u/dxs23

I was left on the door when I was 1.5 years old in China and was adopted at the age of 3 by a 51 year old single mother. From the ages of 5-10 my a-mother mental health issues really deteriorated and she didn’t get out of bed for 5 years, would hurt herself, be emotionally abusive (would blame me for why she was feeling certain ways), and also really emotionally needy towards me as well. I grew up in a one room attic apartment in filth. She has no family or friends I’ve ever met. She also “homeschooled” me so I basically didn’t know how to do anything outside of reading (which I taught myself) because of course she couldn’t teach me anything. I was supposed to go to speech therapy and get braces, of course that didn’t happen either. In middle school she got better and I actually insisted I wanted to go to public school. To my surprise I caught up in a year to my peers in most areas. During high school I was acting out and she would kick me out of the house all the time, tell me she wished she didn’t adopt me, saying I was horrible and that she would never trust me, etc. I got SA in high school where the guy went to federal prison for 15 years. I somehow got a full ride to university where I studied engineering. I dated a psychopath for 5 years who also abused me. I finally ended it with the ex and moved states. It took me awhile but I finally got a stable job and a stable kind partner, I am now 30. I’ve tried so so so hard to have a relationship with her. I don’t have any family and had some fantasy that if I tried enough she would be “normal”. She is now 78 and had to get spinal surgery. She has made one bad decision after another and will not plan and of course once it all falls apart I have to be the one to step in and “save” her. She’s getting discharged home and all I asked was her to get a mattress and to get a cat sitter and that if she didn’t I was done helping. She told me to stay away and that I was unsafe and that things I’ve done could be considered elder abuse (she has put me in situation where I was not equipped or warn on how to handle situations and really tried my best to help her). She’s manipulative where she will send me these messages and then also send me messages that she loves me and that she’s lonely. It’s how I keep managing to get roped into her own craziness. I feel like she adopted me because she didn’t want to be alone and for that reason only and now she might actually end up alone. Anyone else have had a similar experience? What was the straw that made you go low contact?

I’ve posted here recently so if you need any back story you can look back at my last post. A very quick recap, I was adopted when I was 3 to a severely mentally ill mother (couldn’t get out of bed for 5 years, would hurt herself, be very verbally abusive towards me). This past month my mother got spinal surgery and has made one bad decision after another and cannot seem to make any good plans for herself. She is getting discharged this weekend to her home. I asked her if she had a mattress (the original one was ruined because she left a rehab early and couldn’t of course move) and she said that she order one and it should be there. I went over to her house and it was a 2” foam mattress topper. I asked her about it and stated she needed an actual mattress and she kept arguing with me that she doesn’t. I’m also cat sitting her cats and I’m going away this weekend so I told her I would bring the cats over Monday. She is freaking out that I won’t bring them over sooner. I stated that if she had a cat sitter I would be comfortable with bringing them before I left for the weekend (I have my upstairs neighbor that was going to watch them). I also stated that she needs to like a cat sitter up for the next month just in case she can’t take care of them. She cannot bend over and can’t walk more than a few feet with a walker. She flatly refused. I gave her basically an ultimatum that I’m done trying to help and be involved if she doesn’t get a mattress, a cat sitter for the weekend, and a cat sitter lined up for the next month or so I’m done helping her because I don’t want to be responsible or witness a train wreck. She told me to stay away and that I’ve been a terrible daughter and haven’t helped her and stuff like that. How do you know when it’s time to go no contact? I think I’m done. I don’t have a single happy memory with her.

A little back story. I was adopted when I was 3 years old to a single mother. My adoptive mom was severely mentally ill when I was between 5-10 years old (stopped working, barley got out of bed, would harm harm herself, be quite verbally abusive, etc) which I know she didn’t mean but it happened. We also lived in poverty and filth. In high school, I was acting out (nothing that crazy) and so I would get kicked out of the house all the time and so we didn’t have a relationship then. At around 21 I tried my best to establish a relationship with her and things got better between us. We don’t have a normal relationship but it’s something.

Fast forward, she had to get major spinal surgery. She asked a lot of favors for me before the surgery which I did without complaint. I helped her get to the hospital and everything else that has followed. I’m taking care of her cats which I’m allergic too and who are not trained at all so I’m not getting much sleep. She got discharged to a rehabilitation center last Friday and freaked out and basically guilt tripped me into helping her leave and was screaming at all the nurses. Somehow we got her to her apartment but of course she couldn’t take care of herself and I had to get a bunch of things for her and I tried to help her onto her bed, etc…it got so bad that night that she wetted herself 3 times, I found her on the floor, etc. the next morning I called an ambulance to take her back to the hospital which she begged and pleaded me not to. The whole thing was an emotional nightmare and I had to deep clean her apartment on Mother’s Day. I’ve also visited her at the hospital and when she got discharged to another rehab I was there to help her and make sure she stayed calm.

I don’t have any siblings and she doesn’t have any family members that I know of. She has one friend but he lives in a different state. I don’t have any parental figures in my life to ask for advice or help.

She keeps asking me to do her favors and errands. I don’t want to. I’m so tired both physically and emotionally. I’ve had a terrible month at work trying to juggle things and I haven’t been able to take care of myself either like see friends or go to the gym. She keeps guilt tripping me. Is it reasonable for me to stop doing these errands and stuff for her? What are appropriate boundaries for helping a parent out in this sorta one off situation? She hasn’t asked me how I’m doing or if she can do anything to help me (like even offer to order me a coffee or something). I’ve spent so much time and money on trying to help her. How much did you help your aging parent?

A little back story. I was adopted when I was 3 years old to a single mother. My adoptive mom was severely mentally ill when I was between 5-10 years old (stopped working, barley got out of bed, would harm harm herself, be quite verbally abusive, etc) which I know she didn’t mean but it happened. We also lived in poverty and filth. In high school, I was acting out (nothing that crazy) and so I would get kicked out of the house all the time and so we didn’t have a relationship then. At around 21 I tried my best to establish a relationship with her and things got better between us. We don’t have a normal relationship but it’s something.

Fast forward, she had to get major spinal surgery. She asked a lot of favors for me before the surgery which I did without complaint. I helped her get to the hospital and everything else that has followed. I’m taking care of her cats which I’m allergic too and who are not trained at all so I’m not getting much sleep. She got discharged to a rehabilitation center last Friday and freaked out and basically guilt tripped me into helping her leave and was screaming at all the nurses. Somehow we got her to her apartment but of course she couldn’t take care of herself and I had to get a bunch of things for her and I tried to help her onto her bed, etc…it got so bad that night that she wetted herself 3 times, I found her on the floor, etc. the next morning I called an ambulance to take her back to the hospital which she begged and pleaded me not to. The whole thing was an emotional nightmare and I had to deep clean her apartment on Mother’s Day. I’ve also visited her at the hospital and when she got discharged to another rehab I was there to help her and make sure she stayed calm.

I don’t have any siblings and she doesn’t have any family members that I know of. She has one friend but he lives in a different state. I don’t have any parental figures in my life to ask for advice or help.

She keeps asking me to do her favors and errands. I don’t want to. I’m so tired both physically and emotionally. I’ve had a terrible month at work trying to juggle things and I haven’t been able to take care of myself either like see friends or go to the gym. She keeps guilt tripping me. Is it reasonable for me to stop doing these errands and stuff for her? What are appropriate boundaries for helping a parent out in this sorta one off situation? She hasn’t asked me how I’m doing or if she can do anything to help me (like even offer to order me a coffee or something). I’ve spent so much time and money on trying to help her. How much did you help your aging parent?