r/Stepmom

I really need advice/perspective from other stepmoms because I’m emotionally drained over a situation involving my 13-year-old stepdaughter, and I genuinely don’t know if I handled things the wrong way or if I’m just being made to feel that way. For context, my husband has joint legal & physical custody and we have her 50/50. The co-parenting is extremely high conflict, as bio mom does not have any contact with me and doesn’t get along with my husband. She pretends I don’t exist, and makes comments like “she knows she’s not your mom, right?” Etc.

For the past few weeks, my stepdaughter has been dealing with bullying at school from another girl. From what we were told, this girl has been calling her a “pig” and getting other kids to “oink” at her in the hallways when she walks by. My stepdaughter finally broke down and opened up about how bad it had gotten and how embarrassed and hurt she felt. As a parent, it absolutely crushed me hearing that.

The situation escalated after my stepdaughter started dating a boy that this girl used to date. Typical middle school drama, but the bullying became very personal and public. My stepdaughter is also involved in cheer, and this girl is connected to cheer as well, which made things even harder for her because she felt like she couldn’t escape it.

I decided something needed to be done because bio
Mom tried talking to the girls mom weeks ago, but it only got worse. I sent an email to the principal explaining everything that had been happening and asking for intervention before it escalated further. I also contacted the cheer coach because the cheerleaders are supposed to follow a strict anti-bullying policy, and I felt the coach needed to know what was happening between the girls.

The cheer coach actually sounded extremely concerned and supportive when we spoke. She thanked us for bringing it to her attention and said she would look into it immediately. At that point, I truly felt like we were doing the right thing by advocating for my stepdaughter and making sure she knew the adults in her life were protecting her.

But then the bio mom drama started.

Instead of us all focusing on supporting my stepdaughter through being bullied, the focus somehow became me “overstepping” as a stepmom. I was made to feel like I had no business helping communicate with the school or speaking up, even though I’m one of the people helping raise this child every single day. I’ve been in her life for 9 years. I’m there for the tears, the school issues, the activities, the anxiety, the hard conversations, all of it. So when she’s hurting, I hurt too.

Bio mom and my husband spoke in person and her mom kept saying things like “I’m her mom!!!” And when my husband texted her the update after our call with the principal, she said that she would have liked to have been included in on that.

What’s frustrating is that if I stayed quiet and uninvolved, I would probably be criticized for not caring enough. But when I step up and advocate for her wellbeing, suddenly I’m “doing too much.” It feels like a no-win situation sometimes as a stepmom.

To make things even harder, there have already been ongoing issues surrounding communication and co-parenting dynamics, so this situation just added fuel to everything. I never reached out to the school to create conflict or exclude bio mom. My intentions were truly just to protect a child who felt humiliated and unsupported at school.

I keep replaying everything wondering if I crossed a line or if I’m just being unfairly blamed because I’m the stepmom. I honestly love this little girl like my own, and seeing her cry over being bullied broke my heart.

Have any other stepmoms been through something similar where you advocated for your stepchild and then got accused of overstepping? How do you navigate wanting to protect your stepchild while also dealing with difficult bio mom dynamics? I genuinely would appreciate honest but kind perspectives because this situation has emotionally exhausted me.

I need advice. Am I over reacting or do I have big feelings about this? My husband (31m) and I (28f) are throwing my stepson (9m) his birthday this year. Kiddos birthday is this upcoming Sunday, May 24. It’s not during our weekend so we pick kid up 8am day of bday and Bm comes and gets him Monday (no school b/c Memorial Day) at 8am. My husband and I booked a little party table at one of the local arcades this Sunday. We got the invites out to his friends last week. Well, last night as I am cleaning out kiddos backpack, I see an envelope filled with what looks like invites. I pull them out. They are invites that BioMom made. She is throwing a bday party this Saturday May 23. These invites were passed out Wednesday May 20. Kid is inviting all the same classmates and friends. I was pretty shocked. My first thought was “the parents of these classmates aren’t going to want to drive to the second party when they JUST celebrated that same kids bday, the day prior.” She knew about our party.i am feeling lost in the sauce with these feelings. I mean what kid WOULDN’T want two parties. Every bday party in the past was with the parent who had the kiddo on his bday (last year she threw a party and the year before we did). One parent already reached out and was confused. They thought we changed the party location and date from Sunday to Saturday.

