r/Stepmom

My boyfriend and I are both in our mid-30s and have been together for over 4 years. He has two daughters from a previous marriage, and I have built a good relationship with them, although I do get overwhelmed at times with the dynamics.

Recently, after having trust issues, I went through his phone and found out that he and his ex/BM had been hooking up during our relationship. This was especially painful because I moved for him, supported him emotionally and financially at times, and invested so much into this relationship before I even fully understood what the blended family dynamic would look like.

When I confronted him, he denied it at first. We never really got a real resolution or repair conversation. He eventually said part of the reason was because I don’t do certain sexual things for him, which made me feel even worse — like he was blaming me for his choice to cheat.

I love him deeply, but I can’t seem to get over it. I feel like I’m making excuses to stay, but I also feel stuck because his ex will always be part of our lives because of the kids. Even if he says it’s over now, how am I supposed to know it won’t happen again?

I guess I’m looking for advice from people who have been in blended family situations. Is this something trust can realistically be rebuilt from, especially when the person he cheated with is someone who will always be connected to his life? Or am I ignoring a huge red flag because I love him?

The past few months feel like they have been extra crazy with HCBM. I was desperately counting down days for SD to go to summer camp so she could just be a kid and be away/not worry about all this.

There was a slight hiccup with camp and within literal minutes, HCBM is playing her part true to tune.

Please give me your best advice for dealing with an HCBM. Honestly by dealing with, I really mean just ignoring and not being bothered by their actions. HCBM is not allowed to contact me and pretends to be cordial most times we have to interact in person for SD. My emotions and reactions are really driven by true hatred for how HCBM treats SD and SO

I’m in need of something more productive than daydreaming of getting a CDL to drive a bus or learning voodoo

Edit to add: I have a therapist who has been along this journey with me. She’ll get the update at next appointment, but I need a bit of reassurance from folks who have lived this

Im having this issue. My partner had a baby with a one night stand. They did a paternity test and its his. He doesn't want to be with her but the family insists on keeping her close to be close to the baby. They invite her over for the whole day - where she hangs out with his entire immediate family (mom, dad, grandma, sister and brother). Hes expressed to them how it makes him feel and they all seem pretty defensive on keeping it that way to keep the baby close. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable to know this girl is spending the whole day with him and them. Right now I am long distance. They state she is part of the "family now" but I see it as just part of his life now, not family. He isnt dating her. It makes me not want to either. I dont want to compete with a pseudo-girlfriend who has a kid involved while I cant have kids.

When you fall in love with a person with children, it is easy to set your needs for emotional safety aside to focus on your person and the kids first. It might seem loving and caring to put their emotional needs first, but there is a risk that you may start to feel less safe over time.

Here are some reminders of why it is important to prioritize your emotional safety first, in all relationships.

Validation over dismissal: Your feelings are acknowledged and respected, rather than minimized or ignored.

Healthy boundaries: You can say "no" or ask for space without guilt, pressure, or conflict.

Lack of hypervigilance: You do not have to "walk on eggshells" or carefully edit your words to avoid someone else's volatile reactions.

Consistency: You don't have to guess which version of the person you will be dealing with day to day.

Accountability: Mistakes are met with sincere efforts to repair and grow rather than blame-shifting or silent treatments.

As women, I think there is a bias that some men (and women) have about us as caregivers. It can feel selfish to prioritize our own emotional health and safety. I think that it is important to discuss emotional health and emotional safety early in any relationship, to form a healthier relationship.

I’m relatively new to being a SM (a year in so far) and I feel like I’m so lost and overwhelmed with everything. Please forgive me as I navigate through trying to get it all out. I do hope this makes enough sense for someone to lend me a guiding hand in my situation. After reading some posts on here I see that a lot of what I’m dealing with is common amongst others step moms and I really have an appreciation for that!

