r/Adopted

Last year I found out I was pregnant. Abortion is illegal in my state and a month after I found out about the pregnancy, the father of the baby violated his probation and was ultimately sent to prison for at least 3 years. During this time I was living in a sober living house, estranged from my family, and trying to get my life back together after 2 years of addiction. I came across Heart to Heart adoptions out of Utah and they flew me out and placed me in apartment. I have an adoptive family picked out and they’re absolutely amazing people. We speak often and have grown really close. Not a single person in my family knows that I’m even pregnant much less giving up the baby for adoption. I’m not sure how they’d react if they knew. I’m not even sure if I’ll ever tell them.

Recently I reconnected with my mom and grandmother and they think I’m living in Utah for work right now. They’re so proud of me for getting sober and I can’t bring myself to tell them I’m pregnant.

If so, what was it like? Did your peers know you are adopted?

If not, was there a particular moment when you realized that your peers wouldn’t accept, welcome or befriend you?

I didn’t have meaningful friendships in elementary school. Even though I had several friends in middle school, I didn’t feel like I actually belonged. I didn’t try to be myself, I tried very hard to conform.

I think it was around 9th grade when I realized I really didn’t feel seen by other peers unless they’d also been through some form of childhood trauma (friends who experienced a death of a parent, abuse and/or neglect, incarcerated family member, etc.).

Sometimes I wonder what meaningful friendships would have been like without having to bond via sharing traumatic experiences.

Hi!

I don’t know what I’m looking for exactly here. maybe looking for insight and people that can relate.

I was in a BSE style closed adoption in the early 80s. I found out TODAY the extent to which the entire maternal side of my family was against adopting me out. I always thought at least my bio grandfather (grandma was dead) was pushing the idea (he was an old school Catholic). Turns out, he did not approve of me being adopted out. in b mom‘s words there were several family members who were „furious„ at her.

I did not have the heart in the moment to ask her why the hell she did it anyway. She started crying, of course, funny how I can stay dry eyed…maybe after i digest more I’ll ask her. But W. T. F?

It seems like my b dad‘s side would have never supported it, either, but he didn’t tell them.

Am I the world‘s most improbable adoptee, or what? B mom did have a trauma history but a career and money…

Yesterday was my birthday.

I was given up at birth, lived in a home for 6 months before being adopted.

For context, my bios on Ancestry a few years back, but have little interaction.

By all accounts, I’m super happy in life.

My (adopted) Mom died some years back and my Dad decided he didn’t want a relationship - so I’m sort of on my own when it comes to parents. Fine. I’m an adult, am self made - by all standards, I’m successful - proud I’ve made something out of myself.

Here’s where it gets tricky. I hate my birthday. It brings up many feelings in me, that I only think about once a year.

Why was I given a chance, when so many aren’t? Why didn’t my bios want me in the first place? Why did my Dad leave - maybe I don’t deserve parents. Am I doing enough in life so that my bio parents would be proud of me? Why doesn’t my bio mom want a relationship?

It all just swirls around on my birthday and quite honestly, the day gets ruined. Now, I pack it all up and move on from it and wait until the tsunami happens again next May 19.

Does anyone else get these feelings or something similar on your birthday? I swear it’s terrible.

No one seems to understand, and I just sort of want to be left alone - but I have a wife and kids who want to celebrate and then get disappointed when I’m not audibly excited. I’m just quiet. I don’t know I just feel like I let everyone down yesterday because I don’t want to celebrate.

Thank god for May 20 and it being over haha.

21F located in Missouri

My adoption case was open with her. She wanted a relationship with me growing up. I was always told I was adopted by my adoptee parents. Love them to death but they're a complicated case in themselves too with adopting me and my older brother. My birth mom is not related to my older brother and my older brother is not related to my little brother. My older brother has nothing to do with this relationship with her. He's got his own deal going on too. My little brother is about to turn 18 and was raised by her adoptee parents, our grandparents, because she had him at 18 and me at 16. Wanted to try and keep him after having me and couldn't.

