I hate myself and I want to die!
Terrible to be posting on Reddit about this but whatever, the reason I’m posting here is the reason I’m posting here if that makes sense (I’m so crossfaded right now who cares.)
Been trying my hardest to find a relationship for the past 4 years, I’m 21, athletic, very religious (idc if it offends you), I have plenty of hobbies, I’m studying to enter surgical technology, I’m great in social situations (although I’d say I’m an introvert), and never really had any kind of “row” with anyone in my life, save for my family. Overall, I don’t want to toot my horn, but I’d say I’m an average, above average guy.
Really hard to describe how brutal, and crushing, modern dating in America is. I’m not dating to fuck around, I’m just dating to love someone and start a family. I have no reason to believe I’m weird or that it’s something I’m doing to cause this (even though it obviously must be, hence why I can’t stop hating myself!!!!)
But anyway, fuck the pity party, here’s the story then I’m out. I told my best friend of 7 years that I have feelings for her. I wasn’t a dumbass creep about it, I wrote her a letter and it was all very sweet. She texted me and it seems like she’s already gearing up to tell me (in person ofc cause she’s so great she knew saying it over text is weird), that she doesn’t want anything to do with that. I meant everything I said, it was all genuine feelings, but she was like the last genuine shot I had at an innocent, genuine, childlike romance, because we’ve known each other since we were like 13/14. You can say that sounds weird whatever, I just don’t know anyone else that I can talk about my childhood with so personally, and trust that they actually understand. Now I just feel like anyone I talk to now is going to be uninteresting and not go anywhere, Im already uninterested in most women. And also VERY long story short, we had a big falling out with another friend and got MUCH closer because of it, but whatever, doesn’t seem to matter anyway.
Anyway that’s my post, now I’ll go drink and cry myself through the rest of summer break.
(I don’t really wanna die bots, I’m just at that point in the depression where it’s fun to say it).