My first dating experience made me realize how exhausting masking really is
I’m a 21-year-old guy with Asperger’s, and I recently had my first real dating experience. Honestly, instead of making me excited about dating, it made me realize just how much I struggle with being autistic.
For some context, I grew up overweight and wasn’t the best-looking kid. I spent years changing that. I lost the weight, started taking care of myself, and somewhere along the way I convinced myself that if I looked good enough and got really good at masking, I’d finally fit in. Like maybe people would see me before they saw the autism. Then one of my customers asked me out. I was genuinely shocked because she was really attractive, and I never expected something like that to happen to me. Our first date was at the movies, which was honestly perfect because I didn’t have to constantly think of things to say. I even brought her flowers. After the movie she gave me a really long hug and said she wanted to see me again. A few days later we were supposed to go watch horse races, but it stormed, so she invited me to her house instead. That absolutely terrified me. I’d never been to a girl’s house before, and I kind of knew her mom already, which made it even more stressful. I almost didn’t go, but I pushed myself because I really liked her.
The night actually went way better than I expected. We smoked, talked for hours, watched shows, and just hung out. There were a few awkward silences, and those always make me panic because I never know how to recover a conversation. My brain just freezes. Somehow it ended up being 2 in the morning. Normally I like being home by 11 because socializing drains me, but I completely lost track of time. She told me to stay the night. We shared a bed, and she definitely hinted that she wanted to have sex, but I wasn’t comfortable with that since we’d just met. I don’t judge people who would, it just isn’t me. So instead we just laid there holding each other all night, and honestly it was one of the nicest moments I’ve ever had with someone.
The next morning was when everything hit me. My social battery was completely dead. All I wanted was to go home and recharge in my room. The problem was it was her sister’s birthday, and she wanted me to stay so she could introduce me to her family and friends. Just hearing that made my stomach drop. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to meet them. I did. But the thought of meeting a whole room full of new people after already spending the entire night masking felt impossible. I knew I’d have to be “on” for hours longer, and I just couldn’t do it. So I made up an excuse and left.
When I got home I replayed the whole night over and over in my head. I kept wondering if I came across as weird or if she noticed how hard I was trying. There were little moments where I thought she looked at me differently, but I honestly don’t know if that actually happened or if I was just overanalyzing everything like I usually do. What stuck with me wasn’t whether she liked me or not. It was realizing how much effort it took just to spend one night with someone I genuinely liked. That was one evening, and afterward I felt completely drained. Then I started thinking about what an actual relationship would look like. Meeting her family. Hanging out with her friends. Birthdays. Holidays. Family dinners. Parties. Having to constantly socialize. I realized I don’t want my relationship to be another place where I have to mask. I don’t want to feel like I have to be at 110% around the person I’m supposed to feel safest with. I want someone I can actually unmask around without worrying they’ll think I’m weird.
That’s when it really hit me. No matter how much I change my appearance, lose weight, or improve myself, I’m still autistic. I can change my body. I can change how I dress. I can learn better social skills. But I can’t change the way my brain works. Sometimes I genuinely hate that. I hate that something that seems so effortless for most people feels like running a marathon for me. I just want to fit in. I just want to feel normal. I want relationships to feel natural instead of feeling like I’m acting the entire time.
I ended up ghosting her, and I honestly feel awful about it because she didn’t do anything wrong. She was kind to me the whole time. Looking back, I wish I had at least explained myself instead of disappearing. The truth is I wasn’t running away from her—I was overwhelmed by myself. I don’t really know why I’m posting this. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else on the spectrum has experienced something similar. Does dating ever stop feeling this mentally exhausting, or do you eventually find someone you don’t have to mask around?