Why dose it feel like I am loosing
Hi I am 25 yrs old and I am working i have a job in have friends who are nice and supportive I have a good loving family I laugh talk communicate I do everything i can do to feel less alone and I have peapol around me but I don't know why I have this feeling that I am not enough I am dissapointing every one anyone who thought and cared for me I am drowning in my own thoughts most of the time now even if I am with peapol laughing talking there is just something in back of my mind is like you are pathetic and there is no hope for you I feel like I am just failing at everything I tried but you know I am trying everyday waking up thinking I wouldn't have hating my self and going to work everyday I am trying to learn trying to be better but it all feels worthless like whats the point I am feeling hopeless I am feeling that I dissapointed everyone who cared and will continue to do so I feel hopeless fucking hopeless and its not like I didn't try I started working since I was 19yrs old I didn't went to college I started working instead cause I do not come from a string financial background so I worked and worked at the time I should've been to college and experience that I tried everything I had depression since I was in school I was shy scared underconfident beyond repair I was not good at studies so I was overlooked every time I felt small like I am the lowest of the lowest and after being so shy that couldn't even say a word but when I finished school I knew studies is not for me so I worked in a sales job and I was scared but learned how to grow and I worked after that again again 12 to 15hrs shift a day and after 2 more jobs in 2024 I had no job I was rotting in my bed doing nothing bathing in like 2 months didn't care family pressure they started getting frustrated they were like do something with your life and comparison every where I go and I felt more like shit everyday of my life I feel like shit I wanted to kill myself I can't go back home that makes me remember of those time the helpless feeling the feeling that nothing good is about to happen ever with me and I am worthless I lost any will to will idea of death was not scary it was becoming the idea of peace and silence from everything and in 2025 I got a job i thought finally something good happened finally I will be able to get out of this place but idk the thoughts returned I still compare everything I still overthink a lot like every small detail of life how I dress or talk I want it to stop I feel like shit everyday I feel like I am a big dissapointment a looser who is good for nothing and they deserve a better son then me everyone deserves better than me I feel like I am a peice of shit I drink smoke ciggs like 15 to 30 a day just to feel good just to make the noise stop I smoke weed and I am tired and exhausted of everything trying and trying whole my life I feel shit everyday I feel like I should end it all but I can't I have a lot to do so I am stuck i cut myself multiple times to make the pain go away it gets unbearable sometimes I hate myself I hate my life and hate what I have become and I feel there is no hope for me anymore but I can't die but I wish I could god I wish I could end all this shit and meaning less life