r/stepparents

Hi I (36F) have one bio son and have been married to DH (37) for three years. All our kids go to the same private school. It’s my sons last year before he goes to high school 🎉 so that’s another conundrum revolving pickup drop off for my SK’s (SS and SD in elementary/barely middle still).
Anyway here is my dilemma that I can see coming a MILE away but neither DH or BM can comprehend just yet.
This is the first year BM is in bussing distance and put herself down for bussing for kids before we could. She does not work. SAHM idk why she did it but she did it without asking
I work. DH works.
We rely on bussing to get all kids to school and due to the length (90 mins!) of the shuttling back bus at dismissal one of us has to cut work early to pickup kids.
So far it has always been me.
So that becomes a problem next year when I pick up my son (bio dad uninvolved) and that’s it for the SK’s unfortunately. At least IMHO I think cutting into my work schedule ability for years beyond when my son is done attending that school is a big ask especially when I’ve done it the past two years.
The school has latchkey.

My CURRENT issue is coming next Monday-Friday. It’s our week with the kids. The SK’s are NOT listed on our bussing app as being able to take same bus as bio son to school from our house. I checked today.

I cannot drive them in. I am a med student in practicum all fall. DH called bussing to straighten it out but in the app it still has them only being picked up from BM’s.

Sure I can do pickup I kinda have to since my own bio son is there. But drop off? I have work….. there is a reason why they rode the bus the past two years.

I’m at a loss. I want to tell DH “hey there’s a good chance your kids will be SOL on Monday because I can’t drive them due to work.”
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to have DH or BM figure it tf out 🤷‍♀️ y’all claim to coparent and if she made the oopsie she can drive, get them, take them to school because I’m cutting into work enough for every day pickup.

Am I being unreasonable?

Adding (I am premenopausal and ragey and my practicum is oncology so I’m brain dead 💀 with my degree and practicum coming up- it’s very important to me and needs to take my utmost attention) thus me being utterly done with BM for doing this cause it lands on me 😅😅😅😅 I feel like the only one yelling “iceberg!!!” and no one’s listening to me here. Should it happen and I have to drive them, I will not. That’s my limit. That’s my solid 🙂‍↔️ NOPE figure it out guys 🤷‍♀️

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother.

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

My partner and I have been together for 2 years, we don’t live together yet but I spend most of my time there. I’m just curious on other people’s opinions mostly.

She has 50/50 custody with the childs dad and they split clubs etc. she buys her own uniform, bottles etc for him. But when it comes to holidays as a three, it’s always split in half. I don’t think it’s ever been something we’ve spoken about but I guess just expected on her behalf. She has less money obviously as being a single mum and stuff but I’m not well off at all I just have less bills. I don’t mind paying for half of holidays but I just thought, should I be?

For example she wants to go to take him on holiday abroad next year as he has never been, I love him lots but honestly if I’m paying to go away, I want to enjoy it and relax. He is 5 so there will be absolutely no relaxing for either of us. It might be selfish but I’m like, do I want to be paying upwards of a grand to go somewhere that I don’t really want to go just because he hasn’t been abroad before?

Let me know!

I think this is mostly a sanity check. I’ve lived with my husband for 8 years, SD 11 is usually with us 1 night per week during the school year because it’s a bit of a drive to BM’s/her school and 3 nights per week in the summer, rotating days based on husband’s work schedule. This last month or so however he’s been picking her up 1-2 nights early so she’s with us up to 5 nights per week, but I am the only one home with her for those extra 1-2 days since I work from home. I was never asked if this arrangement was okay with me, I’ve just been told “SD will get here tonight instead of Friday” and then he just moves on. So not only am I expected to be home during those days (I often go to client sites for meetings/demos even though I mostly work from home), I can’t go to the gym after work which I do every day, I don’t have the amount or type of groceries appropriate for her, and also I just don’t want to be in charge of a child while I’m working. If she was independent and could make her own breakfast or lunch, I’d be less annoyed. If I was asked if this arrangement was okay, I’d be less annoyed. Even if I was warned earlier, I’d be less annoyed! I also usually have 2 days per summer that he has off that we can spend together just the two of us (we don’t have the same days off) and he used both of those days, last month’s and this month’s, to pick her up early. I just feel like I don’t have a choice in any of this, and I feel EVIL for being mad about it because I adore her, but I don’t understand why she gets picked up early so I lose both days of the year to spend with my husband OR just to be my responsibility for the days she’s here until my husband gets off for the week. He is home at night but only for 2-3 hours before they go to sleep. I have zero “parenting” powers so she scrolls on her phone literally all day until then, even though I make suggestions like grab a book, ask the neighbor kids to go play, grab your drawing notebook etc. Am I being unfair here? I’m going nuts trying to phrase it in a “I’m not evil” way.

