks for letting me vent. Therapy day isn't until Monday.