Over 2 years later, I still think about her everyday.
As the title says, its been over two years, and I still think about my ex girlfriend, re-live a good moments, and miss her every single day. My life before her was very black and white, a life of medical issues since birth, a life of pain and isolation, a life without much social experience. She came into my life like the brightest sunrise id ever seen, her smile was the first time I ever saw color in my heart, and it was the color of her.
Long story short though, even if it seemed like we had 95% compatibility, the 5% that took over the 95% was the horrendous levels of communication, constant arguments, double standards, and the fact that our love and respect for one another weren't on the same level. She dumped me after we got back from a vaction together, because she claimed God was telling her to do so. As a Christian I ultimately had to respect her claim, but tbh.. it truly broke me, and hardened my heart as a man, especially after sacrificing what felt like.. anything and everything for her, even to my own detriment.
A few months of reflection down the road, she claimed I was the healthies love she ever had, tells me how great of a man I am and that she wanted to try again (which wasnt the first time) but at that point in our relationship, not running back to her like I always did was the hardest, most soul crushing thing ive ever had to do in my life, because to this day im still in love with her, my first ever love/relationship....but because of the hurtful ways she treated me mentally and emotionally that I forgive..but I cannotforget, not returning was the last shres of hope I had to love and respect myself for once.
So here I am, 2 years later, still crying, still not wanting to date, still in pain and lacking confidence from some of the hurtful things she said about me. Ive returned to the only thing I knew before her, the same black and white world of pain. Im just numb and going through the motions as I try to put on a smile.
Im currently in therapy, I try to do fun things or explore new hobbies but everything i do is stained with a memory of what it would be like if she was still there. Still wishing things could've worked, still wondering why she couldn't just love, respect, and accept me the same way I unconditionally did for her. Still asking God some days why I had to go through all of that if it just left me worse off emotionally, than I was before. I'm tired of my heart physically hurting, im tired of every song reminding me of her, im tired of being tired.
Still being in love with someone who broke your heart, still missing the memories, even though you know the relationship brought more chaos and stress than love and peace, is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I truly hope that someday it gets better, I hope someday I will find it in my heart to love again.