u/Anxious_Ideal634

I’ve really messed up my life. I was with my high school gf for about 15 years and broke up with her 3 years ago. We’ve been stuck together this whole time because we rescued some dogs together and I know she can’t take care of them on her own and can’t afford it and I felt bad breaking her heart and leaving her in a situation she couldn’t handle/afford. I wanted to break up with her at least 10 years ago but she fell down the stairs at my parents house and broke her elbow into pieces so I could never bring myself to do it back then. Then I wanted to do it during college but I never did because I knew it would have to be her idea or she would never get over it. So about 8 years I told her I wasn’t attracted to her and I was really attracted to her sister, which wasn’t a lie. She ultimately never left after that and we rescued the dogs and turned into alcoholics. We drank like crazy for about three years until my liver stopped working and I turned yellow. Our relationship only got worse and more resentful. We hadn’t kissed or had sex in at least 5 years and been drunk for 3. After that we got sober and after a year of being sober I knew she would never leave so I broke up with her and got my own apartment. We’ve been living separate but still see each other everyday because I go over to take care of the dogs everyday because she can’t take them on good walks. She can’t move on when we’re seeing each other everyday even though she has already slept with and kissed other guys. I haven’t been with anyone in over a decade now. I’ve always been very self conscious and body insecure and my ex prob has seen me with my shirt off less than 5 times total. I really wanted to leave so I could learn to love myself and exercise and get in shape so I could be comfortable enough to get some sex out of my system with women I think are beautiful. And after that was out of my system I thought we could try again or if she already found someone new and had a family then I would have to mourn that and move on, either outcome was ok with me, I just wanted both of us to be happy. We’ve always been sort of a trauma bond for each other and a safe place and best friend. We get a long really well and like a lot of similar stuff and have a similar sense of humor. I’ve just never had any desire to be romantic with her. I have zero physical attraction to her and the attraction I get for other women is overwhelming sometimes. I can’t stand how lazy she is and I’ve grown to resent a lot of other things about her during our time together. She can’t seem to move on tho and I’m really stressed I’m going to make a bad decision. I don’t have any friends at all, not even a joke. And I’m not close with my family at all. I’m kinda just all alone everyday with my coworkers beside me wondering why I’m always so quiet. I’m drowning in this misery for the last 3 years at least. Before I could drink and not worry about it. Now I’m afraid that if we do split up for good then I’ll never find another person who truly loves and knows me the way she does. It’s hard to find that nowadays. I’m afraid I’ll find someone I think is beautiful but we won’t be best friends or she won’t actually love me genuinely or she’ll cheat or have STDs because a lot of people have those with all the casual sex people have together. I’ve never felt so torn or so stuck at a fork in the road in my entire life. This is really consuming me and I feel like I’m losing my hair over it. We’re both running out of time to start a family, especially on her end. She cry’s to me everyday about how she just wants to be barefoot and pregnant and a wife and good mom and that she only wants that with me. She obviously could have already started a family without me because dudes are in women’s DMs non stop and she goes out of her way to show me how many options she really has. I’m afraid if I get back with her and we make a baby that I’m only doing it to make her happy and I’ll hate and resent her forever and our kids will notice. I don’t want to be a miserable dad but I also don’t want to be a loser in his 40s with no wife or family. I really feel like a sorry excuse for a man for not leaving her ten years ago when we both had a lot more time to find someone else, or to mess around a bit and end up back together. I wish everyday I had a good father figure or grandfather to talk with and get advice from but I don’t and I find myself here begging for help from strangers. Please leave me any advice you have, even if it’s just to say you think I’m an idiot, I’ll take anything to talk about this with others. I’m not looking for grace and haven’t provided any for myself in a very long time, I just need thoughts from real people and not an AI chat bot for the hundredth time.