My step daughter has been lying for years and now I no longer want her in my home.
My step daughter has been lying for years and the lying has gotten worse.
As a preface to this: her mom is sick and, although she has yet to have gotten a diagnosis for her daughter, but has convinced her daughter she also has this disorder. I believe strongly that we are straddling a line of munchausen syndrome and by proxy. Over the past 2 years she has gotten worse and now has a feeding tube and apparently is dying... although her disease has a very very low mortality rate that usually doesnt even occur until elderly years, so I suspect there's more going on like anorexia nervosa. (I want to add that I do have a bachelor's in psychology and was a behavioral therapist and worked in psychiatric hospitals for years so I'm analyzing and watching everything). She took her out of school in 2nd grade after she told her mom was being bullied and after she almost got expelled for bringing a pocket knife to school to wittle wood on the playground). Shes been homeschooled since then on a farm in the middle of nowhere with her younger siblings. She has now also told us that she has visual snow and sees a "hat man figure"... schizophrenia runs in her family but I'm not sure if this is real or if she is trying to get attention. She also has a habit of trying to manipulate people and I'm assuming its in part, attention seeking, and also a form of taking control. If her father or grandmother or myself, tell her no when she wants us to buy some expensive clothes or toy she will first try to turn on the charm and be extra sweet and loving... and when that doesnt work, have a complete meltdown and throws the biggest tantrum or cries until her dad or grandma cave and buy her those things... after that, she never wears that outfit or play with the toy.
The lies: It started out more so about me to keep me from being friends with her mom. We had a great coparenting relationship and I always did everything I could to treat her as my own. I always referred to her as my daughter or bonus daughter, avoiding step up until now. I have spent so much money on family vacations and events for these kids and her father and I have spent nearly 8 years working hard on making this a blended family. She used to go home and tell her mom that my mom and I were making fun of her, that was NEVER the case. It then escalated later on with I was trying to poison her...with msg.. which wasnt mine but my husband's for eastern asian cooking. As her mom started to get sicker it really feels that has ramped up the lies and they have gotten worse. My son, who is now 8, when he was a toddler she insisted on taking baths with him because she was washing her sisters at home who were around his age. Well, he thought it was funny to play with his privates (bc he was a toddler boy) and she freaked out about. I thought we calmed that all down but she would later go on to use this as one of the many ways that my son is some sort of serial killer/psycho. They used to play in the pool together and one of the games was pool monster, well he was around 5/6, she is 4 years older than him, and he jumped on her being the monster and so then she screamed and cried and jumped out of the pool and said he tried to drown her. Things went quieter for a little bit until this past year she blew everytbing up again, I was poisoning her and being mean and my son is now a serial killer in the making and trying to "m0l35t" her. This was when he was 6/7 and he figured out how to unlock doors and was going around the house unlocking all the doors. She happen3d to be in the bathroom taking a bath when he was going around the rooms upstairs playing with the locks. Thank god I was already up there (bathroom is next to my room and I'm sitting right there next to it) when I saw him go up to that door. Of course I catch it and yell at him as he's trying to open it and stop him from opening it up fully, but that was it and she used that incident later down the road as another exaggerated lie saying hes "always trying to open the doors to see her changing or taking baths". Bc of all of this last year, I stopped letting them around each other alone, ever, bc I didnt trust the situation and I thought everything was getting better and calming down. We have been on many family vacations and did a lot of family events and of course she never has issues then and has a lot of fun. That being said, when we bring her home shes all smiles and i love you and hugs but apparently when she goes into her mom's house she breaks down and tells her she's uncomfortable at my house. Well this past week, a nuke was dropped after, for the third weekend in the row, she called her dad to pick her up from her mom's house (she lives an hour away) so they can hang out (aka he take her shopping and out for lunch) and then drop her back off at her mom's house. He refused to go along with this again and told her to just stay at her mom's that weekend. Next thing you know her mom is calling him yelling and screaming at him about how "uncomfortable " she is abojt going to our house and that my son (who's 7 and half her size and shes 12) is a monster and hes molesting her and trying to grab her boobs and he tries to hurt her and hurt our dog (a complete lie) and a bunch of other absolutely disgusting allegations. These are extreme allegations that could really ruin someone's life. After she started ramping up her lies last year, i never leave them alone together and my little one is always hanging out with me so I KNOW these are lies. I'm sick to my stomach at this point and I know this child needs serious therapy and to go back to regular school to be around kids her own age since shes very isolated. There's a lot more but this is just a brief summary. I'm heartbroken because I love that child and have helped raise her since she was 4 years old and I am at a loss. I'm super uncomfortable and do not want her back in our house anymore as I'm nervous about her lying about my son, or god forbid, my father, or her own dad. I feel like some of the steps I can take are changing the door knobs on the doors again (although my son hasn't tried to open locks since I had a convo with him about privacy and if a door is locked its for a reason) and maybe setting up security cameras around the house. Her mother hasn't tried speaking to us in 8 months and now, suddenly, this giant blow up of lies when she was told no. I understand there's a lot going on, her mom is very sick (apparently she cant even leave the house), and shes isolated on a farm and has no friends to talk to outside my children's friends when shes over here. I understand there's also this need for attention that she is wanting from her mom because shes competing with 3 much younger sisters for attention, but its all at the cost of us and my family. For the time being, she will be staying with her mother until things have cooled down or for however long needed, but her mom has said she is very ill and may be dying and has written a will and my husband will have to be prepared for that... so that makes me even more nervous bc that would mean she would be moving in permanently but with all the lies and accusations towards me and my own children, I cant trust her around them as they get older. What if she escalates this and one day CPS or police show up to my house to take my son away bc of her lies? What if she gets so broken and upset thst she starts accusing my husband?! How is she getting an education from being homeschooled if her mother cant even feed herself or have the energy to leave her home?! I told her mother she really needs therapy and to go back to school to be with children her own age and get out of that house for her well being, but now she thinks I am "bullying a disabled person" .. .which is just insane to me. .. I'm at a loss. I'm venting, looking for advice, or see if anyone else has gone through anything remotely like this. I feel like this is going to lead to my spouse and I divorcing, because even though he is on my side and knows these are all lies, thats also his daughter and I understand that.