I want to shout into the void. I am worried kids won’t come to his actual birthday party. Ugh.

Edit to add: ok... now it's one day later and it turns out I'm a horrible, awful, disgusting person. I'm not being sarcastic, I mean that 😞. When my husband got home we searched again. He asked me if we've always had two blue throw pillows because he only remembers one and the two others I bought from TJMaxx. I said "don't gaslight me, I can prove it, I know I have pictures" and he apologized very sincerely and asked me to pull up pics of when we set it up in the living room.

There was only one pillow. Somehow my mind added another one. And I went on a rampage blaming his daughter, who, for all the quirks she has, is really a sweet kid. And I had no problem immediately blaming her and working myself up so hard.

I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself for this whole situation. Why did my mind betray me??? I honestly h4te myself for everything I said on here and thought in my mind. Damn grateful for his clear thinking and patience with me... I don't know how he loves me because I don't love me right now.

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OP: If it doesn't belong to her, she just doesn't give a flip. I just discovered one of our throw pillows is missing... we JUST bought this couch and it was very expensive for us. Yeah yeah yeah "$30 pillow is nothing"... but it's just the principle of it. It feels sneaky and disrespectful and now I have to walk on eggshells bringing it up to DH because she's his precious princess. If it got spilled on, I could have washed it. Like why wouldn't you just come up and say "hey I accidentally xzy". You're just going to get rid of someone else's things?? I notice EVERYTHING. She evidently thought no one would notice. I KNOW in the grand scheme of things it's no big deal, but it's a big deal to me.

Maybe it is just because I am incredibly F-ing pregnant right now.

Maybe it is because my husband has told (5yo at the time) SK right in front of me "I watched you come out of your mom's body" during a time when SK's mom was still trying to get back with my husband and creating unnecessary conflict with me.

But listening to SK tell me twice within the last 5 minutes "dad watched me get born" puts me in a seriously weird mood. I don't know what to say, I dont want to hear it, I don't want anyone around me to know how I feel about that comment.

Am I expected to have a natural birth like she did, even though I've had C-sections in the past? Am I expected to have his whole family, including his brother's girlfriend, up at the hospital with me while giving birth like she did? What if my husband is pissing me off too much to want him there? And if he is not there on his own accord, does that mean he cares less? Will he think less of me if this experience is different for him? Will he love *our* baby enough to make future partners feel uncomfortable with comments about watching me give birth (if we break up- who knows what the future holds)?

Having a baby with a man who has already had one is taking a hell of a mental toll on me.

Not a stepmom officially yet but I recently moved in with my boyfriend that has an almost 3 yr old. He has him half the week. The bedtime routine has always been him falling asleep on the couch and then my boyfriend moving him into his bed to co-sleep. Obviously with me moving in we didn’t think that was a good idea so now he lets him stay sleeping in the living room. His son has his own room with a nice bed but absolutely refuses to sleep there. Every night he’s with us it’s the same battle. He try’s to enforce bedtime and put a movie on but it turns into hours of him jumping up and demanding snacks and drinks and my boyfriend “bargaining” with him. Which no surprise, never works. When he does finally fall asleep, my boyfriend usually will want to watch one of our shows together. I love that time with him but we are still tiptoeing around his son sleeping in the living room and hoping he won’t wake up. It’s not relaxing. I guess I want to run what I intend to say to him by you more seasoned parents out there. This current stretch with him has been exceptionally rough with tantrums and I know he will ask if I’m doing ok once his son goes back to BM. I plan to answer by saying: “I can handle the tantrums and day to day highs and lows of him being a threenager. The thing I’m struggling with is the lack of a healthy bedtime routine and arrangement. You are the father and get to make the final call on this but going forward if there is no enforced bedtime and if he continues to be allowed to sleep in the living room then I will excuse myself for the evening once you start trying to put him down. I will just retreat to our room to watch tv or read for the remainder of my evening so I can have some time to unwind in a kid free space.” Thoughts?