When my partner and I first got together he played this amazing father who was given a bad BM (classic I know please don’t judge me too harshly, I am 23 and this is my first time)

we don’t even have my SD but 2 weekends out of the month (her mom has custody. They were never married and everything in this girls life had been chosen by her mama) before we started to get her on a regular schedule my partner would talk about how much he missed her (I don’t doubt that and I sympathize with him for it) how much he missed out on because of “her” like normal, everything boils down to the baby mom being at fault. I’m not saying she’s totally innocent either but I do think she has matured more as a person than he has since the birth of my my SD and I say this because to him it’s always a fight and to her she simply could care less anymore. She’s not bitter, she makes some decisions that I personally wouldn’t make for myself or my children but who tf am I? That’s a whole other can of worms I probably shouldn’t open in this post but I might in the future.

Anyway, I also want to point out that I’ve been caring for children my entire life, kids are nothing new to me but I’m having a very difficult time deciphering my place in her life, I am not her mother, I am an extension of her father and most of my caring for children has been easy because that’s all it was, caretaking and then I could on about my business. This is like on a whole other level because I feel like I have to do right by this child that I have no actual say over but my influence is ultimately going to help shape them? Wild as all get out. She has recently started calling me mom, or my mama, but I almost flinch when she says it. Don’t get me wrong I am TOUCHED but also I don’t want to correct her and embarrass her or implant anxieties in her about being comfortable with me, I don’t want to replace her mom, I don’t want her mom to feel any sort of way about me, and my partner is just like “oh well” and shrugs and when I try to talk to him about it he just tells me it’s fine and we just don’t acknowledge that it happens.I just answer when she calls me mom or by name. But, here’s the anxiety driver for me, when she refers to her SD as her “dad” my partner will correct her! Tell her that he’s her dad and that the other guy is her mom’s boyfriend. More recently he’s been better with referring to him as her step dad but he still corrects her and I find it incredibly confusing for both her and I.

I’ve also had a way harder time bonding with her than she had with me because for her, I put on the smile and I act like I know exactly what I’m doing, I show her as much love as I can, I make activities for us to do together, the works. On the surface we have a wonderful relationship and bond but for me, I harbor a lot of what I think is resentment towards my partner underneath because while I’m actively spending time with her, he’s on his phone, not paying attention, barely spending any time with her, I do all the planning, cooking, cleaning, bathing, fun stuff, hard stuff, handle the up’s and downs of the day of a 6 yr old that isn’t mine and he just gets to reap the evidence that she loves it at dads house, he gets to swoop in at bed time and give her attention when I’m trying to get her to go to sleep, he gets all the praise for how well she is with us, he gets to show everyone how good of a father he is at my expense and it makes me dread her visits, I love her I truly do, I’m not her biggest fan but I love her dearly nonetheless but I genuinely dread it because I know all the work im about to be saddled with am I crazy for feeling this way?

Also I don’t know if it’s another woman’s child or what but I feel a primal urge wake up inside me when she gets all lovey with him and it terrifies me to no end because I WANT to be so happy that he finally has his baby and his family even if it is every other weekend, I should be happy that his daughter loves him and still wants to share a closeness with him despite the distance in the past. Truth be told I’m really proud of it actually but it still stirs something in me that I do not like at all. It’s a form of jealousy I have never encountered before and a rage that I know is directed at him and not her but oh my lord is it a struggle to try to contain and smile through so they can share a special moment and bond ( it’s essential I’m not denying them of having a closeness) I think I just wish it was a little different there.

To make matters worse, he’s trying to go for full custody, he wants to put everything we have going on, on hold so we can take her and it’s not out of best interest for her it’s out of his own vendetta against his BM for taking her he claims “we can give her a better life” but in reality we are scraping by as it is and we can barely afford bills after child support. I want to be supportive of him but I also know better, I want so bad to just be like yeah let’s make your dreams happen but it’s gonna crush this little girl if we take her from her mommy. My parents fought over us kids and where we would go and being ripped away from my mother was so hard for us even tho I was doing a majority of the child care, I was still just a little girl who wanted to be with her mommy. I’m morally torn in this situation truly, because my loyalty to my husband says to follow him but, my need to right by this child says do not take that baby from a healthy home where she is taken care of. (again it might not look exactly like how we would do it but the child is alive and happy and thriving who tf are we?) not only that but if we did get her that thrusts me right into the role of full time mother of a 6 yr old and most people have 9 months to prepare for a baby and he wants me to be ready for her any day. idk if my feelings here are rooted because of the constant back and forth of mom and dad growing up, or if it’s because of the weird primal urge I get, or maybe it’s genuinely what is best for her but I have no clue and it’s all driving me crazy joy being able to share this with anyone and get input

