r/AgingParents

It occurred to me today that my dad has a child who lets him live his life, doesn't boss him around and doesn't meddle in his business (exactly how he likes it), but she has firm boundaries around what she'll do for him, and he has a child who would do anything for him, she would probably light herself on fire for him, but she is constantly all up in his business telling him what to do.

Unfortunately they are not the same child, it is two separate children who live 4 hours apart with a sea between them, and he's trying to decide which one he should move closer to. 🤣

This is mostly venting but here it goes:

Mom is going on vacation with a friend for 4 days. She is taking her laptop because she needs to pay bills but is not good with computers and doesn’t know how to connect to resort wi fi. I’ve told her (not just this time but before) that she can ask the resort staff for help to get her connected.

But, she keeps saying she “doesn’t want others to know she can’t use the computer” but my mother is 72. I REALLY don’t think people expect her to be tech literate. (Although I kind do, considering she’s had a personal computer since she was 54 and had ample time to learn to use technology she actively refused to, saying that using technology was “beneath her” but that’s another post for another day 😬)

Rather thank ask the staff for help, she said she will just be late on her bills. But like…why? It would take the staff 5 seconds to help her connect but she would rather just not ask for help?!

What’s really grinding my gears is that she has no issue asking me for help with phone and computer almost all day, every day, but when she needs to ask for help from someone’s who’s job it is to help her during her stay, for something quick, ONE TIME during her stay, she just…refuses? Huh?

I am trying to cope but telling myself that “as backwards as I believe her decision is, it’s her right and she has freedom to make decisions I disagree with” but I just know she’ll most likely guilt trip me about down the road. Ugh

Is it wrong to hate caring for my father? I like cooking for him, and sharing a laugh, but the rest is so emotionally and spiritually painful. Most days I don’t want to come home after work, and I can’t wait to leave and be away again. Sometimes I feel like a piece of shit, sometimes I wonder why this is my job and not my sister’s job instead. Sometimes I’m angry at my dad, other times it’s just pity. I just turned 24. I haven’t even been doing this that long, a little under two years. I’m emotionally and financially supporting my mom, and doing damn near everything for dad. I wish I could wake up in a different reality. I’m coping fine 99% of the time, but pretty numb. Does it get better?

My 90 year old father is in the hospital and things are not looking great. A bad UTI is not responding to antibiotics like it should and he is in and out of delirium. Our relationship has been difficult at times. Nothing major, but we have different outlooks on life and often have not been on the same page. That said, I love him fiercely and try to do my best to help him. Having lost my mother and my SO in the past two years, he's the last link to the only world I know.

Today I took him by the hand and said, "I apologize for being so hard to get along with. I wish I had done better. I love you." He smiled and said, " don't have regrets. I love you too." Then he squeezed my hand and held on to it a long time.

Whatever happens, that is a gift I will hang on to.

So, my pops and I aren't that close due to his years of constant manipulation, I talk to him about once a month (if I'm lucky), or once a week. I try my best not to visit because thats when the favors start being asked. He called yesterday saying he was going up to the cabin (up north on 14 acres with an outhouse, but he regularly cries about how he can't walk well or get around) so I check out on our conversation until he says "if my car makes it, it has a bump"

A what? Explain.

He at first says "a building jumped out in front of me and wrecked my car."

Dude what now? What tf are you talking about.

"Well, you know how my gas and break pedal are too close, I couldn't feel my feet and thought I was hitting the brake and I was hitting the gas... anyway, I hope my car makes it there and back."

Jesus christ, wtf. I am in no place in my life to handle this. This man isn't even 70 yet and doing this crap. I don't want to move him into my house, it'll literally tear my marriage a part. Hus dog hates everyone, otger dogs and cats included. So it's just this huge no go.

