Sick of being invisible
I'm so sick of never being considered. I'm sick of being friends with people who say " I can't imagine how hard it must be to be a single mom" and then move on. Have you ever tried to consider?? Have you tried to put yourself in my shoes??
I tried to vent to a friend about how it's pay to play because I have to have a babysitter for any alone time or to go anywhere. I have no co-parent. I have no family. Her response, " I understand pay to play, anytime my husband and I want to go on a date. We have to get a babysitter".... drastically different things.
Or, when my partner and I broke up last year, I lost income to be able to do anything. I'm paying for all the bills, the house, the car, everything. They say one thing, oh we will make sure we get you included and we make things work, and then promptly price me out of all activities.
Also, why are people so empty? It's like I can't find any people with depth. I left the last friend group I was in. They cared more about Taylor Swift than they did about not hitting their kids in the mouth. They enabled their spouses to be terrible to them and then defended them. And when I stood up for my friends saying they deserved better , I was told that just because I was divorced and I had a shitty (abusive) marriage, that not everyone's is like that. It's like they are happy being naive and I'm not. I never felt like I fit in, but man did I notice the difference whenever I became fully single. (Divorced 3 years, left a two-year relationship last year after the guy cheated because he was insecure) ( I was a mess. The last breakup sent me to urgent care three times. I've been working my way through mental health hell since. I needed support. I keep getting told to ask for help. I don't have the energy. And if I'm silent, everyone just says, oh I thought you were doing better....)
I'm sick of soccer moms treating me like less, basically. I've lived more of a Life than any of them. I was in military leadership, I've seen a lot of bad marriages. I've also met a lot of different people. I left after they continued to discredit my history and experiences. Not that they ever wanted to learn about me anyway. Basically just a warm body filling a seat so the girl who organized game nights would feel popular.
I'm so sick of being held responsible for every little thing and everything for my child, being criticized for not being perfect, But then no one understands how I hold it all together, people comment about how hard it must be but they never offer help. If I ask for help, no one's available.
It's not just isolating being the mom and dad, it's isolating because people don't want to consider or care about anybody besides themselves. I've always been thoughtful and loving and empathetic. I've always paid attention to my friends, if they get silent, If they seem off, I check on them. I went fully silent and my friends didn't notice, didn't even check on me. If I can be that easily ignored, then they don't deserve what I bring to the table. I felt a huge sense of relief when I decided to not participate anymore or interact with him.
I want friendships with depth. I want friends that will help me bury a body and that want to get to know me. These people didn't. Am I the only one that wants this?
Don't even get me started on the relationship side of things. I'm at the point, where human interaction takes so much of a toll, that I don't think it's worth it anymore. I'm not trying anymore for myself. I'm trying to grow a community so my kids have more than just me.