r/AgingParents

Has anyone dealt with a 80 year old mother or female wake up one day and decide she needs to start having sex, the rougher the better. Insisting on inviting strange men over to her home for sex or traveling to meet men. She has been a christian and has served weekly in church for the past 60 yrs in multiple positions. I have been with her for 7 yrs and never so much as a cuss word or any actions contrary to her christian beliefs, always a peaceful and quiet lady. Now she is loud and obnoxious. So curious what someone has done to stop or keep her from having strange men from coming over. She had broken her neck at the base of her skull a few years back and has a screw in there holding it in place and doctors said it was a miracle she was not paralyzed as well as a broken collar bone, shoulders replaced and such. I am her care taker and have a POA but not sure what to do with her. Do i have a mental evaluation done? Do i look at psychiatric care or visit? Do i commit here a ward? I work so cant be with her all the time. She is an able bodied woman and did work one day a week. I am concerned someone is going to hurt her, paralyze her or worse. She is a clutter bug and leaves money and jewelry out so beyond the physical abuse I am concerned about her stuff disappearing....

Thx

Mother inlaw (78) drinks lots of chocolate milk and eats very little. Concerned about the ethics of sneaking nutrition into her milk. I am very sure a moderate does of creatine and protein would help her significantly.

Just looking for some advice and to make sure I'm thinking about things in the right way. I'll try to keep it short but the story might be long.

My mother is in poor health, increasingly so. These health complications have meant increasingly frequent hospitalizations, most often related to COPD related flareups. She didn't use her CPAP machine and now doesn't use her BIPAP machine. She's also supposed to be on a constant oxygen flow, but we don't believe she uses it. She also has wounds on her knee and feet, and has already lost toes, so her mobility is impaired.

I live 3 hours away and am her only child. Her sister lives on the other side of the country. Both of her parents have passed. She has some friends in the area, but they're increasingly distant to her because of her "boyfriend". I won't dwell on this history much, but she's emotionally attached to him and relies on him as her caretaker. He's been in and out of prison, uses and traffics drugs and guns, has had his license suspended, and is all around a very irresponsible person with violent friends.

Last year she agreed to move into an assisted living facility, the goal was to move in by the end of last year. This came as a relief to all of us, and I worked with a friend who works in the industry to visit several places in the area which would be good fits. Primarily, she wanted a two bedroom unit to herself, with a full kitchen, and where she could smoke on the premises. At the time she understood she could not smoke in her room at any of the places, but these places would allow her to have cigarettes and had designated areas for residents to smoke away from the entrances.

She selected one, we moved her in, and she was evicted less than a couple months into it for smoking. thousands and thousands of dollars later she's back at her house and the idea that she'll voluntarily move somewhere else is gone.

A couple years ago during a hospital stay we were able to agree for me to become her medical power of attorney. However, its becoming more clear that I need additional powers/responsibilities. Whether she can agree to voluntarily give me financial power of attorney or other types of control, I do not know.

This brings us to the most current situation. She's currently in the hospital. We have a shared checking account which I have access to, and I can see that her "boyfriend" is spending money. Nearly $1,000 since she's been in the hospital, in addition to other curious purchases made this month. This is in contrast to prior months where I don't believe he had control of her debit card. I do not have access to close the debit card since it is in her name.

We have a financial advisor who I talk with occasionally who manages the estate. Approximately 20 years ago my mother and her sister went through the process of gaining guardianship over their mother's assets (which the financial advisor here also managed), and this advisor suggested I begin considering this as well given the behaviors she's seeing too.

The difference is, my grandmother at the time definitely did have dementia and was being scammed by someone in India. Here, my mother is being taken advantage of willingly by someone who (at times) provides assistance to her in the home. She refuses to have a professional provide care, and declares she doesn't have the money to afford this. I believe it would be hard to prove she's not able to make decisions, but i dont fully know the bar here. She's definitely not making good decisions.

So at this point my questions are 1. What sort of powers should I be working towards? Financial POA? General POA? Something else. and 2. If she is not amenable to this (and I doubt she will be), what actions should I be taking to protect her?

I can help answer any other questions, since I know this is a lot but I've left plenty of things off already. Thank you for any help or even just letting me vent and organize my thoughts here.