There's just this part of me that's so happy that it was just with a building this time, and no one was hurt, so I can ignore this for just a while longer... I know that sounds horrible, but you all don't know the half of his nonsense.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Mom is 83. I'm it, no other family. She's in hospital due to a huge scare. The doctor thinks she has Sundowners. I've read up on it. We don't live close, other ends of the country. We never talked about what we should do in bad situations. Now this. She has built a life in Florida for the last 20+ years. She wants to come to me, as she knows me and has been confused about a lot. She's ok in the morning, but starts fading around 2. I've no idea what to do. I can't take care of her and am busy with work and life. If I bring her to me, she loses everything she had there. I'm not sure she would understand the loss. I'm uncertain of how to proceed.

If anyone can offer suggestions I'd gladly hear them.

My mother is in her late 80s and has lived in the same house for sixty-three years. She has had the same phone number for almost that long. She receives endless scam calls all day long. She has fallen for more than one of these scams, but I think at this point she has finally stopped talking to them. Today between 8:30 and noon she has already received eight calls. This will continue into the night. We have tried to convince her to get rid of her phone and use her cell phone, but she refuses. We have suggested turning off her ringer and checking her answering machine throughout the day, but she refuses. We have suggested changing her number to no avail. When we block a number they just call from a different number. We have paid for Incognito, it has not helped at all. Has anyone found a service that can actually stop scam calls? I swear they target residential phone lines knowing most are well into their senior years. I’m in my 60s and none of my peers have landlines at this point and most are well versed on scams so I think the next generation up are their primary targets.

My mom (55) has changed a lot in the past 6 months, physically and mentally.

She's half the size that she was. She lost a tremendous amount of weight and is definitely at an unhealthy weight. She's not the same person that she used to be.

Her mental state is also very different. She gets very stubborn, refuses to leave her house. I had a baby last week and she hasn't seen her yet which is very unlike her.

My sister has tried talking to her but she won't budge. I considered speaking with her family physician but figure there's not much she can do if my mom doesn't want help.

Considering how much weight she lost I'm concerned there's something serious happening and I feel like there's nothing I can do.

I have three young children who means the world to her but she hasn't come seen them in months 😢

Remember when Willy Wonka came out of the factory stumbling and barely able to walk and then he does the back flip and surprises everyone ? Does anyone struggle with their loved ones acting as if they were on death’s door, not even able to lift their heads off the pillow, sleeping all day, etc. And then when certain people are around (particularly peers and not family) they are able to do cartwheels and look/act as spry as a teenager? I feel terrible thinking I should be so happy that they want to do things with these other people, do they just feel comfortable enough around family that they don’t put on a facade around us? Are they in tremendous pain when they are performing for these people ? I’m so conflicted

I honestly don’t know how to fix this one, but it’s only gotten worse with age. My mom genuinely doesn’t listen to me at least 50-60% of the time. She’ll hear 2 words out of 30. The worst is the random anger and irritability over the dumbest stuff.. any moment can lead to an explosion.

And if she does decide to listen, she’ll act like I’m deeply inconveniencing her even though all she’s doing is watching Fox News at max volume. I can’t disagree with her or she is likely to shut down completely depending on the topic.

if you ever met people like this, they make their own life more stressful than it needs to be.

I get down sometimes if I think about it too much, but I mean what can I do?

A few days ago I posted about my elderly mother's (87) tendency to use the word "we" whenever she needs or wants something done around the house. And it seems like a lot of people experience the same issue with their aging parents.

So yesterday she did it again. She said that "we" need to move an appliance from where it is to another spot. And this was at the end of a very long day when I had spent hours on cleaning and gardening. So I said to her that "we" aren't going to move it today, I'll do it another day.

She looked at me and said "I know you don't like me using the word 'we' and you want me to say 'you' but I don't say that because I don't want to sound like I'm ordering you around."

I replied to her that it doesn't matter if she uses the word "we" to feel better about it, in the end it's "me" who has to do it so, what's the difference? She said that if she could do it she would, but she can't. And left it at that.

And it hit me. My mother is a covert/vulnerable narcissist. She has many chronic health conditions and has made her illnesses a central part of her personality as well as a reason that she should receive special treatment.

(For example, we had a huge argument last week that she should be receiving disability benefits but she doesn't fit the definition of someone with a disability; she's just old. She didn't like that.)

