u/Antique_Impress6786

This is gonna be a long one. So I (17f) was supposed to go to a concert with my boyfriend (19m) and the first time we saw the poster for the concert, about 2 months before, I told my mom about it. I’m sure I did tell her then, because we had a full conversation about the artist. I’m also pretty sure i told her again when we bought the tickets.

A week before the concert, my mom asked me if my bf was gonna pick me up/drop me home and i said i don’t know and i’ll ask. She then proceeded to say he absolutely has to and if he doesn’t i’m not allowed to go, which is fair. (background info: she always complains whenever he can’t pick me up or drive me home and she sometimes uses it as an opportunity to compare him to her exes. I don’t know how old the exes were, but my bf still lives with his parents, is in university, and is not financially independent. I also don’t expect him to drop everything just to pick me up, as I’ve always been capable of just taking a cab)

When I asked him about it, he said he probably can’t because it’s really far. First of all, we already live an hour away from each other (around 20km), and the concert hall is another hour away from my house (21km) so if he did drive me there and back it would be and hour to my place, an hour to the concert, an hour back to my place, and an hour back to his place. Plus, his mom definitely wouldn’t let him. And I completely understood cause honestly i’d feel bad if he had to drive that far for me when I could call a cab or have my mom drive me.

This is probably where I messed up. I was scared to tell my mom cause i knew she wouldn’t react well and i think putting it off made the situation worse. I didn’t wanna bring up it so I was waiting for her to ask me again but she never did.

I ended up telling her the day before the concert. It went something like: I told her, she asked why and i said he had somewhere to go in the morning (which is true) and his mom probably wouldn’t let him drive that far (also i’ve never met or talked to his mom and we’ve only been dating for 3 months so i think it’s valid that his mom wouldn’t be comfortable with that) I also get that my mom being upset about the situation is valid.

She wouldn’t accept the reasons I gave her so i just said that his mom would worry about him, she followed by saying “well what about your mom being worried about you?” I told her i know she’s worried but I can’t do anything about it. Then, she used her exes as an example again and she said it doesn’t matter how far it is if he loves me he has to find a way. I told bf that my mom was upset and also didn’t know what to do. He’s not an adult with freedom, he’s still in the care of his parents and I think his mom not letting him drive super long distances for me is a completely valid reason. He ended up sending a long message to my mom explaining his situation. I did not have a good feeling about that, as my mom has never reacted well to “here’s my logic” messages. Spoiler, I was right.

She read the message but didn’t answer, so then i spoke to her again, told her the exact same things cause that’s really all there is to it there’s nothing else to say, and when I mentioned his mom not allowing him to drive me again
she asked if it’s true or if he was just using his mom as an excuse. Where. Did. That. Come. From??????????

She then asked if his mom knew i was just a young girl and i said yeah and she said “so his mom would let you go home alone? that means she doesn’t approve of you” That stung lol. She basically said bf’s mom isn’t okay with me being with her son and it really hurt. I don’t even know how the conversation got here. It could’ve just ended at “I’m not comfortable with this, you are not going” and yeah I would’ve been bummed out but I wouldn’t go if she didn’t want me to. I’ve never gone anywhere without her permission, and it would’ve been my fault for not telling her sooner anyway.

I told bf what mom said and he got really angry because of what was said about his mom. He was already pretty upset because of what was happening but I guess this was the last straw for him.

Later, I received a bunch of messages from my mom that just left me in disbelief. Here’s what she said (translated into english)

He didn’t even ask for my permission
You told me after you already bought the tickets
He should’ve thought about transportation beforehand (valid, he admitted he was at fault here)
Now he’s trying to throw the responsibility to you and me just because he’s worried about his mom? Well what about your mom? Am I not worried about you?
I don’t know what the real reason is but if it’s the reason he gave me I can’t accept it. He cares about his mom’s feelings but doesn’t he care about you? If he really cared he would find a way. It’s funny, I’ve never met anyone like this, letting his gf go home alone. Not a gentleman.
He’s so good at obeying his mom, so you should obey your mom too. You can’t go. Such a red flag. I read his message, I have nothing to say. Tell him that he can be with you when his mom doesn’t have a problem with you, so we won’t have issues.

