r/TMPOC

I'm coming up on my first full year on T, and the hostility from queer white spaces is insane!!! Before I started T I was very accepted and considered almost tye "friendly neighborhood spiderman" but I feel like as a started to become more masculine those same spaces are starting to almost demonize me and outcast me without reason or explanation. I've noticed most hostility coming from gay white trans men specifically. Wtf is this about bro🤦🏿‍♂️

I don't think I'm trans enough because I find male clothings boring and no taste. But I also hate wearing skirts either. I also think some femme clothings are cute, but that makes me think that why not just be a gnc butch woman instead. I also do not fit into Binary trans man mold either. And I questioned my gender identity over 5 months now, but few 3 years ago I watched trans man related content on Youtube but I was transphobic and since I'm only 5'4 I cannot be a trans man and thought trans man isn't real. I still have my doubts being trans man is really being a man.
Before I questioned my gender, I also went through this shitty situation with a cis het guy who I met for three days, and this guy proposed to me for marriage and that for some reason traumatized me [and the guy was a total creep] to the point where I stopped a cycle over a month and I just hated being a woman. I cut my hair short 5 months ago for the first time in my life and I finally felt so handsome and good aabout myself but my body was looking pretty shit. I never liked or disliked my body it was more there to carry me on for the day.
I have been also very angry to other man and begin to feel Jealousy over other trans man who went through top and bottom surgery and look like a dude. Maybe it is that I want male privilege who god knows...But I also want to be born as a cis het man next life because I had enough life as a woman.

Am I hallucinating or does this make me less of a trans man?

Real advice pleas. thanks.

I have just transferred to a new college, and for the first time I am out as a guy. I've never said explicitly that I am trans, so I suppose functionally I am stealth? But also I don't think I pass that well. I am in a progressive city, so I think that a lot of people may just understand what I'm going for and roll with it. I'm also Black, so I figure that people who are on the fence just assume I am more masculine because of my race.

Before now, in my closeted, early HRT life, I felt like I was a mostly "sexless" creature. I had sex characteristics of both genders, you know. Now that I have a decent amount of facial hair and my back has widened, and with a name that just cannot be unisex, people read me as male. But I feel so bad for all the women I encounter.

This feeling I feel towards women extends to all areas of my life. On the bus, I try not to sit next to them unless there are no other seats. And even then, I would rather stand before forcing a woman to sit next to a man. In class, it's the same way. I never start a conversation with a woman unless it's on an academic topic. And even then, I've seen so many videos of women saying how we (men) mansplain and never shut up during class. So I try to talk less as to not speak over them.

In my life before now, being a mostly sexless creature, I found that I didn't feel the need to adjust how I functioned in society as to not offput women. I knew I was male, but no one else did. So, I was not a threat to women and I wasn't seen as a man. I was kind of just nothing?

I enjoy talking in class, my major is English, Pre-Law, and I love to discuss and debate with my classmates. It comes easier to me now that I am not closeted—I used to hate speaking in class because everyone would refer to me as my deadname and reference me as she—but I am always worried that I am overstepping or talking over women.

When I lived my life as a woman, or when I was sexless, I remember how women would talk to me and complain about guys and how they would talk over them and be so annoying. In class the other day, my group (three men and two women) merged with another group (five women), and I watched as the group of all women was disgusted by the way that one of the men in my group was talking. He wasn't doing anything wrong, he was just kind of annoying and loud. But I recognized that complete disdain that I only see women hold towards members of the opposite sex.

I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel comfortable and happy with who I am and how people see me, yet I also don't want to overreach and become the kind of person that people hate. Before now, I never really thought of the difference between the sexes. But now it plagues me.

After my appointments, and a brief hassle from my insurance company, I got my tgel packets! I applied the first one as soon as I got out the shower this morning!