Speaking of primal urges, I have this need to watch her like a hawk especially when her and I are with him because it’s like he’s oblivious to his surroundings and what’s going on, I have stopped at least two accidents from happening under his care because he just doesn’t watch for the hazards. This was early in into out visitations that this happened but he has had her multiple times by himself at this point (side note NEVER overnights until me because the BM trust me😭 ANOTHER CAN OF WORMS) he let her cross a busy parking lot by herself, get out the car alone, stand up in a shopping cart, eat nothing but chips and salsa all day, he was ready to send her outside in 90° clear skies with NO SUNSCREEN because “he knows what’s best for his kid” so quietly in the back ground, I keep the cart steady, I hold the hand, I stop the incidents but only here will I be able to take the credit for them because he had no idea.

This turned into me rambling but I think I needed it, thank you for reading and please comment your advice for any of this, or even tell me I’m wrong, any advice helps at this point. I apologize for the volume of the post.

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I have been dating my boyfriend seriously for a little over a year now. We live separate, however we only live 5 minutes from each other so if I'm not at work, I am probably at his house. I am childfree.

He has 2 kids, boys, 9 and 11, every other week. I met them about 8 months ago, and we hit it off pretty well. Within the past couple months, the 9 year old has been picking on me... relentlessly. To the point it's getting tough not to let it get to me.

A few examples:

My boyfriend saying "watch for that car" in the parking lot and 9 year old saying "Dad you shouldn't have said anything just let it hit her"

Me saying I have to go to work (swingshift office job) and 9 year old saying "well atleast my dad works when he's at work you just sit around all night"

My boyfriend is building a house next spring. We have decided it would be best for me not to be put on the house and the mortgage loan yet, as we haven't actually lived together yet. The goal is eventually marriage, however anything could happen once we actually live together. So with that being said, he is paying the majority of the upfront cost for a new house. 9 year old knows this, and continues to tell me that I must be broke and lazy because I can't afford to help with the house. (Just to clarify, I could help with it, but we both agreed I won't pay more than some of the mortgage/monthly bills until marriage).

We went on vacation about a month ago, all together. 9 year old asked his dad to "sleep with (him and his brother) and not her" which is fine, but it was the way he said it. He said "her" like I am some terrible person or something.

This is only a few examples, but there has been more. I cannot even jokingly pick on their dad around 9 year old without 9 year old jumping down my neck. I understand 9 year old is a kid, and doesn't understand things, because he is a kid. But I can't keep going with this disrespect. I try to be as nice as I can to 9 year old but recently I just stopped talking around him. I don't even acknowledge the remarks he makes anymore.

Today it got so bad that my boyfriend actually stepped in and sad "Jeez (9 year old), don't you think you're being a little harsh to her? You're kinda getting mean" which I appreciated immensely but I still don't know how much I can take... or how to make it stop.

How do you guys tolerate/address disrespectful comments directed towards you from your partners kids/step kids?

My stepsons mom recently stopped working because she now has 2 more kids now that she doesn’t have childcare for/cant afford childcare for.

My husband has gotten in to his head that he now has to be more financially responsible for their two sons just because she herself is not working. I told him that wasn’t right because it’s not his fault that she’s not working because she chose to have more kids. She does have a husband that works and I feel like she wouldn’t have quit her job if her now husband couldn’t help take care of her two sons too. And from what I can tell she hasn’t straight up asked him to provide more, but my husband is choosing to but I just don’t like that he feels like he has to because she’s not working. I feel like she should still be financially responsible for them regardless of personal circumstances that have nothing to do with us.

Plus she has always been on my husbands ass about how he doesn’t help out as much as he should be, but she only says that because my husbands does make way more money than she did and feels like she can take advantage of that. I will not stop my husband from getting his sons what they need, especially right now for back to school stuff but I just don’t think it’s fair. Especially with past accusations of him not helping enough before.

