u/AnxiousSky3748

tw: vent rant, abuse mentions

i was adopted at birth. i live with one of my half-brothers (also adopted at birth, same biological mother, different biological fathers — biological mother reached out to my adoptive parents when she got pregnant again to ask them to adopt him too), and the youngest child is the biological child of my adoptive parents. my parents adopted after years of failed attempts and it feels like they just settled for adoption. when i was three, they finally had their "miracle baby." he is high-support-need autistic and my mother has always favored him, and it upsets me. for years, she tried to place the blame on me for his issues and claimed that he didn't have autism, but PTSD from my emotional breakdowns that i "intentionally had" when i was still single-digits of age and not receiving any help (then he got diagnosed, but she still brings up this PTSD claim occasionally, even though any PTSD would probably have been caused by her screaming at me and not six-year-old me having an emotional struggle).

i don't hate him, but she treats him so much more kindly, even when it's not related to his higher support needs. i feel like a trial child, and my mom would threaten to put me in foster care and detail every bad thing that would happen to me (including graphic abuse) as "punishment." i wish my parents had never adopted or had kids at all.

my mom refuses to acknowledge the extent of her abuse and still insists she has "intense trauma" that i "intentionally inflicted" from my emotional breakdowns as a result of unmet needs i had, and i say again, as a young child. every issue was pinned on me, and she rarely apologized when she was objectively in the wrong with proof to show it.

i feel so much guilt from all the "you should be grateful" rhetoric, but sometimes i wonder if it would've been better to grow up lower-class and loved versus middle-class and abused in such a manner. my biological mother is not perfect and i wouldn't have lived this perfect life, and there are other issues that come with being lower-class economically, but she kept the two younger biological kids of hers and they have significantly less issues from her treatment than i do with my adoptive mom. it makes me want to cry.

hello! i recently started my focus study for the LSAT (going from light study during an internship to devoting summer time i have off of classes to focus on studying for the LSAT) and while i'm making good and consistent progress, it's tiring.

i've spent about 2 to 4 hours a day on LSAT study the past week (i'm taking a PT once a week, other study is on drills, looking back at PTs, watching videos, etcetera) and i find myself super tired. i'm also studying in the morning (my study time usually falls between 9am and noon, and i cut myself off at 6pm if i had something to do earlier in the day). this includes break times!

i'm also making sure to set realistic expectations for my improvement to avoid burnout. i'm aiming for a boost of 2 points per PT (+2 scaled points per week, i take my weekly PT on wednesday or friday depending on how attentive i'm feeling). i'm a rising junior in university, so i still have time, and with my current progress am on track for a good score by the october or november LSAT this year.

does anyone have tips for helping manage this exhaustion? i don't like feeling i have to take a nap or almost falling asleep at my laptop at 11am. thank you!