u/Common_Home

So for context I'm transgender and was adopted at birth and since I turned 18 I gained answers to my original birth certificate and information about my birth mother. I took to the internet and pretty easily was able to find them on Facebook and by extension the rest of my birth "family."

The only problem is they seem very... I don't know how to say this without sounding elitist but like very fundamentally different from me. Like their southern and seem to be deeply religious one of my bio brothers is literally a pastor. And I'm like this atheist from the East Coast. I was watching a sermon that my birth brother had posted and it was one of those things along the line of like "Its not Adam andSteve it's Adam and Eve!" And I was just like I don't think I really ever want to talk to these people.

But then any time I've asked anybody in my personal life like what I should do they say I should want to reach out to them because they're literally right there and I'm pretty sure my mom mentioned something about how when I was adopted my birth mother mentioned that she really would like to meet me when I got to grow up see what type of person I'd like to be. I just feel like kind of selfish for seeing who they are and deciding for myself that I just don't think that we be compatible people.Like I'm almost being prejudice and assuming what they're like instead of letting them determine that for themselves. I asked a close friend and they said to give it a try because I'd rather take a look at it and regret it then never reach out and never know.

This is further kind of sped on by the fact that looking into my family history it seems like a lot of people want my bio mother's side of the family passed away earlier in life due to Cancers and other conditions so if I don't reach out now I might never get a chance. I guess I'm just coming here to ask if anybody thinks that it's like worth it. I don't want to open myself up to people who are just going to prophesize and try to convert me I'm just not interested in that. I have literally no problem with peoplqe who are religious you're allowed to believe whatever you want to believe but for me I just don't believe that that's real and the whole thing strikes me as a little silly and it's just like I feel like that would be kind of unfair to them too because they're expecting this daughter that I literally just am not.

Top of that now that I'm finally an adult I'm actually able to kind of start my transition like legally and hormonally and it's kind of a really emotionally vulnerable point for me still as it's still like the sort of thing I have to think about a lot and I really just don't want to introduce myself to someone just going to disrespect those beliefs that I have. I guess I'm just coming here to ask if anybody else has ever been in a similar situation and how it ended up for that and if any of you guys think it's worth it to reach out or if I should just like block them and act like I never saw anything.

So I'm pre-T and 18 and I've been trying my very best recently to pass more and solicit advice on how to pass better. As I am right now, I'm still under my parents roof, and while I'm lucky enough to not have an outright transphobic family, it's not like they have any interest in supporting me in any way, so the possibility of me being able to start testosterone or at least go to therapy for an official gender dysphoria diagnosis is not possible. My goal is to DIY, but I'm still working out and researching the logistics of that and if that could even be possible for me.

So now I'm just trying my very best with the base that I have. I voice train. I'm fat, so I'm losing weight and going to the gym to try to build muscle, and I bind 100 % of the time I go out. I Try to mimic the mannerisms of men, like speaking patterns, how people walk, etc. And still, to literally no result, I am gendered female probably 99% of the time that I go out. Honestly at this point I'm trying to make peace with it and accept the reality that until I start testosterone, it's going to be very difficult for me to pass.

That being said, I feel like anytime I try to ask for pre-test passing advice from communities and forums on the internet, they are overwhelmingly White. I get the overwhelming response that I already look like a man and that I don't even need testosterone. I don't know if this is just "hugboxing," like where people are more likely to glaze you online because they want you to feel good about yourself, but I know it's literally not true. I interact with cisgender men at work, in school, and at home. Other young Black men can be the same weight and build, but still, there is a definitive difference.

I've come to the conclusion that in these overwhelmingly white spaces they already view blackness as inherently masculine, and that's why they seem to think that it's easier for Black people to pass when, in reality, different communities have different standards for passing.

I don't want to speak for Asian transgender people, specifically transgender Asian women, but I saw a similar discussion online about a month ago, and I thought it reminded me of this. It was someone saying that transgender Asian women were "lucky" because Asian people already look inherently feminine and girly, so unlike the "rest of us," they hardly needed to transition at all. I feel like that's like a crazy generalization to make about like 60% of the world, but also it's just not true. Like maybe if you're approaching everything as a white person with white standards and have minority communities be the outliers.

But in reality as a trans person of color, specifically one who's trying to adhere to a gender binary, you're going to interact with your community, so how you look to a white person doesn't matter that much. Like, I really don't care if a bunch of white people on Twitter think it's easy for me to pass because to take one step in my shoes and to walk outside, you would see that it's literally not.

