u/legswithsnake

i don’t really have anything novel to say here, but i was just thinking about how my bio mom paid for things like a boob job, a pure-bred dog, nights at the club, and vacations around the world.

i’m sorry that raising your daughter would’ve hindered you from affording those VERY important things. /s

i think someone posted a while ago about how adoptees don’t really have a place on the left or right side of the political spectrum when it comes to adoption, and i couldn’t agree more. i’m as left-leaning as they come, but some of the takes i hear from fellow leftists make my blood boil.

firstly, i see a lot of feminists and leftists advocate for closed adoptions. the reasoning is “if i was sexually assaulted and denied an abortion, i would not want that reminder showing up on my doorstep one day.” well… i’m sorry, but that reminder is a human being who didn’t ask for any of this. SA trauma is real, but adoption trauma is too. i really don’t know how to counter-argue this take without sounding disrespectful and condescending to the hypothetical birth mother. it’s just so hard for people to put themselves in the shoes of adoptees…

secondly, i’m sure most of us have seen the take that “queer people deserve the chance to parent too!” in regards to LGBTQ+ couples adopting, and i do agree that queer couples should be allowed to adopt. however, it just reaches muddy territory for me when people start talking about infant adoption and the “right” for these couples raise a child from birth. the first priority should ALWAYS be the birth mother, and resources should be allocated towards her so she can keep her baby if she’s in a tough situation. it doesn’t matter who the adoptive parents would be—we should not simply point to adoption as the first solution.

so, my bio mom’s family is INSANELY privileged. i was only really given up for adoption because she was 15 years old when she had me. i was fed that “you were given a better life” BS for as long as i can remember. my bio mom might’ve had a better life without me, but i don’t know if i had a better one without her.

she’s a mountaineer and has travelled all across the world with my little brother, whom she kept only a few years after i was relinquished. i don’t wish her a bad life by any means, but my blood literally boils when i see pictures of their mother-son adventures. traveling is a dream of mine, but my adoptive parents have always been stick-in-the-mud types. so, i basically had to grow up in a small rural town while my bio mom and brother got to live out the life i desperately craved. my brother is only 17 and has already experienced so many amazing things that i couldn’t have growing up… so much for my bio family adopting me out so i could have “better opportunities,” ha. it just hurts to see my brother live the life i could’ve (and should’ve) had, especially since we’re so close in age.

this is basically just a drawn-out way for me to say that i’m jealous. unless my bio mom offers to bring me on a big trip with her and my brother (which is looking unlikely), i don’t think this bitterness will ever go away.

this is a really specific request, but i’m going through some shit right now and i just can’t find any songs that are hitting the spot for me.

honestly any song about abandonment in general would work; i just wanna be able to relate it to my situation

i like any genre/era of emo!

i was venting to my a-parents about some bio parent drama, and my a-dad said “aren’t you glad you got to have us as parents instead of [b-dad] and [b-mom]? you were given a blessing.”

i have a good a-dad, but just thinking about that statement still makes my blood boil. i completely stopped the conversation after he said that.

so, i (21F) was adopted at birth and contacted my bio dad for the first time on facebook earlier this year.

the conversation was going well at first and he was VERY enthusiastic, but over a few weeks, things naturally fizzled out. no big deal; we’re both busy and life happens.

we hadn’t talked in a few months, but today, i got the following message from him out of the blue. this literally just happened, so i still don’t know what to make of things; i’m just posting here to clear my mind:

“ I have lied to my wife and family about our conversations over the past 7 months and have ruined our family. I’ve got to fix my marriage and build the trust back so I won’t be available.”

for added context, he has four other kids who don’t know about me. also, he mentioned to me that as soon as they started dating (12 years ago), he let his wife know that he had a daughter he put up for adoption. so… now that doesn’t add up. i guess he just never told her that i got in touch with him?

bio dad also invited me to a literal concert with him back in june? i had to decline the invitation, but now i’m wondering what his plan here was if i did decide to go while his wife/kids didn’t know about me… we have never met in-person, but he always seemed very excited and open to the idea.

i’m just so, so, mad (at both myself and him). is he blaming me? he didn’t even bother to include something along the lines of “this isn’t your fault.” obviously i know his marriage isn’t my responsibility, but something like that would have been nice to hear if he wanted to soften the blow….