Hi Reddit, first time poster, so please be kind.

I have two stepchildren f 39 and f 36 both of who have a toxic relationship with their father, my husband m 65. Which is something cultivated from his ex and has existed since she kicked him out when the youngest was 2. Apparently the other fella was waiting around the corner for my husband to leave so he could move in! My husband was heartbroken and didn’t see it coming.

I could fill this page with examples of how horrid the 3 of them were to him, the way they slagged him off all the time. The way his ex would justify her behaviour to end the marriage. No shame or respect. It was just vile.

We last saw the older daughter 15 years ago when she decided that her father was a loser and refused to allow us to see her son who was 3 and we adored him. She would be loving to his face and slag him off behind his back. She did this in front of me and I would comment, as gently as I could that she was out of line. Tbh my blood would boil and I had to bite my lip lots of times.

Anyway she didn’t get her own way over something and she made this dramatic decision and that was that.

2 years ago the youngest sent a text. Yes a text saying that she no longer wanted my husband to be her dad and not to contact her ever again. This came out of the blue and we were both deeply hurt.

Now comes the problem. The eldest phoned hubby out of the blue!! He is unsure if he wants her back in his life after all the pain and betrayal and after such a long time. They have had coffee on 2 occasions and she wants him back in her life. To be part of her family life again. She has 2 sons 18 and 14. Strangers to us.

Do I meet her or not. If she hurts her dad I will kick the crap out of her (disclaimer it’s a representation of how I feel not a commitment to act).

Both of his daughters have a life long pattern of being loving, then push him away, then come back into his life like nothing happened.
Hubby and I have been together 17 years now married for 13 and I tried to create a friendship relationship with both of them. Turns out they don’t really care about me and I was wasting my time trying.

Hubby is kind and loving and wonderful. The man they hate is not the same man I married but all of that fell on deaf ears.

Do I go and meet her? Will I loose my temper and tell her some home truths? What happens when she pushes him away again. She turns 40 soon does she expect a big money gift?

What do you think?

Me and my boyfriend have been together 7 years, my SD is 17 and we have two kids together 4yrBoy 1.5yr Girl.

I love my SD but here recently I’ve been facing conflicted feelings about one thing in particular. I came into my SDs life when she was 11, I was 22 and we always laughed about how close in age we are (my boyfriend had her at 15). Therefore we’ve never really had what I’d consider a parental bond but more familial. I know she doesn’t really see me in a maternal way because her mom is still very active but she doesn’t have any maternal grandparents. My boyfriend’s parents are older(late 70’s) so they’re kinda active but not really.

My parents are barely 50 and are very active in all their grandkids lives. My 1.5yr daughter is technically the first granddaughter my parents got out of 7 boys. My dad was over the moon excited and brags a lot about how she’s his first granddaughter. Well my SD overheard him the other day and was pissed.

I get she’s mad because she thinks she holds that title but she’s also only just recently (past year or so) started wanting to do anything with my parents. I’m conflicted because I know what it’s like to be a step child and to be treated as such and wouldn’t never want her to feel not included. But on the same note I want my daughter to feel special too. I grew up the middle, glass, child. I was always overlooked because of my older or younger siblings. And to have something my dad deems “Special” makes me feel proud for once but to have it feel negative at the same time because of my SD.

Currently I am dealing with my husband's BM coming at us saying that I am trying to replace her. It has been over a year since she has done this last but has now come back into play. This started as she saw mother's day items hung on his wall where all of his artwork is hung up in his room. We were told by the school that she had gotten things and she had sent us a picture of a card as well. Therefore we thought she had gotten items as we got these when we picked him up after the week she had him. Custody is 50/50.

