where do we go from here? (F26 + NB28 queer couple)
my partner (NB, queer, 28) and i (F, lesbian, 26) have been together since 2020 and have been going on about six years. We literally started talking a few weeks before the COVID-19 shutdowns and officially entered a relationship in May of that year.
a few months ago, my partner got an amazing work opportunity, but the turnaround time for the amount of work needed was insane. their family was pretty unsupported (as they have been my partner's entire life), and there was a lot of extra pressure to succeed and make this work. our time together was pretty limited as our schedule never quite lined up and our conversations weren't as affectionate or long-lasting (a lot of good mornings, sorry i was doing xyz, and i miss yous). i asked to see them before the work opportunity since they'd be traveling for the event, only if they could find the time.
that date was a little stressful and awkward at the start because it was much earlier than either of us was used to, and my partner had a tremendous amount of stress, but after breakfast and a movie, things felt back to normal. we parked in front of my house and started making out a little bit since it had been so long since we'd been intimate, and both of us live with our families. (NSFW AHEAD) >!partway through, their hand started to wander under my skirt and touch me a little bit. everything was feeling good, and i was into them touching me, but i'm someone who takes a while to orgasm, always have. at the time, though, i had been having an even harder time finishing even in my masturbation sessions.!< we had stopped kissing while they were touching me and i leaned over and asked for a kiss which would have meant they would have to stop touching me in the position they were in. my partner asked i wanted them to stop touching me and i said yes, they did and we continue to make out and feel each other up for the rest of the time until they had to leave. i was pretty satisfied with our date and the intimacy we engaged in, even if i didn't finish.
Later that night, my partner asked if i was into them touching me. i explained i was, but i didn't want to wait around for me to be able to orgasm; rather, I wanted to keep making out and having them feel me up. i explained that i had a difficult time finishing recently and didn't want to wait as long as it would've taken to finish. they asked if i was faking my reactions/moans, and i told them no because i wasn't, i just wanted to make out over being touched. they then started to spiral about them forcing me to do things i didn't want to, and they felt bad they were touching me when i didn't want it. i reassured them that i wasn't forced and that while i liked what they were doing i knew i wasn't going to finish and rathered us spend that time making out.
my partner has always been a little sensitive about our sex life since they were completely a virgin when we met, and i have had a few partners in the past that i did have sex with. i feel like they put a lot of pressure on themselves to be the "best" partner i've had, even when i assure them that they already are, since i actually enjoy re-learning what sex could be like for us in our relationship (i've had bad experiences with partners in the past). i told them that maybe we should put a pause in our intimacy until we can figure out a time/space to comfortably explore again, and not rush through intimacy. i'm almost certain they took this as me saying "i don't want to have sex with you because you did something bad". i told them repeatedly that i always felt safe during sex and that i never felt like i couldn't say no or stop them. i know as a transmasculine person, they worry a lot about being aggressive or too rough, but i have never felt that from them.
since then, we've had almost no intimate contact or conversation. we've made out one other time since, and it was a little awkward since they were so worried about touching me in any way. another time, they initiated a sexting conversation, but when i began to reciprocate, they told me that they didn't want to anymore since i put a pause on our intimacy. i told them i only meant to pause our physical intimacy so as not to put pressure around our time together, but they were adamant that i was "changing the rules on them without considering their feelings". i apologized for not having a conversation about what the pause meant or the specific boundaries, i asked what they would like to do, and they told me "no intimacy means no intimacy," meaning no sexting or intimate contact until we have another conversation about incorporating it back in.
my partner has had an extremely difficult time with this. this "pause" has shattered any kind of sense of security they had in our relationship. i understand change is hard for them to deal with, but they ask me if i only see them as a friend now or they can tell i'm not attracted to them anymore, which isn't true at all. this led to a whole other argument about me not reassuring them enough that i'm attracted to them and desire them the way they desire me. my partner has said that i don't seem affected by the lack of intimacy or intimate conversation, which again isn't true, and i tell them as much often.
i asked them if the ways i thought i was reassuring weren't working and how they'd like me to give it going forward. this spiraled into another tense conversation about how i don't listen, they've already told me in the past, and they shouldn't have to tell me at this point. i was hurt by this because they've praised me in the past for being so good at getting them out of their head with my assurance and affirmation. i apologized profusely and said that i would internalize it this time, but i can't change what i've been doing without some guidance because i thought i've been doing what they needed. they told me that i only do/say the things i want as reassurance, but not what they need (i.e. i miss you, i want to build a future with you, i wish you were here). i was really taken aback in this conversation because i thought those things would give them the reassurance that i was still attracted to them and wanted to be with them.
my partner said that i don't consider them as often as i should, while they're always thinking about me and considering me, and that they worked through a lot of their issues to make me happy. i didn't think that was fair, as we had discussed my dedication to the relationship, getting help for my issues, and my consideration for their well-being/circumstances and our relationship, but i understood our perspectives were different. i have said on so many occasions that i did not want to leave them, i was in love with them, and throughly attracted to them.
they told me that the date on which the intimacy incident happened, they sacrificed a lot of time to make that date happen, and they were upset that i still asked them to pick where we had breakfast, knowing how much stress they were under. my partner told me they felt added pressure from me to rearrange time to see me because it would make me happy, even when i said it was okay if they couldn't. they told me they needed me to show up for them and be more proactive that day and not complain about little things like not knowing where to eat or that the seats in the theater were different than i liked. i apologized for not understanding the stress they were under with the event/work. i told them that in the future i would be more proactive, plan dates to take stress off of them, and be mindful of how much i'm asking from them.
everything seemed okay for a bit, but there has been some obvious distance from them in recent weeks. i tried my best not to internalize their standoffishness. i know they're feeling sensitive about the culmination of everything that happened within a month or so. i didn't appreciate the way they wouldn't reciprocate compliments or affectionate baby talk, they never really reacted to the things i shared that were making me excited (i.e. books, fixing up my room). admittedly, i started to feel insecure.
i went on a girl's trip with some friends, and my partner facetimed me after a work event, which they never do, so i was happily surprised with how gloomy things had felt. the conversation was light and fun. i could tell they were in a fantastic mood, considering the event went so well. we even texted about kissing and lapsitting after we hung up, and things felt like they were on the right track. before my trip, they expressed that they're too emotional to see me any time soon and i understood that their comfort had to go above my own in the situation. i felt like things were finally coming together.
well, our six year anniversary passed yesterday and all i got was a "happy anniversary, (nickname) :)" after i told them i love them and hoped they had a good day since we were not seeing each other and they made plans with family later that afternoon. we texted intermittently about nothing at all really until the evening when they were busy. i received texts at midnight about how sorry they were for ruining our anniversary and that they feel awful. i assured them we were okay, but that i was sad the day didn't go how i pictured.
this morning has devolved into a series of texts and a phone call that left me feeling void. i'm at a loss on what to do. i can add screenshots of our texts if that helps.
is this even salvageable? can we genuinely move on from here?