Before my birthday she tried to file a restraining order on me when I haven't directly contacted her in a year. I make posts on my tictok saying my "birth mom" or "giver of birth" venting but idk how she see's those because as far as I'm aware she's blocked. I was talking to my little brother because he's about to turn 18 and was raised by her and her family because she tried to keep him. That's when a week later my adoptive parents called me saying she sent officers to their house to try and serve me papers. But she doesn't know I moved out and away from them as well in the city. She'd have to get my apartment address and unit # to have them served to me. She's a paramedic. And thought I was gonna call cps on her because of a joke I made with my little brother. She goes through his phone. I'm trying to have a more fulfilling relationship with him when he turns 18. He was never told I existed until he was around 5-6. And we met when he was around 8-10. On my 21st birthday she sent me flowers "anonymously" in the mail to my adoptive parents house. But the person delivering the flowers forgot to remove she was the sender on it. Should I stop making tictoks about her? I don't know what to do. I'm scared of her trying to serve something to me again when I have not made contact with her in the first place. I can't have that on my record when I'm trying to become a mortician one day. She has a clip of me saying out context of me telling her to "off herself" because I'm borderline and she was using a reactive abuse tactic on me. And a clip of me sarcastically making a joke saying I wanted to strangle her to my little brother as a joke as well.

A poem I wrote:

"A war between a mortuary daughter and a paramedic mother. I see the life in death and she see's the death in life."

What's the best way of repairing this relationship so there's no more worry of legal threats for trying to make an effort with my little brother when he's 18 next month. I want to move him in with me in December when my lease is up. Help him out and really get him on his feet. How do I contact her hypothetically to ask her to do therapy with me and work it out that way? Would there be harm in that? The papers were never handed to me so really is the restraining order even there? I don't know how any of this works. I'm in such a crisis with my adoption case. I see a new therapist that specializes in it. Love her to death. Been seeing the same shrink since 2015. He's great too. Been diagnosed as borderline and I know my birth mom is too but she thinks she was misdiagnosed with autism. Started and now nearly done with TMS therapy, lookat me go breaking the generational curse. Now how do I help my little brother do it too?

What are your opinion on this? Let me be clear. Not transracial. Not international. Trans ethnic or trans nationality (if that makes sense). For example an Irish descent family adopting an italian descent person? I think it has specific nuances as well but I have not seen much on this specific topic. White is not a monolith. Asian is not a monolith. Black is not a monolith. Latino is not a monolith. I know of a well to do Colombian woman who adopted girls of Mexican descent and something about that pisses me off because she justifies it as her not being a US white so being more connected. Mexico and Colombia are nothing alike and she knows this. It can still be saviorism even in this way or am I wrong? I cant give details but something like this happened to me and i was told to hide my reality and that really affects my relationship with that group of people as a whole as I absolutely do not like their culture at all and do not feel connected to it. Never have and never will. As I have gotten older I look more like who i am biologically (granted I was raised in various environments including my original and connected) but all being minorities is not a guarantee of good outcome!! Not even APs being the same ethnic/racial group as the person they adopt is enough. It all sucks but what do you all think of this specifically?

I (21) haven’t been regularly keeping up with most of my (adopted) family for a few years now. My siblings have a very distant relationship with me, which is mostly due to me cutting contact with my dad when I was 18. I’ve mostly been on my own since then. I’ve been depressed all my life but it got bad when I moved out for college. Since then, I’ve struggled off and on with self harm but im a few months clean as of posting this.

My mom is the only person who somewhat keeps in contact with me but I mostly find her annoying since she will usually message me about stuff relating to college. I was forced into college when I felt like I wasn’t ready for it. I was also pressured and guilted into staying with a major that I hated and wanted to transfer out of. Some resentment towards my family has built up over the years because they won’t listen to me or my opinions on what I want to do regarding college.