I understand her not wanting myself to be referred to as mom but we tell the school and others that they should refer to me as my name to him and that is how he would refer to me as well. She does not see or believe this. I have not once posted or talked bad about her nor have I created posts stating I am his mom and not even made a post that is solely about him. My husband will tag me in posts he makes of the kids but also does not refer to me as mom, the most he has done is SM.

I really just want to talk and get my feelings out there. Not necessarily to her and I know if I share too much it does bother my husband. I understand it can bother him as she goes at him way too hard sometimes and he can find it as an insult as he did choose to be with her at one point. He can sometimes take it as a personal attack if I go too much into things. I just don't know how to feel sometimes. I take off work to be at his school events, to take him to doctors appointments when they can't, stay home with him when he isn't well and they cannot. I don't do everything and I only step in when both are busy and that's rarely but I do what I can to be there for all of them. It takes a village and I do that for all 3 SKs.

For some context: I F23 have been dating M38 for about a year and half now. He has two boys, 9 and 5 years old. The custody agreement currently is 40/60 us being the 40.

I have a great relationship with the kids, I truly think my presence changed their life, as Dad didn’t really “know how to parent”
The children now
-aren’t addicted to screens, we completely banned their tablets coming to our house
-bathe/shower daily
-brush their teeth x2 a day
-better sleep routines
And much more, I know I don’t get “all the credit” but whatever.

Dad and HCBM have been divorced for almost 4 years? They do not have a great relationship at all - just lots of complications with them.
But due to Dads high income, HCBM is able to fully live off of the Alimony checks she receives every month. Money is a big issue with them, she constantly thinks she is getting screwed, even though she hasn’t worked in almost 10 years and is planning on not getting a job because her monthly payments will be lowered. Overall a very selfish person. She has about 5 years left of the Alimony and has made it clear she is not looking for a job. She has a great support system, her parents watch the children almost as much as she does. She could very easily get a job, she has a degree, she just simply chooses not to.

Currently Dad and I are struggling financially, and she just went on a week long cruise with the kids, got a new car, all this stuff (from his monthly checks) and she continues to say how she is being screwed and how she wants to rediscuss child support payments and all of this stuff, even though HE is the only one with income, so HE is the one supporting HCBM, the two kids, and us.

Before we starting dating, Dad said he would never get married or have more kids due to how tricky it has been with HCBM. But now he “sees how natural of a mom I am, how wonderful I would be, etc.” and it means a lot because I am naturally great at it, I’m not gonna lie. The relationships I have with the children prove it.

So this is where my questions come in:
Does the feeling that if you do choose to have a child with someone who already had a family and kids, that we wont be experiencing “firsts” together go away? He will have experienced all of this stuff, and I wouldn’t have. He counters this by saying “he’s never raised children with someone as competent and kind as me, etc.”

With the current dynamic, a lot of the times, it feels like I’m teaching him how to be a dad, he is so wonderful at so many things but constantly it’s me who has to be the “bad guy” and then he over corrects and it’s just a lot sometimes. Sometimes in the back of head, I really wonder if I would want him to raise my kids, which sounds horrible but what if I have to teach him stuff that he should already know??

I worry that with how HCBM is, that if I did have a kid with him, that she is somehow going to be involved, as we will have to deal with her until the boys turn 18.

Dad works almost 60 hours a week, which is why he is able to pull so much income in. So he isn’t home a lot, and when he have the boys, he is constantly on his phone taking calls and just a bit distracted.

I know it sounds like I’m just bashing dad and I promise I’m not, he is a great dad. I just hate how much control HCBM has over his mental health. She decided to choose the day that his dad died (which she knew about) to drop a whole bunch of BS about how she has to get a new car and how he needs to pay her more to afford it. He taxes on her mental health so much and I’m not sure if I want to have a kid of my own knowing the influence she has over his mental state.

