Trigger Warning: Discussion of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), harm to others, substance use, and suicidal ideation.

Hey everyone,

I’m a guy from Delhi, India, and I’m posting this because I am completely exhausted. I'm caught in endless fear loops, fighting my past, and I just need to get this out. My life has been a chaotic chain of trauma, neglect, and coping mechanisms that have broken my mind. I need to make sense of it.

Childhood Neglect and Vulnerability

I was born into a middle-class Bihari family in Delhi. Growing up, my dad was always out building a business, and my mom worked herself to the bone trying to keep the peace until she became severely sick and bedridden. Because of the environment, my parents labeled me as angry and jealous by age 4, which I never really believed.

I did get into fights, but after losing a few, my mom told me fighting was bad. I internalized that, stopped defending myself, and became a target for bullying. Around this time, my front tooth was broken in a school fight. My parents neglected to fix it. The bullying worsened, and even today, that broken tooth stops me from wanting to smile.

The Trauma and Hyper-vigilance

When I was 9, an older, bigger cousin bullied me, forced me into a washroom, and assaulted me. I completely froze and surrendered just so he would leave me alone. The next day, he did it again. Because of the severe neglect at home, I didn't know how to speak up or process what was happening.

By the time I was 13, I experienced my first heartbreak. When that girl left, I started smoking, watching increasingly hardcore porn, and experimenting sexually with myself, which left me feeling nothing but intense disgust and shame. In that state of confusion and warped boundaries, I also engaged in a confusing sexual experimentation with a younger female cousin (she was 9, I was 13)—an action that heavily contributes to the guilt I carry today.

From that point on, my nervous system went into permanent hyper-vigilance. I turned to weed, my grades slipped, and my hairline started receding from smoking so early. I went through life on autopilot, chasing extreme thrills like fast driving and late nights to cope with suppressed anger.

Health Crises and the "Lala Company"

During college, another girl called me a fraud after a few weeks, making me resign from love entirely. Then COVID-19 hit. My lifestyle deteriorated, and when my mom was hospitalized, my body finally broke down. My blood sugar hit 360, and I was officially diagnosed as diabetic.

Realizing I needed to do something, I eventually joined my dad’s dysfunctional business (a typical "Lala Company" setup). I tried to fix the operational issues, but severe depression and poor health made it nearly impossible to get anything done. The autopilot continued.

Relationships and the Internalized Fear

Recently, I met a woman who felt like everything I ever wanted. But when she opened up sexually over the phone while I was driving, the old shame hit me like a wall and I froze. The next day, she asked if I was gay. I laughed it off and told her how much I loved her, but she sensed my deep-seated issues and eventually left. When I tried calling her from a different number to explain that I had severe trauma and was seeking therapy, she told me to leave her alone.

That triggered a massive spiral over the last month.

The Present: Fighting for Hope

Lately, I’ve been trying everything to fix myself: crying, somatic work, EMDR, free therapy, reading Stoicism and Atomic Habits, trying to quit smoking, and trying to wake up on time. After weeks of agony, I’ve finally started making a fragile peace with my past.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts, but I will never act on them because I refuse to make my mother see her dead son.

But my exhausted brain still traps me in fear loops. Because of my freezing responses and sexual confusion, I’ve become entirely hyper-fixated on the fear that I might be gay, even though I know I am only attracted to women and simply feel fear around men. The loop tells me: “You will never be able to love a woman truly because you are aware of the evil the past did to you, and the evil actions you took.”

I am just a guy who wanted a normal life, who wanted to love a beautiful woman and give her my world. I am so tired of pushing people away because I am terrified of myself. The hope is barely surviving right now, but it's still there.

Has anyone else survived this kind of deep-seated trauma and rewritten their self-belief? How do you stop hating yourself for the past?