The other day, my mom sent me a long message basically guilting me for not being close with her. She said that she’s been my mother since I was a few weeks old and that she feels like she deserves better. She also compared me to a cousin of mine who cut contact with his family to be with a batshit insane woman. I told her that I was sorry for the distance and that I loved her, but I don’t think my heart was really in it.

I still feel bad about being distant but I think im at the point of no return and I don’t think I want to force an emotional bond with my immediate family that fizzled out a long time ago. Any advice would be great. I just feel so lost and useless right now.

I’m 17F in the UK and honestly I feel like my whole life has been built on lies and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I was placed into foster care when I was 1 because of domestic violence, drug/alcohol issues and my dad signing me over while my biological mum was fighting for me. I was meant to be adopted by another family first but that fell through and then I was adopted around age 4/5 by my current adoptive family.

Growing up things seemed okay and I was very close to them, but once I became a teenager my mental health completely spiralled. I started self harming, became suicidal, developed severe abandonment trauma, dissociation issues and unhealthy attachment/dependency problems. For nearly 5 years I’ve been in and out of trauma and mental health struggles and I never fully understood why I felt so abandoned and unwanted.

Then in summer 2025 I finally got in contact with my biological mum following a very traumatic event of someonw I cared for cutting contact and my adoptive family completely not understand or helping, so I reached out online.

She told me there had been letterbox contact my entire life that I was NEVER shown and NEVER told about. My adoptive parents always told me she never bothered to contact me or care about me. But she showed me the letters herself and she had written consistently. Some of the replies from my adoptive parents were honestly eemotionallyfucked and insensitive and in the final letter they claimed they had “asked me” whether I wanted to continue contact and apparently I said no.

I was never asked. I didn’t even know the contact existed.

Finding this out genuinely broke something in me because the main source of my trauma has always been believing my mum abandoned me and never cared. If I’d known she was trying to reach out all these years, I honestly think I would’ve grown up far less traumatised.

There’s also a lot of other stuff they brush off, including trauma from sexual assault. My adoptive mum also had an affair and tried to gaslight me into believing it never happened even when there was proof. I genuinely feel like I can’t trust anything they say anymore and the house feels toxic constantly, my adoptive parents argue constantly.

Recently my best friend got engaged to someone in the army, they are planning to get married in August, hes in the army though which means they qualify for SFA housing, and she’s offered for me to move in with them. Technically I’d be “running away” but I’m 17 so they can’t exactly force me to stay. My biological mum thinks it would actually be healthier for me because my current environment is severely affecting my mental health. We'd be waiting until August until I could move, so I'm not rushing anything either.

I feel guilty because they did raise me and there were good times, but at the same time I feel completely betrayed and emotionally manipulated. I don’t know if moving out is the right decision or if I’m just acting emotionally after everything I found out. I genuinely feel nothing good for then anymore, I haven't for a long time and I'm stressed and doubting what I should do.

What would you do in my situation? What should I do?

