55M, Married for 30 years with 54F. Wife ignored my side of family but wants me to accommodate her mother with us forever.
Early Life: Grew up in middle class family. Both parents came from rural/village background. Father was graduate and mother uneducated. Father worked hard and saw success in life – Had company provided car and phone – was massive thing in mid 1970s.
Early 80s father started business which did not work. Family struggled financially for next 15 odd years. Lost my elder brother in the period. Somehow all 6 siblings managed education.
Self: I studied and worked hard. Managed to get job in multi-national company. I did overseas assignments and reached senior leadership in company. I married off my sisters and supported my brother’s business, besides monthly financial support to parents. Managed to buy two houses (I live in one in South India and another in my hometown in North India where my mother with brother lives). Financed kids’ post-graduation from UK/US. My father passed away 10 years ago.
Spouse: She is homemaker, though she tried job few times for short duration. Her father had Govt job, unfortunately got handicapped in accident prior to our marriage. Later he developed cancer and passed away about 15 years ago. Her brother had developed brain tumor after about 2 years of our marriage. He passed away 3 years ago due to lung cancer. I have been very mindful and empathetic to her experiences.
Issues/Experiences: We have been married for ~30 years:
1. She always ignored/disrespected my parents and siblings. Just couple of weeks into our marriage she asked the TV (gifted in marriage), to keep in our bedroom. She did not want anyone to watch her TV.
2. Every time we went to my parent’s place, 2~3 times a year during kids’ school holidays. There would always be unpleasant arguments on something. Some instances indicate that she would look for reasons for arguments. She always insisted and stayed more than 50% at her parents’ place.
3. During marital discords & disconnects, she would always bring my parents and siblings into the arguments which I never did. I stuck to our disconnects/issues.
4. Her mother during early days of our marriage, when I tried to seek her intervention for harmony in our lives, she told me that if your family and wife do not go together – I should start living separately, even suggesting separation. Always sided with daughter – my wife. I have 4 sisters, all staying with in-laws, who have had some issues in their families, and I/we never gave them such advice.
5. On three different occasions, my wife clearly told me that she will not look after my parents during their old age. Once my father came to my place after a month in hospital, she stayed at her parents’ place and second time she left for her parent’s place once she knew my parents were visiting. My parents came to my home twice and left within few weeks due to environment in our home. Post my father’s demise, I got my uneducated mother to my place twice and both times, I had to send her alone.
6. During her father’s illness, I was single parent for extended periods balancing home, kids, and job. When we were in our hometown, I drove them down to hospital for two full weeks, every day.
7. During her brother’s illness, I stood by her like a rock. Even her family recognized it.
8. I gifted Rs.1L for her sister’s wedding in mid 2000s.
9. She takes pocket money every month for her personal expenses. Sometimes, I could not send monthly money to my parents but never my wife’s pocket money. Sometimes when I was financially tight, I had to manage her pocket money.
Our home environment has been less than cordial, so much so that our kids also do not enjoy staying with us.
Never spoke of any inconvenience when she went to her hometown to be with her family at times at hours’ notice – flying every time.
Her biggest complaint about me is money I spent on supporting my parents/siblings. Even today, when she has not met my parents/siblings for 10+ years, she still brings them into the discussions/bad mouth them.
Difficult Situation leading to severe stress:
1. I am made villain of the house in front of kids for supporting my paternal family. She has influenced kids right from childhood to the extent that I believe my kids maintain distance from me and my parents and siblings. But they reach out to me and trust me to stand with them when needed. I shielded kids from our disconnects – Would take time off from work to try and sort out our differences, every time situation got worse. She would say that kids should know everything.
2. Her mother/siblings have stayed at our place many times for 6 months minimum. In last 6 years, for more than 4.5 years either her mother had stayed with us or my wife had gone to hometown to stay with her mother.
3. She has two other sisters who somehow “stay away” from owning their responsibility.
4. Her sisters are more invested in their family and in-laws. She has even made more efforts to cultivate connections with them.
5. Now her mother is living with us for more than a year and she wants her mother to live with us forever. For last 6+ years either her mother stayed with us or my wife stayed with her mother leaving me alone. Till recently, I maintained cordial relations with her family. But now, I have had enough, if my parents could not stay with us, she has not maintained any connection with my parents/siblings, her mother should not stay with us forever. Minimum, her sisters should share responsibility. I am OK to stay alone and let her look after her mother in her hometown, if her sisters are unwilling to look after their mother. Is this reasonable/balanced expectation? I am just not able to put this behind me.
I have pent-up resentment; I am sure she has as well. I wish we had managed our challenges/ differences/needs cordially, but it takes two to tango.
Seeking feedback specially women on:
- Is it unreasonable to expect balance when it comes to supporting both sets of parents?
- Is it fair on her/her sisters to make her mother stay with us while she has ignored my family
- What blind spots might I have in how I view my role, expectations, or my wife’s behavior?
TL/DR - Wife ignored my parents/siblings, fights with me. Her family stays for long periods with us. Feeling helpless due to impact on kids, her double standards – ignoring my family but expecting me to accommodate her mother forever.