u/Antique_Cabinet_9482

For years I wondered, how does everyone identify me as the target to pick on, out of all the people around me in any place or group in any town or country I go to. Even when I'm not being harassed, or alienated or laughed at, whenever I've interacted with workers who have to behave in a professional manner, like older doctors, cashiers and teachers, they always talk to me like I'm a child and people in general just never take me seriously. I wondered why teachers in primary school were more polite to me than to others and why I was getting taken out of class to do some painting or drawing.

I always knew that my body and facial language, mannerisms, social skills and voice screamed autism but I've always kept to myself, I never speak unless I'm spoken to, etc. I've always wondered how I really appear from the unbiased and subconscious point of view of any person within my vicinity.

Well I've went through footage on my camera of myself walking out of and into my house and my week has already been ruined. I don't even know how to describe it, but the way I walk is so unnatural, clumsy, uncoordinated, robotic, I don't even walk like a human at all. I can spot a fellow autistic person in public from the way that they look and walk but in my case it's even more extreme. My posture and arms are stiff, I turn my head and swing my body and feet too swiftly and robotically, sometimes it even resembles twisting or when I turn around abruptly, my legs may cross each other while standing. When I walk, my feet appear fall into the ground and stomp it, and my whole body language in general looks very disgruntled yet unbothered at the same time.

The way I walk, turn, stand, sit, react, do things etc look very rushed and just extremely weird in general, I can't believe I ever thought that I could actually mask and fit in with society, it has been confirmed that I absolutely do not belong in society. Whenever I see another person in public exhibiting similar issues, my heart not only breaks for them, but also because it reminds me of how I am seen by others.

Does anybody here have to go through this as well? I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy but I often feel like not many people if any can relate to this.

My autism is just one of the many reasons why I've spent my whole life facing all sorts of exclusion, bullying, harassment, difficulty with tasks and processing, you name it. In every school I've been in, I've been immediately singled out and condemned to daily verbal bullying by the people there. It wasn't just the stereotypical "bullies" and popular kids that did this to me, it was also quiet people, people who were friendly to everyone else, well-respected and well-regarded people, people from different years who I didn't know who somehow knew my full name.

It didn't end when school was over. Classmates will see me on the street and scream at me and ask awkward questions. Strangers will say passive aggresive comments to my face or laugh at me while I'm literally just walking. And even if I'm not getting harassed directly to my face, I still get stared at, ignored and left alone in public places but the other strangers next to me will be happily greeted, they will have a nice conversation and receive help if they need it.

Why not make friends online then? Well, I've tried, but even online I get ignored, and often insulted or disagreed with, my autism even permeates through how I type and respond. I can't even be bothered to go much deeper into this but knowing that nobody will ever like me has made me realise that any further attempt at forming any sort of social connection or participating in any social event would be nothing short of a humiliation ritual with how out of my depth I am and always will be in this regard.

In a way I consider myself a bit lucky that I've naturally always had a very low social battery and desire to be around any people, yes a lot of this is down to anxiety, but that anxiety is there for a reason and for me it serves as a bit of a survival instinct. Now I just sit at home all day, rarely go outside unless it's for a longer trip, and I receive benefits so I am able to live like this for the unforseeable.