u/Any-Board2667

any words of comfort would be so lovely right now as im genuinely crushed. he ended things with me and drove back to his home country and now basically wants 0 contact. i'm devastated, this is the worst heartbreak i've ever felt, even though i know it's for the best.

my mind can't stop replaying the wonderful sentimental moments of our relationship and i feel sick with missing him. i'm stuck here in our flat that we made for ourselves over the last 2 years whilst he gets to retreat back to his home and family. i feel so lonely and depressed. i hope this will soon pass.

im trying to hold on to all the feelings of betrayal and abandonment i've experienced with him over the course of our relationship to keep me sane and from spiralling into devastation. he was an extreme porn addict and lusted and spoke to other women online across our entire relationship. he constantly lied and hurt me. even though i believe he genuinely wanted to change he was incapable of taking on the emotional responsibility, which led to him being extremely avoidant and resentful towards me for months and months. he even downloaded and paid for tinder premium the exact same day we ended things.

it's finally all come to a head. even though i know it's right, and i can finally start to heal and feel like myself, i can't help but cry my heart out and wish he was still here. maybe it's just still raw. i can't wait to move on with my life. i'm 26 and im doing a masters degree and i just want to get it finished so i can move out of our flat and build a new life.

it's got to a point where any difficult conversation results in him completely shutting down and becoming incredibly cold and nasty to me.

i get particularly triggered when im out the house at work because this is the time he usually uses. there has been a pattern now for a while where ill call him whilst im at work (i work alone and have loads of downtime) either for reassurance or because i want to know whether he's been watching and masturbating.

every time it blows up. either he gets too overwhelmed with my need for reassurance or it comes out that he has been using and i get angry or upset and want to talk about it. i know this is not a good thing for me to do, and i did actually agree to not do this because it just always go horribly and he becomes incredibly nasty and i get really upset. he's started to threaten to leave multiple times after any difficulty which drives my anxiety crazy while i'm at work and cant do anything to try and fix the situation.

it happened again this evening and he's now blocked me on everything and told me to f*ck off and leave him the f*ck alone. i'm trying to navigate terrible feelings of guilt because it was a minor slip up. he was playing a video game, got triggered by a character then went to play a porn game to masturbate to - all which he said spanned a matter of minutes.

he has got better with his use over time. he used to use alias accounts on reddit and discord to sext other women and literally treat me like sh*t when i was in the house and he wanted to use. this hasn't happened for a while and he said he's especially started to be able to control his urges in the morning which is the most triggering time of day for him.

but it's still consistently happening. he did it again just the other day after being triggered by a pornographic youtube shorts ad whilst i was asleep in bed. i had even propositioned him before this and he said he wasn't in the mood.

his therapist has apparently told him there is "no point" in telling me when he's being using (i don't want to say relapsed because it doesn't feel like he's in real recovery and there hasn't been a substantial amount of time in the 3 years we've been together where he hasn't used). i don't agree with his. i feel like i have a right to transparency and a for him to be able to deal with my emotions about him using, instead of completely blowing up and being cold and horrible to me. i just want to be able to express my anger and ask him wtf is going wrong for him to still not be in a place where he's still consistently using porn after a year and a half since dday?

am i being unreasonable? i insisted he told me what caused the relapse today and i was relieved when he told me even though it took so much effort. i feel like hiding and not telling me is feeding the addiction and defending porn. let alone taking 0 accountability or caring about my feelings. but i just feel so guilty for pushing and calling when i know i shouldn't and i really do see him trying.

im just now stuck at work with no idea whether he'll be there when im home and i feel like i put myself in this situation and it's my fault and im a terrible person. he had offered to pick me up from work and make me a tea and watch a show with me before i asked him whether he'd used today. now it's just all ruined and i feel awful.

i keep having dreams of him using and feeling incredibly angry with him in the dream and almost wake up crying so i really feel like there's a lot of stuff im suppressing for his sake. he claims i don't care about him or his feelings as he's told me he feels tormented by my need to ask and for reassurance but my trust is just destroyed and i wish he could just take my anger and be honest with me.