I'm curious how most blended families actually handle this because the more we look into it, the more confused I get. I'm 38, my husband is 42 and we've been married for three years. He has two kids from his first marriage (both teenagers) and we're getting ready to buy a house together in Massachusetts. We met with an estate planning attorney this week and one of the first questions was what we'd want to happen to the house if one of us died. I guess I always assumed the surviving spouse would keep living there, but then I started wondering what that means for his kids. On the other hand, if the house immediately goes to the kids, where does that leave the surviving spouse?

We're all on good terms so this isn't about anyone trying to cut anyone else out. I just realized we'd never talked through what fair looks like in a blended family.

I know every family is different but I'm curious what this has looked like for other stepparents.

I’m curious how other stepparents handle birthdays and Christmas when your teenage stepkids are spending less and less time with you as the years go on.
We’ve gotten to the point where stepkids barely spend any time at our house, and it seems like every year we put a lot of thought and money into birthday and Christmas gifts, only for the gifts to either barely get used or never really be seen again because they’re hardly here. On top of that, DH also pays a significant amount in child support, so financially it can feel like we’re constantly spending a lot while also not really getting much opportunity to be involved in their day-to-day lives.

I’m not asking this from a place of not wanting to give them gifts or not wanting to be involved. I genuinely want to know how other stepparents navigate this.

Do you still buy the same amount of gifts? Do you scale back? Do you give experiences (which I don’t see working as we barely see them) or gift cards instead? Do you just keep doing what you’ve always done regardless of how often they’re around?
I’d really love to hear how other blended families handle this, especially when the relationship/time together has changed over the years.

Burner acct but We are at a complete stalemate. The beginning of our marriage he had issues after issue with my oldest daughter. She was 9 when we get married. His issues really started after she turned 11. He would literally look for things to be annoyed about and get after her about. When we got together I got pregnant very quickly and it was not on purpose obviously. He had a 3 month old daughter he had split custody with as they split while she was pregnant(not married).
My husband broke his back exactly 30 days after we got married and has NOT been the same since. He’s totally healed/recovered to the fullest possible extent and worked a very laborious job for several years after he recovered. He is now in sales and not much labor to his job. I know at this point the pain changed his personality. He’s so negative.

We used to go to marriage therapy because of our differences in parenting my oldest daughter. The conclusion of the therapy is that I need to stop enabling my daughter to be disrespectful and stop using the fact that she was abused as a young child by my exhusband- (he was physically abusive to me and she witnessed it) and I can’t keep using it as a crutch for her her whole life. So I began to parent her differently. Things between us got better and my daughter is almost 16 now and she’s thriving. No issues. She and him have a significantly better relationship now.

Fast forward to now his daughter is 7. This is now where our conflict in the marriage is centered around. She’s “daddy’s perfect girl”. She literally cannot do wrong. If she does- the other kids must then prove it happened. Because if she says they are lying to my husband they are really lying. I interact with her as little as possible because if I have to discipline she has a HUGE tantrum. She has tantrums if she’s disciplined by either of us but if I tell her no she goes right to her dad. She tells the other kids she can do whatever she wants because she’s his number one. She gets angry and hurts the other kids and he enables all her behavior saying she has a rough home life with her mom. I said when I was enabling my oldest- I was told that was wrong. Why is it okay for you to do it now ? And he said it’s totally different. It’s not but ok.

I have her while both of her parents work in the summer and it’s to the point where if she does something wrong he wants me to call him instead of address her. So I did yesterday. She said that what I told him was a lie and he sided with her again. He said that because I’m constantly “protecting” the other 3 kids they are ganging up on her but they aren’t. They just try to play with her and she tries to get them in trouble or hurts them.

