r/stepparents

Sometimes I feel like my partner cares more about his firstborn than the baby I just had. SK lives with their mother in another state and because his ex is the standard goldstar HCBM, he’s constantly catering to her to keep whatever little peace remains. The goalpost is constantly moving so I’ve stopped getting involved as much. I’ll simply ask how his phone calls go and that’s it. I try to be low maintenance and chill about her behavior, I even pretended to be ok with him leaving out of state to go to an event the first week we brought our baby home. I pretend to be ok and passive about things that disrupt my life because if I voice any concerns I’m accused of keeping him from his child or not embracing the stepparent role. The last time SK was here all I did was clean up and get excluded from everything and it almost ended the relationship because he admitted to neglecting me in favor of being a Disney Dad. All I wanted was to be included and treated like we were a unit.

SK wasn’t supposed to come for the summer- we had agreed that since HCBM said he’d only get three days instead of his usual week, we’d just wait until his granted holiday because it’s a 10+ hour drive to and from and because HCBM is uncooperative in meeting halfway and how she won’t let him see their kid if I tag along, even flying was out of the question. We had also agreed that since dealing with the new baby would be a struggle it was best to wait for the holidays, especially since my partner has shown he gets overwhelmed when I NACHO because his kid is just so high maintenance. I had to cut my maternity leave short by a month because it was unpaid and funds are low- lo and behold, HCBM hits him with “I’m overwhelmed and want a vacation, take SK.” My baby cries a lot, I’m a first time mom and despite loving them more than life itself, they’re a lot. This is where my anxiety comes into play. HCBM constantly antagonizes my partner in front of their kid because “he’s a piece of shit” for having another kid and she constantly refers to my baby as a “distraction” if she hears them cry or fuss. She alludes that all the attention is on the new baby now. I don’t know their kid that well, I’ve only met them twice in person. They’re practically a stranger. I don’t know what their mother has told them in regard to their new sibling, I don’t know how they are with other children. My partner has told me that they’ve even bullied their cousin. They’re used to being the center of attention. I won’t be there to constantly supervise, and since my partner is too trusting and careless at times, I’m scared something will happen to my baby. SK is also sick like all the time- Covid and strep this year alone- and my baby isn’t old enough for their vaccines yet. I’m holding so much resentment for my partner and even myself because this is a child I’m talking about. I know I shouldn’t feel this much aversion towards them. But every time I’ve brought up how I felt, he stays silent and then says this is my stepchild we’re talking about and how I sound like a bitch. I’m so tired and I don’t know what to do.

My DH uses ChatGPT paid version to be our therapist (also super handy for planning vacations and other things). It's helped some with me feeling less frustrated about certain things and kind of gives us designated time to work out issues or just work on understanding each other better. It can ask us some pretty useful questions and give some insightful explanations to our answers that help us understand each other better. Sometimes the example explainations it gives are off and we correct it to understand the actual reason we feel/think/react a certain way, but it helps us identify what our reasons are and are not when they're listed out and we go over them and say yes or no to them. It can really help clear up some misunderstandings.

It also follows up and remembers our isms and links themes and reasonings that are very me or very him and identifies our patterns and links our answers back to the core of what's important to us. It's also got a super upbeat and supportive attitude about everything we tell it. Lol. Like, everything it finds a way to put a positive spin to or find the good in how we answered something.

The talks are really tailored to whatever we input as issues to discuss so it's extremely personalized. Because my husband and I like games and anime, it also gives us XP and level ups for certain categories when we answer the questions (because he told it we liked those things and if it could treat our talks this way).

We don't discuss all issues every night but ask it to pull up a random topic for us to discuss. If things have been heavy recently, sometimes my husband will ask for a light feel-good topic so he feels less overwhelmed/defeated and can focus on some positives before diving back into "needs improvement" mode.

My husband is usually all about wanting to do better but sometimes struggles to understand how to get himself to remember certain things. ChatGPT has helped with some of that.

For example, one of the issues we talk about is mental load. I expressed how frustrating it is when I feel like a lot of it falls on me. Because of how I answered a question from ChatGPT, ChatGPT came up with a suggestion and now when my DH comes home, he intentional looks for 3 things that would be at the top of my list for what would irritate me on sight when I come home and he makes sure they're taken care of by the person responsible before I get home (e.g. SD's crocs are sitting out, she needs to get them; DH left dishes in the sink, he loads them; etc.). Then he lets me know he found his 3 things for the day and I feel less like he's just waiting for me to deal with these things when I get home or ignoring things that he knows would upset me or just not putting in the effort to be a good partner by choosing to remain oblivious to certain things. The improvement has been nice.

Has anyone else tried AI therapy?

