u/SeaworthinessSafe697

Hi I (36F) have one bio son and have been married to DH (37) for three years. All our kids go to the same private school. It’s my sons last year before he goes to high school 🎉 so that’s another conundrum revolving pickup drop off for my SK’s (SS and SD in elementary/barely middle still).
Anyway here is my dilemma that I can see coming a MILE away but neither DH or BM can comprehend just yet.
This is the first year BM is in bussing distance and put herself down for bussing for kids before we could. She does not work. SAHM idk why she did it but she did it without asking
I work. DH works.
We rely on bussing to get all kids to school and due to the length (90 mins!) of the shuttling back bus at dismissal one of us has to cut work early to pickup kids.
So far it has always been me.
So that becomes a problem next year when I pick up my son (bio dad uninvolved) and that’s it for the SK’s unfortunately. At least IMHO I think cutting into my work schedule ability for years beyond when my son is done attending that school is a big ask especially when I’ve done it the past two years.
The school has latchkey.

My CURRENT issue is coming next Monday-Friday. It’s our week with the kids. The SK’s are NOT listed on our bussing app as being able to take same bus as bio son to school from our house. I checked today.

I cannot drive them in. I am a med student in practicum all fall. DH called bussing to straighten it out but in the app it still has them only being picked up from BM’s.

Sure I can do pickup I kinda have to since my own bio son is there. But drop off? I have work….. there is a reason why they rode the bus the past two years.

I’m at a loss. I want to tell DH “hey there’s a good chance your kids will be SOL on Monday because I can’t drive them due to work.”
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to have DH or BM figure it tf out 🤷‍♀️ y’all claim to coparent and if she made the oopsie she can drive, get them, take them to school because I’m cutting into work enough for every day pickup.

Am I being unreasonable?

Adding (I am premenopausal and ragey and my practicum is oncology so I’m brain dead 💀 with my degree and practicum coming up- it’s very important to me and needs to take my utmost attention) thus me being utterly done with BM for doing this cause it lands on me 😅😅😅😅 I feel like the only one yelling “iceberg!!!” and no one’s listening to me here. Should it happen and I have to drive them, I will not. That’s my limit. That’s my solid 🙂‍↔️ NOPE figure it out guys 🤷‍♀️

I’ve seen a recurring theme throughout posts on this community. Hygiene and SD’s particularly around puberty age.
Why is this so common and being fed into by BM??? Has anyone successfully seen their SD transition out of this gross phase and what did it finally take for that to happen ??

SD is 11 and has yet to get her period but all other symptoms have me thinking it’ll happen soon. I think I dread it more than she does. For the record she is neurotypical and had good hygiene as a child when I came into the picture years ago.

Apparently HCBM is absentminded at best and neglectful at worst. We had an incident recently where SD didn’t brush her teeth for a week and lied about it! We found out because she had lost her toothbrush and didn’t think to ask for another/grab one from the pack of new ones in the closet.
Another incident that’s ongoing is consistently poopy underwear. Like- more than an accidental racing stripe- sorry to be descript I can’t say it nicely.

That and she doesn’t wash her hair thoroughly or brush it, or she’ll brush the top and leave the rest.

She’s seen a therapist for two years now with no results. Her confidence is gone and getting worse since she’s seen this therapist. I told DH about possibly changing therapists but right now she only goes on mom’s time since DH agrees it’s not helping her. She hangs out with one particular friend who is similarly unkempt.

For me, growing up Hispanic (SK’s are not) we had expectations. I have a debilitating anxiety disorder but still I was expected to be clean at all times and dress appropriately, wear appropriate undergarments and have my hair neat no matter the style. I know SD will feel more confident if she puts the effort in but I’m about ready to NACHO and look the other way when she goes out embarrassingly unkempt.

DH is on it but not as harsh as he needs to be imho. Whenever they talk it’s a hostage negation with him as hostage. A simple “you need to go change your clothes have dirt on them” turns into half a hour of her sulking in her room before trying to run out the door last minute still in dirty clothes. We’re often late to things because she does this, gets caught and Dh has to tell her to go change again.

Help? On the bright side she’s in a different class this year from this friend. I think a bit of positive peer pressure will help her more than we can. She sees the therapist at school for anxiety and we like him a lot better, at the end of last year we saw some progress with her.