I do feel like I have to protect them from her. No one is safe when she’s over because she can say anything about anyone and he runs to aid her. It’s frustrating. I’m overwhelmed. I’m exhausted. I try to talk to my husband and he says I am the problem. I don’t understand how I am always the problem but he’s never to blame. He genuinely thinks he does nothing wrong. He stonewalled me all day yesterday because I won’t apologize for going to him with an issue the other kids came to me about. He said I was lying and she did nothing wrong. I can’t do it anymore. He said our marriage isn’t worth it anymore. He’s going to choose his daughter. I said you’re choosing her over the whole family though. I am scared if we separate it will be worse for my other kids that are with him. I’m just over it all. I can’t take it anymore but I feel like I can’t go anywhere because I know the kids alone stand no chance of her word against them if no one is there to defend them.

Edit to add- he’s not denying there are actual issues with her. He’s just not addressing them unless he sees it. I told him this will affect her in school and he is hoping that it does because he thinks it will give him a leg up in court against her mother. That is why he refuses to put her into therapy or anything else. He wants a dramatic incident at school to happen and then he “plans to take action” for her behalf. It SUCKS.

SD is 4, turning 5. Our parenting schedule says every other weekend, but we ultimately have her most weekends and some weekdays too. I’ve been in her life since she was 2, and we’ve always been tight. She’s my little buddy and I love her. We also have a 6mo baby girl, and she loves her little sister. Normally, she’s a sweet, happy girl. But these last few weeks, I’ve noticed a change in her behavior.

My husband used to be a Disney Dad. Maybe even a step beyond that. I mean, he was incredibly co-dependent on her, had loads of guilt for not being there every day, very anxious (almost like PPA) taking SD anywhere or letting her be around anyone, etc. he enabled misbehaviors and tried to give SD everything she wanted all the time.

Even though it wasn’t his choice to split up his family—-BM had an affair and wanted to divorce—it still left him with some guilt issues. Even before the divorce, BM felt like he was emotionally co-dependent on SD. Other people, like family members and friends, have also noticed this.

Since then, he has improved significantly. He realizes how immensely destructive his parenting was. It boiled to a point when at my niece’s birthday party, SD wanted him to play with her constantly, wouldn’t let him interact with anyone else, and when he tried to use the bathroom, she had a full-blown meltdown.. like full tears and screaming. I had to take her out to the car, calm her down and talk to her. She felt so much better afterwards and hung out with me for the rest of the party.

Since then, things had gotten better. She liked bonding with me, her sister, and other kids, would play independently a lot more, seems way more comfortable and confident, stopped co-sleeping, etc.

The Disney-Dadding still comes out occasionally but when I point it out, he’s receptive.

However, the past few weeks, I noticed she’s a lot more clingy on him again, wants his attention 24/7 and when he interacts with anyone else, she gets upset and tries to pull him back. If she sees us cuddling or having any affection, she starts physically climbing all over him and getting in between. If he picks up her baby sister or helps in any way, she tries to get him to put her down and give his attention back to her. She’s also been dismissive and more rude towards me suddenly. She’s been ignoring me, not wanting me to be around, talking back, etc. I don’t take it personally, because again, she’s only 4, but it’s definitely a stark contrast to our normal relationship, and it’s still not okay to treat me or anyone poorly.

If he doesn’t give her what she wants, she gets really upset and becomes defiant. And he is anxious to make her happy and win her approval. I think part of her behavior can be normal at her age (still needs to be corrected ofc), but I think the dynamic of everything also plays into the behavior. Basically, I can see where this is headed if it’s not corrected but am unsure how to go about handling this. I know it’s mostly up to my husband.

If you made it to the end, thanks for reading that complete dump! This blended family thing has been really tough to navigate, so it’s a lot.

Let me preface this by saying I’m not interested in being scolded, I promise you any negative thoughts or words you have for me I’ve already beaten myself up for. God forbid I consider myself and my feelings instead of treating myself like I don’t matter.