I am really struggling. I really cannot stand my SD (aged 9). Her dad has her 50/50 with her mum and I just dread the days she is due to be here. I am sat here with dread as it’s our week with her.
I have been with her dad 2 years now and it just seems to be getting worse.
Is there a turning point? How do I switch off from caring so much/ letting what she does annoy me so much?
I’m not sure if it’s because I have come in with new rules and expectations and there are still adjustments being made for it to become liveable. But it’s got to a point where I feel like I can’t even put on a brave face the moment she walks through the door and that’s not fair on all of us anymore.

Welp, as I have said before being a stepmom SUCKS!!! Being a stepmom to someone who is a higher functioning autistic, Bipolar, ADD, ODD, narcissistic, manipulative teenager FN SUCKS.

The hubs and have been through it with SD the last 9 years, with therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, inpatient stays, psych drugs that stay locked away and given to SD under supervision. Questioning but allowing SD to try to regain a relationship with bio mom (therapists suggested it, bio mom showed up to the therapy appointments, whatever). Because bio mom had been weaseling her way back in, SD has been pushing me away more. That's fine. I've always been kept around as decoration and a memory tool when doctors or teachers need answers to questions. Hubs has sucked in the backing his wife up department in the past. They both noticed quicker than I expected when I disengaged and told them "just handle it".

Through it all, SD managed to keep hubs wrapped around her little finger 97% of the time. The wrap has been coming undone the last few weeks as some of her academic issues she lied about have came to light. She managed to talk and her promise her way out of some, but then Wednesday night happened, and little girl f*cked up big time.

Since her dad had been crawling her a$$ she does what she always does; " I feel like I want to hurt myself". Okay fine let's go to the hospital. We are in the parking lot and she screams at me "you never listen". I'm like "We've had you in therapy and under psychiatric care for 9 years. We pay for therapy and testing out of pocket. You say you need a break, you get it. You want to go homebound, BOOM, you're homebound. You need help with school work, Im sitting at the table skimming over your work helping you. What are we not hearing?". That just pissed her off more and she reaches towards me. I don't know what she's trying to get to, so I grab her wrist. She manages to hit the button to put the van in park and she jumps out and starts walking to the ER entrance. I put the van in drive to go park, and this little turd steps in front of the van. I was going like 10 mph so I just stopped.

I park and I see her talking to police and I was like "Greeeeeaaaat". I watch her go inside. I get up there and thank God it the guy that is the resource officer from her school. He says "Maaaarrrch, how goes it? Same sh*t different day?" All I can do is shake my head. He says "Let me see your hands" Again, all I can think is "Fuuuuuuu..." I show him my short hands with my vienna sausage fingers and chewed off nails. Officer looks and me and says, "Hubs coming?" I was like "yeah...." Officer says "Okay go home. I'll keep an eye on her till he gets here."

I call hubs tell him. I go home and shower because I wasn't sure when I'd get another because I was sure that little heffer was going to get me locked up. I get woken up 4 hours later by hubs. The resource officer saw EVERYTHING. Heard her screaming at me. Saw her reaching towards me. Saw me grab her by her wrist in defense. Saw her step in front of the van once I started driving again.

SD told anyone who would listen I "grabbed her arm in anger and scratched her and then tried to hit her with our car". Between the Resource officer seeing and hearing everything in the parking lot and video Hubs had from earlier in the day of SD scratching and clawing herself, SD ended up telling them she just wanted to get away from us for the night. She was sorry and she wanted to come home. Instead she got sent to inpatient at a adolescent behavioral center that is more jail than hospital. The police chief is considering charging her with domestic and/or false reporting. Social services has told her that after this, because her dad is disabled, he can sign for her to go to foster care until she turns 18 in 9 months. And her bio mom? Well, she doesn't mind chatting with SD and visiting, but she doesn't want her to live with her.

SD has been pleading with her Dad to talk to me. To please tell me she's sorry. And he did pass her message along to me; my response was "I know she's sorry; now tell her to apologize."

I don't know what is going to happen at the end of this month. I do know I'm going to enjoy every minute of the reality check she is getting!!!

I'm not even sure where to start. I just know that I have the most intense guilt for not liking my SS. He is rude disrespectful, doesn't nothing to help us, doesn't get good grades, has no friends, he's a bully, his own grandparents want nothing to do with him my family now is keeping him at arm's length. And when I say to my husband that I am not his mom, he just says, you signed up for this and he loves you. We've tried every medication possible.We have tried therapists. He took a hammer to his dresser and destroyed it...anger or boredom...don't know and don't care. He had the cops called on him because he keeps putting his hands on other kids. As much as I love my husband I just don't think I can do this for one minute longer. I'm tired of making excuses and saying, he's really a good kid deep down because I don't think he is. I just needed to vent to somebody. Thanks in advance.