I'm a full-time SAHM to BD16 and "ours" BS5. My BD's father has never been in her life and when I met my DH almost 9 years ago, he understood this. We are financially blessed and I am happy to be able to stay home with my kids and give them the lifestyle they wouldn't have if I was alone. He has a daughter, SD16, who is in the same grade as BD. I cannot stand this girl. I used to feel bad about it because she's not a badly-behaved kid and gets good grades/stays out of trouble, but I can't stand being in the same room as her. Just a profoundly loathsome, pretentious, know-it-all little beyotch who had a bad case of mini-wife syndrome when I first came into her life. Everything about her personality and communication grates on me and I was deeply relieved when DH agreed to reduce his custody from 50-50 to EOWE a few years ago. At one point it was down to one weekend a month and I was thrilled that HCBM seemed to be inching toward not sending her over here to us at all.

Well, things have now changed and due to HCBM's horrible judgment and trashy lifestyle, we now have SD full-time for the foreseeable future. I have been hardline NACHO with her for the past four years and refuse to take on any parenting duties for his child. No school runs (she can walk or ride her bike), no special meals (she is vegetarian and refuses to eat much of what I cook for my family, but there are no shortage of ingredients in the fridge and pantry and she’s welcome to make her own food), no pickups or drop-offs for any reason (call an Uber or walk). As long as she is in my house, she can do her own laundry, clean up after herself, and manage her own schedule if her father doesn’t do it for her. At bottom, I have no interest in blending our families and am essentially counting down the days until I can say "There's the door" in two years.

This wasn't a difficult boundary to maintain when we only had her EOWE and she mostly stayed in her room while visiting. However, things have gotten much messier since we got her FT as due to the sensitive nature of the DCF case and DH's guilt over how his reduced custody time contributed to the alleged abuse that got her removed, he has been tiptoeing around and indulging her at all opportunities. Boundaries I set years ago for good reason are now being crossed every day and I’m getting sick of it. Her birthday came and went last month and when no party or cake miraculously appeared (because her father did not take charge and these things are not my responsibility, as she is not my child, as I have explained countless times) he's been on my ass about needing to change how we do things in our home. His new leverage is that he claims he's going to reduce my household budget to exclude any/all expenses for BD unless I drop the NACHO boundaries in place and cave to her demands. Meanwhile SD gets to lounge around the house watching inappropriate shows (Rupaul, Love Island) on the family room TV with BS in the room and Doordashing Taco Bell on DH's credit card all day. DH works full-time and is not pulling his weight as a parent. This is not my problem to solve nor my responsibility to shoulder. But he has been on such a self-imposed guilt trip these past few months that nothing I say seemingly makes a difference.

Additionally, SD and BD do not get along and BD’s mental health has suffered from having SD here full time, but SD claims BD bullies her and of course DH privileges her due to the ongoing circumstances. BD is not an angel (what teen is?) but most of SD’s claims about her are so far-fetched as to be ludicrous, however there was a disciplinary case opened at their school in the spring after sensitive details of the DCF case were spread by her peers and SD claims BD was responsible. I know when my child lies and I know she's telling the truth when she says she wasn't involved, but DH doesn't care and says he's lost respect for me as a mother, which genuinely hurts.

There's a simple solution to all of this: SD has grandparents who are willing to take her and who only live an hour away! But DH is adamant that he isn’t going to "kick her out," although he seems fine with kicking BD out of the family budget to settle a petty score. I just don’t know where to go from here and my girlfriends have been less than helpful, even those with SKs of their own, because the details of SD's case are such that it clouds their judgment. However, they don't have to live with her and I do, and no amount of sympathy will change how I feel about this kid. It just won't. I'm sorry for what she's gone through but I don't want her in my house full time and I especially don't want to have to step in and act like her mom just because her real mom sucks. Has anyone dealt with this kind of petty BS before? Is there a way to salvage this disaster and move forward that doesn’t involve me leaving and taking my BKs away from a stable and happy family situation, nor caving to all of DH and SD's demands?

