u/ajskemckellc

Hold the Line
For every adoptee out there, I encourage you: hold the line.
Hold the line.

Hold the line hard. Hold the line strong.

No matter what you’ve been through, and no matter what you still have to go through to heal, I want you to know something:
It’s not your fault.
It really isn’t your fault, friend.

When I say hold the line, I’m talking about an army of adoptees becoming incredibly strong. Mentally strong. Emotionally strong. Physically strong. Intelligent. Resilient.

People who know how to show up when it matters.
Because we know what it feels like when people don’t show up for us.

Our adoptive parents may or may not have shown up for us in the ways we needed. And whatever the circumstances were, our biological parents were not there to raise us.

We know absence.
Which means we also know exactly what it means when someone actually shows up.

So if there’s anything I can impress upon you as your friend, as your brother, it’s this: be the person who shows up.

No matter what you’re going through. No matter how hard today is. No matter how tired you are of fighting.
There is an adoptee out there fighting tooth and nail for their documents.
Fighting for the truth.
Fighting for respect.
Fighting to be seen.
Fighting to be heard.
You are not fighting alone.
I fight for myself because I have to.
And I will always fight for you.
Hold the line.

Genuinely curious, would you buy it and read it? Why do I have to productize my pain, grief and experiences? Is this emotional weight too heavy and a paperback feel lighter for you to carry around?

Maybe you could just believe me, named what happened with me, stop minimizing my pain and help me carry it. If you friend…came to me with this much pain my reaction wouldn’t be “you should write a book”. If you were in a car accident would I tell you to write a book?

I don’t think I’ve ever in my life told anyone to write a book about their lived trauma experience as a human. I don’t think my story is particularly unique: many non-adoptees experience emotional and physical abuse, narcissist parenting, gaslighting, secrets, reunion and revelations.

Sure my family drama is a page turner. Adoption/reunion has everything: origin, secrecy, betrayal, identity, grief, longing, records, family mythology, truth.

I’m not sorry my truth is uncomfortable for you to hear. relinquishment is loss, secrecy is violence, “chosen” is bullshit propaganda, and reunion can reopen the nervous system beyond anything you’ve experienced.

It’s so dismissive, irritating, and irrational to tell me to write a book. Tell me to be grateful while you’re at it. Maybe I should just shut up or better yet bury my pain into a book so you can see the title and cover, my name as the author just for you to just walk by and dismiss it. At least you won’t have to do it to my face. Tell me you can’t be accountable without telling me. Go on.

Please distance yourself more from my pain-a book on the shelf you’ll never buy, read, contemplate, integrate or apply. Please ask me to do more work than you’ll ever do in your life: feels oh so familiar, damn shall I say familial?

No thank you.

Just know you’re not alone.

To my adopted brothers and sisters who may feel heavy, you’re not broken, and you’re not alone.