And before anyone thinks "yeah but she's sick", she worked all her life, right up until she was 60 years old. She has come through multiple surgeries. She has lived, at this point, 7 years longer than any of her siblings, her parents died in their 50s and 60s, and she outlived my father who was the same age as her. In fact I can count on one hand the number of her close relatives who are still living and made it past 80. So while she is indeed elderly and in delicate health, my entire life, starting when I was maybe 10 or 11, she has made me her caretaker rather than accept help from anyone else.

And yet, I don't think I've ever heard her say to someone, ever, that she is grateful for what I do because to her, it's a sign of weakness that she can't do it herself. So when she is using the word "we", I think she truly views me as an extension of herself.

And so to use a simple request like: "when you have a minute, can you please move this thing to the cupboard for me?" seems almost impossible for her. Because to her, I am her arms, her legs, her eyes so why would she ask me to please do something for her?

Anyway, no advice needed. Just something I'm working through because I'm trying to learn through all of this how *not* to behave with my own adult children as I age.

My dad (84) who has tried to live very independently until almost a month ago when we had an urgent care visit, was told on Monday by his PCP that I was going to be activated as his health care proxy since he had stopped taking his meds for 3 months up until that initial urgent care visit. I was shocked - dad seemed sharp, but the PCP has a background in geriatrics. Even though he'd started taking his meds again, she felt it was time, I guess.

Some stuff is in the works now - the PCP set us up with advance directive, VSO for a disability claim, home care aide, in-home primary care, and a VNA. I have the (amazing) support of his siblings, but they're also in their 80s. I'm an only child, and have now become his only transportation (unless the VA disability changes that, but I know that takes a while...). He also has Medicare, but I really don't know what access to information I have as activated proxy. I am not POA.

Things went from independent living to being on the phone and at his house so often my head is spinning. He had a massive hoarding situation (pests included) we discovered at the initial urgent care visit that finally got under control on Monday in preparation for care. He still seems to be able to handle his finances *okay* for now but he doesn't do anything online and having to drive him around to pay bills just feels... unnecessary?

I want to involve my dad as much as possible in his decisions, but he can be paranoid around strangers, and doesn't take certain medications he's prescribed because he's suspicious of them (the latter which was news to me). We're still going to get in-home care, but I think about his hoarding - we didn't throw out anything that wasn't trash, and even if I KNOW he won't use a lot of the stuff he owns, it feels unethical to get rid of it now - but I'm not looking forward to the day I'd have to clear out his apartment if things tank. Plus I want him to be able to find his things and move around - his mobility is already not great and if his cognitive level declines I'd love to create consistency with his possessions.

TLDR; what can I ethically do about his living situation as health care proxy, and where do I really even go from here? His PCP didn't really explain anything to me, and I searched the sub and didn't find much in regard to our situation (forgive me if it's out there). Thank you!

After talking with families and clients over the years, one pattern shows up repeatedly.

When a parent begins needing help, family members often don’t know:
-what accounts exist
-where legal documents are stored
-what medications they take
-who has power of attorney
-what bills are on autopay

The emotional side is hard enough. The operational side often creates just as much stress.

The families who fare best are usually the ones who start organizing early.

What was the most difficult piece of information to locate when you began helping a parent?

My sibling and I have made many attempts to have "the talk" with our elderly mother about her living situation and care plan, but she basically refused. It came to a head last year when she has her first (known to us) fall, TBI and 2 craniotomies. She fell again this weekend (9 months later), but luckily she is ok this time. However, my sister and I have decided we cannot continue to support the idea of her living alone in an unsafe situation or her lies about her health (this has been a pattern, and she even told my sibling not to tell me about this recent fall). I know we should approach this with how it is hurting us, putting us in a cycle of crisis, and causing unnecessary stress. We both understand her desire for autonomy which is why we NEED to have this conversation before the next crisis. We are done babying her and putting it off, and we are willing to walk away from her if she doesn't want to talk because we refuse to watch her destroy herself and my siblings lives (my sibling is local I am not. She has chronic illnesses exacerbated by stress). We already have a structure in mind for how we would like to steer the conversation. I would love to know what you said to your stubborn parent clinging to independence that actually got through to them. Something that tore their heart open and whipped them back into reality. I know that may not be a realistic expectation, but I want to be thoughtful about what we say to her.