My partner has a young child that I feel he leaves me out of their life because of the drama of his ex and him navigating this new situation. Also because I’m sure the child’s mother does not like me at all for other reasons. Though I try to have patience and let them do their thing with raising their child, I can’t help but feel left out at times. As my partners friends and family see the baby regularly or whenever they ask too. He goes there to care for the child because mom won’t let him watch the child in his own home (child is still young). Him and his ex relationship being very very tumultuous doesn’t help either. I get if I was the mother, I would feel ways about her being around my child, BUT realistically this isn’t just your kid and the baby’s arrival was very abrupt and unplanned. When and what should I say related to feeling left out? I have expressed being patient and allowing time and things getting figured out to let things tell it. But it’s getting off putting. idk exactly what I want but literally being a important person to my partner and their baby important to them. Along with everyone else in his life being acquainted with the baby it’s just weird at times.

Hi everyone,

I was hoping to get some advice from other stepparents that may have been in a similar situation or any input in general is appreciated.

I have a stepson, 8, who I just cannot stand. He is not necessarily a bad kid, but does have some behavioral issues and I just cannot stand him.

We do not get him much throughout the year but do have him living with us the entire summer. He has a reputation for being incredibly loud and does not listen well. Yesterday, I just had a breakdown. We all went to go see a movie at the theater that he was very excited for, which I understand. The movie theater itself was not packed surprisingly, but there were a few groups in there. During the movie, he was just being obnoxiously loud the entire time. Talking very loud and even laughing and screaming so loud everyone in the theater heard it. My partner would tell him several times to stop, but he just would not listen. Then at the end, he screamed so loud I got up and walked out of the theater room and just waited at the door. I was embarrassed and my body was in fight or flight.

I do get chronic migraines and when he is like that it usually exacerbates them or brings one on. Also, I do think I just cannot tolerate loud noises in general. My childhood was filled with my grandmother emotionally abusing my grandpa, and my parents screaming at each other every night as well so I do think hearing any type of yelling or screaming like that just brings on a panic attack.

There are some other behavioral issues he has but other than that he is a good kid and I just feel guilty that I cannot stand him. Has anyone else felt this way about a step kid? What do I do?

I have a brain tumor. Surgery is scheduled and the date is coming up quick.

SO will be taking time off of work, has made it very apparent his goal is to get me self sufficient by week 2. Which... isnt feasible. Average recovery time is 2-6months. Its... brain surgery.

I take care of our under 10 SS. We're week on week off during the summer. I will be solo with SS after SO goes back to work. Edit: SO has said he'll take SS to gparents house while SO is at work, drop off in the am then pick up in the pm. I forgot SO said this, oddly enough im a little forgetful these days. Still doesnt help the fact that SS will feel like he cant be home and will just be shuffled about. SO disagrees with that, saying SS will be happy to be at gparents and wont feel that way at all. Again, im currently the one who spends the most time with SS but SO ignored me when i mentioned that.

We get SS back 2 days after im out of surgery. SO said SS will go to gparents house for a couple days then be home. I expressed a bunch of feelings, mostly that SS will feel shipped off to gparents house, that SS wont see that SO is helping me but that he's being put second to my needs. I asked to swap weeks with BM, maybe be able to get SS back a week early in the fall. SO shut that down. I then asked for a couple extra days at BMs house. SO got really angry, doesn't agree with what im saying.

I know in my gut this isnt going to be easy, surgery or recovery. And as awful as it is, right now im so stressed that even hearing SS run down the hall makes me irritable. It doesnt help that i take over a majority of SS care since SO works fulltime and i KNOW that irritation and annoyance will only be worse post-op.

A part of me thinks SO wants SS there to help SO feel better. A part of me thinks SO is trying to use this as a learning opportunity for SS to see how our family treats sick people. And another part of me feels totally abandoned. Ive built up a lot of F-you energy about it and i dont even want SO's help post op anymore. But i cant do this alone. I have no one else but him to help me.

I just need some support here. I cant stop crying. I feel awful and selfish and alone and hurt. I dont feel like im asking for a lot but now i just feel so bad and like SO is totally ignoring the only request ive made about all of this...