My mom is 84, lives at home with my sister. She adamantly refuses to admit that she has early stages of dementia which was diagnosed by neurologist a couple of years ago. The problem we are having with her is that she refuses basic hygiene. She will not bathe, wash her hair, brush her teeth, even wash her hands after going to the bathroom. She has trouble walking, but she refuses any walk aids because “those are for old people.” I handle all her financial affairs, but I live about an hour and a half away from her so I can’t really help with those basic things. My sister has been unsuccessful in getting her to do any of those things and she refuses any sort of caregiver. And the thought of going to an assisted living place is completely out of the question. She’s very difficult and I really don’t know at this point what I can do. Does anyone have any advice?

My parents are in their late 70s/early 80s and live completely independently in a small community in the mountains, on a lake, in a 1300 square foot house that is very manageable. They just told me that they're considering moving to independent living as soon as January 2027, which was a huge shock to my brother and I, as they don't even outsource much at home now (my mom does it all outside of yardwork), and I feel like they should at least try to start outsourcing cleaning, cooking, and home maintenance before they make a drastic move that they can't pull back on.

My mom has a lot of friends in the community, walks around the lake daily, goes to church, volunteers at the local elementary school, and has a very full life, but my dad pretty much gave up as soon as he retired, has no social circle, and is in declining physical and mental health largely due to inactivity and lack of mental stimulation. They moved to this community about 10 years ago, and he has made zero effort to make friends or otherwise engage with the neighborhood or community at large.

My dad seems to be driving the push to independent living, as I think he's bored and craves change of any kind. He may also feel guilty giving 5% when my mom gives 95% across all areas of their life and keeping up the home. I do not foresee him getting anything out of independent living and could actually see the forced socialization and living in close quarters with others as making him depressed and causing him to spend even more time at home, afraid to leave his place because he hates talking to people (he's from the country and has social anxiety).

Thoughts on when it's best to make the transition to independent living and downsides of transitioning too soon? I would like to encourage them to try a year of outsourcing cooking, cleaning, and home upkeep before making the move knowing they can never move back.

I feel like there is a lot of stigma around talking to your aging parents about death, mainly because it can definitely feel scary/stressful for both parties. But I think it's incredibly important to have these conversations with your parents when they are still alive and well, before a crisis happens and you are forced to talk about it, or never get the chance to at all. It makes things so much less complicated when you are actually the one facing those decisions after they are gone.

For anyone who has had the talk with your parents, how did it start? And what advice would you give someone who knows they need to have it but keeps putting it off?

It’s a vicious cycle. My 85 yr old dad gets dehydrated, brain fog, forgets to drink, thinks he’s dying, gets depressed, continues to not drink enough, goes to the hospital, comes home after hydration- and the cycle starts again.

I’ve told him ENDLESSLY that he needs to drink 3 big mason jars of water a day. But he doesn’t.

He’s also an old hippie health nut and doesn’t ever want to consume pedialyte or sugar or salt or fake sugar or… you get it.

Are there pills, patches, organic soup deliveries, ANYTHING that can help is break out of this mess?

Thank you in advance!

A lot of fall detection systems are marketed as if they cover everything but the fine print reveals they only work within a certain range of a base station inside the home

That is a problem for anyone who has a parent that still goes for walks, does yard work, drives to the store, or just lives their life outside of four walls. Fall detection is supposed to catch the falls nobody else sees, and a lot of those happen outside

GPS enabled fall detection that runs on cellular seems like the logical answer but the options vary a lot in terms of accuracy, battery life, and whether the automatic detection actually triggers reliably outdoors

It seems wild that in 2026 there are still fall detection devices that basically stop working the moment someone walks out the front door

My grandparents on my dad’s side immigrated to the US to move in with us ~12 years ago. My dad passed ~10 years ago and they have been with us ever since.

My mom hasn’t had the best relationship with them since then, a large part of due to my dad’s passing. My grandpa is really defiant/hard headed and chooses to do what he wants when she isn’t here and this puts a lot of stress on my mom. We think he’s starting to show signs of dementia but he will never get checked because he was a doctor before so he thinks he’s fine. My mom isn’t the confrontational type, she just rants to us about these issues instead. She’s tried to set boundaries on what they should and shouldn’t do as they live in her house, but they never listen.