I’ve been thinking, sometimes anxiously, about my parents’ situation. Need ideas from those who *successfully dealt with* parents who are aging but aren’t financially prepared.

As a background, I am Asian so culturally there’s expectation to be there for your parents when they’re older and awfully to even be their retirement fund (though my generation is doing our best to change this). My parents do not have their own home and are staying at a relative’s house. They have a bit of pension and some savings, but mathematically I do not think these will be enough if someone gets admitted to the hospital. They both do not have health insurances.

My goal is to protect my future and my future family’s as I am planning to settle down at some point with my partner. I fuckin’ hate family dramas so I want to prepare for the worst case (i.e. they get really old and too broke). I am doing my best to help but in a way that doesn’t destroy my future.

Below are what I’ve been doing, but want to get further inputs especially from those who successfully navigated this situation:

1. Bring up discussions around their retirement plan and pressure them to have one (this resulted to them having a bit of savings)

2. Constantly remind them that they’re responsible for their retirement

3. Worst-case, if I cannot help them with what I have, say no and let it be

Thanks!

Mom (72) is living alone, but that’s what she wants. She was diagnosed with cancer last year, and it’s just spread like wild fire—now into her brain. Her already cantankerous attitude now amplified. I’ve read that brain cancer can change someone’s demeanor—but it’s only made her abusive behavior worse. She’s falls all the time now and she’s definitely losing her mind. I live 4 hours away. Her neighbor calls me and lets me know what’s going on. I attempted to get involved at first—because she’s absolutely in a shitty situation and I feel awful for her. But she is just so mean and nasty, I was met with abuse, denial & resistance. When I found out that she removed my name from her primary care doctor & revoked consent for me to be able to access her medical information, I made the decision to stay away. She wants my help—but not really, I think she just wants someone to kick around. She has a long long long history of pulling me in with sob stories and then gets pissed off when I try to help. But this time it’s true—she’s really sick. Ugh—the guilt. She needs to be in a nursing home. Having her in my home, with my family, is out of the question.

Ive been on this sub for a while, reading everyone’s posts and comments looking for advice. I’ve learned that when the social worker calls from the hospital, tell them that i cannot take her on and then they will place her in a nursing home. That’s what I’m waiting for.

Assuming she’s also told the hospital she doesn’t want me to know her medical status, will the hospital contact me?

My 80 yo widowed mother is in declining health, and 50 yo unemployed brother lives with her, and helps with groceries, rides to rx appointments, and basic tasks around the house. Here's my problem: he's been freely using her credit card for his own personal expenses, saying he’ll “pay her back,” but months have gone by and nothing has changed.

My Mom's conflict-averse, physically frail, and shrugs when I confront her about this, she shrugs and says, “What can I do?” My brother seems to think she “has money” because she owns a house, but in reality, she only has about $30K/year in income and spends about $60K/year before his expenses are even included, eating into her meager savings to cover the cash shortfall. A reverse mortgage isn't an option; she already has a sizable HELOC against the house. She has a few years of runway left until we have to do something drastic, like sell the house.

I live out of town, so I’m trying to figure out practical ways to protect her financially without completely blowing up the living situation. My brother clearly has no shame, and has no interest in driving a taxi or waiting tables while he "looks" for a job (if that's even happening).

Has anyone dealt with a situation like this? What worked? This is essentially elder abuse.