Buckle up its a long one but I need some advice. So I (55m) married my wife 48(f) 10 years ago. We each bring 2 kids to our blended family. Some background and I'll try to be as honest and blunt as possible. My wife and Is marriage has always been rocky. She's hard headed and I'm stubborn. Were both know it alls. We genuinely adore each other anyway. She's from west Africa and I'm black American so we've each had unique experiences that shaped up and continue to shape us. Problem is our children. When we first got together her kids were still in Africa. They didn't come over until after we were already married. I haven't been the best step dad emotionally, because I'm really not an emotional person and it's hard to just develop feelings for kids. I have always financially supported them and my wife. She's frigging terrible with money. She's not allowed anywhere near our joint finances because she honestly can't be trusted with money. I think she also feels a level a guilt because she has allowed her kids to get away with anything since they've arrived. Boy came over in elementary school (has since come out as gay and is now trans, all before turning 18). The girl came after she graduated high school there. Came here and went to college for like a year. Dropped out and now at 28 is addicted to weed and can't hold down a job. Literally has issues everywhere she works. Neither of them have friends. Youngest basically stays in her room 18 hours a day and hasn't had a job in years. I was against the whole transitioning thing because I felt they were too young but ultimately her mom agreed to it and of course it was my insurance that pays for it. So the issue now stands at this: we moved into a new house last year, only my name is on it because wife's credit is in the toilet. I pay 80 percent of everything. My children dont live with us (but my youngest may be moving back, they are both grown 23m and 32). We have a gazebo in the house that thr oldest girl uses to go smoke weed. It irritates me that she closes off the gazebo everyday to smoke. I love outdoors but she has completely taken that joy from me. We got into a big argument and she said she deserves to feel comfortable in the house she loves in. Mind you, 28, contributes not a daayumm dime, but is entitled. The youngest is mad at me because she finally has decided to go to school and her bio dad and mom can't cover the cost so they asked me and I said I would loan whatever money they can't cover but she has to get a job to cover her incidental. Now she's telling her mom she doesn't even want to go to school because I'm being mean about money. I'm honestly ready to get a separation but I really do love my wife, just tired of the kids. I would never make her choose because even I would always choose my kids, so it seems like a split is the only option. I grew up with responsibilities, you don't work you don't eat. I raised kids and now I feel like I'm being forced to raise adults. I'm becoming unhappy in my own home and that's intolerable for me. Did I mention they don't contribute shit. How do you get opinions when you don't contribute. My wife says I've never made them feel wanted. I counter with don't i provide a fuggin roof over their head. My wife honestly tried to be a pesce maker but the stress is eating her up also. Unless I'm ready to let grown ass children have free reign I don't see any other way beyond separation. Thanks for letting me vent and I appreciate any advice.

I am a nacho, or at least I try to be. My SO is a chaotic person who never thinks further than a day ahead.

Make sure the dog has food? Water, vaccines. That his daycare is handled … that’s me. And that is fine it is my dog. But I count on him to be home certain days and then he makes plans, forgets to tell me and I have to drop everything to make sure my dog isn’t home alone all day.

We talk about it, he says he’ll do better and he doesn’t. I now have a calendar on the fridge but it is still me doing the planning and making sure I know what is happening. It is exhausting because I am a diagnosed ADHD girly and managing my own chaos is already a full time job!

Anyway… every Sunday… I repeat EVERY SUNDAY. SS has training for his sport. They have to get up quite early but SS is adopting a teenager sleep pattern.
My SO also loves to sleep in.

In the past I would have woken them up, have their breakfast ready because they were so slow to get up, lend my car because SO’s was empty and being the only reason SS gets to the training. SO LOVES to bash in BM if she misses one because “ she is lazy” but he has not been missing any because of ME !

So far I have made sure the car is not empty, there is breakfast available, but here I am seeing the clock slowly run past their time to leave and nobody is up yet. I have told SO to set an alarm… but nothing yet.

For real… I am not the one who does this sport. I am not a parent and it feels like I have two kids!

I am now fighting the urge to go and get them up.
I always get a “ it was not your responsibility but still you did it, Thank you so much you are the best” but sir? I don’t want to. Stop making me the planner of this family.

I can’t imagine women dealing with this every day.
Why can’t men just grow tf up?
Again I have massive ADHD and I am a functioning adult. Why do I need to run everything?
Lets see if I can find the strength to let them sleep.

UPDATE: it is pretty funny.
I was able to prevent the dog from getting my SO out of bed in time. MY! dog prefers my SO and was kinda waiting for his morning cuddles. After the departure time I didn’t stop my dog from getting him out of bed.
He came upstairs groggily and went in to make himself coffee… okay petty besties, especially for you guys I didn’t ask him if he knew what time it was…

While his coffee was brewing he realized the time, this triggered a full on panic and he even asked me “ did you know it was this late?” I just kept gaming.
He and SS got ready in record time but they will be late. SS was already stressed out because the trainer will be angry.

