u/Connect-Tailor-2280

okay so my birthday is soon. I'm gonna turn 15 in about 2 and a half weeks. I just feel so over everything, plus my anger and sadness are devouring me. I've been depressed since I was 8 or 9 I'm pretty sure. I can't exactly remember when because I have dissociated in most of my life, including now. Today I went to the pool and tried to see how many seconds I could be underwater. It was 11 seconds. I just felt this wave of sadness after I came out. Those seconds in the pool felt like I was slowly dying in a bathtub. Maybe I'm selfish for this but I want to attempt. I want to live. But oh I crave death so much as well. I'm not looking forward to dying but I guess I just wanna see how it feels. It sounds pretty ridiculous but I'm genuinely losing myself everyday. All of my friends know me as this goofy and smiley kid. But I haven't actually smiled or laughed ever since summer started. My narcisstic parents are always fighting each other and then the consequences of their own actions land on me and my siblings.

okay so my birthday is soon. I'm gonna turn 15 in about 2 and a half weeks. I just feel so over everything, plus my anger and sadness are devouring me. I've been depressed since I was 8 or 9 I'm pretty sure. I can't exactly remember when because I have dissociated in most of my life, including now. Today I went to the pool and tried to see how many seconds I could be underwater. It was 11 seconds. I just felt this wave of sadness after I came out. Those seconds in the pool felt like I was slowly dying in a bathtub. Maybe I'm selfish for this but I want to attempt. I want to live. But oh I crave death so much as well. I'm not looking forward to dying but I guess I just wanna see how it feels. It sounds pretty ridiculous but I'm genuinely losing myself everyday. All of my friends know me as this goofy and smiley kid. But I haven't actually smiled or laughed ever since summer started. My narcisstic parents are always fighting each other and then the consequences of their own actions land on me and my siblings.

My mother is driving me insane. She calls me a bad daughter and tries to get me in trouble for literally ANYTHING. For context, I suspect her of having NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). the reason why I say suspect and not that she has it because she’s not diagnosed. I don’t think she ever will be because her ego is SO huge. My grandma has been at my house for like a week now and she hasn’t been helping my case. I suspect her of having NPD as well. My mom literally calls me a bad daughter for reading, painting, etc. Apparently my behavior is bad but all I’m doing is standing up for myself because what do you mean Im a bad daughter for actually having human interests and not some maid and nanny? Earlier I got in trouble for being like 15 feet to 20 feet away from my grandma. For context, my grandma has high blood pressure and diabetes. Bro I’m literally not even far away. My mom also loves to use DARVO on me like every single day and it’s genuinely making me so mad. I get manipulated every day and I can’t even stop it. She literally got mad at me for wanting to stay home so I can finish my plans and said “oh I’m gonna marry you to a Taliban man (cause I’m from Afghanistan) if you keep this up blah blah blah”. IM SO DONE. OH MY GOD. I CANT ACT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING WITH HER AROUND. The principal found out I was suicidal and called my mom in 2 weeks before school ended. Its been almost a month since then now. The principal told her about my situation and then on the way home she made it about herself. “Oh how can you be tired like you’re just a kid!!” bro there is no age limit to mental health issues?? My mom didn’t understand that the talk was about me planning it because English isn’t her first language. My situation is so bad (according to my principal but I don’t think so because my friends deal with worse shit) to the point that I have to meet up with the principal during the summer a few times for a check in/vent.

I've always had empathy for my parents until February of 2026. I found out that their actions completely aligned with narcisstic traits. I obviously cannot diagnose them and they are not willing to go to therapy either. I quite literally could not walk for multiple hours after I found out because I was shaking so bad. My nervous system depleted that day. I felt like a shameful eldest daughter before I found out because of their manipulation. It's still hard to identify manipulation now because I deal with it 24/7. After that day, I lost empathy for my parents. They are going through a hard time but it doesn't excuse the fact they have abused me in every single form (sexual, physical, verbal, etc). I started setting up boundaries and they're going bonkers. For example, I was going to workout and paint yesterday until my mom told me that we are going to the mall. I didn't want to go to the mall. I'm not buying anything there nor is she even going to focus on me there. She starts lashing out and saying I'm such a disrespectful daughter. I literally just want to finish my plans (p.s I didn't get to because I was forced to go). I yelled at her like "mom I have stuff to do!!" I went anyway because I would've been slapped or worse if I didn't get out of the house. On the way there, my grandma and mother are lashing out at me at the same time. They basically kept saying how I'm too much in different phrases. My mom eventually said that "If you don't stop, I swear I'm gonna send you back to Afghanistan (because I'm from there) and marry you to an old taliban man". She's said this a few time already now so.

I have many things I need to be diagnosed with, but my mother does not believe in illnesses or ignores it. For example, I had symptoms of a heart attack at school and my mom just said it was from a fever. I searched it up and it’s possible to have some chest pain from a fever, but it was not what I was having. The symptoms were so bad that the principal had to get involved. Because of the law, they couldn’t do anything. They recommended me to go to the doctors, but my mother refuses to. I also have symptoms of multiple disorders, but she doesn’t care. I have symptoms of low iron and it’s really taking an impact on my physical health, but she doesn’t care. She says “you don’t have it” before I even have time to explain myself. My father is emotionally absent to the point where he doesn’t know when my birthday is. I’ve been having really bad suicidal thoughts for a year now. I’ve planned it out incase I ever want to do it.

My mother hasn’t been diagnosed with NPD and I don’t think she ever will be because she believes that she’s perfect. So I was sleeping naked because I wanted to (mind you the blanket is all the way up so no one can see my body) and she starts whipping me with a charger in my sleep. I obviously wake up and I’m so confused. She thinks I was doing something bad because I fell asleep to a movie on my computer. That makes no sense what. She kept whipping me and just beating me. Now I have some bruises. Then she went and attacked my brother because his privates were itching. He didn’t even do anything bad. He just stated that his privates hurt cause he’s 11 and doesn’t understand. Then she went and terrorized my 7 year old brother and just slapped him. My 7 year old brother did absolutely nothing wrong? We were all asleep until she came and attacked us. I am so confused.