I went to shower in utter disbelief then bf called me sobbing. He was sort of having an emotional breakdown because he felt like he was stuck and there was nothing he could do to make everything better. I sympathized with him so hard, as I’ve always felt this exact same way whenever I argue with my mom. When he calmed down, he was just really angry. He ended up saying a lot of things about my mom and I laughed along because to be honest, I was relieved that someone was voicing what I’ve been feeling all my life. I know it’s not an excuse though, we were still talking about my mom behind her back. Wellllll she overheard our conversation.

She told me to break up with him. She asked me how I expected to be in a relationship with someone my mother was not okay with. I kinda shut down and I couldn’t get anything out. It felt like I had to choose between them. I went to bed and immediately started bawling and I told my bf what happened. He texted my mom once again, apologizing and asking my mom to try to understand his side.

The next morning, mom sent me more messages saying things like
No matter what I say I’ll always be in the wrong to you because you’re so passionately in love. If he truly loved you he wouldn’t cause you to have problems with your family. To be honest, he’s quite mature. He can explain things and try to be logic but his logic is self biased.

During breakfast, she accused bf of being a narcissist and said he was gaslighting me. She sent me videos about the signs of a narcissist/ signs you’re being gaslighted. (Honestly the traits are more of a match for her)
She told me to stop talking to him for a while because if I keep talking to him I’m gonna tell him everything my mom does and he’s gonna feed me his opinion and I’m gonna believe him more than my mom because I already have something against her.

The most unbelievable thing she did though, was sending me screenshots of all her friends’ opinions (all siding with her.

The whole time I was switching between “my mom is being irrational” and “what if I’m crazy”
I can’t stop questioning myself and I’ve been constantly finding arguments to contradict myself and arguments to contradict those arguments, trying to find flaws in my reasoning, just to be sure that I am logical and sane. I honestly don’t know if I can trust my own thoughts. I think the older I get the more trust I lose in myself. I keep replaying everything and I just don’t know I’m a crazy teenager that’s in one of those “I hate my mom” phases or if what I’m feeling actually makes sense. I could really use some outside perspective here. Thank you for reading.

(Sorry in advance if the writing is all over the place and a bit confusing)

I (17f) recently went on a trip to another country with my mom (50f) and my grandma. Now, this trip was supposed to be a chance for me to see my long-distance best friend, but every since we started planning this trip, my mom had been more focused on planning activities that she wanted to do(typical tourist stuff.) She loves planning, and I understand that sight-seeing/tourist destinations are what you’re supposed to do when you travel, but her plans left me little to no time to spend with my friend alone. I was a kinda annoyed because it felt like this trip was now about what she wanted to do, but I understood that I wasn’t the only one going on this trip. In the end, I did get to spend time with my friend, following my mom’s schedule, but we were together so that’s all that matters. I still wanted more alone time with her though, so she ended up staying over with us at our airbnb on the second night.

Here’s where things go very wrong. It’s day two: mom, grandma, friend, and I were all coming back from dinner with friend’s family. For a really long time, I’ve wanted to do my friend’s makeup, and we had both been really looking forward to it before the trip. My friend didn’t have many makeup products of her own so we wanted to buy some before we got back to the airbnb (at least get her personal brushes and sponges so she wouldn’t have to use mine.) My mom also wanted to stop by a convenience store not far from the airbnb so we thought we’d just look for some cosmetics there. Well, we didn’t find any so my friend looked up cosmetic stores and there was one two minutes away. I told my mom that we were going to a store that was really close by and we’d be right back. To emphasize the “close” part, I said “two minutes” which, in hindsight, I probably should’ve been more clear. I said it in our native language, and in my mind it made more sense, but now I realize that it wasn’t as clear as it should’ve been. Instead of “two minutes away,” my mom took it as “we’ll be back in two minutes.”