They are out the door now and my house is pretty quiet.
The dog is kinda miffed because he missed out on the coffee and cuddle ritual he usually has with my so…
My cuddles will have to do 🤣

hi. im in need of an outside perspective because i feel like i’m hitting my breaking point, and idk if i’m being unreasonable or if this is actually a problem.

my partner has two boys that stay with us (10m and 6m) and another son (9m) from a previous relationship who is also here part of the time. so there’s a lot going on with the kids in the house.
the issue is the lack of structure around sleep + the constant noise.

from what i understand, when their mom and dad were together, especially during summers, there wasn’t really a set bedtime. they’d just stay up until they fell asleep naturally. that pattern seems to still be what they’re used to.

during the day, i can deal with normal kid noise. that’s not the issue. but it doesn’t really stop. they’re upstairs playing basketball starting around 8–9am and that continues on and off all day.

the problem for me is that it doesn’t stop at night either. they’re still running around, playing, making noise, etc. at like 11pm, midnight, sometimes even 1–2am. last night they didn’t fall asleep until around 2am.

it’s not constant noise but it’s enough that there’s basically no quiet time in the house at all and it’s starting to mess with me mentally. i feel overstimulated and like i can never fully relax in my own space without wearing noise canceling headphones. which i sometimes can't do because we have a infant (she's 11 months old) who i need to be present emotionally for. so when she sleeps which is usually for about an hour & a half to 2 hours they're loud upstairs.

i haven't brought this issue up to my partner because i believe that intuitively he knows that i don't want his sons here at all, maybe to visit but not live here. when he's at work, they're here with me so im usually the one that deals with the noise. my partner is also dealing with a custody dispute right now and i think he’s hesitant to enforce stricter rules because he doesn’t want to upset the kids or have them prefer their mom’s house.

i’m trying to be understanding but i’m also starting to feel like this isn’t sustainable for me. im trying to even see if this is a something that i can even tolerate long term wise. as someone who's neurodivergent, i get overwhelmed very easily and it makes me incredibly irritable to where i shut down for hours or until i get regulate myself again.

has anyone dealt with this? is this just a “welcome to step parenting” thing where i need to adjust, or is this actually a boundary/parenting structure issue with my partner?

I was told that I'm too clingy and there's no way my gf could show me as much affection as I was asking for because she's too busy with the kids. This made me become lonely in my own house and like my emotions and feelings were just and afterthought. I was told that me constantly talking about my feelings was stressing her out even though I was just trying to vent and have an open and honest communication system with her. I was basically told that im a grown man and these are kids so I was left to just deal with these emotions alone. Has this happened to anyone else? Am I in the wrong for expecting these things from her? I feel like im not asking for much.

Im new here so apologies for not knowing all the abbreviations. I have a few questions

1. for context I’ve always been unsure about wanting kids. But thought I could do it for the right person. I never in my wildest dreams imagined the right person would have kids. I now think and mourn the reality of IF I end up having them I will constantly feel like it’s not special since he’s already been through this twice with his ex wife. From pregnancy to birth, to first milestones, etc. And I’m sure with pregnancy hormones things will just feel worse. Has anyone ever had kids and felt like it really wasn’t special. Did yalls mind constantly go to the past and how they’ve already been through all this?

2. to piggy back off that question, did having kids make you feel any closer to your SK? Knowing they are related to your kid? (I do not love my stepkids and don’t think I’ll ever get there but it does make me wonder if I’ll somehow feel closer to them)

3. I’m very interested in the nacho method (I actually just found out this was a thing). Again I’m providing context so yall can see why I’m conflicted and feeling a bit guilty about it. But here’s my dilemma. My partner takes care of everything, mortgage, bills, including my car (which he does get an incentive for through his job so there’s practically no monthly payment for that). I work FT and take care of the groceries and household items and essentials. My biggest financial contribution would probably be that I’ve bought all the furniture for this house which is quite a few since it’s a 6 bedroom home. He makes a little over 4x what I make so he’s well off. With all that being said and due to all those reasons I feel like I have a responsibility to take care of his kids and I have been with no complaints (even though the youngest makes it very difficult but that’s a whole other story) but lately it’s been REALLY hard for me to deal with the youngest and there was an incident that happened recently that has really made me want to back off. We get them every other weekend and they’re 10 & 13 and he works Saturday as well so I’m stuck with them all day. So how can I completely remove myself from dealing with the kids at all?? Or is it just not possible given my circumstances? I pick them up most of the time and the mom lives an hour away so that’s getting really annoying. Anyways. I appreciate all advice that you may give on any of my questions.