I was left on the door when I was 1.5 years old in China and was adopted at the age of 3 by a 51 year old single mother. From the ages of 5-10 my a-mother mental health issues really deteriorated and she didn’t get out of bed for 5 years, would hurt herself, be emotionally abusive (would blame me for why she was feeling certain ways), and also really emotionally needy towards me as well. I grew up in a one room attic apartment in filth. She has no family or friends I’ve ever met. She also “homeschooled” me so I basically didn’t know how to do anything outside of reading (which I taught myself) because of course she couldn’t teach me anything. I was supposed to go to speech therapy and get braces, of course that didn’t happen either. In middle school she got better and I actually insisted I wanted to go to public school. To my surprise I caught up in a year to my peers in most areas. During high school I was acting out and she would kick me out of the house all the time, tell me she wished she didn’t adopt me, saying I was horrible and that she would never trust me, etc. I got SA in high school where the guy went to federal prison for 15 years. I somehow got a full ride to university where I studied engineering. I dated a psychopath for 5 years who also abused me. I finally ended it with the ex and moved states. It took me awhile but I finally got a stable job and a stable kind partner, I am now 30. I’ve tried so so so hard to have a relationship with her. I don’t have any family and had some fantasy that if I tried enough she would be “normal”. She is now 78 and had to get spinal surgery. She has made one bad decision after another and will not plan and of course once it all falls apart I have to be the one to step in and “save” her. She’s getting discharged home and all I asked was her to get a mattress and to get a cat sitter and that if she didn’t I was done helping. She told me to stay away and that I was unsafe and that things I’ve done could be considered elder abuse (she has put me in situation where I was not equipped or warn on how to handle situations and really tried my best to help her). She’s manipulative where she will send me these messages and then also send me messages that she loves me and that she’s lonely. It’s how I keep managing to get roped into her own craziness. I feel like she adopted me because she didn’t want to be alone and for that reason only and now she might actually end up alone. Anyone else have had a similar experience? What was the straw that made you go low contact?

Repost since the adoption sub told me to post here instead.

I was adopted (international country to the US) by white people. I am a POC. I grew up in a predominantly white area but my parents tried to force me into learning about "my" culture and socializing with other adoptees from my region of the world. When I wasn't acting in the way my adoptive parents wanted me to like doing the hobbies they wanted me to do, I felt like I was never good enough. They wanted me to be their perfect little POC adoptee kid.

Now that I'm an adult living on my own I'm beginning to realize that my adoptive parents only loved the idea of me, and not actually who I was. I hate my birth parents and have no desire to meet them, and it's making me come to terms with the fact that people have only loved the idea of me, not me for who I really am.

I'm starting to resent my adopted parents just like I resent my birth parents. I feel like my adopted parents wanted the perfect little child, and if it was not me, another body double would be fine as long as the child behaved in the way that they wanted it to. As cliche as it sounds I feel like other people don't understand, or they don't want to take the time and listen to me. And I've tried 5+ therapists and after seeing unethical behavior, like pushing religion on me, so I quit therapy. It wasted my time and money.

Is this anyone else's experience? Or is it just me?

I was taken by the state for neglect and abuse. My mother was starving me. I hear adoptees talk about relinquishment. I don't know if her not showing up to the court hearing counts as relinquishment. I honestly don't know what to think of the entire situation. Is what she did worse than just abandoning me?

I was born in '73 and she was born in '48, so she is likely dead. Yet, I decided to start looking for her. Half of me hates her and the other half just wants to know what she looks like. Am I making a mistake given the circumstances?

I actually think that you should both be able to show your credit score to show that you aren't financially irresponsible (since credit scores in the US and apparently in some other countries are a thing) and also I think that there should be a rejection record as well similar to an eviction record that people have. Rejection records are not the same as when a biological parent decides to adopt. The reason why is because it could incentivize people to try to prevent that from happening which is not the goal. That would not go on the record. We're talking about things like failing home inspections, and stuff like that. I also think that there should be a way for adoption agencies to issue both statewide and Nationwide bans (this is for the US) in extreme circumstances.

if so, do you actually feel like that ended up being true for you?

i was adopted at birth by a great family. they have cared for me deeply and gave me stability, but even with a good adoptive family, there are still a lot of emotional struggles that come with being adopted, such as the loneliness, identity issues, grief, feeling disconnected, etc.

my b-mom placed me for adoption when she was in high school because she felt like she wouldn’t be able to give me the same opportunities she had growing up. i understand why a pregnant teenager would feel that way, and i don’t blame her for being scared.

what’s been really upsetting for me specifically is that she had a son only a couple years later, around 18 or 19, and kept him. my bio brother seems to have had a really good life and honestly had more opportunities than i did growing up. my bio mom has a great job and is loaded with money now, so he even got access to experiences i wanted but my adoptive parents couldn’t afford.

