r/AgingParents

I'm looking for insight for what does and doesn't work with professionals including doctors, insurance agents, and darn near anyone.

I'm chief tech support and lead researcher for my wife and her siblings. My FIL is 90 yo. He's self sufficient. His wife (second, not my wife's or her sibling's mother) passed in January this year. He drives. He is very good with awareness of his limits. He knows the day will come when he can't live alone. That day is not yet.

He (Paul) has language issues. He was born in Italy and came to the US (on the Andrea Doria as it happens) as an adult. His English is good but not perfect and at 90 it takes him time to process. That makes interactions with professionals laborious. My wife goes with him when she can but he's three hours away.

What experience does r/AgingParents have with dialing into doctors--especially specialists--and lawyers and other professionals to support in-person meeting between aging parents and those professionals. What sort of reception have you gotten from those professionals? I know my FIL's eye doctor was greatly relieved that my wife was present for an appointment yesterday. The technology is certainly there, but what experience do people have making this work?

Thank you in advance for sharing.

I’ll try to keep this as brief as possible, but my mom moved into assisted-living at the end of June after a full month of me taking her car keys away at the end of May and then not eating and drinking every day and crying and asking when she would feel normal and begging me for alcohol and finding beer cans in closets, etc. My sister and I had to pack up her whole apartment and move her and do everything for her financially and now she is livid that she’s living there. She can’t walk anywhere and the only place she wants to walk to is a liquor store because she didn’t go anywhere when she lived in her apartment and I offered to sign her up for exercise classes or volunteering or get her an Uber account and she said she just wants to move out so I said fine. You’re not a prisoner. Find a place sign a lease. Pay them pack your stuff and move. None of which she can do. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and can’t remember that, and when I remind her, she says she doesn’t agree with that diagnosis or believe it, even after the neurologist did 1 million test.

My dad (separately) died this week and she doesn’t remember and so when she calls me ranting and raving, I’m like mom dad died this week and I’m trying to deal with everything. I’m the executor of his estate and I know she deserves kindness, but I don’t have anything left in me for her. So I just said if you wanna move then move. I didn’t say I’m not helping, but that was implied I think. I don’t know what I’m asking but has anyone been through this? Am I a terrible person? I was so much closer to my dad, but I am also living the closest to my mom of my siblings and do everything for her including pay her bills.

So many of my friends still having grandparents and young parents and have no worries about their parents dying.

I knew since I was a kid that my dad would probably never see me make it to 30 because he had me when he was nearing 60. We have a complicated relationship but it still sucks to have peers who have much younger grandparents than my dad.

I desperately want to be free and live my early 20s but there’s a big part of me that knows if I dont move closer to my parents (in a horrible state I hate) I will regret not spending time with them or worry a lot about them.

I just feel so trapped in my life because I have experienced deaths of siblings and close friends very young and know how much I will miss my family when they’re gone. I’m not religious and my parents aren’t either so I just know for myself that this is my only chance to see them

My Dad is approaching 90. He’s in his last chapter, last paragraphs even. He’s very independent, but it’s getting to the point where he can’t live alone or travel internationally anymore. He moved from a West African country to Europe in the late ’60s. 

He spent years building this huge 20 bedroom house (that's 70% complete) in his home country that he expected his extended family to move into. He sent money to his relatives every month for decades to build it. They used a lot of his money to build their own houses instead, and he kept sending money anyway. It’s ended in resentment. His family thinks he hasn’t done enough for them, and he feels let down by them. They don’t speak to each other anymore.

We (his children) are set to inherit his house. I keep telling him we’ll develop it further, but in all honesty, I just want to sell it. I don’t want anything to do with his family or the house.
He’s now too old and poorly to catch a flight and stay in the house he spent most of his life building. I can’t help but feel sad about it all. I also feel bitter because we didn’t have much growing up. He would always say he had obligations back home. He sacrificed a lot for people who now dislike him, and my siblings and I missed out on having a more fulfilling childhood.

I am grateful that he focused us on getting a good education, and that he helped instill good moral values and a strong sense of pride in us. But I struggle with the fact that there seemed to be no strategy behind any of it. He just kept sending his hard-earned money to people he knew were mismanaging it.

