r/Stepmom

For context he is sick, he has a man cold and has been weak for the last 2 days.

But today he went to sign at the notary and finalized him buying his ex out if the house we currently live in. He came back with such a long face because 1. He is sick 2. It means his debt and mortgage is now a little higher and he is stressed about money.

These are completely valid reasons to be feeling down. I just wish there was a little more celebrations about what I think is a step towards us building our life, home ownership obviously comes at the cost of great debt, but if thats all what it is about, whats the point of even owning a home if you cant be a little happy that you own property.

Maybe its just me

Recently, my husband and I have been talking, baby #3. People always buy those cute little announcements saying baby number #2 or whatever number you're on. Would it make sense if i posted saying baby #2 on the way, whatever we have another baby? Technically, we have three because of my stepdaughter, but it would be my second baby.

From what I've gathered from reading various related subreddits to this one, you're not a 'real' step mom until you marry. Once you get married his kids with another/other woman/women become your responsibility. No one should be held primarily responsible for children that aren't theirs and if marraige defines that responsibility, I will not be signing up.

I've seen countless posts of women who own their houses marrying a man with kids and it being expected that home they purchased with the intention of building their life in be made to fit their partners needs when that partner has other kids. The common theme seems to be lazy men who move into these spaces and then have no motivation to provide what is actually needed to provide for their children, yes we have partner problems.

There is the argument that more information is available, the new partners 'should' be able to see these men aren't caring for the kids they already have in the correct way. Love truly can blind a person and each person has their own sob story and it's not a horrible trait to want to give someone the benefit of the doubt, we're making the same mistakes at the end of the day by wanting to see potential in a person we care(d) about.

Well, I own my own small 2br home and I am pregnant to my SO and he is well aware he has another child who needs a space with him. He has his custody time through his parents house (as they continue to enable him) and all his mail is sent to that address. He does pay for a portion of utilities and groceries for this home, I see that as being an adult. As an adult utilizing resources, you contribute or you must leave. My child will have my other bedroom and I am making a nursery and no one will change my mind about this.

Thank you to the community here and those who brigade it because now I will never marry my partner and plan to retain my autonomy to make decisions about my home and who lives here. Its scary to think that I almost gave up my rights to my property by signing a piece of paper that honestly means nothing to me, you can love someone without a contract. My child will have a bedroom.

Does all this mean I don't love his child? I don't personally think so. I care for her and we take her places and I buy her gifts and treat her with love and kindness, however have placed boundaries around what I and willing to accept. I can love her and show her love without sacrificing what's best for myself and my child. She has two parents who put her first and my child has two parents as well. If I don't prioritize my own child, no one else will. This baby has the right to be #1 to me.

These posts of women being berated for wanting to give their own child a room in a home they own because a step needs/wants it are sad to me and I refuse that life.

Yes, I have a partner problem and I acknowledge that and make it aware to my SO. I hold the boundary that it is his responsibility to provide a space for his children and I get 'my share' of support by what he contributes here - but I won't be marrying him.

Whether or not our relationship will last depends on if he steps up for his children.

Step child asked if I would be a stay at home mom after I give birth and it was hard not to laugh. 'Who do you think pays my bills?' I asked, the response was 'my dad.' They have asked me this multiple times so I had to know the answer to this question, thankfully he backed me up and said there's no way he could afford that​. 'Where will MY room be in your home?' Well, your father needs to provide a space large enough for all of us to live together and please do continue to ask him this question. It is time for him to be accountable to his child as I won't be the scapegoat anymore. I don't know where these beliefs came from in the first place, but there needed to be some correction as I am not taking anything from step child or their father.

Step child has things exactly as they existed before I came along and it is her father's job to prioritize her and provide for her. I understand he has other priorities and I emotionally support that, but I won't be financially supporting it.

Before you judge me for not helping my partner, know that I hold the belief that owning two cars is a luxury and one that should be sacrificed if your children do not have a home with you. I won't sacrifice when the bio parent does not and I think that's perfectly fine. Each child has a strong woman providing a home for them and a loser father doing the bare minimum.

Thank you if you read my rant!

