u/ImpressiveCloud686

just yesterday, me and my friend (let's just refer to him as One), and his boyfriend (Two) went to this artist market near my house and were hanging out together. One slept over at my house since it was close to an event we were going to while Two wanted to go home since he was pretty tired and just wanted to rest in his bed.

One ended up getting rlly drunk while i got a little baked and it was a pretty fun time. we started talking about secrets and along the way, we started talking the first time i met Two which was at a party. at said party i was crossfaded, paranoid and getting memories of unfortunate things that happened to me and i was embarrassed about making a really poor impression so i tried my best not to talk to One or Two while i was like that. One asked me why i didnt want to talk to his bf and why i was "looking at them weirdly" so i told him that truth. he was relieved because apparently some of our mutual friends think that "i'm into him" and have been making a big deal about that night.

this is when i started to feel this sinking sensation inside my chest. a mutual friend in particular (she will be called Three) was mentioned as one of the people who headcanoned my relationship with One. i just felt really weirded out since I told Three that i'm not interested in dating, much less being in love with someone, multiple times. I thought she would've believed me since I think she's a nice person and I've never felt uneasy around her until today. However, I have noticed her looking over at me and One a few times in a way that implies she thinks there is something between us but I just ignored it. One, Four (mainly One's best friend, goes to school with me and One), Three, and Five (mutual friend, mainly Three's best friend) went out to eat a few days ago for Five's birthday since they all live near eachother. I'm pretty sure they talked about me as a conversation topic since I wasn't there and that's why One wanted to bring up the initial meeting with me and his boyfriend.

It also annoys me that One is the person that initiates physical contact while drunk but all of this is put on me because people think I like him, even when I never actively seek that sort of affection. People want healthy male friendships but will say somethings up when two guys cuddle platonically. The thing that bothers me the most is that I'm affectionate with One as much as his other cis male friends are with him. Four can casually ask about how One's private area looks and no one bats an eye, but when I sit a little too close to him suddenly it's because "I have a crush on him". I also noticed this morning One seemed to be more quieter than usual but I just think that's because he was tired from drinking himself to oblivion the night before and was eager to be home.

I'm really hurt by this because it feels like I'm being treated like a small cute girl who follows around the boy she likes. It makes me sick because all of it is just so familiar to shit that went down back in the past. I've always been in this sort of situation where people think I hang around guys to seek romantic approval and praise from "the opposite sex". The idea of being someone's girlfriend is something I've always found myself being averse to and now it feels like that idea is being perpetuated by the people I thought respected me. I've worked so hard to be seen as my own person and now suddenly the outside perception of my being (by friends who honestly don't even know me that intimately) is centered around a guy that I don't even have interest in. All of our mutual friends are queer people themselves, yet they still subconsciously implement romance and male centered thinking when it should not be thought about.

If this happened with a female friend or if I was a cis male, I don't think they would be making such strong claims about how I feel. I know they probably don't mean any harm, but its always the ones who don't mean it who say the most hurtful things. no one takes me seriously when i want them to but when i say or do something lighthearted with A CLOSE FRIEND, suddenly everyone is sherlocke holmes trying to figure out the secret. Maybe if I stop wearing vibrant outfits, speak and smile less and rid myself of everything "feminine" about me, people will finally see me as a person worthy of respect. Even so, I know that no matter what, I'll always be read as feminine or inferior because of my race and the way I physically look

I'm honestly a bit hesitant to be around One tomorrow at school now that I know there are people out there who I think I like him like that, but I feel guilty for thinking that because I think it's only weird if I make it weird. At the same time, it would also be awkward if I don't clearly address anything since we were talking about it when we were in an altered state of mind. I just want to be free and be friends with people and not owe anyone an explanation. Do I not even deserve that much?

((YET ANOTHER POST BY ME ABOUT THIS SHITHOLE. im sorry guys))

For context, I go to an alternative school where majority of the student body is actually queer. It's a really small school where everybody kinda knows everybody and rumours get around fast. From a distance, this place sounds perfect right? The only thing that makes it the fartherest thing from paradise is the fact that it's located on the rich side of town which makes it home to white gay and neurodivergent kids with problems and money. It feels like one big discord server.

There are three people in my year level who are white with Asian chosen names. One of them recently changed their name from their original name they chose to a Haikyuu character's because he started watching the show. It's not 2020 anymore why are we still doing this guys. Also, all three of them have Japanese names that aren't even conventional Japanese names. Like calling yourself "mochi".

I know its not my problem, but it still irritates me. Should I say something? Asians at my school (me and like 3+ other ppl) all think its weird. I know POC at my school and the thing we all have in common is having to hear the racist remarks of our classmates and even teachers. I know someone who got falsely accused of something when they tried to defend themselves from a racist girl who was yelling racial slurs at them, and people talking about how another girl I know should "go back to where she came from". All of this happens to us at our school, but the white people with Japanese chosen names don't have to worry about anything? It feels so unfair snd if I were to say something, I'd get backlash instantly. I really should just let it slide and not talk to them at all. But still...Why did they have to make that their name? I feel like I should say something, but is it worth it?

Not really related to my own transition but something I just need to get off my chest. Why won't the doctors let me get diagnosed for literally anything. The only time I've been treated properly was when there was blood coming out of my ass during gastro. Otherwise, they've never cared about me ever. I've been trying to get diagnosed with excessive daytime sleepiness and check whether its idiopathic hypersomnia/narcolepsy or just a circadian rhythm issue.

The last time I was trying to get treated for this was when I was 15 and they didn't even take me seriously but wanted me to keep coming back. They told me I had to stop napping (the literal point is that I can't) so they could stabilise my sleep schedule and do a sleep test. They told me that they wouldn't treat me if I continued to sleep during the day and so I tried my best not to. Then when that happened, they said that there was nothing wrong with me and that they won't do a sleep test even though I met their criteria. They tell me "everyone's sleep schedule is different so there's nothing wrong with you" then proceed to tell me "you need to sleep like a normal person or else we won't do anything about it"

Why is it like this? Am I not high value enough for them? Almost every doctor I see doubts me and thinks I'm just seeking attention because of the way I look. Getting HRT legally as a minor has taken 4 years and they told me that they would be able to give it to me before I turn 18. I'm 17 now and they've done absolutely nothing but my white friend who goes to the same clinic got it in 6 months. They will have more sympathy for a white person who scrolls on their phone all the time and therefore has life ruining ADHD or something adjacent. So many of my white queer acquaintances are diagnosed with some sort of neurodivergence and tell me that I don't know what it's like to suffer like they do. They take days off school for a mental health day while I force myself to get out of bed while having dizziness and unable to keep my eyes open and have to travel 1hr from my house to my school on the opposite side of the city

I'm always 1hr late to my morning class, can't concentrate and I start getting tired after 4-5hrs of being awake despite having a full 8hrs of sleep, get headaches constantly and I feel like a zombie. But that's not because there's something wrong with me, it's just because I'm a lazy piece of shit who wastes the time of the precious doctor. Fuck my life