Wondering if anyone else's parents do this.

My mom is turning 68 this month and has been retired for 2 years. I have noticed in the last 5 or so years she has been exaggerating stories of situations that I know did not happen the way she describes them.

The latest one is when she went to the bank to deposit a cheque. She told me that she waited in a very long line and then when she got to the teller the teller asked if she knew she could deposit in the ATM or online through online banking. Obviously the teller said this because they wanted to help my mom not have to wait in line again, and/or reduce the amount of people in the bank to speed up the process for everyone.

My mom then went into the part that I know didn't happen. This happened a few weeks ago so I am a bit fuzzy on details, but basically she says the bank teller said that her being in line was a waste of time and she shouldn't do it again. My mom then went into a very condescending rant about how she had to tell the teller that she does not do online banking, etc. I doubt this conversation happened. The "lecture" from either party.

Idk why she is so combative with (or tells stories like she is) people doing their job. She never used to be like this. She is not on any social media and overall is generally a good person, but it seems like every time she goes out on her own, she comes back with a tall tale that is exaggerated from the truth.

Is this a sign of dementia? Just aging?

Very sincerely, I love the woman. Her intentions are generally positive, we get along fine, she adores the grandchildren and grand dog, all the good stuff.

But foolish describes her to a T.

The teen kids had a competition in her town yesterday, so I intentionally built in some time to pop by and visit a bit and help with a simple task she just couldn't figure out. Easy enough, that way I could have a cup of coffee and use a clean restroom before heading to the stadium, all good.

So we had a perfectly pleasant and inconsequential conversation, she has a new lift chair/recliner, random cousin has Alzheimer's (but "he's doing really well! Still drives to the grocery store and is an absolute wizard at backing up to put in his boat at the fish camp!" As though any of that is a good idea. Whatever.)

And then, with 10 minutes before my spare kid and I needed to head out? MIL tells me about her ER visit the previous week - dehydration due to COVID. And how she finally got her prescribed antiviral, probably too late to help much. And how she had decided to no longer take any of her prescription meds, including her cancer maintenance medication and blood pressure stuff and whatever other meds a 79yo two-time cancer survivor likely takes.

"Oh, I feel so much better now! I can get around better, and my head is so much clearer!" (I wasn't there for long, but trust me, I didn't notice much evidence for those claims.)

Okay Lady. It's gonna fall on me specifically when this backfires. One of your sons is disabled, one lives overseas, your spouse can no longer safely drive and is barely mobile, and your beloved daughter in law only has so much physical and mental capacity. (What with a disabled husband, teenagers, my own aging parent, and my own cancer diagnosis.)

Jesus is healing her. I'm wondering whether there's a new Hispanic pharmacist, and she's mispronouncing.

I posted a few weeks ago about my dad going into the hospital because of how bad his foot was and he couldn’t walk. He’s 71, and after his cardiac arrest four years ago, he just wanted to die. Several doctors said he was “out of it,” because of how he felt until he finally got a psych evaluation and he was cleared. From there, he refused to rescind his DNR. At that roadblock, he was told he could leave and enter hospice.

Two weeks after being in the hospital, he was told he could leave and he would be transported. I was there that day, when I hadn’t planned to, because I needed to ensure he had his medication. I was told a few hours before he was going home that we either had to pay $400 before he left or he would be brought home and then it would be $1000+. I decided to get him into my car and just get him home.

Thankfully, the nurse helped me get him into a chair. Once in the chair, the transport nurse helped me get him into my car. I drove the half hour home, breathing heavily because it was so nerve wrecking. I didn’t want to hurt him and just wanted to keep him happy and comfortable.

Once home, my SO and I put him on the walker we got him (the one with the seat) and we literally carried him in the house. My poor dad had to sit in that walker for a little over an hour or two because the bed delivery was late. Once we got the bed, we set it up, got him comfortable, left and went back the next day to get him admitted into home hospice.

That was two weeks ago.

For the last two weeks, I have been trying everything to make sure he’s eating, drinking, happy, etc. if he wanted chocolate, I’d get it. Cookies, I’d find them. I couldn’t find the snickerdoodle cookies right away at Walmart and almost balled my eyes out two weeks ago, trying to mentally settle into this idea.