I’ve pretty much watched their relationship slowly fade. My uncle (their other son) is practically a deadbeat when it comes to helping out with his parents and the entirety of the burden has fallen on my mom ever since my dad passed. He’s only visited us once after my dad’s passing and we had a huge conflict because he wanted to bring his entire family over to our house to stay here when we were on vacation, my grandparents pulled the “they are family” card on us and that was a big situation that has pretty much fucked up our relationship since then. He doesn’t help my mom with anything regarding his own parents which is probably the worst part. It’s hard for my siblings and I to be close to our grandparents because of how much stress they have caused my mom, my sister has basically cut them out of her life already.

My grandparents live off of government assistance, are basically in the house 24/7, and whenever things come up my mom has to deal with them (cleaning their room and their bathroom, buying their plane tickets when they want to go back home, dealing with their government check ups). It’s getting to the point in time where I’m about to graduate college, and my siblings are moving out and already working full time careers. I’m worried about how my mom is going to be able to deal with them when we are all gone. She’s dealt with too much over her life and she’s almost at retiring age, but still she has to worry about my grandparents when the only thing we want for her and what she deserves is to relax and enjoy the rest of her life after retirement.

Has anybody else dealt with a similar situation to mine? What’s the best thing I should do to help my mom? Any advice is appreciated.

My 77yo mom who also has dementia but is still quite well functioning keeps accidentally recording and sending whatsapp voice notes. This goes to all her frequently contacted wa contacts, even groups, and is often personal conversations. It is mortifying for me but because she has dementia she either doesn't care or doesn't understand what is happening nor the gravity of it. She uses WhatsApp frequently for messages or calls. It is such a ux problem on WhatsApp end and I've tried all chat gpt recommended solutions but nothing is working.

Just a rant in case anyone can relate!

So, some background: my parents were well off for most of my childhood until my Dad got laid off 10 years ago, and then my oldest brother tragically passed away. Since then, he has become a functioning alcoholic and works at Home Depot (it took him years of sitting at home before he even started doing that). My mom was a SAHM for most of my life and doesn't want to work. She does now, but only because she's forced to (my dad wasn't working for years/doesn't make much now at Home Depot), and she bitches about it every time I talk to her. She makes maybe $35k a year. During the years my dad wasn't working, they almost lost our childhood home to foreclosure (it was delayed due to COVID). However, they got lucky, and someone offered them a cash deal/private sale for over $700k. They had to pay off the mortgage and some major credit card debt but still had a decent amount of money left over. After selling the house, they moved in with my grandpa (mom's dad). My dad kept working at Home Depot, and they lived off that and the money they made from selling my childhood home.

Fast forward to today, and my grandpa has passed away, so my mom inherited the house. The house was paid off, but my grandpa took out an $80k HELOC that is around $66k now, and they've been responsible for paying it. However, I got a call from Mom two days ago saying they apparently have $100 to their name and they haven't paid the HELOC in four months… and now my grandpa's house is about to be foreclosed on too. I had to send her $2000 so that it wouldn't be foreclosed on. Trust me, I'm beyond annoyed I had to do that, but I would rather do that then lose the house because 1) my parents need somewhere to live and 2) eventually I will inherit the house and can sell it for a profit.

They have agreed to sell my grandpa’s house and move closer to me; however, with how much they'll have left over from the sale (my grandpa house is over 100 years old and needs a lot of work), it wouldn't be enough to buy a new home outright, so they would need to get approved for a small mortgage ($50k-$70k), which won't happen. Their credit is shot, and they've accumulated more credit card debt (due to them being horrible with budgeting and because of my other brother, who is an addict). I am considering co-signing or taking out the loan entirely in my name, and then they can pay me whatever the mortgage is (which shouldn't be much since the loan will be for a smaller amount). Then, later on, I can sell the house and profit $200k+.

My mom is trying to tell me I can list her on the house, just not my dad since he's a co-signer on my brother's student loans, and my brother doesn't pay them. However, given their credit card debt and the fact that my parents are married, I’m worried creditors would go after my mom's assets to pay off the loans.

