r/raisedbytoxicparents

My mother is driving me insane. She calls me a bad daughter and tries to get me in trouble for literally ANYTHING. For context, I suspect her of having NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). the reason why I say suspect and not that she has it because she’s not diagnosed. I don’t think she ever will be because her ego is SO huge. My grandma has been at my house for like a week now and she hasn’t been helping my case. I suspect her of having NPD as well. My mom literally calls me a bad daughter for reading, painting, etc. Apparently my behavior is bad but all I’m doing is standing up for myself because what do you mean Im a bad daughter for actually having human interests and not some maid and nanny? Earlier I got in trouble for being like 15 feet to 20 feet away from my grandma. For context, my grandma has high blood pressure and diabetes. Bro I’m literally not even far away. My mom also loves to use DARVO on me like every single day and it’s genuinely making me so mad. I get manipulated every day and I can’t even stop it. She literally got mad at me for wanting to stay home so I can finish my plans and said “oh I’m gonna marry you to a Taliban man (cause I’m from Afghanistan) if you keep this up blah blah blah”. IM SO DONE. OH MY GOD. I CANT ACT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING WITH HER AROUND. The principal found out I was suicidal and called my mom in 2 weeks before school ended. Its been almost a month since then now. The principal told her about my situation and then on the way home she made it about herself. “Oh how can you be tired like you’re just a kid!!” bro there is no age limit to mental health issues?? My mom didn’t understand that the talk was about me planning it because English isn’t her first language. My situation is so bad (according to my principal but I don’t think so because my friends deal with worse shit) to the point that I have to meet up with the principal during the summer a few times for a check in/vent.

Sorry I’m not really sure where to post this but yeah, I’m a new lawyer practicing family law. I genuinely care about children’s best interests, and I feel very uncomfortable working on cases where our client is abusive. As a junior lawyer, though, I obviously don’t get to choose my files yet.

Unfortunately, I’d say that around 90% of my caseload involves a parent being abusive (verbally, emotionally, or physically) toward the other parent and/or the children.

Many of these parents do seem to love their children in some way. However, in a lot of cases, that love is conditional or expressed in a very self-centered manner.

I frequently come across the stereotypical “every-other-weekend dad” who has the children every second weekend and is already in a new relationship within six months of the separation (not even the divorce).

As sad as it is to say, step mothers can have a huge impact on a child’s well-being. When a stable stepmother is involved, some of these fathers seem more capable of maintaining a positive relationship with their children. When the relationship ends, the children often end up dealing with the fallout (anger, neglect, inconsistency, etc.)

One case in particular has stuck with me. One parent had hit the children a few times over the years and had a history of violence toward romantic partners. The physical incidents involving the children were relatively infrequent (perhaps less than once every couple of years and we aren’t talking bruise leaving violence). This parent was prone to anger, but when things were good, they were real good. You guys know the pattern of a very charming man who is also manipulative and prone to violence. One of the children wanted shared custody.

Maybe 80% of that child’s interactions with the parent were positive, especially because they only spent limited amounts of time together each week. The child retained many good memories of the relationship. That said, I’m not dismissing the possibility that the parent still caused harm, that is more hidden, through things like guilt-tripping, emotional manipulation, for example.

Obviously, every case is different. Still, reading judgments and seeing how willing courts often are to give additional chances to parents who have engaged in reprehensible conduct, whether it’s verbal abuse toward their child, domestic violence, addiction) sometimes feels almost mechanical to me.

I’m highly interested in psychology, particularly child development, and I’m well aware of how abuse can shape a person. What I wonder is this:
For those who grew up with a problematic parent, was having that parent in your life worth it? Looking back, would you have been better off with very limited contact? I’m trying to have the grown ups that were these kids in my caseloads.

Thank you.