my sexual assault as a child ruined my life
I (20F) got sexually assaulted at a sleepover when I was 13 by my best friend at the time and it snowballed into even worse events that ruined my life forever.
This is a long messy and poorly structured post, I'm really tired and my eyes are swollen from a lot of crying and I'm sorry for its length but very thankful to everyone who reads it through.
To put in a little bit of context, I was always very sensitive as a child and I was adopted because my biological parents were abusive and neglectful. I don't have the full story of what happened but I know it shaped me to be the person I am and I repress a lot of these early memories. My adoptive parents are okay, they're good parents, they were a bit neglectful during my teens due to a divorce but they were good when I was young.
When I was 13, I went to sleep at my best friend's house, he was a guy, I am transgender not that it really matters and I knew it at the time but the transition from elementary to middle school made me lose all my girl friends and I was kind of forced to socialize with boys despite not really liking it. I don't know if it's because of something to do with my biological dad or brother but I despise men because they were the ones responsible for my abuse at the time, honestly I wish guys would disappear from Earth sometimes. Anyways, I became friends quickly with this guy and we would play video games after school together over discord and such. One time he invited me to his house to sleep, this wasn't my first sleep over but I've always felt a bit afraid of sleeping at my friends because I have big seperation anxiety from adoption and neglect and being away from my parents was a bit scary.
I get there and we play games and his dad orders food for us then when we're about to go to sleep, there's only one bed and there's no inflatable mattress or sofa I can sleep on. I felt a bit uncomfortable about it but I decided to get in the bed with him anyways. Then he starts talking about sexual topics, I immediately get uncomfortable as I have horrible experiences with sexuality due to being transgender and I tip toe around the topic, then he starts asking me very specific questions, like, how I masturbate (which I don't think I even knew what that was at the time), if I watch porn etc. Then he shows me how he masturbates and then even asks me to touch him to "feel" his erection. I wanted to puke. I told him to stop and went to sleep and he started rubbing against me and after that I don't remember much. I think my brain doesn't really want me to remember, I know I went back home the next morning on my bike and locked myself in my bathroom and cried a lot. I never told my parents or anyone to this day and kept it bottled up for years
The next years were torturous. This single event ruined my life and I had trouble at school with socializing or being around our friend group because of him. I became really grossed out and isolated myself. I would spend a lot of time online and I unfortunately fell down the same rabbit holes I think a lot of us Gen Z SA survivors fell down. Things like Amino, Roblox, Discord etc, basically platforms that all have excessive grooming problems. I started presenting as a girl and getting online friends more than IRL, but I also let myself be pretty violently groomed by adults online multiple times as a form of self harm, this went on for years, adult men and a few women who would talk to me sexually, send me unsolicited nudes and such. There was this one lady from Argentina who was 30 who I'd play games with, she was very sweet and I practically saw her as a motherly figure because my own mom was absent from my life at that time, but she also would engage in sexual things with me, she'd tell me how I was such a sweet girl for my age and it's a shame she can't have sex with me, that she really wanted to fin**r me repeatedly and a bunch of gross stuff that made me feel disguting. I also never told anyone what happened with my friend at the time. A bit later, the pandemic happened, and he was still very weird towards me, he would constantly discuss romantic topics with me or ask me about things like porn and such, I always dodged the questions and said I was asexual and was grossed out by these things. (which I was)
I wouldn't say I developed hypersexuality as I didn't feel anything from sexual interactions if anything it made me feel worse, grossed out and made me cry a lot, I'm not sure why I put myself in these situations looking back, I think I was just very alone and wanted affection, it was at a time where my parents became a bit negligent of me as I grew older and the divorce happened (14-15) and this is the only way I found to bridge the gap. I also fell into substance abuse at 16 as a coping mechanism, I would find any excuse to visit my junkie friend to do drugs with him and It's also at a time where I started getting very dysphoric about my own body due to puberty, fortunately my parents were supportive and I'm also intersex so I avoided the worst and managed to transition in a year or two which was a huge relief but things went downhill afterwards.
I never cut off my SA abuser from middle school and high school, I kept him in my circle until graduation and the following year after. He was always there and he quite literally saw me transition in front of his eyes which piqued his interest again, which made me feel grossed out about my body when I should've felt better about it. He made advances to me around a year ago which brought back all the repressed trauma from when he SA'd me and that's when I realized that this was actually sexual assault and it had ruined me mentally severely. That's when I found the courage to cut him off and never talk to him again, I also found the courage to talk to my friends about it and I also met a really nice girl who became my girlfriend.
She violently and emotionally abused me for a year straight and sexually harassed me on several occasions and I let it happen.
The first 2 months were amazing with no issues and I told her from the start I had severe sexual trauma from that assault experience with my now ex friend and l was not able to touch her sexually in any way as getting asked to "touch" or "feel her" brought back those memories, and I was very clear about that boundary from the start. She made fun of this boundary to her friends, talking behind my back about it. She breached that boundary on multiple occasions and weaponized it against me, saying that this was a deal breaker and she couldn't be with someone like this, then she would repeatedly ask me to touch her which brought back all that trauma. I cried almost every night we were together. I developed a horrible trauma bond with her and she would always say the most cruel things about me and my physical appearance, that I "deserved to be hurt" because I was "too kind and nice" to her and she did not deserve that kindness. That I was too fragile for the world and that it might be better for me if I died. That she wanted to "use me" sexually for her pleasure. Really horrible horrible things. And I stayed with her for so long. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I also during that same time got sexually harassed and borderline assaulted on college campus in the bathroom because I went to the men's, again I don't know why I did that, I've used the women's since I was in high school when I transitioned and I don't look like a guy at all. I think I just felt super dysphoric because of my gf. I don't really want to get into details for this one as it's very recent and I don't want to think about it too much.
I haven't left my house in weeks, I had to contact my college to get accommodations from what happened on campus and for my mental health, I have finals and I'm probably gonna fail them. I'm severely depressed and scared of going out, I don't want to get out of my house and have anything happen to me again. I have nightmares practically every night and cry everyday for several hours. My ex girlfriend told me that I am too fragile and kind for this world and that's why people take advantage of me like this and I should be more cruel. I don't know if it's true, I don't want to know, I want to believe that the world is not a bad place. I hope things get better for me but statistically people in my position don't end up living good lives. Thank you for reading.