Why I will never marry my SO
From what I've gathered from reading various related subreddits to this one, you're not a 'real' step mom until you marry. Once you get married his kids with another/other woman/women become your responsibility. No one should be held primarily responsible for children that aren't theirs and if marraige defines that responsibility, I will not be signing up.
I've seen countless posts of women who own their houses marrying a man with kids and it being expected that home they purchased with the intention of building their life in be made to fit their partners needs when that partner has other kids. The common theme seems to be lazy men who move into these spaces and then have no motivation to provide what is actually needed to provide for their children, yes we have partner problems.
There is the argument that more information is available, the new partners 'should' be able to see these men aren't caring for the kids they already have in the correct way. Love truly can blind a person and each person has their own sob story and it's not a horrible trait to want to give someone the benefit of the doubt, we're making the same mistakes at the end of the day by wanting to see potential in a person we care(d) about.
Well, I own my own small 2br home and I am pregnant to my SO and he is well aware he has another child who needs a space with him. He has his custody time through his parents house (as they continue to enable him) and all his mail is sent to that address. He does pay for a portion of utilities and groceries for this home, I see that as being an adult. As an adult utilizing resources, you contribute or you must leave. My child will have my other bedroom and I am making a nursery and no one will change my mind about this.
Thank you to the community here and those who brigade it because now I will never marry my partner and plan to retain my autonomy to make decisions about my home and who lives here. Its scary to think that I almost gave up my rights to my property by signing a piece of paper that honestly means nothing to me, you can love someone without a contract. My child will have a bedroom.
Does all this mean I don't love his child? I don't personally think so. I care for her and we take her places and I buy her gifts and treat her with love and kindness, however have placed boundaries around what I and willing to accept. I can love her and show her love without sacrificing what's best for myself and my child. She has two parents who put her first and my child has two parents as well. If I don't prioritize my own child, no one else will. This baby has the right to be #1 to me.
These posts of women being berated for wanting to give their own child a room in a home they own because a step needs/wants it are sad to me and I refuse that life.
Yes, I have a partner problem and I acknowledge that and make it aware to my SO. I hold the boundary that it is his responsibility to provide a space for his children and I get 'my share' of support by what he contributes here - but I won't be marrying him.
Whether or not our relationship will last depends on if he steps up for his children.
Step child asked if I would be a stay at home mom after I give birth and it was hard not to laugh. 'Who do you think pays my bills?' I asked, the response was 'my dad.' They have asked me this multiple times so I had to know the answer to this question, thankfully he backed me up and said there's no way he could afford that. 'Where will MY room be in your home?' Well, your father needs to provide a space large enough for all of us to live together and please do continue to ask him this question. It is time for him to be accountable to his child as I won't be the scapegoat anymore. I don't know where these beliefs came from in the first place, but there needed to be some correction as I am not taking anything from step child or their father.
Step child has things exactly as they existed before I came along and it is her father's job to prioritize her and provide for her. I understand he has other priorities and I emotionally support that, but I won't be financially supporting it.
Before you judge me for not helping my partner, know that I hold the belief that owning two cars is a luxury and one that should be sacrificed if your children do not have a home with you. I won't sacrifice when the bio parent does not and I think that's perfectly fine. Each child has a strong woman providing a home for them and a loser father doing the bare minimum.
Thank you if you read my rant!