Am I right that I should just buy the house myself (using some of the profits from the sale of my grandpa's house that my parents “gift me”) and keep my parents' names completely off it? That way, it's an actual investment property, and when I sell it for a profit years later, I won't have to worry about my parents' debt collectors coming after the proceeds?

Is there anything about this plan that I'm not thinking about that could come back and bite me in the butt? Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and do you have any advice?

I also think I'm going to tell them to stop making payments on my brother's student loans because what is the point if they can't afford it? My dad's credit is already horrible. They're both 62 and not in the best of health, so it probably won't be long before they start collecting Social Security (which thankfully should be a decent amount). They can't garnish Social Security for missed student loan payments, can they?

This is a really sad post, but I also REALLY wish I'd seen someone else post about it before this happened. My mom had a stroke a couple of weeks ago, and I got the call at 6am on a Tuesday. I rushed to the hospital, only to be stunned into silence when the nurse asked if I knew what meds she was on. I had no answer for her. Depressing af.

Mom is stable now (thank god), and my siblings and I are trying to get it together. We're looking for a way to keep track of all that information easily, ideally not just in a google doc. Since we were all missing everything, we want something to tell us what to add, if that makes sense. any ideas out there?

How do you deal with aging parents, like mentally? Is it normal to have some guilt about regretting not spending as much time with them or anything? My parents are about 70. I have been having a hard time lately. Just not ready for them to get old. I also feel bad about not trying to see my dad more when they got divorced.

Here we go. FIL hit a curb with his new car and I’ve never seen a tire so shredded. The sun was in his eyes tho. Then he hit another curb with his other car on his way to consult on new tires for the first car. ….but the curb had no business being in the middle of the road like that. And you could see just how everybody else also hit that curb (and needed new tires). Except for me, picking him up from the tire place. I didn’t hit it. The cops pulled him over and told him he can’t drive on a flat tire, not even the short distance to the tire place. but they didn’t take away his license. 😢 is this my responsibility? How am I supposed to take away his license if the cops can’t?

My widowed mother (90) has been in assisted living for a couple of weeks (fell at home, hospital stay, then SNF and now ALF). She HATES it and wants to go home. Of course. She's an introvert and hates the activities there so I don't have much hope she'll settle in and make friends.

She's incontinent, a fall risk, has limited mobility and mild cognitive impairment. The medical professionals recommended she shouldn't be left alone for more than a couple of hours at a time. But hiring 24/7 home caregivers will be far too expensive.

It seems awful to say, but I've been thinking if living alone shortens her life, at least she'll be happier in her remaining days.

Has anyone had a similar situation and made it work with a parent living alone and with caregivers during the day and only a medical alert system overnight? Honestly from what I've seen at the ALF, they just rely heavily on Medical Alert pendants and emergency pull cords, so would it really be that different to just have those at home? I have POA but am struggling with her right to decide (knowing the risks) vs my duty/desire to keep her safe.

Edit: it seems clear now that my mom needs to stay in assisted living and make the best of it. It helped to hear some of your similar experiences, thank you.

I need advise. My dad has diabetes and recently had a collapse. He refused to go to the emergency room. This happened on a Friday and I was working at the time. I could not leave and my mom couldn't convince my dad to go to the hospital. Every time I call my dad he complain about my mom and his lot in life.

Unfortunately due to diabetes he is mostly blind, he still can see out of one eye although some days are better then others. He doesn't take care of himself, he still drinks alcohol which that can't be good for your blood sugar and skips meal then over eats later. I have tried talking to him multiple times but he doesn't listen.

Got off work Friday and had a Saturday off, unfortunately I could not work it over time because they cut my hours and expect me to work harder during my regular shift. So I turn off my cell phone and just tried to enjoy the day. Sunday my sister calls me and straight up start yell at me to drive an hour to my folks house and take my Dad to the emergency room when he doesn't want to go and also seem to have recovered he didn't sound as exhausted like he did before, but he did pass out on Saturday.

Sunday is my recovery day for work, I have to maintain a certain amount of physical activity so that I can be prepare to work for the next week. I told my sister that I wouldn't drive the hour to take my dad to hospital and she just kept scream at me that I didn't know what I was taking about and he need to go. I don't know if I was right or wrong to say no.