My SK’s BM just moved like six hours away. She’s only around to try to cover up the fact that she’s a deadbeat. That level of effort went down significantly after she decided to have another kid with the misfortune of not being able to abandon the responsibilities of that child like she did SK. Thankfully for her she found an idiot to adopt said child that isn’t his as long as she moved hundreds of miles away from SK. She found him on tinder only bc he lives near the hospital that SK was being treated for cancer at. She was swiping on tinder while her child was getting chemo 🙄. She moved in with him not long after and then moved back. She had underage SK babysitting her infant/toddler for hours at a time without anyone knowing. She had SK lying for her about it. My SK lives with their grandmother most of the time and my SO works inconsistent schedules and sometimes out of town. From the beginning I made it clear that I was not interested in raising someone else’s child. I was under the assumption that SK wouldn’t live with us full-time and held that boundary. I have been steadfastly NACHO as it’s called here. But now that deadbeat BM has moved away once again, I’m starting to be asked to do more than usual. I’m getting increasingly frustrated by my SO for not checking SK’s room before they leave here. SK is leaving food/drink trash in the room. I’m now having to go through the room so there isn’t bugs. SK is not allowed to have food/drink in the room bc of this, so they just hide it in drawers and the closet. SO recently made SK come back and clean up the mess, took away electronics etc. But this has happened repeatedly and nothing changes. I have been steadfast in my boundaries about SK not being here unless SO is also here. SO is usually in agreement, but has been pushing it. I really don’t mind SK being here occasionally when SO is at work, weekends and summers etc. but now SK assumes they can stay here whenever just bc I’m here. I believe SO has explained to SK why that is not happening, but I don’t think he is very steadfast in his resolve when it comes to SK. SO doesn’t want to be an overly stern parental figure, but he has to bc no one else does. SK is coddled and babied by the rest of the family and it hasn’t had a huge negative effect yet, but I know it’s coming as SK enters teen years. I need my time alone in my house. I don’t want to be mean, but I am on the spectrum/ suffer from CPSTD and I get extremely frustrated and anxious sometimes bc I need to be alone. I actually feel relieved when SO goes out of town for work bc I just need that time and it has nothing to do with SO. I picked SK up from school a few times and now anytime SK wants a ride somewhere they assume I can do it. Like? Ask your goofy ass mom why she isn’t here to chaperone you? Obviously I don’t speak that way to SK and I know it’s not SK’s fault. I’m just tired of feeling guilty about the whole situation, but I didn’t create this child, I did not position myself as a parent, but now that BM has skipped town I just know it’s going to get worse. SK has referred to me as their other mom and I don’t know how to explain to SK or SO that I don’t want that. I really don’t enjoy being made to feel like my only purpose here is to be a placeholder for a parent. I’ve told SO that SK needs to be in therapy like NOW because of this, but I feel brushed off. I don’t understand being put into the position of any responsibility without having a say in things. SO does not pursue child support, which is insane to me, but since he can afford it he just doesn’t bother. I told SO long ago that if he wants me to saddle responsibility he better take that lazy bitch to court. She doesn’t pay for anything unless there’s someone around to witness it. Idk what my point is here other than I feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation. I’m not willing to sacrifice my free time because of a loser BM who gets to frame herself as a loving mom of two while other people raise her kids. And it pisses me off that no one wants to hold her accountable, but I’m expected to pick up the slack. I don’t have anyone to talk to that understands.

I’m engaged to a man with a young child, and when we started dating I fully understood that dating a father meant becoming a stepparent and having coparenting be part of our lives. What I was not prepared for was the level of conflict with his child’s mother and how much it would bleed into our life.

They’ve been trying to settle a parenting agreement for about a year. Mediation has failed twice, largely because she would not come to an agreement on the actual issues and instead kept circling back to how my fiancé is supposedly absent and how I’m jealous. She also stated in mediation that she does not want their child attending our wedding, which is especially upsetting considering this is his father’s wedding and we are trying to build a family together. Court has been postponed multiple times, and now they’re waiting for a temporary hearing while a GAL gets involved.

The every weekend schedule has also been hard on our relationship because any time we try to take a few hours or an overnight for ourselves, it technically means using childcare during the limited time my fiancé already has with his child. We don’t resent having him at all… we actually want MORE balanced parenting time, but it means there’s currently no natural weekend time for us as a couple, and BM scrutinizes the rare occasions we do arrange family childcare.