Will the feeling that maybe I’m making a mistake dating someone older who already has kids ever go away? I have sort of just given up on the idea of having kids of my own. I know I should be happy with the kids I get to raise now, and it truly fulfills me so much, but again I joined their life about 2 years ago.

Maybe I just need to rant about how selfish HCBM is,
I know this is all over the place, I am sorry. I don’t have a mom or dad anymore to talk about this stuff with. So I would appreciate some motherly guidance so to say.

I wanted to start by saying thank you to everyone who shares their experiences on here. Reading your stories has been a huge comfort to me because I don’t really have anyone in real life who can relate to how I’m feeling.

My story: I’m 37F and I’ve been with my partner (41M) for just over a year. He has a 10-year-old daughter from a previous marriage and they have 50/50 custody.

My partner is the kindest, most caring man I’ve ever met. He completely dotes on me and always tries to make me his number one priority. He’s genuinely done everything he possibly can to make me happy emotionally, mentally, and financially. I lack nothing in this relationship and he has never made me feel “second”.

Unlike a lot of stepmom stories I read, I actually have what most people would probably call an ideal setup. BM isn’t high conflict and we rarely even have to communicate with or see her because pick-ups and drop-offs happen at school. SD is also well-behaved. When she’s with us, I’m not responsible for her and I’ve never had to lift a finger around the house. I pretty much carry on living my life as normal.

But despite all of that, I can’t seem to shake this feeling that I’m living a second-class life. I struggle with the idea that I’m dealing with the negatives that come with having a child in our relationship, but without getting the positives that actual parents get. I think that makes me resentful sometimes because my partner already got to experience all the "firsts" with someone else.

Even though SD is generally unproblematic, I still dread the weeks she comes over because it disrupts the little happy bubble I have with my partner. I get anxious in the lead-up to her arriving, but then when she’s actually here everything is usually fine, so I don’t even fully understand why I feel this way. I think part of me just craves a “normal” relationship where we get to experience all the usual stages together without a child already being part of the picture. I also feel sad knowing I’ll never be my partner’s first wife or the mother of his first child. I think that’s why I sometimes resent SD, because she’s a constant reminder of that reality. However, regardless of how I feel I’ve always been kind to her, we spend time together, and I would never want her to feel unwelcome in our home. It’s the situation itself that I struggle with.

Sometimes I almost wish there were actual problems in my relationship because it would make leaving easier, but there aren’t. We’re genuinely happy together. What also scares me is that if I walked away, I might miss my chance to have children because of my age, something I want so badly. And honestly, I know my partner would make an amazing father and husband.

A lot of the time I feel like I live in a bit of a fantasy world. I even keep SD separate from my extended family because it helps me hold onto this illusion of having a “normal” relationship.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this and eventually felt better over time?

Hi,
My boyfriend (25M) has a 3-year-old son with his BM, and the situation has honestly been exhausting and confusing lately. For context, BM has been extremely unstable over the past year. She’s moved around 6 times in one year, doesn’t have a car, struggles to keep a job, and has had substance abuse issues. At one point, she alienated their son from his father because she didn’t like me being involved. Eventually BM moved in with my boyfriend’s mom, and ironically things actually started improving after BM started seeing my boyfriend’s mom’s true colors for herself. Since around September, things have mostly been civil and co-parenting was finally starting to feel manageable. Recently though, BM has started accusing us of mistreating their son because he says things in his sleep like “oh yeah” and “I don’t want to,” and because he wants to sleep in his own bed at night instead of with her. She says she’s losing sleep, her heart is breaking, and is now heavily insinuating that my boyfriend is somehow being inappropriate with his own son. I genuinely don’t understand how a toddler talking in his sleep or wanting to sleep in his own room automatically becomes an emergency or proof something bad is happening. It feels like things are spiraling into accusations with zero evidence, and it’s terrifying because these kinds of accusations can destroy someone’s life. Has anyone dealt with a co-parent who jumps to extreme conclusions like this? How do you handle it without making things worse?