I feel like the crux of my problem is that white transness is so often seen as the default, and it seems like a lot of the time they like to carry over these white supremacist ideals of minorities being exotic and "other". It just upsets me to think because, like, if this is how you're seeing me, how do you see the cisgender people of my race also? Like, Black women are already so masculinized and treated so poorly as a result. I don't know about if the same thing happens to Asian men, but I imagine it could be the case.

I'm really hesitant to complain about fanfiction or be too critical of it because it's literally free entertainment. It's not like I have to pay or really do anything, and I'm appreciative of anybody who wants to spend their free time making something for others to enjoy. I guess I just don't understand why people will label something "X reader" or "y/n" when in reality they've made an original character, and it's just a first-person perspective. I'm also pretty sure that the majority of people reading and writing fanfiction are women, and maybe my perspective as a man is different in a way that other people don't notice because to them, femininity and a woman's perspective are just kind of like a default. This becomes even more apparent in more explicit works. I don't think it's a bad thing or anything I would actually complain to anyone's face about, but it is a little bit annoying when things just aren't tagged properly. I guess I've always just wondered why this is the case and why people don't just tag their original character first-person stories as original character first-person stories?

Hello to start I guess I should give some context who I am . I'm 18 years old and I've been obese for pretty much my entire life. Maybe not obese morbidly the whole time but I was a pretty heavy kid and I was 12 when covid happened and locked everything down and I kind of just ate and ate and ate to cope. I had gotten up to about 350 by the beginning of my senior year and was honestly pretty unhappy with myself. This year on New Year's I just kind of made a decision to cold turkey try being in a caloric deficit it was really really difficult for like the first 3 weeks but then after that it just started to become a part of my schedule and not that difficult to focus on. I definitely had my ups and downs but I'm proud of myself and I've been consistent enough to as of today be 299 lb. I know that for a lot of people where I am might be the beginning but this actually means so much to me. I haven't been in the 200s probably since middle school and I'm just really proud of myself. The only thing that I find kind of upsetting is like you can't really tell at all. I understand that gradual weight loss obviously it's not going to look crazy night and day but I've lost like 50 pounds and I look essentially the exact same. I looked at it before and after picture of myself and if I hadn't been wearing a different outfit it would look like the exact same day. I just feel kind of upset and demotivated about the whole thing and was wondering if anybody else has experienced this and how they delt with it?

Edited to make more readable.

(Possible TW I don't think this breaks any rules but it's a pretty sensitive topic.) I think there's a lot of confusion and mixed messages when it comes to what is transmed ideology and what is not floating around on the internet, so I guess I'm just coming here to ask. Different people seem to define it differently. Like I've seen some people say that the core idea of transmed is that the end goal for all transgender people should be a medical transition (like hormones, surgeries, whatever) to achieve your preferred gender. Obviously, I don't agree with that, as someone's own journey with their gender is entirely up to and personal to them. I feel like to say that you have to do a checklist for others, even in your own community, to respect you and view you as "really trans" is kind of silly and just feels needlessly exclusionary.

That again, I had an acquaintance call me "transmed" in the past in a derogatory fashion because I suggested to a friend that if his desire was to be stealth, he would need to give up some feminine things. Not that that would affect how I would view or refer to him in any way—obviously I respect his identity regardless of the clothing that he would wear—but if his goal is to pass as a binary cis man, and he already is not having the stature of or the hormones that a cis man would have, then wearing things like crop tops and skirts to the general public would not read like it would for a simply feminine cis man to do the samev. I want to make a point to say that this advice was not unsolicited we were both having a discussion about the topic, albeit in public and another friend of a friend chimed in. Again, I don't see anything wrong with anyone who wants to dress and be outside of the norm; all the power to you, and you still deserve respect and to have your identity validated. But this acquaintance suggested that simply for giving specific advice to a friend whose goal is to be binary, that I was somehow spreading a harmful rhetoric. I guess I just don't think I understand the perspective.

I am a trans man, and even though I might not pass well, my end goal is to pass. I want to take hormones and I want to have surgeries in order for that to happen. I don't think that anyone is lesser than me for having different goals, but I also don't think it's wrong or reductive to have those goals for myself. I also understand that maybe I only think this way because I'm young and I'm newer to my identity. I see that sort of discussion online a lot too, that people are more transmed in their younger years, but once they mature, they just don't care as much anymore. I don't know, obviously I don't want to be hateful or make anyone feel uncomfortable, but seriously don't think I said anything that was wrong.

