Rambling
I've posted something similar before but I genuinely don't know how people do it. I'm watching BBQ Brawl and one of the ladies is talking about having a practice husband but now she's married again and thriving. I wondered how she did it. When I met my ex-husband, I was a nerdy 16-year-old girl who hid in the library and he was the popular boy who knew everyone. I feel like after we got divorced I am back to being that nerdy 16-year-old girl even though I'm 34 (we've been divorced for 2 years). I'm still shy, awkward, and never think anyone is into me and then when I finally do think someone might like me they only see me as a friend 😅. Everything is confusing and I recently decided to take a break from socializing because I'm tired of the confusion. It hurts because my ex has a whole new life. A new family etc and I'm frozen in time even though I want a partner. I want to hug someone when I've had a bad day and finally be soft. I want to sit on their lap and say, "I'm a tick and you're a dog's butt 😊." I want to be with someone who is kind to me and has daddy qualities (which I know sounds weird but I can be babyish sometimes and it is very annoying to certain men). I feel lost and alone but also painfully aware of the type of person I actually want to be with. The only thing is these types are typically married so here I am just wandering through life and trying to make the most of it. I've been training at a bodybuilding gym (but I'm a scaredy squishmallow so I sneak in early when no one's there and sneak out), I want to start archery soon even though I'm not very good at it, I have learned how to bake for one, and I'm getting used to going out alone. It's not all bad but when I watched the dinosaur documentary I wished I could have shared it with someone. Maybe even bake dinosaur cookies for the occasion. Thanks for reading this ramble. I appreciate it and hope you all are doing okay.