22M - Haven't hung out with my college friend group the last few months, one of them told me he and everyone else isn't my friend anymore. AITA?
To preface; I currently live at home with my family, about 2.5 hours away from where I went to college. Most of the people in our friend group still live there to this day while I have been home since May 2023.
I have severe self esteem issues that created a lot of problems in my life. I am doing better day by day but it helps to provide this context before reading.
Our friend group started with me and two of my random roommates freshman year (2021-22), who I'll call Ben and Shane.
I'm a very introverted soul; when I met Ben and Shane, I could immediately tell they were the opposite of that. It didn't matter most of the time because we shared similar hobbies. The times it did matter were when we went out. I'd go to a party expecting to hang with my boys because I didn't care to make new friends on a whim. Everytime I went out I'd find myself alone within five minutes while they were off doing their own thing. I'm considerate enough to not get in the way of that. If they wanted to engage with me, they would. It wasn't the end of the world because I knew outside of that we were still close.
During Freshman year, we added a few friends to the group who carried along into Sophomore year. I lived with Shane for another year, while Ben went back home after freshman year because he transferred. After this point Ben was close to the group but rarely came up to hang. Ben coincidentally lived five minutes away from my current home, so I'd see him semi frequently.
Sophomore year started good. I was living with Shane who was literally the most extroverted person I personally knew. We lived with Shane's cousin and cousin's girlfriend, who was also Shane's best childhood friend. These two don't directly matter to the story but provides context. The 3 of them come from a small town about an hour from our college town.
While Shane was extroverted, he was usually a kind soul, making it very easy for him to make friends with anyone he spoke to. He was a big partier, like I previously mentioned. Now owning our house, he would want people over nearly every weekend. I didn't care as long as I was able to do what I wanted. A week after Halloween, he lets me know that someone from a nearby city to his hometown is coming up to hangout with a few friends (I'll call him James). It's a dude and they're all dudes so I have no issue. Once James is at our house and I meet him, he already started telling me some obscenities that really bothered me. I didn't do nothing to him, I knew I didn't deserve to hear the things he said. I don't think it matters to go into real detail, just knowing it was things I didn't need to be told by someone who just met me (physical insecurities).
On the night James came over, all of his friends left him to go to another house. This led to James leaving some time later and coming back to spend the rest of the weekend at our house. The next week, Shane told me again that James was coming up. It led to him coming up nearly every single weekend from November to March. Shane was okay with it because James was typically good to him during that time period. Shane also had a hard time saying no to really anything. James gave off the vibe he was a "frat bro" with a douche tone and the desire for the weights, the women, and alcohol. He was also a year younger than me.
One part about Shane is he seemed to get into drama frequently. If you didn't want to do something Shane wanted, he'd be upset and make sure to let you know. I never tried to have this side of Shane come out. It was easy for me becuase I've been pretty careless in life to the regards of what I do with my time. James always liked stirring the pot and creating unnessesary drama within the friend group. I can give countless examples but I don't think it matters because it takes away from my point.
After I was done in my college town, I'd still go there to hang about once a month. I was doing that up until October of last year. Since then they've done friendsgiving, James's birthday, and most recently a graduation.
The reason for my absense is because I have serious self esteem issues, which has diverted from my body to my status in life. I don't have a lot going on in my life to talk about, combined with my introversion leads me to not want to be present in nearly all social settings. Regarding the friend group, it stems from James being the way he is. Since knowing him for over three years he's lied about countless pointless things and never takes accountability for his actions.
I thought to myself for a long time that I am better off never associating with this person again because of these things and when I am around him, I feel I need to be on his level to an extent which causes me to hate myself.
I tried talking to James about this directly over a year ago and he blames it on his ADHD, which I believe to be a copout. I personally have attention problems and it doesn't lead me to be verbally disrespectful to others. I believe how we are raised provides the biggest contributor to that quality about someone. I'm no expert so prove me wrong. The next time I tried was in December. I included how I feel about myself and thats all he wanted to say from his end. When I asked how he feels with what I said about himself, he never responded and hasn't texted me since.
A few weeks ago I wanted to talk to Shane about it because he never came to me to see what's up for a few months. I never went to him directly until recently because the last time I did it, which was about two years ago, he gave him the benefit of the doubt which I didn't understand.
I tried explaining it to him and all he had to say was to be "unbothered and civil" with him. He said distancing myself from him "has literally stopped all of our friendships with you." I got upset because I've been civil with James since the moment I met him, I thought he would sympathize with me at first because James has disrespected Shane too many times to count. I don't like how he's speaking for everyone in the group either. Shane has a leadership type personality, it can make sense but I still don't get it. I thought I was really close to Shane, so when he told me this it made me think he doesn't care about me anymore. He's a very busy person, but I know him well enough to know how much he cares about the people around him.
What I am most bothered by is that these people in the friend group are allowing this person to stay in it while he's still creates drama to this day. While it's not as prominent, I don't think it matters once you're an adult.
In general I don't really ever reach out to people and I know that it's considered a problem if I want friends. I didn't expect it to be that big of a deal with me and Shane because of our distance and I've known him for almost 5 years. Whenever we are in person it's like we can pick up where we left off no problem. During my absence, I even shared how his Aunt gotten taken by ICE in January to show support. He didn't react or anything but I don't care about that. However, I'm the type of person who doesn't do that type of thing unless I really care about and have respect for the other person.
I'm 100 percent missing details but I don't want to make it too long. Am I in the wrong going about it the way I did (AITA)? I never felt very close to any of them except Shane so that's my main concern here. The rest are acquaintances that I met through Shane and people I already know I'm cool with because they say they understand my point of view.
Feel free to let me know if you have questions and/or want more context.