What has worn me down even more is how much she seems to involve herself in things outside of actual parenting.

She has monitored our social media and Venmo and brought up money he has sent me/my family. When we got engaged, she somehow found out even though none of us follow her and emailed about how he could “afford an engagement ring” for me while they were disputing support. She repeatedly refers to me as “jealous” and “bougie,” complained to his sister that she hates when I come to the door during pickups, resisted me helping with pickups or attending appointments, and apparently keeps tabs on my Instagram despite us not following each other.

She also seems to give neutral third parties an extremely negative narrative about my fiancé. Recently he simply wanted the procedural handbook before signing IEP paperwork, contacted the school himself, and asked for it. She then emailed the coordinator saying his involvement is “extremely inconsistent,” that he “makes things complicated,” that the whole thing was “embarrassing,” and that she didn’t anticipate him signing anyway.

Straightforward questions about daycare, testing, school placement, etc. turn into paragraphs about how he is selfish, difficult, only wants to “look involved,” needs to “grow up,” or has some secret motive behind normal requests for involvement. Unfortunately she works at the child’s daycare and has had her coworkers assist in blocking my fiance from picking their child up. And most recently, had daycare staff write letters about how my fiance is “combative” and “threatening” at pickups.

Even normal couple time becomes stressful. We recently went out for a couple hours during his parenting time while his sister babysat, and BM immediately started grilling his sister about how often she watches the child and where. Now I have a bday outing coming up and his mom was going to help with pickup/childcare, and BM is already trying to attach written conditions that my fiance’s mom can only help with pickups if child is not staying overnight at her house.

I feel like there is no part of our relationship that stays untouched.

And that’s where I’m struggling emotionally. I love my fiancé and I love his child. The child is not the problem. I don’t resent him being a father and I actually want him to have more involvement, not less. But I feel like I’ve spent the past year hypervigilant, wondering what BM is watching, what ordinary decision is going to become an issue, or what milestone is going to somehow get overshadowed.

My fiancé and I are in therapy and he’s supportive, but this situation is exhausting both of us in different ways. He tends to compartmentalize while I tend to absorb everything. I’m trying to learn how to support him without emotionally becoming a third party in his custody case.

I guess I’m looking for other stepmoms/partners who have dealt with a genuinely high-conflict coparent: Does it ever become background noise once there’s a detailed court order? How do you stop their behavior from consuming your relationship and your milestones? How do you support your partner without carrying the custody battle yourself?

I really want my engagement, wedding and life with my fiancé to feel like ours again.

So my bf is Colombian, he’s almost finalized his divorce after having to jump through hoops to get it done from the USA. His ex wife and him have a child together and she ended up cheating on him and is actually pregnant with someone else’s kid rn.

He’s been going through this process for a long time cause of being in another country. But his ex wife constantly tries once in a blue moon to call him crying or saying she’s the best thing that ever happened to him or just trying to play victim(I know because I’m there when it happens and he vents to me about the bs), though he never entertains it.

We’ve agreed to keep our relationship hush whenever he calls his child everyday and so his ex wife doesn’t know since he’s also dealing with the legal process of getting his kid eventually over here and his ex wife does everything to berate his name and try and get him to “mess up” during this process.

However recently, last night, after he hung up with his child we were going out to eat dinner and he gets a call. This woman literally called crying saying “why isn’t the divorced finalized yet I’m certain you have someone else new.” And just crying a sob story. And he simply was like “did you seriously call my phone for this bullshit” and she didn’t say anything and hung up. You’d think that would be it, BUT….she reached out to his fucking mother to secretly ask her the same thing asking “Does so and so have someone new, do you know?”. Like wtf??? His mother told both of us today that she called and was asking that and of course his mom didn’t tell her anything and hung up after saying she doesn’t know and saying they weren’t on speaking terms.

But like this is absurd! Like it’s been 3 years just about of this process of their divorce and we just have to pay the lawyer another fee to have the papers officially signed finally. It took this long cause the ex wife wanted to make issues consistently regarding their child together and child support. But also his lawyer is abroad and we had to do a poder especial so the lawyer could start doing more on behalf of him.

