u/Antique-Friendship53

I used to really struggle with understanding how to validate people.

I don't anymore, because I have intuition for that now.

But I used to use a rule like:

85% of the time:

If someone is describing a negative experience reply with "that sucks"

If it's a positive thing they are describing respond with "that's awesome! "

The other 15% is when someone wants advice or criticism, I could never tell that unless I explicitly or was told.

Has anyone else here worked on this?

The irony and synchronity is very amusing to me!

I was highly alexithymic for most of my life. Like many people who struggle to identify their emotions, I assumed I was on the autism spectrum. Because I could generally get by in the world, I never bothered trying to get an official diagnosis.

That all changed after I underwent surgery to remove my giant tonsils and a damaged uvula (the dangly thing in the back of the throat). They were causing extremely severe sleep apnea, completely wrecking my sleep quality.

Once I recovered from the surgery, everything began to shift. Specifically, I began to shift.

I discovered that I actually possess emotional empathy, not just cognitive empathy. Previously, I could only intellectually put myself in someone else's shoes to approximate what they must be feeling. Now, I can look at a person and—without any external context—literally feel a reflection of their emotions inside myself.

The emotional recovery process was an absolute roller coaster. It felt like my old identity was dying. The self I used to describe as functional and logical completely fell away. I didn’t understand why I was morphing into a completely different person, and neither did the people around me (though my partner at the time was thrilled that I was finally capable of deep emotional connection).

For about 18 months, I started drinking, and I would sit alone and cry every single night. I was processing a lifetime of suppressed loss that I previously never had access to. Strangely, I had a big, stupid grin on my face through the tears because I was just so profoundly grateful to finally feel sad for the things I had missed and lost.

As my awareness grew, I started weeding out the bad actors in my life. I realized I had accumulated a disproportionately large number of them. I suspect many people here with alexithymia might recognize this pattern. We are unusually easy prey for manipulative people. When you can't feel your own emotions, it is incredibly easy for others to gaslight you. There is already so much day-to-day confusion in your emotional space that when a "friend" claims you just don't understand, you simply believe them.

I won't write a novel here, but I wanted to share this because I realize I’m in a unique position. Having lived on both sides of the river, I now understand what it's like to be completely cut off from emotions, and what it's like to suddenly feel everything.

If you are curious about the transition, the surgery, or anything else, please ask away!