should i even respond to this text? i feel like i should just say nothing at all. i’m tempted to even block him

i grew up in a christian household, with my a-parents taking me to sunday school as a kid. even as a young child, i just didn’t click with religion. i never paid attention to or cared for the bible stories at sunday school. my a-parents weren’t overbearing with their christianity at all, and respected my request to stop attending church with them in the sixth grade.

now, i was adopted at birth, and i’m wondering if the way they talked about it is what turned me off to religion. i always heard stuff like “your birth mother blessed us,” or “you’re a gift from god,” and even as a kid this just never made sense to me. now that i’m adult, i think i’ve finally found a way to verbalize my feelings: “what you consider your greatest blessing, i consider my greatest trauma.”

i’m just wondering if anybody else grew up feeling weird about religion, even if your a-parents were respectful and didn’t necessarily force it on you. could those sentiments be tied to my subconscious feelings about being adopted, or am i just naturally a skeptical person?

this is a VERY specific request, but i’m wondering if anybody knows of any small vendors or stores i can visit to get a present for my baby nephew’s birthday.

i kinda procrastinated and don’t have time to order anything online, so i need something i can go buy in-person. his family loves anything vols related; preferably something with smokey the dog on it.

thanks!

i (21) finally started reading the primal wound, and the “distrust of the feminine” section really grabbed my attention. it brought light to buried sentiments of mine that i felt absolutely horrible about.

i’m a woman, but i’ve always had a horrible time connecting with other women. i crave female friendships, but there’s just the unshakable fear that they’ll reject me or prefer another friend over me, so i rarely go out of my way to pursue them.

as a kid, i rejected femininity and “girly” stuff (which my adoptive mom was not too fond of, but accepting nonetheless). i refused to wear makeup or put effort into my appearance until i was 18 or so. ironically, as an adult, i’m almost obsessed with my looks and fashion. i think it’s because i desperately want to get that approval from other women and fear being turned away by them. i’m also in reunion with my bio mom, so i have this deep desire for her to see me as beautiful.

with that being said, i’ve always found it much easier to befriend and form romantic relationships with guys. i didn’t care as much about their approval, so i wasn’t as hyper vigilant and found it easier to let my guard down.

basically, i just feel so on-edge around other women and i wish i could feel accepted. female friendships are so important, but i feel incapable of letting myself be vulnerable because i’m terrified that they’ll see the “real me” and reject me.

does anybody else relate? i feel like i don’t see this topic brought up much. it’s something that i personally feel horrible admitting as a woman!

i found my bio mom earlier this year, but after texting for a while, she told me that she needed some space since this was all very triggering for her. i respect that boundary and want to be mindful of her own trauma, but now it just feels like i’m in limbo. how long does she need space? will she ever reach back out at all?

it’s been about a month since then and i’m dying to talk to my other family members, but i really don’t want to cross a line by reaching out to them. i know i have a right to do so, but my main fear is that i’ll upset my bio mom and cause her to retreat from me even further.

right now, my bio grandma and brother are the only people i’d even know how to contact. i matched with my bio grandma on ancestry, so i have a way of messaging her from there. i’m just not sure what i’d say to her (i’m pretty sure she already knows that i found my bio mom).

i found my brother on instagram, and i am VERY interesting in talking to him. however, my bio mom has not told him about me. he’s an upcoming senior in high school, so i feel like i’d be getting into messy territory by being the one to break the news to him (even though he deserved to know, like, yesterday). my bio mom would have no choice but to engage with the situation if he asks her about me, so i’m worried that she’ll be angry at me, thus further delaying a positive relationship with her. i feel like i should wait until either he finds out on his own or until he finishes high school.

again, i know i have every right to contact my other family members, but i’m just very worried about upsetting my bio mom. i want to meet her more than anybody, but i feel like messaging other family members would be like poking at her wound and she’d just distance herself from me even more. i’m afraid she’ll see that as me disrespecting her request for space.

i found my bio mom earlier this year, but after texting for a while, she told me that she needed some space since this was all very triggering for her. i respect that boundary and want to be mindful of her own trauma, but now it just feels like i’m in limbo. how long does she need space? will she ever reach back out at all?

it’s been about a month since then and i’m dying to talk to my other family members, but i really don’t want to cross a line by reaching out to them. i know i have a right to do so, but my main fear is that i’ll upset my bio mom and cause her to retreat from me even further.

right now, my bio grandma and brother are the only people i’d even know how to contact. i matched with my bio grandma on ancestry, so i have a way of messaging her from there. i’m just not sure what i’d say to her (i’m pretty sure she already knows that i found my bio mom).

