u/AntonWebernGrindcore

I get that feelings of missing out on the other gender in a committed long term relationship are common, I get that the bi-cycle can be ruthless and my attraction isn't always 50/50, and I can even acknowledge that even 50/50 will never give me enough reassurance that I'm making "the right choice" of partner. I'm also acknowledging that my brain is trying to make meaning out of my feelings as well, but I'm still currently in the middle of a weeks long spiral that has left me feeling exhausted and empty 😮‍💨

I know love is a choice and I'm choosing my fiancé and I believe in us. I'm guess maybe I'm just hoping for some happy success stories from any fellow bi/pan friends with ROCD/SOOCD here.

[If you don't want to read all of this question is at the bottom]

My fiancé (25M) and I (27F) have been dating for 4 years; the first 2 years non-monogamous/poly; last 2 years monogamous; whole time very long distance; proposed to me 10 months ago; supposed to move in with him in another country in 4 months.

2 weeks ago he told me that being monogamous is negatively effecting how he feels about me and the relationship, but he still wants this to work out. It hurt especially bc I don't know that I can go back to being poly again, but he's the man that I want to marry so I still want to try and figure something out at least. And while I know this isn't an ocd issue it's a real problem, I feel overwhelmed, heartbroken, exhausted. I've dissociated more than usual, and I feel so detached from him lately.

And while I think that's valid given the circumstances, they've lead me to ruminating on a need for a Plan B, C, D, etc., checking my feelings and worrying that we'd both feel better with someone else, and panicking about the idea that even if we work something out now I won't get my happy fuzzy safe feelings anymore and/or we'll still fall apart and I'll be alone in a country thousands of miles away.

And it's becoming hard to parce through valid fear and catastrophizing right now. Whether or not things work out — though I pray they do — how do you all handle intrusive thoughts during a real rough patch in a relationship?