It’s so infuriating that I can’t say anything and I’ve been very patient and calm but this is getting ridiculous. Because on top of all of this I’ve been supporting him and also we are trying to get a head started with a lawyer over here so we can actually get married and do the things needed for his green card. And eventually if it’s in the best interest of his child have them move over here. We are financially more stable and better off than his ex wife is. As he’s constantly having to provide money for everything for the child cause the mother can NEVER afford it. It’s absurd I know. But also his child has spoke on their own free will of wanting to move to the USA and even started learning English.

What should we do in this situation, what should I do in this situation? I hate seeing my bf so stressed out like this and constantly dealing with this lunatic.

I f 33 and bf 31 have been together a year, I've meet his family. And I've meet his kids once. Before I meet them every weekend I was invited but he also knew I couldnt go. After I meet them I havnt been invited once, and he usually uses my car since he is also staying with me. Today is the kids first day of school, he wants to see them off and get pictures. And i want him too, we work together 3rr shift.

So at first he made it seem like he didnt want any issues from the mom, I am not allowed to be there apparently. He has not told the mom about me he assumed she would hear it from the kids. So I asked if he could meet them at the school and do pictures, but they live to close to the school for that?? He wants me to drop him off for 15 or 20 minutes at the house but then he wants me to leave. I cant sit in the car and wait. Now its because the kids will be upset if they see me, but wouldnt they see me dropping him off and picking him up? Is it unreasonable for me to ask to sit in the car, instead of driving around for 15 minutes.

Husband broke his leg 2 weeks ago. Since then, I've done EVERYTHING around the house. His daughter, 17, hasn't done anything since they moved in 3 years ago. And I'm an idiot that just let it go on that way. His son, 19, lived here too until recently, and would maybe take out the trash.

The deal we had going was I would cook, he would do dishes. Now his leg is broke and he can't help with anything. I FINALLY snapped tonight. After 3 years of rarely mentioning needing help (again, stupid, I know).

I said "Can you please talk to the kids about helping me around here? I'm exhausted. I can't keep on like this. Especially now that I'm working 10 hour days.". I went back to work after being home 2 weeks after his accident.

He said "Yeah" then just sat there, not saying anything. So I told him "and I want you to actually enforce it this time. You told 17 to clean her bathroom regularly and she did it once and never again".

So what does his stupid butt do? Get up and gimp to the sink to wash the two pans that I had already rinsed out. He didn't say another word.

So me (41M) and my SO (39F) are having some problems. My SD is 6 almost 7. My daughter is 12.

Hope I’m using the right abbreviations.

One issues is sleeping with my SD. And the other one is their co parent relationship.

My SO has a close relationship with her co parent. (Bio dad is 56) Bio dad parents are too old so they both use my In-Laws as daycare. They text multiple times a day. Send videos/pics of the child to each other. When my SO had to work early he would go to her place and wait around until the daughter would wake up then leave. My SO would be gone. He works at a salon and cuts my MILs hair. He came to Christmas. And said “Brother’s come eat dad’s about to pray.” Referring to my BILs and FIL. It pissed me off. Then my SD was asking her mom and dad to kiss when we were leaving. She goes into his house from 10-20 minutes every drop off. We went to dinner with her family and extended family in town. He came to get my SD. I drove separately coming from work. So I left bc I don’t want to hang with her ex. They all hung out with him in the parking lot for 25 minutes after I left. Even my SO. I honestly feel like I share her with him. When I bring up boundaries she shuts me down and says they do it for the daughter. And they are both mature.

They moved in to my house. My SD is 6 and she won’t sleep alone and insists on sleeping with BM. I don’t want her in my bed bc it’s my bed and I want to enjoy my space and sleep. She makes mom sleep with her in her bed and I never see my partner the nights with her daughter there. She has snuck into my bed when my SO tried coming back. And I was not okay with it. My partner has always slept with her. And so does her bio Dad. And quite frankly it pisses me off. My SO says I want to sleep with her bc I only have her half the time and she’s gunna grow up so fast. My SO is a personal trainer and wakes up super early some days. She also prioritizes sleep very highly. So she has no desire to actually teach SD to sleep alone. I don’t know if it will ever happen and when I bring it up I’m overbearing and controlling.