My oldest stepson(14) has been trying to cause problems between my husband and me. A few days ago, he and his dad got into an argument over something dumb. My stepson has problems with emotional regulation( this is something we’re working on with him) and the fight quickly escalated. My husband stepped away to try to calm down and I was left with my stepson. I was talking to him and trying to calm him down when he told me that my husband had been drinking again( he hadn’t) and smoking( he hadn’t). Later, he admitted that he said these things to get me angry with his dad so the heat would be off him, it didn’t work.

It’s just such a slap in the face that he would be willing to ruin other people’s lives just because he was upset about being in trouble. I asked him if he thought about the long term consequences of his actions and he admitted he didn’t, he just wanted someone else to be in trouble so he didn’t have to be.

I honestly don’t know what to do now. Every-time I think about it, I get upset. I can’t look at my stepson without thinking about how he was willing to cause issues between me and his dad for his own selfish reasons. I’m trying to forgive and move past this so we can clear the tension between us, but I haven’t been able to.

I (26F) am married, and my husband has a son with his ex. They share 50/50 custody, but they’ve had a long custody battle and their relationship is extremely strained.
My husband believes she made false allegations against him during their custody case and put our family through a lot of stress, emotionally and financially. Because of that, he wants absolutely nothing to do with her outside of what’s legally necessary for their son. He doesn’t want to have conversations with her unless they’re about their child, he doesn’t want her at our house, and he has no interest in ever having a friendship or even being around her socially. I completely understand why he feels that way and have supported him throughout everything.
The only conflict she and I have ever had was at daycare. I was picking up my stepson during our parenting time, and while I was there I asked about enrolling my own daughter because it would have made transportation easier for our family.
She thought I was trying to discuss her son with the daycare or involve myself in decisions about him, which wasn’t true. During the exchange, my stepson was crying and reaching for me because it was our time to pick him up, and I think that understandably made the situation more emotional.
Since then, though, she and I have gotten along.
I got to know her outside of the conflict between her and my husband. We were both single moms, and I empathize with that. I don’t want to be best friends, and I completely respect my husband’s boundary that she isn’t welcome in our home. I just want to have a respectful relationship for the sake of my stepson.
Recently, she, the kids, and I spent the day together, and everyone genuinely had a great time.
The problem is that my husband was hurt by it.
Not because he thinks anything inappropriate is happening, but because, to him, she’s someone who caused him a tremendous amount of pain. He feels she lied about him, dragged him through court, and created trauma that he’s still trying to move past. After I admitted I’d been feeling insecure because she takes up so much emotional space in our lives, he reassured me that he loves me and has no desire to ever be with her again. But he also admitted that seeing me become friendly with someone who hurt him is painful.
Now I feel stuck.
I don’t want hostility if it can be avoided because I think it’s healthier for my stepson when the adults in his life can be respectful toward each other. At the same time, I never want my husband to feel like I’m minimizing his experiences or disrespecting his boundaries.
So where’s the line? Is it okay for me to have a cordial relationship with my stepson’s mom while respecting that my husband wants nothing to do with her, or is that unfair to him?

My wife’s 12-year-old daughter and I have always had a rocky relationship. I do a lot for her — plane tickets, driving her to cheer, buying things — but she treats me like a second-class citizen. She’s happy to take but refuses to share anything with me.
Two quick examples from the last two days:
• I gave my biological daughter a Clif Bar. Stepdaughter got upset, said they were “her” bars and she only had two left. I told her I’d buy more tomorrow but she just kept complaining.
• Today we had off-brand sparkling water from Target she didn’t like. I said I’d drink it. She literally told me she didn’t want me to have it, like she was planning to throw it out instead of letting me drink it.
I finally told my wife that if her daughter doesn’t change this behavior, she’s not coming on our trip at the end of the month. Wife says I’m overreacting, that I “yell” and come down too hard. When she does talk to her daughter, the kid just says “I don’t care” and “I’m not gonna keep doing it,” and my wife throws her hands up and says “I can’t force her, what do you want me to do?”
I’m tired of being treated like a walking ATM who doesn’t deserve basic respect or even a sip of sparkling water. I know I should address things in the moment instead of letting them build up — that part’s on me. But how do I get my wife to actually set real boundaries, and how do I talk to my stepdaughter directly without making everything worse? Any advice from people who’ve been here would mean a lot.