so now i’m left with this complicated feeling of, “if she was able to make it work for him only a couple years later, why wasn’t i worth pushing through those challenges of teen parenthood as well?” my b-mom was in college, so she still had school when my b-brother was born.

i know that sounds harsh. i love my adoptive parents, but sometimes i really think i would’ve rather gone through a couple shaky years with a young mom in high school than spend my entire life carrying the emotional weight that comes with being adopted.

i guess i’m just wondering if anyone else struggles with the idea that adoption was supposed to give them a “better life,” but emotionally it doesn’t really feel that black-and-white

[throw away]

My entire life was a whole lie, and my family knew it.

So, my entire life I thought my family were all older parents, older siblings, older everyone. I thought my parents got together, had me, and my mom got her tubes tied after having me cause she didn’t want anymore kids.

My entire 24 years of living I thought that was it.

But today I found out my eldest “sister” is actually my biological mother. She was a drug-addict, and was fucking random men, abandoning all the children she had (7 of us) because she didn’t give a fuck about us.

When she had me, my adoptive mom wanted a daughter. Turns out, my “father” my adoptive mom is married to, is actually my grandpa. He’s my grandfather. Not my biological father. But because his genetics were stronged, I passed enough to look like his kid. It made sense.

I’m genuinely so fucked up by this truth my brain can’t comprehend nor fathom over this. I can’t fathom this.

My entire life I thought all of my siblings were my half-siblings, my parents deciding to have me bc they wanted one more kid after they got married, and I came in between. My brain broke after finding out that my eldest sister is my real biological mother. This means my “sister”, and “brother” are actually my Aunt & Uncle. Their kids are my cousins, not my older nieces & nephews.

And my other “brothers” are actually my adopted step-brothers. This is confusing, I know, I have a relatively large family so this happens a lot.

But seeing this being the truth fucked up my perspective on my relatives. I’m angry over the fact that I was actually correct, my whole life I made jokes saying that I was an accident & a mistake, but my “dad” corrected me saying that I was planned.

I don’t even know who my real biological dad is.

My current mom adopted me because she wanted a daughter. At least she saved me from a life of trauma, and I told her that I didn’t care, she was my real biological mother. Not my “sister.”

I was just told this a few hours ago, I can’t fathom this, my brain is incomprehensible, and it’s fucking up my perspective on everything. I had to let this out somewhere. I can’t believe this. I’m in denial so I’m kinda fucked up right now.

Update: I should inform that my dad/grandpa is current deceased. He was strict on me not discovering this at all that demanded everyone to stay quiet. For yesrs nobody told me, and let me live in a false reality with how different my familial-relationships, them knowing the actual truth.

I’m 18, international adoptee from China, now live in US. Just finished high school, going to go to college but for the first two years I’ll be living at home. I want to get a DNA test (I think I’ll do it through ancestry.com) but I just don’t know when to do it. I know that there is so little hope of finding bio family, and that most likely my results will sit destitute for endless years. However, part of me is naive with 5e possibility that something might come up, and my whole life will be turned over.
My question is when should I get the dna test? I don’t know why, but I don’t really want my APs to have a role in this process- my mom’s a narc and they just seem to have crafted this narrative that suits them so they assume it works for me (lol they were doing what was best for you, they left you on the steps of a government building” that kind of bs).
I’m really ambitious and kinda feel like a failure. I’m doing community college for 2 years and then transferring to a UC instead of straight to university. I didn’t have a choice. My childhood was so messed up and now I’m paying the price. Anyway, should I do it during college? After? I’m going to get a master’s degree after college. Should I wait til I’m completely done with school? I would love help on this, I have no idea when to do this, because college and grand school mean a lot to me, and while I’m desperate to know about my bio family, I don’t want them ruining another part of my life.

Am curious to see who else is in my shoes.

I've been figuring out my adoption paperwork since 2016 and almost to the end goal. I've been also trying to reinstate my citizenship.

Anyone else on the same boat as me ?