I seriously feel like I’m at a loss and fighting a losing battle everyday of my life. I met my husband over 4 years ago and he already had a son with a terrible no good human, and I have the right to say this as I have tried and tried to be civil with her and take all of her nonsense on the chin for years. My stepson is currently 8yo and has completely shifted and no longer appreciates me like he used to. My husband and I had a baby about 10 months ago, which is my first child. I love my baby to death and he’s the absolute most perfect baby ever. I have never stopped or changed the way I treat my stepson but am now being treated as if I don’t matter. He’s infatuated with his mom’s boyfriend of 3 years because all they do is play video games together and I’m not about to be that parent. The stepsons mother has caused nothing but absolute almost daily stress in our lives to include trespassing, freaking out in public settings and talking to and about me as if I’m the damn devil. I’m just at a loss. I don’t feel happy anymore and I feel as though that isn’t fair to my baby. I don’t want to leave my husband, I love him dearly and our baby deserves to have his parents under one roof. My husband is very supportive but I do not know how to shake the feelings I am having. It’s like every other week when we have custody I’m a different person. Anyone have any advice or feel the same?

Me and my boyfriend have just moved into a new house together. The current set up is that he has his son alternate weekends and usually gives the ok if his mum asks him to have his son in advanced on the odd week days, all fine. however. The house we moved into is not to far from his school, and just recently he’s been turning up and letting himself in while we are at work, sometimes with his friends. They are a good bunch of kids, little geeky so I’m not worried they’ll trash the place. however I don’t like it. I feel like my personal space is being invaded, like I have to make sure I keep everything tidy, nothing personal lying around. This stops me feeling relaxed in my own home. I also work flexible hours sometimes I work from home, sometimes i’m out in the morning and home in the afternoon or vice versa and I now don’t feel relaxed in my own home because he might turn up. I get on with him great, but I just need my own space. I don’t have kids of my own and I have never wanted them and i also lived on my own for 5 years and grew to appreciate privacy and peace. Is this a me problem ?

my boyfriends view is that his son should be able to come and go as he pleases at ”his” house which leaves a bitter taste. because it’s my house too, I get where he’s coming from but also feel like it’s not what I signed up for and my boyfriend knew this about me.

My step daughter just turned 18 and I’ve been in her life since she was 11. She has always been a bigger girl and that seemed to always be an excuse from my husband and family. Almost like “she was born this way.” She has been to an endocrinologist and many other specialists and everything seems fine. She is now 220 lbs at 5’0 tall. I took her to the doctor earlier this year and she was 205 lbs. She continues to gain weight and is considered morbidly obese. She lost her mom when she was 11 so I’ve always tried to be gentle with her when it comes to being a step parent but I’m at a loss. I want to help but don’t know how. I hired a nutritionist and nothing has changed. We encourage her to move but she refuses to except very rare occasions. I’m very worried about sending her to college and her continuing to gain weight. Her dad doesn’t want to confront her and stays away from the subject all together. Do I try to tell her I’m worried or sit back and let it be?

Posting here though idk if some of you may understand. My partners preteen kids live with us but they do not respect the shoes off in house policy. It makes me MAD, more so bc it’s a respect thing. My partner also sometimes will step in and not take his shoes off and parade around the house till I say something. I feel like the evil witch bc I’m always saying shoes off or giving my partner the look for him to tell his kids (I want him to own the enforcement of no shoes with his kids as much as possible). Am I right to feel this triggered or should I just let it go? I don’t think plastic shoe covers would be a good alternative for long term use. And I told my partner if they can’t take their shoes off he needs to buy a nice floor cleaner and clean at least twice weekly. He doesn’t say anything and defends his kids saying it’s easy to forget to take shoes off walking into the house. It’s also bout respect and household rules..and yes I’m Asian with no shoes household.

To add, yes I understand it’s easy to forget to take shoes off but we will tell them, they will take them off then put it back on and walk back and forth to their rooms (naturally bc they forget something in their rooms ) this is manly in the morning before school and also after school just going straight the room w shoes.