Hi I’m a stepmom and I have to say sometimes I love being a stepmom and there’s times I don’t. I have three biological kids but they’re not with me as much and my two stepkids. Me and my husband have them full time bc mom lost custody of them years back and she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. The kids were in danger in her custody and my husband got custody then I came into the picture. I do all the work a mom would do. I’m not just a stepmom in this situation and I’ve been with dad a couple years now but the hardest thing to hear was a conversation my husband and her were having. She said that I was JUST a stepmom she’s only been in my life for two years. My husband defended in me saying that’s super hurtful to say about her. What is she? Just chopped liver? And I can’t say this might be the most hurtful thing to hear and it makes me wanna pull away from being mom and actually stepping into the stepmom role. A part of I admit wanted her to actually consider me more of her mom than her biological. Time frame and all that doesn’t matter how long I’ve been in her life. The truth is their mom is not coming back mentally. What they knew of their mom isn’t there anymore. I understand how hard this situation is on the kids but now I just feel taken advantage of and under appreciated. How did you guys tackle the feeling “second best “ feeling?

Here to vent because I can’t voice this out loud in my home. HCBM moved across the country, left SS age 7, we were granted full custody. SS is on the spectrum and has been regressing/ having low self esteem due to the fact that HCBM took SS’s younger half sibling. This has made SS think that half sibling is the “favorite” and he has been showing a lot of emotion. Well HCBM has a social media business/platform and has continued to tell her clients/followers that she still has SS. Even made AI family photos of them traveling across the country during her move. Today she announced to her clients that she can’t fulfill their current orders due to lack of funds because she has to support and feed her kids. She hasn’t sent a dime our way, she wants to pay for her lifestyle and live the high life but not work hard for it. She moved out of pure selfishness. She profits off SS and his disability. It’s disgusting and the fact that she’s telling her followers that she still has her son in her custody is beyond sick and shameful. I work a job, go to law school, and am the caregiver for SS while she lives her best life across the country rent free with her mom. Just want to scream at how gross this woman is.

I’m just going to bullet point all this to help organize my thoughts and facts but please help!!

• household is my husband, me, stepdaughter (11) and our son (2)
• we have 50/50 custody of stepdaughter
• we claim her every other year on taxes
• MOTHER ACCIDENTALLY claimed 2 years in a row (paid us the cash back for her accident), and this upcoming year is her year so it will look like she claimed her 3 years in a row
• we have to switch to a new insurance which is also an HSA plan
• we cover stepdaughter on insurance
• I am unsure who makes more between my husband and her and don’t want to open that can of worms, there is no child support involved

Are we eligible to use our HSA money on her medical bills???? I can not understand these rules

Hi all,

Does anyone have tried and successful methods for telling HCBM about our bio baby.

She was really manipulative and angry the first 2-3 years. Things have calmed down somewhat the last couple of years, but there are still flares. She mostly ignores me and says shit to my partner.

He is concerned that this will restart a very negative spiral again, wants to do everything in the most respectful way and take the high ground.

Should it be done in person, or over the phone?

She has a history of spoiling surprises to the kids if we tell her first so there's that to consider.

We want this to be positive for the kids and not get tarnished.

Any stories out there with helpful advice?

Thank you x

My SK (9) is getting older and needed some help with girl things and she wanted me to help her instead of her own mom. While I’m (27) happy to help some things I don’t feel adequately equipped to help with as my own mom was hardly around during times like such when I was younger. I realize this could eventually become bigger like when menstruation starts and more. I’m a little anxious as I’m happy she felt comfortable to come to me but also nervous that I have to figure out the best path for teaching. I wasn’t counting on her mom not being a safe place. I personally never wanted children of my own and this is the first serious relationship I’ve had where I have dated a man with a child as I know children can be a lot to handle. I wanted to be sure me and her father worked out before meeting her when we first began dating. It’s been 5 years now together and 4 years watching her grow up. Im not sure what to do as I cannot change her mom but I am struggling with the “motherly” things when it comes to issues as such. My family was just blunt and my mom was patient and helpful but it’s been a process as the way her father wants to raise her and do things is drastically different than my own experiences, and I was much older when issues arose. Any and all help is deeply appreciated as I’m trying to figure it out. Lately she’s been wanting to stay with us instead of going to her mom for weekends like she normally does so I’m starting to see her feelings now and as long as her mom agrees she can stay with us during the weekend and does not have to visit her mom, we just make sure we get everything in writing.

My SD17 is a senior. Today was basically her last "longer days with us." By next year,there will probably be no more days or her coming over. The thought of that scares me but, I have no control as I am just the step mom. Her dad loves her with everything. I won't say he was the perfect dad but, I know he would do anything for her. I have a feeling since she is a senior, she might want to make the decision to not do weekends anymore here. She doesn't like conflict and doesn't like arguing so she won't say the words to him but, I know it's how she's feeling as she has told me mulitple times she hates the "parent time." Her and my husband have gotten into multiple arguments over parent time. She also has once told me that she deals with her dad because, it's her dad. The mother has always been the "Good and fun" parent. All her friends go over to her mom's house and her mom is her best friend. Am I jealous of their relationship? Ill admir probably as I can't have kids so I will never have a mother bond with a child except being a step mom. They have their own family at her moms and as she was growing up, they would use the mom's married name with her instead of our last name.

