I think I hate my father, and I don’t know if I’m wrong for feeling this way.
Since I was around 14, I started realizing a lot of bad things about him. He always embarrassed me in front of guests, my uncles, cousins, and family members. I’ve struggled with anxiety for years, and instead of helping me, he would laugh at me and make jokes about how much of a “loser” I was because I didn’t get good grades or because I preferred staying home instead of going outside with friends.
Growing up, I wore horrible clothes. Sometimes I literally went to school wearing his oversized clothes because I had nothing else. Then while driving me to school, he would mock me for how I looked and compare me to my friends who dressed better and “took care of themselves.”
He’s also abusive toward my mother. Whenever they fought, he insulted her with the most disgusting words I’ve ever heard. She never divorced him because our economy is terrible and society here treats divorced women horribly.
One memory that really stayed with me happened when I was around 12. My mom got some money and bought me new clothes and a phone. I was at my grandma’s house when he came to pick me up. The moment he saw me dressed nicely, he started laughing and saying me and my mom had no taste and that we got scammed by the people who sold us the clothes. My mom stayed at her parents’ house after that, but I had to go back home because of school. He ignored me and acted angry that he had to prepare dinner for me, as if I was a burden. I was literally 11 or 12 years old.
Things got even worse during my teenage years. He never helped me understand life or build confidence. I grew up with so much anxiety and depression that I reached a point where I hated even looking at myself in the mirror. I’ve always tried to be a good son, but I never felt like he was proud of me.
When I was 17 and preparing for my bac exam, he didn’t support me at all. In fact, he barely spoke to me that entire year. And it wasn’t just me — my two older sisters suffered from him too. One of my sisters got married, and suddenly he started acting differently toward her in front of her husband. Around him, my dad would constantly bully me and try to make me look stupid because I stay in my room a lot and don’t go outside much.
I even remember one time I had chest pain and my mom begged him to take me to the hospital. He started yelling at me because apparently I interrupted him while he was watching TikToks. When he finally agreed to take me, he gave me no money. I literally had to beg the receptionist to let me in and promised I’d bring the payment the next morning. Then later he walked in acting like the perfect caring father in front of everyone, calling me “son” like nothing happened.
At home, I avoid him completely. If he walks into a room, I leave. If he’s sitting with my mom, I get up and go away. Part of it is hate, but honestly most of it is fear. I’m scared he’ll start mocking me, yelling at me, or making me feel small again.
The strange thing is that his own father — my grandpa — was one of the kindest people I’ve ever known. I loved him so much, and he always treated me with warmth until he passed away.
So yeah… I think I hate my father.
Am I being unreasonable? Do I have the right to feel this way? Or am I just selfish and blowing things out of proportion?