We worked with a VNA hospice program. I chose a not for profit and every person I spoke with was phenomenal. They were all kind and helped my dad as best they could. A few days ago, my mom said she heard the gurgle. I went Wednesday to see him. He was talking but it was so low and mumbled, I couldn’t understand everything. I got to talk to him and tell him I love him.

Saturday morning, my mom called me early and said to get there soon. That was 8am. From about 10am to 3pm, I sat with him, minus him getting a sponge bath form the aid who visited. I sat by his side, held his hand, and watched his breathing. I was supposed to leave around 3:30pm, to get my kid somewhere (they were with a friend and not with us), but I noticed a change and told my SO, we couldn’t leave.

At about 4:10, I asked my mom if she wanted to come over. She said no and I told her, “you should come over and sit.” About 15 mins later, he quietly passed. He let out one big breath, like he was stretching, his hands squeezed ours, and we knew he was gone.

I am so utterly sad that I lost my daddy and I’ll never get to learn how to ride a Harley from him. He’ll never be able to make the stereo system for my dream car, and he’ll never see my child, his only grandchild, graduate.

My dad retired in December 2021 and less than 6 months later, his cardiac arrest altered his life to where he couldn’t do anything in his life that he enjoyed. He didn’t get to enjoy his retirement. His diabetes went untreated because he couldn’t afford the medication and from there, his toes and foot went necrotic, which led to him getting sepsis and passing.

Two weeks he was home. That’s it. I thought we had more time, I really did.

My aunt recently moved to a senior’s residence - independent living for now, but she may need assisted living at some point. She complained shortly after moving in that the food has made her legs swell up because it’s high in salt. She has mentioned it to a few of the staff to see if there are lower salt options or if she could at least see the sodium levels in the food, but no one seems to think it’s an issue (she can always have one of the plainer items on the menu, but that’s getting repetitive for her).

I would have thought many seniors need to watch their salt intake, so it surprises me they aren’t more attentive to this. She wants to handle it herself, so I’m staying hands off for now (she doesn’t have kids of her own, but we’ve always been close, so I try to help).

I’m just wondering if this is an issue others have experienced? Is she just in a crappy residence? (Other than this issue, she loves it - she’s met a lot of friends there.)

Only child here. I really am struggling with this responsibility. It all started with my father who had severe health issues for 5 years. It was long and drawn out. We were in and out of the hospital for this or that over years.

In the meantime, my mom also began to have health issues that showed up. We live in Tenn. I started to notice mental health issues as she took care of my father. I would get panic calls from her and I tried to intervene with caregivers to assist. That worked some of the time but my parents often chased them off.

After my father passed, my mom just collapsed. All the weight of everything she could not do any longer passed to me. I mentally could not do it and became a very angry person. I am still not sure why. But, I think it was dealing with her deep emotional problems with her physical health issues. I have had little help.

I have recently just wanted to back off completely. I feel guilt about it but my own health is now a problem. I have health issues that are piling up of my own. If I tell my mom what they are, I don't hear concern about me. It becomes another tragedy that has befalling her about her. She will worry me incessantly about it so I now have to console her about MY own health issues.

She has some heart issues but can drive and bathe and do major ADLs.

My 94-year-old mom’s health has been declining for the past 3 years. She went to the ER a month ago with severe COVID and they found she has pancreatic cancer. She’s been in hospice for a week, and she’s already transitioning.

I’m in a bad headspace right now, but a big part of the weight I’m carrying is the idea of my kids potentially having to take care of me someday, but also that they may need this kind of care themselves one day. I think I’m feeling as much guilt for bringing them into this world as I am grieving for my mother right now.

The short of it all is that dad (75) is just not cooperative whatsoever about allowing help in his house, including me, his daughter.

I realize we can't plan for what we can't control (dad's behavior) but we CAN plan for the future for when shit really hits the fan (quite literally in his case) and when outside intervention needs to happen.

I'm creating a list of resources to reference when we get to that point and am wondering if anyone has any suggestions for what to include in the list.

And, to answer THE question - no, he has no estate planning. The only thing we have is me listed as his medical power of attorney.