I know as a teenager, I didn't care about my parents. As I get older now I get scared as they are getting to the age and try to talk to them everyday even though, I had my issues with them too. However, I never dealt with divorced parents so I don't know that feeling. I just know that I love my step daughter so much and it will hurt if she decides not to come and see us and I have no space to say anything or do anything.

Just needed to vent that out.

i have one of my childhood friends on facebook. she is with an older man with a daughter and recently had a child with him. i remember when she first got with this guy she was doing what a lot of us do and goes headfirst trying to be super stepmommy. always posting about her and all of the above and how her man was such an amazing dad and everything. which is fine and great and all, i did the same thing with my now ex.

i noticed in the last year she stopped posting about her man’s daughter at all. when she announced her pregnancy she said she couldn’t wait to be a mommy and there was several comments on her post from her man’s family being like “well you’re already a mommy but we’re happy for you!” and things of the like. it’s so sad that as stepmothers it’s almost like we are not allowed to be excited or express how happy we are to be becoming a mother to our OWN child. she was interacting with all comments except those. felt so sad for her because i went through the exact same thing except my exes daughter HAS a mom, and it definitely wasn’t me. anytime i expressed excitement about becoming a mom myself it was always overshadowed by people being like “well you already have a daughter!” when i said i was so excited to experience parenthood with my ex it was “well he’s already a parent!”. like yes. but i am not!!!! and they are 2 totally different things.

she posted ultrasound photos and her mans mom was in the comments saying “these are cute but we wanna see (daughters name) too!”. most recently she had her baby and there were several comments from her mans family again saying “where is (daughters name)?” “we want big sister pictures!” even one saying “we wanna come see (daughters name)” with no mention of their newborn.

just gives me flashbacks to when we announced our pregnancy to my exes family and everyone was hooting and hollering and congratulating my ex on his 2nd child, and congratulating his daughter for becoming a big sister and crickets for me. i feel so sad for my friend because i know exactly what she is going through. again, she interacts with all comments besides those. my exes family waited to come to the hospital to meet our son until his daughter came because they wanted to see her reaction to her baby brother. his family hardly said a word to me and spent the whole time taking pictures of exes daughter and my son, then pictures of literally only her in the hospital. then posted pictures on facebook saying “so proud of big sissy!” with again no mention of me or my son.

my first time mother experiences were always overshadowed. any time i expressed to my ex how excited i was to become a mommy he would go quiet and be like “i wish you felt that connection with my daughter” and say that i was already a mom (I was not), and asking how it would make his daughter feel to know that i didn’t already feel i was a mom before. mind you i fell pregnant with our son just a few months into us dating and was very much forced into a full time stepparenting role that was filled with disrespect and disregard for my feelings constantly from ALL parties. anytime i wanted to figure things out with my son on my own my ex would just always try to overrule me by saying he already had a child and already knew how to do xyz. when i wanted to buy things like bottle warmers, wipe warmers, other things that he deemed “unnecessary” he would laugh and say i didn’t know what i was talking about and “just wait til he gets here you’ll understand why you don’t need that shit.” anytime i was excited for our sons milestones it was “well sd did that first/better/cuter.” apparently his daughter was speaking full sentences and walking at 9 months old, go figure. (absolutely not true). if our son didn’t hit certain milestones by a certain time he would say he was behind and we needed to have him screened for autism. if i ever said anything like “he’s just the cutest little baby in the world” id get side eyed and he’d say “yeah him and sd both are”.

anyways, you literally could not pay me all the money in the world to be a stepparent ever again. i give all my friends the same advice. find a man without kids. don’t think you can start a family with a man who’s already done it.

postpartum is hard enough but even harder when you are completely invisible due to someone else’s child and someone else’s status of already being a parent and having already done it all before.

just hope she’s doing okay

Its over. He verbally was abusive and I am finally single.

My father was out of the picture before I was born, so I haven't experienced a parents' breakup in the traditional way. It was never something I had to get used to, I didn't know anything else. What about the rest of you?

Were you devastated by the divorce? If you were, are you still? Do any of you still wish your parents would get back together?

I think it's important to hear from adults who've been there. And if you think there's anything that could have been done to mitigate the damage of growing up in 2 households.

