Closing their eyes
Looking for those who can relate or advice on how to move forward.
I still can’t move past what my ex PA told me. How he would close his eyes and imagine other women during sex, including past partners, porn stars, or people we knew.
TMI, and not to sound pompous, but I know that I perform well in the bedroom (I’ve been told many times) and I know that I am considered a more “attractive” person. I’ve done modeling/media work in the past and hear these compliments regularly. While I have tons of my own insecurities, and I don’t necessarily agree with what people say, I say this for context. I’m in good shape and take care of myself.
But for the life of me I am still absolutely crushed by what he said and did. It’s been 7 months since the final relationship ending D-Day, and two years since the first. I feel so unattractive, completely detached from my sexuality, and overwhelmingly insecure about bedroom activities now that I really do not enjoy it because I feel so focused on trying to stay “entertaining” so that they don’t feel the need to close their eyes and imagine other people while using my body to masturbate…
I fear I’ll never be able to experience true sexual intimacy or enjoyment again. I constantly feel inadequate. While I feel okay with myself, I feel as though in relation to another person I’ll never feel truly attractive again. It feels like I’m constantly waiting for the let down, the disappointment, the confirmation that once again, I’m not enough. Even in the most intimate of ways.
Now, I’ve recently started seeing someone new, and it’s been good. But he made a comment indicating that he does watch porn. I haven’t mentioned about my past, and I’m more so waiting for the right time to create a conversation in which he fully discloses his porn usage without any of the context I’ve mentioned. But, now, I’ve noticed he closes his eyes too.
Maybe love and sexual intimacy just isn’t possible now. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic. Maybe it’s better for me to not pursue romance at all. Maybe I should give up. I’m just tired. And I’m sick of carrying trauma for someone else’s illness.
Does anyone else relate? It feels so lonely.