Hi. My husband and I have been separated for 2 and a half months now. He wants a divorce, but I don’t. I wanted reconciliation, but it seems highly unlikely now. We have three kids that are 4 and under. We have been together for 10 years. All he’s told me as to why he didn’t want to be with me anymore is that he’s been unhappy our entire marriage, and he wanted separation after an intake and 2 counseling sessions. My therapist was telling me about how she has to do 5 of everything: 5 Christmases, 5 birthdays, 5 thanksgivings, etc. because she and her husband both come from divorced families. All that keeps spiraling in my head is thinking about how I’ll have the kids for a holiday, then I’ll take them to my parents’, then I would eventually take them to my new husband’s parents’, then my ex husband would have them, then he would take them to his parents’, then he would eventually take them to his new wife’s parents’, and so on for every single event or holiday. It just makes me so sad. I didn’t really have a great family growing up, so I wanted to give my kids better. I’ve been asked out by a couple of people since we separated, but I’ve said no to each person. I’m honestly not sure if I’ll be ready to date for a long, long, long time. I thought my husband was my person. But I know down the road, eventually, I will want to be remarried and find someone to spend the rest of my life with and have someone to help me raise the kids and have a healthy, stable household with. I could really use some success stories here from stepparents…Of loving the kids like your own, finding love again if applicable to you, etc. or just general advice for this incredibly rough period. TIA.

My husband shares 50/50 custody Of SS (5). However things don’t feel very 50/50. Before I start, I would like to clarify that this is not a complaint at the end of the day. What matters is that SS is set with what he needs.

As it stands, my husband pays child support, covers the cost of extracurricular activities and then some. Last year BM registered SS for preschool without letting my husband know until the very last moment (they went to court over this as she violated their custody agreement) so we were left scrambling trying to get his supplies get in contact with teachers figure out his classroom and all these things. So in short, we paid for all his supplies. So now this year, he will be going into kindergarten here in the fall, and I asked my husband who would be in charge of buying his school supplies this year. His automatic reply was it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to let my son go to school without supplies just because his mom won’t buy it for him. And that seems to be his response when it comes to anything which don’t get me wrong to an extent I agree because it’s definitely not SS fault that bio mom does not want to be responsible for really anything financial. But also it kind of takes a toll when we’re having to cover things that are our responsibility when he’s here as well as things that are his mom’s responsibility when he’s there.

To put things into perspective and help you understand why this is frustrating. During preschool there were events or activities that parents needed to supply things for whether that was snacks or supplies or whatever it may be when it was our week and we happen to get a notification for something going on on BM’s week we would go to the store purchase whatever was needed and send it with SS. The only reason for this was because there were many times where we would find out that SS couldn’t or didn’t participate in something because BM didn’t do her part. So not only did we have to purchase things on our week that we were responsible for, but we also had to do it for her.

And this kind of expands into SS day-to-day life. He is growing very fast so we are constantly buying him clothes and shoes and just all the little extras that he needs. And from what we have seen in the last year, she hasn’t purchased him any new things he’s always being sent to us with extremely tight and ill fitting clothes and shoes so when we send him back to bio mom, we send him with things we have gotten him along with the clothes that bio mom sent him in to us, in his bag. but then she keeps those things and we are left again having to purchase more things. And I say we because I constantly am buying HER son things with my money that I work for so to me it’s a little more frustrating when she keeps the things that I worked hard to buy for him and then again get left with nothing for him.

So I’m just curious what has worked for others? Am I out of line for wanting my husband to reach out to BM asking if she would be willing to alternate years for his school supplies? Not because we need the help but just to establish more accountability and also just for us to know exactly what we need to do For the following years while SS is in school.

Hi everyone. I have a wonderful stepdaughter who my husband has primary custody of. Her mom has visits 2 times a week for 2 hours each and also has 30 minute phone calls every evening. While we were dating her mother was non-existent in her life, with maybe 1 phone call a week and a visit once a month, maybe. My SD was extremely depressed about this and I have, multiple times, held her as she cried about her mom. As soon as me and my husband were engaged, her mom decided she wanted to uphold her court ordered visitation. That wasn't an issue. SD has been in therapy this whole time to come to terms with her parents breaking up, they weren't married, and navigating having 2 step brothers and a step mom.

The issues are that her mother continues to put herself in situations that harm her daughter's mental health. She refuses to work, has convinced her daughter that my husband should be taking care of her, and has even told her daughter to bully my oldest son until he finally went to school and told them what was happening because he didn't think we would believe that 6 year old was bullying him because he is 11.

She has lived in 5 different places, none her own, and is currently living in an unlivable building with her current boyfriend. It's so bad that we cannot allow SD to go there and told her mom that she has to come pick her up and take her to a park or something instead.

She is now falling back into her habits of not seeing SD on her visitation days, lying about coming to see her, and hasn't been calling or staying in contact with my husband about visits or phone calls.

My SD is depressed, diagnosed and currently in therapy, and had abandonment issues, also diagnosed, from her mom doing this same thing when her and my husband split. Her mom blames in on her mental health. I have told her that she needs to get help then so she doesn't cause the same issues for her daughter, but she won't listen. She doesn't believe what she is doing is wrong and husband wants to take her back to court because of the inconsistent behavior, the fact that she's living in a place that could be considered condemned, and for multiple other issues.