Is there anyone else that is a stepmom and doesn’t have their own kids?
I’m super struggling with this role. It’s causing some feelings of resentment and jealousy to surface.
I resent always being #2
I resent being expected to watch his son when he works because I work from home. (Summer break is the worst)
I feel jealous that he will always have this bond with the mother because of their shared child even though they do not get along.
I take “our son” as a dig at me. And, I know it’s not.
Most of my stepmom friends have a child with their husband and so the dynamic is a bit different.

This year, we took SS to his first day of school, so SS picked out a backpack and SS handmade some of the keychains himself and chose exactly where he wanted them to go.

He goes to BM’s and comes back sad because she moved the keychains he placed there. Apparently, she told him that it was “their house’s zipper” and put “their” keychains on it. SS told her he didn’t want to move his keychains he made, and she doubled down that it was “their” zipper.

What the actual fuckkk? Who makes a territorial claim on a damn zipper?

We tried to reassure him that it’s his backpack and he can decorate it however he wants, but now he’s all anxious over that zipper. And that’s the part that angers me. A kid should not be worried about whether a backpack zipper belongs to Mom’s house or Dad’s house.

For context, our two houses could not be more different, all the way down to the most minuscule things. However, we let him be a kid, whereas BM is very forceful about pushing her values and beliefs onto SS. She has even told SS and SO that she’s the “main” family. We have 50/50, but even if it weren’t, that wouldn’t make one household any more or less of a family.

We’ve dealt with other control issues from BM, but this one just feels so weird. I hate that even something so small has become a source of anxiety for SS.

Just looking to vent. I'm hoping someone could possibly relate to this and tells me it gets better one day LOL. My husband and I have been together for about 6 years. He has 2 children from a previous marriage (they are 11 and 9) and so do I. We now have a baby together. His ex wife is extremely high conflict. She was always pretty controlling once they separated but once I came along something in her brain completely unraveled. As soon as we started dating she would tell the kids their dad isn't coming to pick them up on days that weren't even his and that he doesn't love them anymore, tell them he started a new family with me once we moved in together after almost a year of being together, so on and so forth. It stopped for a while once she started dating but started again once I got pregnant. Once she found out I was pregnant she would tell the kids it's horrible that they're going to have a half sibling and it's not right. Once our baby arrived the kids were told to stay away from us and the baby because we're bad people and if she found out they were "spending time" with us they would get in trouble when they got home. The lies and manipulation were just insane I could write a book.

All this time they were in and out of therapy and we did what we could to reverse the manipulation but their mom removed them from therapy. My husband has spent 10s of thousands of dollars in legal fees fighting for his children. He has tried court, co-parenting counseling and it just goes nowhere because she denies everything. She has a huge problem with me so I have even offered to do family therapy with all of us, her partner included so we can just move on and focus on the children's happiness but she has refused.

At the time my baby was three months old one of his children hit my baby on the head, on purpose while they were sleeping in their bassinet. His child came up with a million different reasons as to why they hit my baby but overall said they want the baby gone and they'll do it again or something worse. His other child eventually admitted to feeling the same way about the baby and both of them said they would rather not come to our house anymore and we haven't seen them since. We told them they are always welcome here but not if they're going to harm a baby. We really wouldn't put it past their mom to tell them to harm the baby.

Does it eventually get better? There's so much more that I could add but like I said I could seriously write a whole book about it.

So my boyfriend and I have been together since December 2022 and we now live together with our two kids. I have a son from and previous marriage and so does he. My son is 11 and his is 10 and they get along for the most part but there’s some things that my son has brought to my attention I’m not happy about.

His son watches YouTube videos on his tablet and I’v walked by his room I’ve heard it saying sexual things, cuss words, violence, etc. I’ve brought this to my boyfriend’s attention so many times and he’ll just go in his room and be like “what’re you watching turn that off.” And then just walk out. He never even looks at what he’s watching just says to turn it off and walks out and obviously he doesn’t listen and just goes right back to it. My son has came up to me a few times about it and said he’s showed him videos that aren’t appropriate and I’ve told my bf and I feel like he just doesn’t want to deal with it.