MORE DETAILS:

He expects his wife to take care of everything but she's struggling dealing with him plus has her own medical and mental health issues. She constantly makes plans with me to help at the house when I visit but then Dad demands that I do not come over "because the house isn't suitable for company."

While he comes off as mentally sound and competent (though I'm questioning his competency as he's become much more vulgar the past year, among other things), he denies anyone to come into the house to help with anything and often cancels doctor's appointments. At this point, the only medical treatment is when he goes to the ER after a fall or feeling sick (which takes a lot for him to admit to go to the ER). My stepmother is continually on him about not doing this, or doing that, and not taking care of himself (shuffles between his bed and recliner with only a shirt on most of the time or a pull-up, is incontinent, and barely eats anything) and how it's putting both of them at risk for so many reasons.

But, per her, Dad just doesn't seem to care. And he can make it sound like everything is just fine. 🤦‍♀️

In mid August, my dad (85) had several silent heart attacks that he thought was indigestion. We took him to the hospital when I came over to visit and saw that he was YELLOW and his breathing was shallow.

A bit of context:
For the better part of a decade he has eaten like a garbage disposal. Daily milkshakes, fried, fatty food all in excess. My mom and I are pretty healthy eaters and we work out regularly, we tried to tell him to eat better but even if he eats healthy he will eat A LOT, he’ll eat his way through the fridge and cupboards if we don’t stop him.

He would lay in his room and smoke weed and watch movies all day, rarely moved his body, never leaves the house unless he’s going to pick up his medical marijuana or go to the doctor.

My mom (70) does gig/freelance work, she loves her jobs because they allow her to travel once a month and she likes her bosses but she works LONG hours, sometimes 12-14 hours a day with an hour commute each way. Before he went to the hospital for his heart attacks he would be home all day eating and smoking and then ask her to cook him something as soon as she got home from her shifts. Everything he asks for needs to be RIGHT NOW or he tries to guilt us into doing it for him or gets snappy. He will blow my phone up while I’m at work and if I don’t answer I get several texts with a grocery list of expensive foods that come from 3-4 different stores that he expects me to bring him (ex: bring me this specific organic OJ from Whole Foods, bring me this brand of imported chips from Publix). We’ve gotten better at saying no but it’s draining.

Flash forward to now:
He’s been in the hospital since mid August. First in the ICU, then step down, then a rehab facility and now he’s in a new rehab/senior living facility. They estimate that he had ~3 heart attacks, acute kidney failure, and they told us that there was no point in putting a stint in because it’s too far gone. In their words “it would be like watering dead grass” and they would focus on medication that keeps him alive and as comfortable as possible.

He complains about the food constantly, and always expects us to bring him outside food when we visit. He will ask for fast food or fatty food or sugary food and drinks and we say no because he had a heart attack and he snaps at us. He asks for very specific dishes that he expects us to cook after working all day and if we don’t bring it, or we say we don’t have time to cook it for him, he snaps at us. If we bring him healthy food he complains. The first thing he asks us when we come in is “what did you bring me?” Not even a hello … and if we come with nothing, he has an attitude the entire visit.

It’s not even that I mind him asking for things, it’s the fact that he demands and expects it from us that’s bothering me. We’ve been trying to get him Medicaid, staying on top of the nursing facility to get all of his paperwork submitted, going to the Medicaid office to make sure the case worker has all of the information needed so we’re not stuck with a huge bill, working full time, taking care of our very needy dog, on top of the normal life things that don’t stop, but to him, it seems like that doesn’t matter. We should stop whatever we’re doing to make sure he has exactly what he wants exactly when he wants it.

I’m trying my best to have empathy because I can imagine how frustrating it is to be in the hospital this long and know that your body isn’t working like it used to (he’s currently unable to walk unassisted since the heart attacks. He gets PT 5 days a week to help get him moving better) but he makes it so hard…

Maybe I’m fatigued from years of his demands and watching my mom work herself to death to keep their life together, but I’m so frustrated with him for still asking for such awful food and being so rude to us when he doesn’t get his way. We thought this would be a wake up call for him to eat better and take better care of himself, but he’s almost worse than before.

Do I need to have more empathy?
Is it normal to be this angry?
Or am I being too harsh?