So background. I have 2 ss 10 and 8 and I have 3 other kids and am very pregnant with our 4th and last. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 9 years right before ss8 was born. Their mom is pretty narcissistic and she abused my husband and before we dated I watched her do it to him both physical and mental. Anyway she dropped both of them off when ss8 was about 2 weeks old and would visit them very rarely maybe some holidays or birthdays and this went on for 3 almost 4 years. My husband and I were very young and ignorant and did not take anything to court, just lived our lives with them and they were put into cbt for major abandonment issues definitely not completely easy but we were all happy. Then biomom gets a new boyfriend and starts showing up and then takes them away and legally there wasn’t much we could for a while do we didn’t even know where they were and she had us and everyone in her family blocked for 9 months. We finally find them and get some sort of custody (every other weekend) and biomom is fleeing her situation due to her being abused by the guy. The whole time she is claiming that they were never touched but since we have found out they were emotionally/mentally, physically and sexually abused and she knew about it and kept them in that situation with her for the 9 months and then turned a blind eye because she didn’t want to feel like a bad mom. Anyways she flees to a small town so he won’t find her and we move to the same town and even though through the court we are only set for every other weekend, we tend to have them much much to about 60% us 40% her which we are fine with because she is pretty neglectful abusive idk a lot to them. We live less than a minute away and they tend to show up in tears randomly because she will tell them that no one loves them and call them names like fat or stupid, cuss them out etc. we have tried for full custody but the courts feel kids are better off with their moms and there is no physical proof of abuse or neglect. Cps has been involved several times called by her neighbors or the teachers and she has trained them to not say anything and lie to the workers and the only thing we ever ended up getting “proof” of was a text she sent ss10 telling him how he’s unwanted and awful (cussing him out) for not giving her some birthday money her mom had given him. Cps said though it’s frowned upon basically it’s fine. She won’t put them into therapy, she did once for ss10 but didn’t like that she couldn’t know everything he said so they never went back. We’ve tried to make appts for them but she cancels them. They get in trouble at school constantly and at this point are extremely difficult to handle due to having so many issues. We’ve had a couple of different lawyers who all say the same where there’s not much that can be done it’s a waiting game for her to slip up or for them to be old enough to choose the household which our state is 14. Sorry for the long background but the issue that we are having now is that I am on our last baby number 4. And am high risk. My husband works and I take care of the kids. Right now we regularly have them Tuesday and Thursday from morning to throughout the night and them every other Friday - Monday. She tends to drop them off early on our days and then get them late on hers(not all the time but most of the time) my ss8 for about 2 years now is a very physical kid. He’s kind of a bully at school and very physically abusive to his brothers like not normal wrestling but tries to stop them from breathing. He’s a lot to handle and cannot be left alone. Once again my husband works and I take care of the kids and we have a system especially with me being pregnant that he (my husband) doesn’t get much of him time because he helps me with the kids and any household stuff I need him to do. We do not have outside support it’s always just been us. We have no idea what to do but my ss8 will attack me or the other kids or the dog and most of the time I can talk him down before it escalates but here recently it’s been harder and harder to talk him down so about 1-2 times a week he acts out and it’s bad. Sometimes it happens when my husband is at work and I can’t no longer handle it physically and am wearing down emotionally. This pregnancy has been very hard on my body and mind. We want to keep our house open to them because of how their mom’s house is but with no outside support and things how they are I’m getting severely depressed. My therapist thinks I need to take it easy and separate myself at this point due to the pregnancy and lack of support our family has. We have tried so many different tactics with him and nothing works. Idk what to do. I’ll try and answer and questions and any advice would be nice. Sorry for the long post and I’m pretty new to Reddit so don’t really know all the abbreviations yet I’m sorry!

My bf’s daughter moved in with us a year ago. I had no idea she had zero executive functioning skills. She is 19 and it is still unsafe for her to drive. I could list a ton of issues with her but the one thing that made me explode was finding her bloody pad still stuck to her underwear along with bloody underpants in the hamper. Basically 12 months of this. I told her she was going to have to move back with her mother. She proceeded to run away to a cvs, purchase a stuffed animal and then cry until the police came. The police then interrogated me if I had physically abused her and I have not spoken to her since and that is six weeks ago. I am beside myself that this is the way I have to live in my own home. I know my bf would feel immense guilt making her move out. The mom is nuts. I feel very stuck.

