How do I emotionally “decenter” my mother while still living at home before my wedding?
I (26F) am South Asian and currently living at home while saving before getting married in a couple months and moving in with my partner about 6 months after the wedding. (Because of financial reasons)
My mother has always been quite critical of my appearance, but it gets significantly worse when my fiancé visits. She becomes very focused on my body/looks and makes comments about me needing to change my appearance so I look “better” next to him.
For context: my father has told her years ago hes not attracted anymore and shes let herself go. Which is why his gaze wanders. He also lies to her frequently about finances. Shes a housewife with no other skills.
She has also told me I probably “manipulated or scared him” into calling me perfect, even though my fiancé is genuinely very kind and supportive.
The confusing part is she has been pushing me to get married for years, but whenever my partner is actually around, she gets noticeably more critical and strange about my appearance.
When I’ve tried confronting her or reacting emotionally in the past, it escalates into yelling, and later she involves other family members and reframes the situation.
My fiancé is supportive, but I still have a few months to a year left living at home and I feel mentally drained.
At this point I don’t want confrontation or big talks. I just want to emotionally decenter her, treat her comments as background noise, and do the minimum engagement needed while I save and leave.
Part of me also wants to sit her down and finally tell her everything I’ve held in for years, and completely confront her about her behaviour. But I’m not sure if that would actually help or just make things worse.
I also feel like I’m reaching a point where I want to stop trusting her with personal things entirely, and I’m even questioning whether I should let her host or be involved when my fiancé visits at all.
At this point I don’t want big emotional conversations or fights. I just want to decenter her and not see her as my mother nor pity her or get tricked into a false sense of security AGAIN. treat her comments as background noise, and do the minimum engagement needed while I save and leave.
How do I actually do this in practice while still living at home and with them paying for the wedding etc.