✨warning: this will absolutely trigger you if the shoe fits✨

I think it is absolutely foul that some of y’all enter relationships with single parents and then act shocked that the children exist.

“SK isn’t here very often, so why should they have their own space?”
Because children deserve to feel like they belong somewhere.

That room isn’t “sitting empty.”
It’s waiting for a child who already spends their life bouncing between homes, routines, emotions, expectations, and adult conflict. A child who deserves to walk into your home and feel like they matter there too.

Some of y’all talk about stepchildren like they’re inconvenient house guests instead of tiny humans trying to survive separation, transitions, loyalty binds, and emotional whiplash they never asked for.

“Do I really have to bring them everywhere?”
“Why are they acting out?”
“Why are they clingy?”
“Why are they emotional?”
Because their entire world got split in half and they’re children.

Separated kids are not “spoiled brats” because they struggle emotionally.
Tantrums, regressions, meltdowns, clinginess, attitude changes… those are often stress responses from children navigating adult situations with a child-sized nervous system.

And honestly? If you cannot handle the existence of someone’s children with empathy, patience, and basic respect, then you should not date parents.

You do not have to become their replacement parent.
You do not have to love every moment.
But you absolutely should be capable of treating children like human beings instead of burdens ruining your vibe. You are an adult. Act like one.

Because one day those kids will remember exactly who made them feel unwanted and who made them feel safe.

And if that reality doesn’t move you even a little, why involve yourself with a single parent in the first place?

My husband just got home from drop off….

Some backstory:
We had a shopping weekend with SD and I had booked a mani/pedi for myself. Dad asked for me to book her a princess mani/pedi, so I did.
We had a good weekend, went swimming had tons of fun.

On his way home from drop off, BM called him and told him that SD is refusing to talk to her about what she does with us on our weekends. That she’s rude and that if she wants to be with us so bad we can have her and she can live with us.
This is where “I” come in. BM told DH that SD’s attitude is my fault that I am not her mother and that I do not have any say in parenting or choices made with SD.

He comes home and tells me this, and I’m currently sitting on the couch in absolute shock, because I don’t “parent” my SD nor do I make choices for her. I started stepping back from her life significantly when I noticed I was too involved for my own good. I asked my husband what SD said that was so rude, and I probably shouldn’t do it but she’s a young kid, I don’t understand how she can be so rude to warrant an immediate phone call. He said she responded with “I don’t want to talk about that right now, can we talk about something else instead.”

Now all I’m thinking about is my SD and how her spending any amount of time with me is making her suffer at her mom’s.

DH engaged, which I told him he shouldn’t have, but he pretty much told her that she (SD) told her she didn’t want to talk about it right now, that she didn’t even give her the chance to let her settle in at home before bombarding her with the “What did you do at your dad’s house?”

Being a stepmother is not for the weak. I’m having a really hard time with all of this, and not for any personal reason, but because my being around is affecting my SD.
All this being said, I have been with my husband for 3 almost 4 years.

I’m a step mom to a 10yr old and 13yr old.

They spent the night with their grandparents last night, we picked them up this morning. They had breakfast at 845-9am. We picked them up around 11am and noticed they had snacks (chips, fruit snacks, crackers, etc). We did not stop for lunch, as they said they had snacks and weren’t hungry.

My husband and I ate breakfast around like 930ish. We drove out to their mom’s house to pick something up, and kept the kids with us because we were trying to spend as much time as possible and she was gonna be out by our home when it was time for them to go back. She had plans at a friend’s home and never quite gave me a timeline of when she wanted to meet.

At 4:50 she said she got to her friend’s house. At 6pm I went to the kitchen to start fixing dinner. At 6:05, she calls saying to meet her at the end of our road. So I loaded kids up and took them. When she pulled away, the kids I guess told her that we hadn’t had dinner yet. She called me very peeved that they hadn’t eaten yet. I informed her that I was literally in the kitchen about to start cooking when she called. She kept saying “ok. Okay I guess I’ll get them food”. I told her I was literally in the process of fixing dinner, and she had called. She seemed extremely upset and said “okay” again and hung up.