Title says it all but it just makes me so mad how normalized and just ingrained in everything transphobia is. For context I'm FTM and I work on retail. I'm young and Pre-T so to most people I read as just a woman, at most a stud so I often find myself on the "inside" of discussions from my cis coworkers. So the other day there was this customer a trans woman and obviously its the summer its hot out and she's wearing this really pretty outfit and after she left one of my older coworkers came up to me and was like "dammm I wish I had been that hot back in the day like, she was fine and she knew it" and a few of us were just yapping like yea that lady was really pretty and then the coworker I can't stand, lets call her A walks up and goes "you guys know thats a man right, like ewww". And I said "nah dawg I'm pretty sure she's a woman" and she goes "No HES a tr@nny in a skirt?". Umm tf, just say you're jealous that she's bad asf and your chopped cheese. Obviously I'm not going to get into a whole verbal altercation at work but like why do you feel the need to put down and embarrass a random lady you don't know just because you feel some type of way. So I said that and she starts like acting weird, like I'm being dramatic and I'm doing too much like why would I care. And that's my main point I hate that transphobia is like the default position for people so to be against it is something strange. And then she starts transvestigating me start quote like "oh are you secretly a dude too" laughing like a hyena like she just made the funniest joke in the world. Flash Forward to now like 2 weeks later she wants to act all surprised that I'm being cold and not really cordial with her. And what else is crazy to me she stays calling me this hyper effeminate nickname version of my name that I asked her multiple times not to call me. Mind you my name is on my name tag she's only ever been introduced to me by my name. The whole thing just made me so mad like why does it seem like I'm the only person who cares about the disrespect she's showing? And it pisses me off more that she's Lowkey right like the only person in this situation who seems to actually care and be against transphobia is me the only other trans person there. Like why isn't that nobody seems to care about anybody but themselves and the groups that they're a part of. You shouldn't have to be trans to care about trans rights you shouldn't have to be a woman to care about women's rights, and most of all that you should just be showing people a basic level of respect.

Title says it all but it just makes me so mad how normalized and just ingrained in everything transphobia is. For context I'm FTM and I work on retail. I'm young and Pre-T so to most people I read as just a woman at most a stud so I often find myself on the "inside" of discussions from my cis coworkers. So the other day there was this customer a trans woman and obviously its the summer its hot out and she's wearing this really pretty outfit and after she left one of my older coworkers came up to me and was like "dammm I wish I had been that hot back in the day like, she was fine and she knew it" and a few of us were just yapping like yea that lady was really pretty and then the coworker I can't stand, lets call her A walks up and goes "ypu guys know thats a man right, like ewww". And I said "nah dawg she's a woman" and she goes "No HES a tranny in a skirt?". Umm tf, just say you're jealous that shes bad asf and your chopped cheese. Obviously I'm not going to get into a whole verbal altercation at work but like why do you feel the need to put down and embarrass a random lady you don't know just because you feel some type of way. So I said that and she starts like acting weird, like I'm being dramatic and I'm doing too much like why would I care. And that's my main point I hate that transphobia is like the default position for people so to be against it is something strange. And then she starts transvestigating me start quote like "oh are you secretly a dude too" laughing like a hyena like she just made the funniest joke in the world. Flash Forward to now like 2 weeks later she wants to act all surprised that I'm being cold and not really cordial with her. And what else is crazy to me she stays calling me this hyper effeminate nickname version of my name that I asked her multiple times not to call me. Mind you my name is on my name tag she's only ever been introduced to me by my name. The whole thing just made me so mad like why does it seem like I'm the only person who cares about the disrespect she's showing? And it pisses me off more that she's Loki right like the only person in this situation who seems to actually care and be against transphobia is me the only other trans person there. Like why isn't that nobody seems to care about anybody but themselves and the groups that they're a part of. You shouldn't have to be trans to care about trans rights you shouldn't have to be a woman to care about women's rights, and most of all that you should just be showing people a basic level of respect.