I have one SD, I won’t get in to too much detail, but we have her 50/50 and she’s made my life hell the last 4 years and recently came home from a residential facility. I have been dealing with chronic health issues the last two years and have been incredibly sick. I wfh and own my own business, but with how sick I’ve been, it’s been hard to do that. DH works a lot and has to work weekends, holidays and has mandatory overtime. I am frustrated that BM won’t take her more this summer as I do not feel comfortable supervising a kid who just got out of residential, nor does my health allow me to. I personally do not feel safe around her.
But also the mental load I carry in our home is just too much, I handle all finances, bills, grocery, pet stuff, household, maintenance, scheduling, everything. DH gets to come home from work and just relax, I never get to. I do understand his job is a lot, but I’m also incredibly sick.
Recently I’ve hit my breaking point when our 5 year old hvac began leaking water and had been for some time. There is issues bc it was not installed up to code and had caused 10k+ in water damages. I was the one who learned that, decided to call a different company out as there were many things not up to code and I wanted an outside opinion. Now there are lawyers and insurance involved and it’s just a mess. I am the only one handling it, he did zero research, zero help.
I am just at my breaking point about the amount of mental load I am under. I have MCAS, POTS and EDS. I am chronically exhausted and just need something to give. DH keeps telling me I need to relax, do something that’s not stressful, but I don’t think he gets that by the time I handle everything, I don’t have any energy left for me, most days I don’t even have the energy to do anything but things have to be done.

Heyyyy ladies, I just want to start by saying I’m new here to this Reddit page so I may be a little lost with the terms. I’ve been a stepmom for the last 6 years to my stepdaughter. We have 50/50 custody, and our arrangement is rather weird because SD bounces back and forth each week. Not your typical 7 days on/off. I am starting to get really frustrated because I’ve noticed that I am buying new clothes for her almost every other week. Everytime she goes to Mom’s house we have her go in presentable clothes. School/summer camp(at her school) is our drop off/pick up point. So we never have to have contact with other parent. But when she comes back to us she comes dress in clothes that look worn out, stained, dingy, or not fitting. I don’t have the face to send her on our days back in those clothes. So I will usually pack it in her bag to take back. How do you guys handle this? We have asked multiple times if our clothes can get sent back and we usually get the response “oh I don’t know where that is or I don’t know what’s yours and mine”. I start to write on the tag “dad” then I notice tags go missing on clothes. I’ve taken pictures of the clothes and then I get the response of “I don’t have it” but then SD will send her dad little cute videos on mom’s days wearing our clothes. How can I stop this nasty behavior?

I am so beyond HCBM and all of her bs. Idk where to even begin..for starters DH gets SD (f4) every weekend. A couple of weekends ago HCBM texted DH bright and early Saturday morning asking if she could get SD for a couple of hours so they could go to a family cookout but stated it was okay if not. We had plans and also had a sitter scheduled for that night and her plans conflicted with our plans so DH said no..well of course that turned into a huge blowout. So we agreed that SD could go but she would have to stay the night and we would pick her up Sunday morning. BM agreed and said she was on her way to pick SD up. We wait almost an hour and she has not shown up. When asked where she was BM said nvm she can just stay..but we had already canceled the sitter so no that’s not gonna work. We end up dropping her off to BM and she starts yelling at DH calling him everything but a child of God. SD was visibly upset so I chimed in and said you know there’s children present let’s not do this..well that set her off and she tried to fight me and threw stuff at my car. We leave..not even an hour later she texts and says the “cookout” is over and we can pick SD up, but we were already at the event we were going to and we couldn’t. Well we don’t end up getting her Sunday morning and later that day BM goes to jail for domestic violence (her current boyfriend).

So now to the birthday party. We asked months ago who would be throwing the birthday party this year since we did it last year and she said she wanted to. She’s been giving us the run around in the months following..well turns out there was no birthday planned and SD birthday is in a week. She claims she can’t throw the birthday party because she used all of her money getting out of jail..so now DH has taken it upon himself…we all know that really means US..to throw this birthday party.

I am beyond fed up. I don’t even want to be a part of the party or hosting it. BM doesn’t have a job and hasn’t for months and just sits around all day drinking (who knows what else) and thinking of how she can make our lives harder. DH and I had an argument over this and I told him I’m done giving her passes and letting this behavior continue. At this point we are enabling her because she can just treat us any kind of way and do whatever she wants and we pick up the pieces.