I guess I’m trying to figure out if I’m
In the wrong here. She says she normally feeds them at 5pm on Sunday nights that she has them. we hadn’t even been home an hour and both kids had showered as well as helped me and my husband with chores around the house (feeding animals-goats, dogs, cat).

Am I in the wrong here for being truly confused as to why she is upset? It’s not like we were sitting around at home all day. We had errands to run, things to do. She’s also upset that the grandparents (my in laws) had them on our parenting time. (She doesn’t like them and never lets them stay with them on her time, so of course, if they want to stay with grandma and grandpa and it’s our parenting time, we let them.) we weren’t pawning them off, we weren’t trying to avoid them. We literally were just letting them see their grandparents.

DH just moved all of SD (14) stuff out of her room (that she shares when she is here with our child together, who is almost 2. Not ideal but that is our situation that we try to make the most of). He said if she doesn’t want to be here she doesn’t have to, she already only comes over when she wants something so she can just do whatever she wants.

For some background context, this fight between them has happened before but I thought we talked it out and moved past it. She is wrapping up her freshman year of high school and on drill team so is of course a busy teenager with a social life. But we only have her every-other weekend and it has seemed like the last couple months she has had other activities going on during our weekend with her so DH has barely had any time with her. BM was out of town this weekend so SKs were with us and DH asked for one day for SD to be here and do family activities, but as soon as a friend invited her to swim and sleep over she was out like a flash. This morning when we picked her up I tried to have a conversation with her about it so she could see his side, but it was like it was in one ear and out the other. She said she just wanted to go to her mom’s because she “didn’t feel like getting yelled at” so that’s what triggered DH to say fine, you can take all your stuff back to your mom’s and just let me know when you want to come spend time with us.

Fast forward to him sitting in her room and crying because he’s felt like he tries so hard to give his kids the stable childhood that he did not have growing up. I think he’s really feeling the grief of them growing up (SS is 17) and becoming independent and he’s hurt that he feels like she doesn’t want to be here.

I wanted to pick her up by myself this morning so I could try and explain his perspective but he came with so the conversation was not as effective as I had hoped it would be. He tried to talk to BM about it but all she says is “she’s just a teenager” (she basically lets them do whatever they want). I want to help but should I just sit this one out? I’ve encouraged them to go to family counseling but short of me finding a doc a booking something and shoving them all in the car I don’t know how to make that happen. I hate this because I don’t want our child to grow up in a toxic environment and DH is always on edge around the older kids.

Just a quick vent, but this time of year, every year, my dumb husband asks my stepkid what are her plans for the summer... And like he really means it literally, not just what are her hopes or what is she looking forward to doing, but he's asking has her mom's side of the family signed her up for summer camp or is she going to be staying with her maternal grandparents or what.

This year he waited until my SK has just a couple days left in the school year, and then he acted surprised to find out that it's too late to registered her for any of the high quality educational summer programs.

When his kid inevitably isn't sure what she's doing this summer, because she's a child and it's not her job to keep up with that kind of stuff, he'll ask me if I know about any summer camps or day camps.

As if I just know that kind of thing off the top of my head, when my oldest kid isn't even in kindergarten yet.

I used to research that stuff for him in the first couple of years of our marriage, but he would always complain that they're too expensive or that the hours or location were inconvenient, or he'd wait until April or May to bother trying to register and it would be all booked up. So I stopped.

He obviously doesn't care enough to find summer childcare for his oldest kid, and neither does his ex-wife, but it is 100% not my problem, especially now that I have 3 of my own children to take care of.

I feel bad for her when her dad makes it obvious that he doesn't put a lot of thought or effort into raising her, but I can't fix their relationship and I can't make him be a better parent. All I can do is be kind and thoughtful to her when she's here.