i found my brother on instagram, and i am VERY interesting in talking to him. however, my bio mom has not told him about me. he’s an upcoming senior in high school, so i feel like i’d be getting into messy territory by being the one to break the news to him (even though he deserved to know, like, yesterday). my bio mom would have no choice but to engage with the situation if he asks her about me, so i’m worried that she’ll be angry at me, thus further delaying a positive relationship with her. i feel like i should wait until either he finds out on his own or until he finishes high school.

again, i know i have every right to contact my other family members, but i’m just very worried about upsetting my bio mom. i want to meet her more than anybody, but i feel like messaging other family members would be like poking at her wound and she’d just distance herself from me even more. i’m afraid she’ll see that as me disrespecting her request for space.

There’s a sausage pizza from Restaurant A. Somebody takes a slice of a pepperoni pizza from Restaurant B, and merges it into the pizza from Restaurant A. They remove the pepperoni and add sausage so that it fits in with the rest.

However, the crust can’t be changed. The slice came from a different place, used different ingredients, and was baked in a different oven. Even if you remove the pepperoni and add sausage, after one taste, people can probably tell that the slice from Restaurant B is “off” from the others. It’ll stick out like a sore thumb, even if they can’t put a finger on why exactly that is. No matter how much you change the presentation, you can’t change the original recipe and ingredients.

My bio mom picked my name at birth, but my adoptive parents changed it. I literally just now found out that she made my bio brother’s middle name the first name she had chosen for me. I figured this out totally on accident; my bio mom didn’t tell me. I went through my bio brother’s tagged posts, and one of his friends put my brother’s full legal name in the caption.

I really don’t know if I should feel offended or honored by this. Even if it was done in remembrance of me, I can’t help but feel like I was replaced. My bio brother has no idea that I exist, but gets to have my name? What does my bio mom tell him if he asks why she chose that name? Even if my bio mom had good intentions, it just kinda hurts. If she named him after me in memoriam, why wouldn’t she want to tell me that? An important piece of my story is part of his identity, yet he doesn’t even know my identity exists. It almost feels like something was stolen from me, especially since my brother was only born a couple years after me.

I was wanting to change my first name back to what my bio mom had picked out, but now I’d feel weird since it’s my brother’s middle name. I know this is pretty minor and probably dramatic, but I’m just posting because I’m kind of in shock.

I (F21) was adopted at birth and recently connected with both bio parents through Facebook

Both if them were happy to hear from me, but my bio dad was especially enthusiastic. He told me it had always been a dream of his to meet me, and literally invited me to a concert less than 24 hours after I found him (contacted him in January, concert was scheduled for June). A few weeks into talking, I told him something pretty vulnerable about my own adoption feelings, which is when he ghosted me and never responded.

In April, he broke the silence and reached back out to me because he needed my info to secure the concert tickets. I politely declined the tickets and explained to him that a concert is way too overwhelming of a setting for me to meet him for the very first time, so I suggested a calmer environment to reunite. He never responded to that text.

About a month later, I was the one who reached back out because I got my AncestryDNA results in and had some general questions. Long story short, I fear that I might have accidentally implied that I didn’t believe he was actually my bio dad (which wasn’t what I meant at all; I know it’s definitely him). That conversation faded out pretty quick.

At the same time, things became really complicated with my bio mom. She revealed to me that my bio dad is a huge trigger for her, and she disappeared and asked for space after I casually mentioned his name. That was a little frustrating for me, because when I first got in contact with her, I straight up asked her if talking about him was off-limits. She never gave me a yes-or-no answer to that, so I assumed that it was fine. I didn’t realize how painful that subject was for her because she gave me such a vague answer, even mentioning that she was happy I found him.

So, that kinda left me feeling guilty about wanting to reach back out to him.

Yesterday I finally decided that it’d be worth reaching back out to my bio dad. I basically explained to him that I had been overwhelmed trying to process so much new information, and that my door was still open if he ever wanted to get to know each other more. I also emphasized that there was no pressure and that I understood if he already had a lot on his plate.

It’s been about a day without response. I know that’s objectively not very long, but I’ve seen him active on Facebook, so my anxious brain is spiraling. When we first got in contact, he’d reply to my texts almost immediately.

The contrast between his initial excitement (“it’s always been a dream of mine to meet you”) and the repeated silence from him is really messing with my head.

Has anyone else reconnected with a bio parent who seemed very enthusiastic at first but then became inconsistent and disappeared?