Need advice
Hey everyone! I’m never reconverting back to Christianity but I need some advice! Being a gay person who grew up Christian, HOW does a gay one completely heal from the trauma of Christianity, when the SHITTY memories and teachings previously got figuratively tattooed inside one’s head and it bothers you constantly what happens when you die! Is Hell for Real and actual punishment for us Ex Christians or what is it exactly because I don’t want to go up there and be laughed at or judged by the former deity up there and be punished for who I am. (Specifically because I was formally raped by a classmate in my former single digit childhood, I’m 29 years old now. But it was in my former Christian God’s own institution it happened and God did 0 things to stop the predator. But it really hurts because he was my best friend who did it, (Alexander H.) and when I grew up Christian it really bothered me hearing all the homophobic teachings by that religion and I hated God for that especially when he didn’t help me when I needed Him. Which is why I left Christianity because whenever I was told I had to be straight, I couldn’t because the idea of it (seeing woman parts eventually when eventually married) disgusted me, and I knew I was so much more comfortable with men, but I was told many times it was sinful and condemnable and that I couldn’t inherit Heaven if I were gay. Which bothered me because I never wanted to be tormented down there but I knew I could never make a married woman happy if I was like what my former deity wanted. I keep thinking this is ALL FAKE, but am afraid of where I will be when I die. I want Christianity to be a lie, and it is to me, but just worried what will happen if we’re just wrong. How do I speak back to my inner demons so I can find true paradise and love? I always wanted a true loving handsome husband who could possibly be my out from that Version of Hell but my own accepting Christian parents make me doubt their own affirmation of my sexuality because they stopped my engagement of with a former man of mine and he hates me now because of them. I really hate what they did and it makes me hurt thinking I can’t run from God and will have to eventually burn. Which is obviously what my parents want. I want to move out but I can’t right now because I have Prader Willis and Diabetes and I can’t even afford to live on my own because nobody wants to offer me a job or an independent home for me. They even support me with their military health insurance. I don’t even know where to start, or how to get help. How does someone like me go about HEALING and know I won’t Burn down there at all. And how does someone like me find real Gay love