Cut contact with mum
Hi this is a bit of a confusing one so I’ll try not to let it drag to much. I’m (F23) and my mum (F57) haven’t spoken in two years. For context she kicked me out when I was 19, she bipolar and is addicted to pain medications like morphine. Growing up she was always a very complicated person to navigate. She would cry to me as a child about how bad my dad was to her and how they were only together because of me but it made her miserable. My dad completely isolated himself and stayed in the living room in front of a tv, and looking back I understand more now. She never like that me and my dad were closer and had more in common and she could never relate to us or me. She was always someone who needed attention. When I was 12 she told she had cancer and sent me to school, she never had cancer. When I was 9 she fell and cut her head and made me go to her brother to put a plaster on her head and make it look like fake stitches so my dad would think we went to the hospital. Growing up the only times I seen them speak to eachother was when they were yelling. She would keep me up late on school nights because she was lonely and some nights I would go without dinner because she would be asleep. Eventually when I was 10 my dad left and moved in with my gran because living with my mum was too much for him, and now I would do the same. I lived with my mum until I was 19 and during that time she gave me no privacy she would come into the bathroom when I was showering and I wasn’t allowed to lock the door. I only saw my dad one night a week and if I wanted to see him more she would scream at me that I didn’t love her. As a teenager I struggled a lot with self harm and suicidal thoughts and she always said that my life wasn’t as bad as hers and I didn’t have a reason to do the things I did. She would weigh me and sometimes my friends and write down if we put weight on or not. She always seemed to get pleasure out of me putting weight on but would always tell me I didn’t want to end up like my dad and his family (they’re heavier). When I was in college I was on placement 4 days a week and worked 3 days a week at the airport so I was constantly exhausted and was really depressed I just wanted to sleep most days she would always come into my room and scream at me that I was lazy. She always wanted me to leave my job but I needed the money and my pay check mostly went to her because she never worked. After some time I had an online consultation with a psychiatrist and she listened to the whole thing on the other side of my door. She told everyone that I was saying she weighed me and she didn’t see an issue with it and how I was making her look bad. We got in an argument about it and she went to her room leaned over her bed and put pain patches on her arms and said she cut her wrists and it was my fault. In that moment I couldn’t keep doing it I grabbed a bag kissed her in the head and said I would see her the next day after college and that I neeed away from everything for the night. I walked to a friends house and she kept phoning me crying and screaming at me about how I was selfish and leaving her and how she let me do whatever I wanted. The next day my gran kicked me up from college with a big text from her about how I wasn’t allowed back in her house because I was just a bully who told lies about her. She left a bag on the door step and I didn’t go back. At first after a while I decided to have some kind of relationship with her after she kept gas lighting me that I was my fault that everything happened and not hers. For a couple of years I tried but it always made me so uncomfortable and my mental health was at an all time low when everything first happened I had 3 failed suicide attempts, I was heavily drinking all the time I was smoking more which I started at 14 and eventually I started taking drugs on nights out just to feel normal. Having my mum in my life just didn’t feel worth it. I always felt like I was being someone I wasn’t just to keep her happy. I went on a holiday with her and after that I just stopped speaking to her I ignored all her texts, her calls everything and during this time her family never spoke to me so I had no reason to talk to them. I get texts every so often that she’s in hospital but with her track record I never know when to really believe it’s that serious. I got a text from her friend today that she’s in hospital with internal bleeding and if she’s dying I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. She always has something wrong in may that’s when she kicked me out, it’s when she was in hospital last year and again this year. I just need advice because I know to some people in the daughter who left her disabled bipolar mum but I never wanted that for my life to just care for her, which is what she always wanted, but it’s just to much. So I guess I’m asking strangers on the internet for any advice on how to move forward.