I’ve posted here recently so if you need any back story you can look back at my last post. A very quick recap, I was adopted when I was 3 to a severely mentally ill mother (couldn’t get out of bed for 5 years, would hurt herself, be very verbally abusive towards me). This past month my mother got spinal surgery and has made one bad decision after another and cannot seem to make any good plans for herself. She is getting discharged this weekend to her home. I asked her if she had a mattress (the original one was ruined because she left a rehab early and couldn’t of course move) and she said that she order one and it should be there. I went over to her house and it was a 2” foam mattress topper. I asked her about it and stated she needed an actual mattress and she kept arguing with me that she doesn’t. I’m also cat sitting her cats and I’m going away this weekend so I told her I would bring the cats over Monday. She is freaking out that I won’t bring them over sooner. I stated that if she had a cat sitter I would be comfortable with bringing them before I left for the weekend (I have my upstairs neighbor that was going to watch them). I also stated that she needs to like a cat sitter up for the next month just in case she can’t take care of them. She cannot bend over and can’t walk more than a few feet with a walker. She flatly refused. I gave her basically an ultimatum that I’m done trying to help and be involved if she doesn’t get a mattress, a cat sitter for the weekend, and a cat sitter lined up for the next month or so I’m done helping her because I don’t want to be responsible or witness a train wreck. She told me to stay away and that I’ve been a terrible daughter and haven’t helped her and stuff like that. How do you know when it’s time to go no contact? I think I’m done. I don’t have a single happy memory with her.

Hi! I (16F) am going through a dilemma with my mom (50F), and I'm not sure what to do.

For context, I've always been with my mama since I was just a few months old; she's not exactly my real mom- the only legal relation we have is the fact that she now has full custody of me because of stuff that happened with my biological mother, but I love her deeply as if she gave birth to me.

Now, I'm no stranger to rude old-heads, especially since I am Afro-Caribbean and grew up around rather narcissistic adults, and I'm not oblivious to the fact that my mother is getting old, but there is something that is bothering me that I think is a factor of her gradual age.

Lately, my mother has been becoming more and more aggressive toward others and me, and it's becoming quite concerning. She's usually bubbly, but lately she's been acting out. Recently, about 2-3 months ago, she had to cut ties with her best friend of who-knows-how-long, whom I considered an aunt because she stole money from her. When I tried to ask her about it, she immediately dismissed it, saying it was one of the men she would "sell" to. However, when I asked my aunt, she said otherwise and even provided proof.

Not only that, she's been lashing out at me more and more. As most people know, teenagers can be quite moody, snarky, and a bit snappy- and I'm no exception to this- but when it comes to my mother, I never dared to even cross her with the slightest bit of sarcasm. Until now.

Last weekend, I was on an overnight trip to Virginia that my school had planned. The day before we were supposed to be leaving, my mother told me to take out the braids I had had in for about two months. Of course, this process takes about 30 minutes to 1 hour for me because I'm not familiar with doing my own hair. That was the first ever style I did on myself since combing out my locs, and I wanted to be careful in taking down my hair. After that, I had to wash and blow-dry it, which didn't take long, but it was already pushing 6pm because I also had school that day.

Before taking down my hair, my mom and I discussed the style that I would be getting (she asked first, remember that), and we agreed on a quick weave, a simple style that I could easily gather materials for and do on myself. However, the day after, she told me that I would be getting two braids done by these African stylists. Of course, I was a little disappointed; she usually ends up picking my styles for me because even when I tell her what I like, she's a little stuck in the past and still thinks that two big cornrows in my hair and unicorn shirts are cute, so obviously, I was a little upset, but I didn't object.

After I finished drying my hair, we headed out to the salon. It was already pushing 7pm when we got there, so obviously the shop was about to close for the day. My mom and I were a bit aggravated, but I told her it was fine and that I could do a natural style on myself. She objected and said that I couldn't do a style on myself (even though I had been styling my hair for the past semester), so I just went quiet and followed her around the mall.

This was when she told me to go into the beauty supply store and pick out tracks that I would use for my hair. Anyone who has had to go into a beauty supply knows how expensive it can be, so I picked the least expensive tracks there that came up to about $50, and we headed back out. While we were still in the mall, my mother wanted to get me new outfits for the trip, spending more money than we intended.

By the time we were back in the house, it was 9pm, and I immediately got started on my hair; I ended up working longer on it than I expected, but I managed to get it done by 12am, and it looked decent. After this, I headed straight to sleep, but I wasn't able to wake up early enough to pack everything I needed: water bottles I left to chill in the fridge, my bonnet, and of course, my damn curling iron. With no more time to spare, I just sighed and left out the door.