I would prefer less one on ones with her co parent. So drop offs should be quicker. And prefer not to see him on holidays. I’m okay with birthdays, sports, school events.

I’d like her to teach her daughter to sleep alone.

Please help me understand if I’m being controlling. Or if my boundaries are out of line.

Sorry for any typos or poor grammar. Doing this without glasses.

My youngest step daughter is transferred to another school in the district since her 3 cousins are all in her grade and all go to that school. Oldest step daughter is starting high school. It’s down the street from us, so since it’s within a mile radius there’s not busses. My sister in law usually takes youngest to school and my nephew since he is also a transfer (their school is better than the one closest to us), and I had a job up until March when I was laid off. (Yay gov. Layoffs).

She’s having a baby in a month, so I offered to take the kids to school. It’s 15 min across town, they start at 7:45. Oldest step daughters high school starts at 8. I said I could take the youngest to school and my nephew, but the oldest would have to walk to school unless she wanted to go to zero hour every day (10 min walk btw through our neighborhood with friends walking with her.

Husband said she’s not walking. And said it’s my responsibility to figure it out since I’m home every day. We have a 2.5 year old together as well, so I’m home with him too until one of my many job applications goes through lol.

I feel like it’s zero of my responsibility in reality to figure out how they get to school since even though his ex wife doesn’t live in the same state, they all like to remind me that they have a mom that isn’t me. Am I wrong? My responsibility is technically my son and only my son….. do you agree or am I just overreacting?

Hello, i’m new here, and in need of advice. I’m in a 7month LDR relationship with a man who was recently divorced and co parents a 3 year old with his ex wife. I’ve been researching a lot about blended families, since this is my first time to date a man who co parents and divorced.

I have been in really bad relationships and even an abusive one in the past, and when I met my bf, i kind of felt like he was really the person for me. He is sweet, kind, and we honestly click so much.

we had a rocky start, since he never imposed boundaries between him and his ex wife. They would talk about things not related to the kid, and there was even a time when the ex wife, who also had a boyfriend of her own, treated my bf like a second boyfriend when she and her partner were in a rocky situation. My bf allowed her to on the ground that she used to be unstable and might hurt their kid. But she’s better now and is seeking therapy. He has since enforced boundaries himself after I told him I wasnt comfortable, and it made their co parenting better too since she hasnt been walking all over him.

but aside from that, based on what I’ve read, stories here, podcasts, etc., the stepmom is the backburner of a relationship, especially when the biological mother is involved. the stepmom is the least of the priority because her role is ambiguous. Is that true? I am contemplating if i should continue this or not. I love him so much and I constantly mourn the fact that I didnt meet him first. I plan on visiting him by december this year and meet his kid and his family

I know majority of the people here who post have negative experiences, but I hope people who had positive ones tell me their side too. Does it get better? What are the positive sides of being a stepmom? what made you stay despite not being first priority?

My stepson (SS) turned 18 a few months ago and will be moving out to college soon. With him reaching adulthood, the need for day-to-day co-parenting communication between my husband (DH) and (BM) has naturally come to an end. We’ve been really looking forward to this milestone, especially since BM used to bombard my husband with 6 to 7 non-essential texts a day trying to micromanage everything.
Currently, DH is handling all college fees, housing, and school logistics directly with SS. Because SS and DH can easily handle these details together without middleman drama, DH started ignoring BM's non-essential texts and switching to direct contact with his son.
The Situation: Out of nowhere, BM sent DH this text:
"Not sure if your wife asked you to block me, she probably thinks son is 18 so we do not need to text."
For context, DH hasn't even blocked her. He simply stopped replying to her because SS is an adult now. Immediately, BM jumped to blaming me, framing it as if I'm pulling the strings behind the scenes and controlling his phone.

How do you all handle the "your wife is making you do this" bait?
Should DH ignore it entirely and let silence be the answer?
Or should he send a brief, neutral shut-down statement establishing that his boundaries are his own before cutting off non-emergency contact?

Hello all, first post here. I'm looking for advice about my situation... Here's the scenario.