So I'm mostly hoping to attract other guys with this post preferably with more coily type 4 hair. I have an online consultation with a loctition next week and before I commit to the 75$ fee I just wanted to mill some ideas around and collect some wisdom. So I've pretty much alternated styles of braids most of my life (cornrows:patterned and straightback.) I also rocked just the afro for a bit which was ok but its not like I was super attached to it or anything. I've wanted to get locs for a long time but I was worried That it would have the opposite effect that I was going for, Like it would make me look somehow way more feminine. Also I was still in high school , so experimenting at all , really just felt kind of scary Like everyone was so judgmental at the time. But I just recently graduated and have been planning saving up for a little while and think i'm finally ready to get locs. I guess i'm just asking if there's anything I should be asking for in specific, Like an order for my locs to end up looking more masculine. Like I know for my braider, I have her not give me edges and do the ends not curled like she does for a lot of her other clients because I feel like that just makes the hair style look way more Feminine and I like that, but I guess I'm just asking since I've never had this specific hairstyle before.Is there anything else like that, hat I should be making sure to ask or clarify?

To preface this post I'm Trans FTM so I'm asking for advice specifically for achieving a more masculine look with my hair if you disagree with that identity in anyway thats fine but simply scroll I'm really not looking for a whole debate.So I'm mostly hoping to attract other guys with this post preferably with more coily type 4 hair. I have an online consultation with a loctition next week and before I commit to the 75$ fee I just wanted to mill some ideas around and collect some wisdom. So I've pretty much alternated styles of braids most of my life (cornrows:patterned and straightback.) I also rocked just the afro for a bit which was ok but its not like I was super attached to it or anything. I've wanted to get locs for a long time but I was worried That it would have the opposite effect that I was going for, Like it would make me look somehow way more feminine. Also I was still in high school , so experimenting at all , really just felt kind of scary Like everyone was so judgmental at the time. But I just recently graduated and have been planning saving up for a little while and think i'm finally ready to get locs. I guess i'm just asking if there's anything I should be asking for in specific, Like an order for my locs to end up looking more masculine. Like I know for my braider, I have her not give me edges and do the ends not curled like she does for a lot of her other clients because I feel like that just makes the hair style look way more Feminine and I like that, but I guess I'm just asking since I've never had this specific hairstyle before.Is there anything else like that, hat I should be making sure to ask or clarify?

So I'm mostly hoping to attract other black guys with this post preferably with more coily type 4 hair. I have an online consultation with a loctition next week and before I commit to the 75$ fee I just wanted to mill some ideas around and collect some wisdom. So I've pretty much alternated styles of braids most of my life (cornrows:patterned and straightback.) I also rocked just the afro for a bit which was ok but its not like I was super attached to it or anything. I've wanted to get locs for a long time but I was worried That it would have the opposite effect that I was going for, Like it would make me look somehow way more feminine. Also I was still in high school , so experimenting at all , really just felt kind of scary Like everyone was so judgmental at the time. But I just recently graduated and have been planning saving up for a little while and think i'm finally ready to get locs. I guess i'm just asking if there's anything I should be asking for in specific, Like an order for my locs to end up looking more masculine. Like I know for my braider, I have her not give me edges and do the ends not curled like she does for a lot of her other clients because I feel like that just makes the hair style look way more Feminine and I like that, but I guess I'm just asking since I've never had this specific hairstyle before.Is there anything else like that, hat I should be making sure to ask or clarify?

Trigger warning for talking about , like food and bodyweight If that sort of thing makes you feel weird just skip. I've been looking at myself and my body weight a lot this year , more than I ever have. Not even in like an insecurity way but just like objectively and now specifically , in relation to transitioning. I decided to finally come out to some close friends and family this year And I know that while I don't pass , I still am trying to make myself look more masculine. I've also been trying to lose more weight this year , unrelated to the transgender thing. But now i've been thinking about them more in connection, I honestly really could care less about being fat or skinny or whatever , but I know that people treat you better based on how you look and I like people to treat me nicer. But the more I think about it, the more I almost don't know, like being fat or tall as a young girl despite how hard you want to try , you're still very masculinized to an extent. And I know for a lot of cisgender women that's a big point of insecurity , but it was always something that brought me a lot of gender euphoria , even if it was coming from the wrong place. Like , even if no one sees me as a man or a boy , I still get to at least be a manly girl, And I worry that in losing weight and becoming slighter , I might lose , like my only connection to that , I guess i'm just wondering if anybody else feels the same way. Also, just to clarify, I'm nowhere close to that I've lost, like 30 pounds and I've still got a long, long way to go, so it's not like this is an urgent problem. I just wonder if I'm the only one that feels this way.And in the same vein t's not like I want to be a fat girl for the rest of my life but I wouldn't hate being a fat guy.