I just don't know what to do. I love my SD very much and I just want what is best for her. I have never tried to replace her mom, but I don't treat her any differently than my bio children. I want to understand this woman and help her understand what she is doing mentally to her child, but she doesn't listen. I've tried, my husband has tried, even her own mother has tried and she blocked her on everything. She doesn't understand how she is hurting her child. I don't want her to lose her daughter, but it's coming to the point where it is becoming neglect, both emotionally and physically. I just need advice on how to help her either understand, or how to be there for my SD if it comes to a family court thing.

I feel so guilty. I have struggled for years with not enjoying when my stepsons are with us. We have them 50/50, although in the first two years it was more like 75/25 and they were with ME specifically a lot, since husband was at work and I worked from home. It used to be that the stepkids’s Mom would ask us to take them on a lot of her days and also just assumed I was fine with them staying with us extra time since I was at home. I hated it. My one stepson has extreme behavior and potty issues… like shits his pants out of laziness and defiance as a way to show control. It’s awful. He’s 9 years old. We have had him in therapy for years, he’s been evaluated several times by therapists and psychologists to make sure there was no sexual trauma or trauma in general. Nope. He’s perfectly fine when he’s getting to do what he wants to do, but apparently has been doing this since about age 3 which is way before I met him. I met him at age 6. He’s very manipulative and whines a lot. He’s a thundercloud of a person to be around. I wish it were different, but I’m exhausted from dealing with the constant poo messes. He refuses to clean up after himself and will leave his dirty pull ups on the ground for the dogs to get into. Then the dog smells like shit, the kid smells like shit because he won’t shower off unless we TELL him to, the dogs trail it all over the house, it’s just insane. So I finally lost my shit about this situation back in April. Started therapy over it. It’s easy to say “why don’t you let your husband deal with it” and the answer is because he’s at work during the day, and when the kids are on summer break or school breaks or home sick, it’s all on me. He’s exhausted from this situation too. Understandably. So anyways, I let him know back in April that I was thiiis close to moving out until he gets the kid acting right and not leaving shit filled diapers everywhere. I said that from now on, unless he’s home, the kids need to go to their MOM’S house when they have breaks. Which I felt guilty about because he’s my husband and I WANT to be there for him and help, but I was at my wit’s end with the poop mess. He understood.

Well, now it’s getting close to time for the kids to head back to school in 4 weeks. I found out that he and the stepkids’ mom have decided that the stepkids will live with mom and stepdad during the school week and every other weekend. We will go from 50/50 to only every other weekend. I feel terrible for my husband. I feel guilty because I know that it’s partially because of me and me not wanting to be a primary caretaker, that my husband will have less time with the kids. But it has to be either we have them for school days or the mom does, because both we AND mom/stepdad moved in the past year. We are now an hour and 20 mins away from each other, so the 50/50 split isn’t feasible with dropping off/picking up the kids from two different schools for either of us when we also have to get to work by a certain time. ONE set of us would be driving an hour and 15 mins out of the way if we tried to keep the 50/50 schedule. Court isn’t involved and never has been, as my husband and his ex coparent very well and everything is super cordial between the parents/stepparents. I’ve asked my husband if he’s sad, but he said that he and the mom both knew that eventually, this was bound to have to happen if they both moved. But I just feel bad knowing that I’m probably a big part of why my husband let the mom have the majority custody. I truly couldn’t handle having the kids most of the time though, if that’s what it came down to. I adore my husband but his kids exhaust me. They both constantly expect everything to be done for them, they have no real responsibilities, they whine and cry and fight with each other. They don’t clean up after themselves ever. They lie to me and to their Dad. They’ve thrown things at me before. They’re 9.5 and 11. Too old to act the way that they do.

Idk what I’m trying to get out of posting here, but this is the only place I can talk about being an overwhelmed stepmom. I’ve tried so hard to love them like my own children (I don’t have any bio kids of my own) but they make it so hard. I feel happy about seeing them less and the guilt over that is eating me alive. Any advice or words of wisdom anyone wants to share are more than welcome. ❤️‍🩹

How do you deal with insecurity when you’re dating a parent who has a good relationship with their co-parent? I absolutely want what’s best for his child, but I can sometimes get stuck in my head when they spend time together as family. For example, when they have a family dinner for Mother’s Day. I’ve never dated someone with a kid before so this is all new to me. Any advice?

