u/Terrible_Parfait9403

first of all, I'm middle eastern (or west asian, whatever the politically correct term is idfk) on my mother's side but very much white passing so no one really assumes I'm mixed unless I say something. While this obviously gives me white privilege which I do understand is, well, a privilege, and is not something I take for granted, this creates a lot of passive aggressive racist comments to be made around me by white people who think I'm "one of them." Like the type of white people who are perfectly respectful and normal around poc, but start making gross jokes when the room turns all-white.

This is isolating (do these people only view me positively because I'm mostly white?) and scary (would these people treat me badly if I mention my heritage?) and something I thought I could escape by surrounding myself by white "progressive" allies + queer folk but it's always me and the one other mixed person in the room speaking up and being ignored. Like these racist jokes are made around me more than they would be if I weren't white passing, but because I'm mixed I can't just brush them off or condone them like monoracial white people can. Not to mention how I'm expected to, as an afab "white" person, reprimand the people making these jokes gently, instead of telling them that they are genuinely an irritating, boring human being like I want to.

I also have been shut down with the "you're not REALLY middle eastern" comment multiple times so I also feel like I can't protest against how white supremacist/"middle eastern people are dangerous" jokes hurt me personally. I have had someone who has personal beef with the idea of me being mixed (long story) say "watch out for middle eastern people [at an event]" (implying a bombing) so that I would be too uncomfortable to mention my race.

Every white person I know irl does not stand up against racist comments so it feels like I'm constantly trapped between being too white for poc and too poc for white people. It's really exhausting but I don't feel like I can mention this around my poc friends because it feels like such a white person complaint and it feels strange to just randomly vent about to my non weird white friends.

My hairdresser (lady nearing middle age, so I think she sorta follows older beliefs when it comes to haircare) told me that using conditioner would straighten my hair, so I'm very hesitant to use it, but after stumbling upon advice for permed hair, literally everyone is saying that conditioner is important for permed hair.

My hair isn't super frizzy or dry, holds curls well (unless I sleep on it, but I assume that just comes from needing my perm to be redone and isn't related to the conditioner,) and feels soft and healthy, but I do develop dead ends really really quickly which I assumed was just part of having a perm. I don't think there's a super noticable difference when I don't have a perm and am using conditioner vs when I have a perm and am not, but if this is damaging my already perm compromised hair, then I want to make sure I'm actually keeping it healthy.

My perm isn't super curly (the curlers she uses are like in the middle if that helps with the general idea) so I'm wondering if that is the reason why she told me not to use it ? Or is she just following outdated knowledge ? If so, are there any conditioners I should absolutely avoid ?