Is it a crime to get a kid a haircut?
SD10 has incredibly thick hip length hair. I’ve witnessed over the last 5 years that DH has never been good at managing it. He sucks at brushing it, always misses huge amounts, can barely get it in a pony, will not manage it daily on his own no matter how many times he is told that’s what it needs, I have to be the reminder and I don’t like to “nag” so sometimes SD goes a few days without hair care. BM has been coaching him on how to wash and brush for years, there will often be “what happened to her hair this week” when she picks her back up because it is matted, which makes him mad when called out but dude, you’re the problem. I had tried to help in the beginning, but apparently I “gave SD low self esteem” (actually the kids words) by showing him what he was doing wrong and how to correct it. So I am hands off now and just watch them struggle and suffer. In all that time, SD had never once been expected or able to brush her own hair. She never even tried. Which blows my mind.
It all came to a head this year when I told DH I’m done having her looking (and actually being) neglected all the time; if SHE wants the pretty long hair, SHE needs to be responsible for it or I’m taking her for a haircut whether anybody likes it or not. SD has since started trying to brush her own hair. She struggles horribly with it. I give her the same tips every time: stand in front of a mirror, start at the bottom, etc etc. but she’ll always end up standing in front of the tv just ripping through her hair until she breaks a brush and gives up, leaving wads of hair all over the house. I’ve told them both repeatedly that it needs to be in a braid at night so it’s not as big of an issue in the morning and they just can’t figure it out or be bothered to care. I’ve told them both that having long hair is a lifetime of daily maintenance and the good habits need to be built now, she needs to look in the mirror every day and know when her hair needs cared for, but he “doesn’t want her to have low self esteem” so doesn’t tell her to brush her hair in the morning when it’s a huge tangled mess and they will still go a few days at a time without addressing it. He will usually wait until we are about to be going out in public or see family to tell her to brush her hair, which then makes us very late because it is so messed up. So I know he can see when it is bad and is not just “man-blind” to it. I see brushing your hair as basic hygiene and a skill all kids should have long before 10, but they treat it as optional.
Anyways, to the point. Lo and behold, now that she has to brush it herself SD has seen how high maintenance her hair is and started asking me about cutting it. I told her it will always grow back and would be much easier to learn on if it were shorter, or even keep the length but add some layers. I have very thick hair as well where neither of her parents do, so I totally get it and remember what it was like to deal with as a kid. Several visits ago she told me she would come back with a haircut. She did not and said that her mom didn’t want to do it. I offered but she said her mom would get to it. This time she came back and a couple of inches had been very unevenly trimmed. Her hair is still to her butt, very straight and has noticeable jagged edges. The girls hair line looks like a heart monitor, I actually thought she did it herself but she said her mom trimmed it. She told me she still wants it shorter, she was thinking more shoulder length, but her mom didn’t want to go that short. Is this a scenario where it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission and just take her to have a professional haircut while her dad is at work? I know that both DH and BM would be very unhappy if I did so, but SD would be pleased and they would get over it eventually. But they’re not managing it on either end (sorry BM, she should have been learning how to brush long before now, especially since you knew her dad was wrecking it 50% of the time) or letting SD do what she wants to make it easier for herself to manage.
TL;DR
SD wants a drastic haircut but DH and BM won’t let her, should I?