Say the coparents work really well together as parents but are clearly divorced. And you are the one who is coming into the relationship with the dad. The dad has the kid (4 years old) a couple times during the week and over night on Fridays and takes the kid home around bed time and stays an hour or so to play with the kid and hang out, reads books, etc. Would you feel insecure in any way? And if so, what kind of boundaries would you expect the dad you are dating to have in place?

This is what I'm currently dealing with as the dad in the scenario and dating.

Thanks for your input in advance.

SD’s bday is coming up this weekend, she’ll be 12. In the past I’ve gone all out and bought her nice custom jewelry or a bunch of clothes and accessories. She’s made it clear she doesn’t care for or value anything I buy her. I bought her clothes this summer that are sitting in her dresser with the tags still on them. The jewelry I bought, long gone. So needless to say, I don’t feel inclined to spend alot of money on a birthday gift. Plus she’s been not quite the friendliest person to me lately, so there’s that.

My idea is to let her little sisters pick out some gifts for her. Then her father can get her whatever he’s planning on getting her. But as far as a thoughtful gift from me…I’m just not into wasting my time or money.

SD10 has incredibly thick hip length hair. I’ve witnessed over the last 5 years that DH has never been good at managing it. He sucks at brushing it, always misses huge amounts, can barely get it in a pony, will not manage it daily on his own no matter how many times he is told that’s what it needs, I have to be the reminder and I don’t like to “nag” so sometimes SD goes a few days without hair care. BM has been coaching him on how to wash and brush for years, there will often be “what happened to her hair this week” when she picks her back up because it is matted, which makes him mad when called out but dude, you’re the problem. I had tried to help in the beginning, but apparently I “gave SD low self esteem” (actually the kids words) by showing him what he was doing wrong and how to correct it. So I am hands off now and just watch them struggle and suffer. In all that time, SD had never once been expected or able to brush her own hair. She never even tried. Which blows my mind.

It all came to a head this year when I told DH I’m done having her looking (and actually being) neglected all the time; if SHE wants the pretty long hair, SHE needs to be responsible for it or I’m taking her for a haircut whether anybody likes it or not. SD has since started trying to brush her own hair. She struggles horribly with it. I give her the same tips every time: stand in front of a mirror, start at the bottom, etc etc. but she’ll always end up standing in front of the tv just ripping through her hair until she breaks a brush and gives up, leaving wads of hair all over the house. I’ve told them both repeatedly that it needs to be in a braid at night so it’s not as big of an issue in the morning and they just can’t figure it out or be bothered to care. I’ve told them both that having long hair is a lifetime of daily maintenance and the good habits need to be built now, she needs to look in the mirror every day and know when her hair needs cared for, but he “doesn’t want her to have low self esteem” so doesn’t tell her to brush her hair in the morning when it’s a huge tangled mess and they will still go a few days at a time without addressing it. He will usually wait until we are about to be going out in public or see family to tell her to brush her hair, which then makes us very late because it is so messed up. So I know he can see when it is bad and is not just “man-blind” to it. I see brushing your hair as basic hygiene and a skill all kids should have long before 10, but they treat it as optional.

Anyways, to the point. Lo and behold, now that she has to brush it herself SD has seen how high maintenance her hair is and started asking me about cutting it. I told her it will always grow back and would be much easier to learn on if it were shorter, or even keep the length but add some layers. I have very thick hair as well where neither of her parents do, so I totally get it and remember what it was like to deal with as a kid. Several visits ago she told me she would come back with a haircut. She did not and said that her mom didn’t want to do it. I offered but she said her mom would get to it. This time she came back and a couple of inches had been very unevenly trimmed. Her hair is still to her butt, very straight and has noticeable jagged edges. The girls hair line looks like a heart monitor, I actually thought she did it herself but she said her mom trimmed it. She told me she still wants it shorter, she was thinking more shoulder length, but her mom didn’t want to go that short. Is this a scenario where it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission and just take her to have a professional haircut while her dad is at work? I know that both DH and BM would be very unhappy if I did so, but SD would be pleased and they would get over it eventually. But they’re not managing it on either end (sorry BM, she should have been learning how to brush long before now, especially since you knew her dad was wrecking it 50% of the time) or letting SD do what she wants to make it easier for herself to manage.

TL;DR
SD wants a drastic haircut but DH and BM won’t let her, should I?