However, I don't want to alienate my sister, but she just kept screaming at me to take my dad to the hospital so I told her I love her and hung up. She call back later did the same thing, and I told her to please not to call back if she was going to continue to do this. Not sure where to go from here, I love my sister, but I feel like she was asking too much.

FYI I love my dad too, but he is so stubborn I felt like I was wasting my time, especially since it was two days later and he spent the morning practically shouting at me about how my mom is mistreating him, when she does a ton to help him.

Maybe I'm a terrible person, but I could use some advise, thank you for reading.

Like the title says today was the day. 2 hours ago, we looked at each other and he drew his last breath. I posted about what I would do in this situation 4 years ago. Now the day is her, I'm lost, and it doesn't even feel real.

I'm grateful I was able to be his caretaker these last couple of years. It was hard, the hardest thing I've ever done, but that was time I knew I could never get back. I just hope he's in a better place now.

Hey everyone,

I've noticed that as my parents have gotten older, there seems to be a lot of small things that I need to keep on top of, things like appointments, paperwork, follow-ups, and just general organisation.

I was wondering if anyone else is struggling with managing all of this and how you keep track of everything?

Do you use a shared calander, whatsapp, spreadsheets, or other apps? or do you mainly keep track of everything yourself?

I feel like I've become the default organiser in the family and its becoming a lot more work than I anticipated.

Would be interested to hear what works (or doesn't work) for other families.

My parents (Dad 60, Mom 54) were immigrants who became legal residents when I became 21. They don't have solid plans for retirement and have little saved. My dad has expressed wanting to continue working part time while he gets support from his 401K/SS.

As the oldest I'm expected to sacrifice my independence to make up for their lack of retirement plans so I'm trying all that I possibly can to save myself stress in the future (next 5 years).

I'm trying to start these conversations now (I know this should've been figured out years ago), but I'm overwhelmed with where to start. Who should I reach out to help advise them?

More context:

- We don't own a house. My parent's apartment increases the rent every 2 years. Are senior apartments or condo's worth looking into now?

- I make around 80k at my first job out of college. I've helped them pay off credit card debts, and helped my father pay off his car. I'm hoping they have more opportunity to save now after years of barely getting by.

- I have a younger brother (20) with a learning disability who will be in school for the next 4 years majoring in art - not sure if he'll be able to pitch in much financially any time soon. I'm worried he won't be allowed to live with my parents if they move into a senior apartment (if he's not financially stable, whenever this happens).

- I want my mom to start investing in a roth IRA especially since she'll be recieving a lot less from the government than my dad. Is it worth opening one up for my dad since he's already so close to retiring?

- What accounts need to be set up? What specifically should we start putting away money for?

I'm trying not to burn myself out - but I'll have more peace of mind knowing we're at least somewhat preparing for the future. And to all the eldest children in low income immigrant families, how do you not drive yourself crazy with worry?

Another death of a young actress has brought up some thoughts that cross my mind once in a while.

I am an only child and I have been managing my parents’ care for over a decade. I have continually had one parent or the other in either memory care, assisted living, or skilled nursing for 9.5 years. I have witnessed so many old people lingering in these places for years, living some sort of limbo life. At my dad’s memory care, there was this big tall woman who had been there for TEN years wandering the halls waiting for the next meal, vacant stare, no purpose. Really sort of like a zombie (mean of me to say that, I know).

In the last 10 years I have lost many of my middle aged friends (45-65) to cancer, heart attacks, etc. These were people living vibrant lives, still working and contributing to their families’ well being. People who had earned a future that was taken from them.

In my hometown, a 13 year old girl recently lost her life to cancer, and today I see a little boy even younger has just passed from cancer.

Sometimes the unfairness of it all is depressing. I have been immersed in elder care facilities for so long, it really drags me down. I hope that when my last parent eventually passes, I never have to set foot in one of these places. I have been on the inside of so many skilled nursing rehab facilities in my area, I have lost count.

What a drag it’s been, caring for my elderly parents. I see no end in sight and I’m starting to believe my last remaining parent will outlive myself and my husband.