I believe my mother loves my sister more than me
I (F23) believe that my mother loves my younger sister (18) more than she loves me. Firstly, they talk much more than I do, with my mother saying it's because my sister initiates more conversations with her and talks more about her life with her than I do. Which is partially true because I do tend to be more reserved, but that was only because I was always very lonely and neglected by my mother, who is a businesswoman and had to do everything alone so I had to deal with the bullying I experienced during my pre-teen years on my own, and I didn't feel comfortable opening up to her about it until later in my life. Since we were little, there's always been this difference. I don't know if it's because my sister is lighter-skinned than me and I look more like my mother. I have dark skin, curly hair, etc. Since my father is white, and my sister was born as white as a board. Or maybe it's because she's always been in more trouble since she was little. But that hasn't changed since we grew up. My mother remains closer to my sister, and I can't help but resent her for it. Both my mother and my sister.
First, I had to work for her to get money for an exchange program, which was my dream, and then to get even more money after the exchange. I also gave my mother five thousand, paying her back for the costs she had helped me with for the trip, etc, and to help her out with a loan she had to take. I've always been independent and never liked being financially dependent on anyone, and I already was eighteen when this happened. The thing is, my mother never offered to pay for me. She only helped me with a few things, and I know I insisted on paying her back, but...I've always had a sense of responsibility that it shouldn't be unfair, that I should also contribute. And up to that point, everything was fine, I accepted it without a problem and we had a good relationship. The issue is that now...My sister is eighteen years old, she's living with my grandmother in another city far from my mother, and my mother is covering all the expenses for her. All her outings to museums, a Japanese course, swimming lessons, superfluous and expensive things my sister wants to buy and more! Everything! She used to work, but apparently she quit and now she just lives off my mother. And she's always going to the movies, going out with friends to drink, etc. Something I never did or thought about doing, because even though my mother has a company, it's a small company. She's not rich, she lives paycheck to paycheck because she pays her employees well and because of the big loan she took with my aunt a few years ago.
And my sister doesn't have the necessary common sense to realize that. She doesn't care at all. She's constantly asking her for money and posting about it on social media, joking about it like it's nothing. She's always going out, ordering Ubers which are expensive, leaving my grandmother, who is sick and has high blood pressure, alone at home while she feels unwell, so she can spend the day going out with guys she met on the movies. It's ridiculous how selfish and senseless she is. And when I tell my mother this, she says she feels sorry for her and puts herself in my sister's place, saying that when she (my mother) was younger, she didn't have the same opportunities that my sister has now to live. But what about me? She talks to me as if I weren't her daughter, but a friend, a colleague that she's venting about her daughter. And that hurts so much. To the point where I can't feel loved anymore because of my family and the way they treat me. Because my father is also another issue in this... Present but not essentially present. And I'm sure he prefers my sister too, because, you know, she's more like him appearance wise. But that's something I'll never know since we've never talked about anything together. Anyway, I just wanted to vent about this, because I've reached a terrible point in my life in every possible way and I don't know at this point if I even have any value anymore. I'm so tired of trying to prove my worth to people, to show that I also have value that I don't know if I should even bother anymore.
I also feel extreme guilt when I ever need to ask my parents for any help. They think I'm silly for this, but when it comes to actually needing their help in the past, I couldn't reach it so I try my best to avoid ever needing them for anything in my personal life ever again.