I have been with my partner for 5 yrs now and as long as we’ve been together his daughter has lived In the states with her mom and we’ve only seen her a few times a year. This past month his daughter has moved in with us full time , she is a great kid(head strong, but respectful and kind). I do not have any issues with her at all , we are actually starting to bond well!
I am just struggling a lot more to this adjustment than I thought I would. We live in a single wide trailer , so there is barely any space. I don’t feel comfortable being in my living room and stretching out anymore which had left me hanging out in my room most of the time , alone. My relationship with my partner has changed 10 fold. I know we need more space but can’t really afford to upgrade yet.

I feel selfish for having troubles with this change because the reason our step daughter is here is because she’s having issues with her crazy mom and I feel like I need to be the adult thats here to help her . just feel like I can’t be comfortable in my own house anymore.

Will this change ? Any advice on how to get past this feeling ?

I had a whole post written out, but reddit ate it because I had drafted it at work, and the damn screen refreshed when I pulled the app back up. Fun times. If it's disjointed I'm sorry. The stress gave me a headache and I've barely slept these last two days.

Anyways. Long story short, SD14 took away BK4's dinner (the nuggets portion) and gave it to SS9 and SS8 because the nuggets "weren't BK4's."

SD14 is under the impression that *any* food her dad buys will belong solely to her and her brothers, even though her dad (my partner) has never forbade BK4 (my child from a previous relationship) from partaking in the food and snacks that he buys. This isn't to say that I don't also provide food, I do. (In fact, SD14 asked for some of the apples I just brought home from the store to divvy up between her and her brothers for a pre dinner snack, even though dinner was less than 10 minutes away at the time she asked.) But my partner is a huge Costco fan and does the vast majority of his shopping there. This means a lot of the meal and snack items are bought in bulk, which means he has always been able to share some of that with BK4 without hurting his own food budget.

It's actually been a frequent argument/issue between my partner and SD14, actually, because he wants her to share whatever snacks he buys with BK4. Meanwhile, SD14 will frequently "forget" this and only give the snacks to herself and her brothers. He's constantly on her case about not excluding BK4 from access to snacks.

Anyways. My older BK is visiting, and I didn't clarify that when she was making nuggets for BK4, that she needed to make the ones in the red bag as those were the ones I bought. So instead, she grabbed nuggets from the purple bag since it was already opened, and cooked those for her sister.

Not 30 seconds after BK4 was given the nuggets to go with her apple and I left the room, BK4 starts screaming and crying. Why? Because *the moment I left the room*, SD14 went into the kitchen (assuming for the reason of making dinner for herself and her brothers), scooped the nuggets off my child's plate, and quickly distributed them to her brothers. Only then did she throw a new batch of nuggets from the red bag into the microwave for BK4.

BK4 was extremely distraught at her food being taken from her and had no idea what was going on. SD14 doesn't see why I was so furious. I told her if she's worried about everything being "even", to just take some nuggets from the red bag to feed her brothers with. But *don't* take food from my child, much less without having a replacement immediately ready to offer.

I got so angry that I had to step away and get my partner involved. When I told him the story, he stormed out and disciplined SD14 verbally for her actions.

This isn't the first time she's taken food from BK4 either. I can't give BK4 any snacks without letting SD14 know I gave BK4 permission to have said snacks, otherwise she has a habit of snatching them away under the belief that BK4 somehow managed to get said snacks without permission.

When my partner finished chastising SD14 (who acted confused on why her dad was angry to begin with, much less me), I finally broke down and told him (in the privacy of our room) that I couldn't do this anymore. That I was tired of having to hide food and never being able to use the kitchen without being harassed or having mine and my children's food stolen. He knows I buy extra bags of nuggets for his kids to make up for what BK4 eats when I'm not home, but I also can't afford to keep replacing meals and snacks that I budget out for my child (or children, when older BK visits) and myself just because his kids do nothing but sneak food and gorge themselves. Seeing my BK4 (who has a cognitive delay) be that distraught (and rightfully so) over her food being taken from her broke me. It also took away any doubt of wondering if this is the right situation for me. It's not the right situation for me. It's not a fair situation to my BKs either. Especially since I can see BK4 starting to develop anxiety over mealtime, between SD14 removing food from her possession due to a misunderstanding, or one of the boys just straight up snatching food from her.

All of this frustration bubbled over. He looked upset and only asked when I intended to move out. I said before the end of the month. I left out the part about already having found a place and the lease being signed. It was enough emotional turmoil for him to realize I was serious about leaving, plus given the history, I wanted to play it safe. I think he was hoping I'd wait until more of my family moves up here in October, but I told him I can't wait that long. I have too much going on right now, and I need my own space.

So yeah. Going to be on high alert now I guess, since the facade of everything being okay has finally broken down. 11 more days and I'll finally have a kitchen where I can safely cook and store food for me and my BKs. 11 more days and I can finally get my fucking cortisol levels down.

If you read this far, thanks. I drafted this mess over my lunch break because I'm too stressed and nauseous to eat.