Another thing is he will just go in the kitchen and just take whatever snacks such as snack cakes, chips stuff like that without asking. I’ve been telling my bf he shouldn’t be in there just constantly snacking he needs to eat actual food. He’s ate a whole box of honey buns I just bought that morning and they were gone by that night he snuck in there and got them and we didn’t know and found the box and wrappers in there and they were all gone. Again my bf did nothing about it. Also I was in there making spaghetti one night and stepped away to use the bathroom and came back to him running out of the kitchen I looked in his room and he’s eating a honey bun and I told him he doesn’t need to eat that I’m making dinner but he was already in the middle of eating it. I tried to tell my bf and he said “well he probably won’t eat it anyway.” He’s a very picky eater and most of the time won’t eat what I make for dinner and I have to make him separate things. He won’t try anything I make either that I know he would like. For example he likes hamburgers from fast food places but will refuse to even try the hamburgers I make at him so if I make it I have to make him chicken nuggets instead. I told my boyfriend I understand if it’s something he actually doesn’t like but I know he likes it I wish he would just try it because I hate making separate things every night.

He picks his nose still and wipes it on things. It’s so freaking disgusting it makes me sick to my stomach anytime I see it I make him go wash his hands but it’s like a bad habit that’s not getting corrected. I was talking to his mom about it and she laughs, I don’t understand how that’s funny that he’s wiping his snot everywhere. I caught him today sitting on the couch picking his nose and when I walked in he tried to hide what he was doing and wiped it on his cloths, again told my bf and does nothing about it.

He’s been so disrespectful and talking back lately and I understand he’s a kid and all kids especially that age will talk back but it’s gotten a bit extreme. Anytime his dad or I try to tell him anything he doesn’t listen and will just do it anyway but he knows my bf won’t do anything about it. I just don’t know what to do at this point I’m about to lose it I don’t know if I should call his mom and talk to her or what I feel like it’s not my place because I’m not his mom but at the same point this is affecting me and my son. I also wanna have a conversation with my boyfriend because it’s his fault for not correcting his behavior but I don’t know how to bring it up to him without him getting defensive. It’s just been a lot.

It’s been a wild ride, lots of ups and downs mostly downs. Like the time when she accused my then 13 year old son of “doing something” to her three year old because she wet the bed one time, which she then doubled down on and said well it must have happened when we weren’t looking. Nothing happened, the daughter was three and was still randomly wetting the bed at her mother’s place. Anyway on to the new list of demands for the five year old when staying at our place, she must have access to her iPad at all times because that’s what she likes to do, she must be able to call Mum whenever she likes including bedtime, just prior to her being picked up, in the middle of the night if necessary and it will be on FaceTime and she must be allowed to roam around the house whilst doing so. She must be allowed to jump from couch to couch as she does at her Mums house. She should be given all the attention from her father during the time she spends in our home and it should be one on one. She is allowed to hit my children with no consequence as they are much older and she always says she’s sorry. She should be taken away in our caravan just her and her dad on one of the weekends out of the two he has her each month. My soon to be husband fucked crazy and now she is fucking all of us.

Edit: these nonsense demands will not be met, so I’d imagine there’s more of this to come.

Early in my relationship with SO, I was actually pretty involved with his kids. I participated in pick-ups/drop-offs, school events, birthday parties, etc. There wasn’t really tension between BM and me at the time.

Then SO’s grandma told me that their family “loves and respects BM so much because she allows him to see other people” and warned me not to get between SO and BM.

That really changed how I viewed my role. They weren’t together, so being told BM was “allowing” him to date and that I shouldn’t get between them made me feel like they were the established family/coparenting unit and I was supposed to stay outside of it.

So over time, I did. I stopped communicating with BM completely and became much more disengaged. We’ve gone no contact for a year now. If I ever see her again I intend to be polite and respectful, but she’s SO’s coparent, not mine. I don’t consider us friends or family.

Now I’ve heard through mutual friends that BM makes comments about me “running and hiding” from her and that our house “lacks structure.” None of these concerns have actually been brought to SO, her coparent.

Meanwhile, SO wishes I were more involved and recently invited me to the kids’ first day of school with him and BM. He was confused/hurt that I didn’t want to go.

I feel like I’m simultaneously being told to stay in my lane and criticized for actually staying there.

How would you have interpreted his grandma’s original comment? And what kind of relationship, if any, would you feel obligated to have with BM now?

If you could give new stepmoms just one piece of advice.... what would that be?

Mine would be to not look at their social media accounts even if/when they are attacking you and your SO. I spent years documenting all of BM's abuse against our family. I haven't checked a single one of her social media platforms in over a week and let me tell you that it is so worth it. Don't let their toxic behaviors seep into your life or cause you to adopt those toxic behaviors yourself.

I’m curious! When it came to your stepkid getting a car or a cell phone, how did y’all figure that out? We have a while lol she’s only 6 but time is flying! 😂 I’d love to hear what other people did or are doing when it comes to those big milestones, especially in a blended family.