I'm afraid SD 7 is showing signs of narcissism- in addition to the constant need for attention, disruptions, not allowing a conversation, needing to be seen as special, important and centered at all times (those things I have learned to deal with). She is CONSTANTLY climbing and jumping on DH- no other kids behave like this- especially at her age during school drop off. The other kids usually just stand there and wait. She is climbing up him, jumping on him, asking him to swing her like they're doing a circus act, standing on his hands. But it's constant. Especially at home. [edit: She is ADHD but does not do this at her mom's house]

But the root of the issue is he has no real boundaries with her. When he says "stop, don't, or no..." she just laughs and jumps on him harder or does whatever he tells her to stop doing a few more times. Or slowly tries to see what she can get away with while laughing. He doesn't have a FIRM "no". So sometimes when he is truly at his wit's end and cannot handle her physical (I'll call it) abuse, he locks up or gently physically stops her. She then acts like he hurt her. She will say "you dropped me!" or scream "ouch!" Or say "you threw me!" He doesn't recognize this theater and gets upset, arguing that he did not intentionally hurt her.

What I see from the outside looking in, is that because of these lack of boundaries, she is taking him not wanting her to climb on him as rejection. She is also very tall for her age and it's starting to get cumbersome. Kids horseplay has always deregulated my nervous system. But I also think he needs to teach her consent. She seems to just run up and grab him, kick him, pull his hair any time she wants. The only time she ever asks to touch him is if she wants him to pick her up. The most disturbing part is she kicks him in his privates- knowing how sensitive it is, intentionally. He often tells her "don't jump on me because you're going to kick me in the nuts". She says "no I won't", he gives her the benefit of the doubt and she does it. I told him this is extremely inappropriate...but I don't know what else to do.

Am I going crazy? Am I being insane? Or is this all valid?

Ever since I had my own kid with DH last year, our relationship has gone downhill because of his favoritism with his bio kids. I cannot take it anymore and tonight I decided that I’m leaving, and told him this. I cannot do it anymore.

It hurts so much seeing him be super dad with his 2 bio kids during his parenting time while leaving our child to the side. It hurts even more to see how once they leave, he acts like his life stops until they return.

It’s almost like he doesn’t want to participate in things with baby and my bio child who lives with us because he sees it as some sort of betrayal. He’s only enthusiastic and puts the effort when he has his bio kids in the mixture. Is anyone going through this? He wants the fun family activities planned during his weekends with his kids. When that’s the case, he’s so happy, super hands on, participative. When they are not there and I plan something, he’s miserable the whole time.

I can’t do it. I feel like it’s not fair for the child we share together.

Am I being ridiculous?! Is this normal and am I just not having enough empathy? I don’t need him constantly crying when they are not there.

I have already asked him to see a therapist for this.

My eldest stepdaughter is almost 21 years old and her birthday is upcoming. I usually go all out for birthdays and Christmas’ for both stepkids and get really nice jewellery, thoughtful gifts, Jellycats etc. This year when it was my birthday my eldest stepdaughter only sent a text message and my birthday wasn’t acknowledged except for that. She also works full-time and probably has more expendable income than I do. Her birthday is coming up and I feel like I don’t really want to get her anything after that, but my husband thinks that’s mean? But I feel like at her age, I should have been acknowledged in someway and it hurt me that she didn’t. Just would like some outside perspective of what you would do in this situation?

I live out of state with my husband. we get the SKs for a good part of the summer and 2-3 times per year and then we go up for holidays.

I love my husband but damn is being a stepmom thankless. I know we don’t have the kids much but ive been in their lives for 6 years and we did live near them for a while. I feel like all I do is order them around to pick up after themselves. have to remind them to do their homework (I work from home and husband work outside the house) bc they are both failing classes. have to take their phones away or they are glued to them.

i cook for them, try to do fun things if i can with them, and they always seem resigned and miserable. i don’t think I’m a monster and it’s very frustrating bc they only see me as this additional adult that tells them what to do. ugh.