So I went to the store, following my friend who was using google maps. I wanna add that my friend doesn’t live in this area, hence why she needed the map, and I was obviously not using my head. In a country I had never been to before, I was completely following my friend’s lead. We bought what we needed from the store (took a lot longer than two minutes) then left. I’m not trying to use this as an excuse but I am really bad at directions. I did not pay attention to how we got to the store and I did not remember how to get back to where my mom was. As we walked, I was completely clueless and without worry. I assumed that my friend was taking me back to the convenient store but instead, she lead me back to the airbnb, and I didn’t realize where we were going until we were already there. I kind of panicked and took my phone out, and the second I did, I got a text from my mom asking where we were. (At this point, I wasn’t aware that she thought we were gonna be back in two minutes.) I told her we were at the airbnb and I was sorry. I thought it would be easier to tell her the situation later than to type everything out. And I won’t lie, I wasn’t too worried about defending myself and offering explanation. My relationship with my mom had been rough way before the trip, and I didn’t expect her to hear me out.
Let me just say I don’t blame my friend at all. She doesn’t my language so she didn’t understand a thing when I was telling my mom where we were going. The miscommunication part was fully on me.

When mom got back with grandma she was furious. Due to past experience and also not having the energy to defend myself, I kept the explanation simple and short. I also was not about to say my friend’s name. I think initially, all I said was that I didn’t know we were going back to the airbnb and if I knew I would’ve told mom. As expected, she didn’t hear me out. I, not wanting my friend’s name to be uncomfortable and also trying to preserve my peace, decided not to say anything further and shut the door to my room.

My mom was absolutely livid and she was fully convinced that I lied to her and made her and my grandma wait on purpose. The walls in our airbnb were super thin and I could hear her yelling and complaining to my grandma. She was saying things like, “she did it on purpose,” “how could she make adults wait like that,” “what’s the point of this trip if she’s gonna act like she’s here alone,” “I can’t even complain cause she’s gonna hate me,” “one minute she’s nice the next she’s cruel.”
I just had to listen to her yelling and screaming while I tried not to react or make my friend uncomfortable. She could hear everything, and even though she couldn’t understand, I could tell she was really uncomfortable.

Later, mom sent me a few messages and screenshots of my location history to prove that I lied? She said, and I quote:

“If you wanted to go home early just say so. Don't lie. I hate that you chose to lie. If you wanted to be with your friend or wanted to go back to talk on the phone with your boyfriend, just say so directly. Don't leave the adults waiting outside in the rain. That's very bad behavior. So bad. Liar.”

The boyfriend part is a whole different discussion but it’s another thing that she disapproves about me.

The next morning my grandma told me that I should’ve told them I was going back to the airbnb because she had to wait for me for a really long time. I told her that it was a misunderstanding, that my friend and I both misunderstood. I don’t know if she believed me, but no one brought it up for the rest of the trip.

We were also supposed to have breakfast with my friend’s mom but my mom texted her saying she wasn’t going anymore and she was very tired.

Later, my friend mentioned that she felt the way my grandma and mom act seems a little toxic.

So yeah, was I being an asshole daughter in any way? I feel really bad for kind of ruining the trip for everyone but at the same time, I know it was an honest mistake and I couldn’t have known it was going to happen. The only thing that I can say for sure I did wrong was not communicating clear enough- which caused the misunderstanding.

Was refusing to defend myself any further the right move? I felt like arguing back would only escalate things further, because it has happened before. But I don’t know, maybe I could’ve made things easier if I just gave in and yelled a little. Apart from how I handled it, I’d also like to know your opinions on how my mom handled the situation. I don’t think I have enough “expertise” to say this but sometimes, I can’t help but think she’s a little emotionally immature and quick to make assumptions which she always believes are right. Anyway, I’d appreciate any thoughts opinions. Thank you!

TLDR: I caused a misunderstanding but refused to engage after my mom didn’t believe my explanation and said a bunch of awful things about me. Should I have offered more explanation instead of allowing her to continue to believe that her assumptions were right even though I thought she probably wouldn’t have believed me anyway?