What's Up With My Mom?
Hi! I (16F) am going through a dilemma with my mom (50F), and I'm not sure what to do.
For context, I've always been with my mama since I was just a few months old; she's not exactly my real mom- the only legal relation we have is the fact that she now has full custody of me because of stuff that happened with my biological mother, but I love her deeply as if she gave birth to me.
Now, I'm no stranger to rude old-heads, especially since I am Afro-Caribbean and grew up around rather narcissistic adults, and I'm not oblivious to the fact that my mother is getting old, but there is something that is bothering me that I think is a factor of her gradual age.
Lately, my mother has been becoming more and more aggressive toward others and me, and it's becoming quite concerning. She's usually bubbly, but lately she's been acting out. Recently, about 2-3 months ago, she had to cut ties with her best friend of who-knows-how-long, whom I considered an aunt because she stole money from her. When I tried to ask her about it, she immediately dismissed it, saying it was one of the men she would "sell" to. However, when I asked my aunt, she said otherwise and even provided proof.
Not only that, she's been lashing out at me more and more. As most people know, teenagers can be quite moody, snarky, and a bit snappy- and I'm no exception to this- but when it comes to my mother, I never dared to even cross her with the slightest bit of sarcasm. Until now.
Last weekend, I was on an overnight trip to Virginia that my school had planned. The day before we were supposed to be leaving, my mother told me to take out the braids I had had in for about two months. Of course, this process takes about 30 minutes to 1 hour for me because I'm not familiar with doing my own hair. That was the first ever style I did on myself since combing out my locs, and I wanted to be careful in taking down my hair. After that, I had to wash and blow-dry it, which didn't take long, but it was already pushing 6pm because I also had school that day.
Before taking down my hair, my mom and I discussed the style that I would be getting (she asked first, remember that), and we agreed on a quick weave, a simple style that I could easily gather materials for and do on myself. However, the day after, she told me that I would be getting two braids done by these African stylists. Of course, I was a little disappointed; she usually ends up picking my styles for me because even when I tell her what I like, she's a little stuck in the past and still thinks that two big cornrows in my hair and unicorn shirts are cute, so obviously, I was a little upset, but I didn't object.
After I finished drying my hair, we headed out to the salon. It was already pushing 7pm when we got there, so obviously the shop was about to close for the day. My mom and I were a bit aggravated, but I told her it was fine and that I could do a natural style on myself. She objected and said that I couldn't do a style on myself (even though I had been styling my hair for the past semester), so I just went quiet and followed her around the mall.
This was when she told me to go into the beauty supply store and pick out tracks that I would use for my hair. Anyone who has had to go into a beauty supply knows how expensive it can be, so I picked the least expensive tracks there that came up to about $50, and we headed back out. While we were still in the mall, my mother wanted to get me new outfits for the trip, spending more money than we intended.
By the time we were back in the house, it was 9pm, and I immediately got started on my hair; I ended up working longer on it than I expected, but I managed to get it done by 12am, and it looked decent. After this, I headed straight to sleep, but I wasn't able to wake up early enough to pack everything I needed: water bottles I left to chill in the fridge, my bonnet, and of course, my damn curling iron. With no more time to spare, I just sighed and left out the door.
When I came home from the trip, my hair looked messed up. Obviously, I knew this, so I kept it covered with my hood the entire time. But since my mom hadn't seen it yet, she asked me to show her my hair, and this is where it started.
She immediately started to yell at me. Not a "how was your trip" or a "did you have fun." She went off on me about how she shouldn't have wasted her money on a quote "fucked up" style, and that I should've just gotten the two cornrows. I tried to explain to her that I couldn't fix it during the trip because I was rushing out the door, because if I had been any later than 7am, I would've gotten left behind. However, she didn't bother to hear any of it, and just kept ridiculing me and saying that I "couldn't take care of shit, not even my own hair."
The entire time she was belittling me, I was silent. I don't like getting into quarrels with people, let alone my mother; she can be quite rude when she's angry, and I'm too much of a sensitive person to even entertain that, so I stayed quiet. When she was done, however, I said "the trip was nice" before leaving. I didn't mean anything behind it; I only wanted to let her know something she didn't ask, so I guess that's what set her off.
After I went back to my room, I heard her. She was going off, talking to herself, saying how I was "smart-mouthed," ungrateful, and "couldn't help but be slick." I was shocked at first, but didn't want to entertain it further because I chalked it down to me being disrespectful, even when I didn't mean it. But then she went further.
Since I am lighter than her and the rest of my family, she started calling me a "red bitch" saying how I was dirty (because I didn't have much time to clean my room before leaving), sneaky, started calling me a whore because of a hickey I got from my boyfriend a few days ago that she had never once talked to me about until now, and accused me of sleeping around with other dudes my age, even insulting my almost two-year long relationship with my boyfriend as well. This is where I just couldn't take it. I closed my door and let her go off.
I'm not what she said I am. I've never once thought about getting smart with her, let alone disrespecting her like she said I did. I try my best to be a good kid; I have an amazing GPA, I'm in multiple honors programs and college internships, and I rarely leave the house, even on weekends. I don't know why she keeps calling me sneaky and disrespectful because this isn't her first time. I get that the hickey wasn't a good thing, but I tried to tell her that it was unintentional, and that the thought of sex isn't something we are interested in because I genuinely have a phobia of pregnancy. She didn't want to listen, though, even when I tried to apologize for my ‘supposed’ disrespect.
I don't know what to think or feel because this has only been happening ever since I turned 15 and actually began puberty. I've already cut off one toxic mother in my pre-adolescent years, and when it comes down to it, I'm not opposed to cutting off another one. I'm too tired to live up to some expectations I've already forced myself to exceed, and I'm too damn aware for my age to continue to be picked on like this.
I know this sounds like rather normal narcissistic mother behavior to some, but this is new. She was never this agitated before, and I'm genuinely concerned for her mental health. I don't want to have to cut her off, but the things I've already gone through have caused me to become quite resentful of people. Do you all think this may have something to do with her getting older? Advice on this matter would also be appreciated.