When I came home from the trip, my hair looked messed up. Obviously, I knew this, so I kept it covered with my hood the entire time. But since my mom hadn't seen it yet, she asked me to show her my hair, and this is where it started.

She immediately started to yell at me. Not a "how was your trip" or a "did you have fun." She went off on me about how she shouldn't have wasted her money on a quote "fucked up" style, and that I should've just gotten the two cornrows. I tried to explain to her that I couldn't fix it during the trip because I was rushing out the door, because if I had been any later than 7am, I would've gotten left behind. However, she didn't bother to hear any of it, and just kept ridiculing me and saying that I "couldn't take care of shit, not even my own hair."

The entire time she was belittling me, I was silent. I don't like getting into quarrels with people, let alone my mother; she can be quite rude when she's angry, and I'm too much of a sensitive person to even entertain that, so I stayed quiet. When she was done, however, I said "the trip was nice" before leaving. I didn't mean anything behind it; I only wanted to let her know something she didn't ask, so I guess that's what set her off.

After I went back to my room, I heard her. She was going off, talking to herself, saying how I was "smart-mouthed," ungrateful, and "couldn't help but be slick." I was shocked at first, but didn't want to entertain it further because I chalked it down to me being disrespectful, even when I didn't mean it. But then she went further.

Since I am lighter than her and the rest of my family, she started calling me a "red bitch" saying how I was dirty (because I didn't have much time to clean my room before leaving), sneaky, started calling me a whore because of a hickey I got from my boyfriend a few days ago that she had never once talked to me about until now, and accused me of sleeping around with other dudes my age, even insulting my almost two-year long relationship with my boyfriend as well. This is where I just couldn't take it. I closed my door and let her go off.

I'm not what she said I am. I've never once thought about getting smart with her, let alone disrespecting her like she said I did. I try my best to be a good kid; I have an amazing GPA, I'm in multiple honors programs and college internships, and I rarely leave the house, even on weekends. I don't know why she keeps calling me sneaky and disrespectful because this isn't her first time. I get that the hickey wasn't a good thing, but I tried to tell her that it was unintentional, and that the thought of sex isn't something we are interested in because I genuinely have a phobia of pregnancy. She didn't want to listen, though, even when I tried to apologize for my ‘supposed’ disrespect.

I don't know what to think or feel because this has only been happening ever since I turned 15 and actually began puberty. I've already cut off one toxic mother in my pre-adolescent years, and when it comes down to it, I'm not opposed to cutting off another one. I'm too tired to live up to some expectations I've already forced myself to exceed, and I'm too damn aware for my age to continue to be picked on like this.

I know this sounds like rather normal narcissistic mother behavior to some, but this is new. She was never this agitated before, and I'm genuinely concerned for her mental health. I don't want to have to cut her off, but the things I've already gone through have caused me to become quite resentful of people. Do you all think this may have something to do with her getting older? Advice on this matter would also be appreciated.

My 83 yo father has zero short-term memory and is dx with cognitive decline not altizmers-related. My 80 yo high-functioning mom, my brother and I are coaching him through a major and emotional financial decision.

The waffling back-and-forth is reaaaly frustrating. One hour he'll passionately align with the "right" decision (objectively right in all regards, but emotionally painful). An hour later he's just as passionately exactly opposite.

We wind up carefully repeating the very same long, protracted, detailed explanation over and over, eventually convincing him, again, to do what's right. Hours or days later we're dealing with the very same outbursts when he switches back. He's not exactly "changing his mind" - he seems to have no recollection of the last ten times we did the same dance.

Now it's getting serious, because people from outside the family are getting involved. We need their help to do what's right, but I'm worried they're going to eventually say, "Fuck this!" and walk away - which I'd completely understand.

Any tips for helping HIM remember what he decided, why, and what's next? How can we help him maintain the mindset to do what's right long enough to actually do it?

Thanks for taking a look.