DONT LOSE THE BLAME GAME
I, too, like many of you often search through this subreddit when I’m feeling down and in need of hope for my past relationship. I was with a girl for 5 years (my first love, ages 15-20). She broke up with me in December and immediately gave me oral sex afterwards. It’s been in intense push and pull for the past 5 months, but a month ago she blocked me/ unfollowed me on almost everything after I criticized her for reposting something that said “The feminine urge to scream liar every time a man opens his mouth.”
She calls me a liar (my assumption) because I agreed to a “no pressure” situation, but the last time we had sex a bit over a month ago she cried in my arms telling me that I deserved better and she could be that. After that, I went back to college for my last month of the semester and she instantly got more distant. I wouldn’t have been so upset if she wouldn’t have made those promises. I was blocked as soon as I brought those promises up.
Me and her went through problems and I made my mistakes, but I will NEVER accept full blame for this situation. She brings up arguments we had a year ago that she claimed she forgave me for, told me she felt like she “stayed too long” despite still wanting to be involved with me. She says she lost herself in me and that it negatively affected her confidence, but honestly, wtf does that even have to do with me??? Absolutely nothing is the answer, thats her problem and her fault.
I love this girl and I want her back but I will not tolerate losing this weird ego battle. What should I do, lose myself in her because she did the same?? Hell no. If she’s gonna get back with me, it’s gonna be because she took accountability and decided to be an adult. I see a lot of you guys admitting that the relationship failure is 100% ur fault, and Im just here to assure you guys that 99.9% of the time that is NOT the case and you are BEING MANIPULATED.
Even if your ex isnt a bad person, power dynamics exist in ALL relationships, and a person trying to convince u it was all ur fault is simply (consciously or not) trying to turn the tides of that power dynamic completely in their favor. Its okay to have desire for change and a chance to restart, but it is NOT okay once they start to make u feel like they are a better person. NO…they are just as messed up as you are and that’s why you guys were together, if they were so much better, it wouldn’t have even happened. A lot of the times, people end relationships over things that have literally nothing to do with the other person and will belittle you as an excuse to ease their guilt of simply being exhausted.
Today is my 21st birthday, and honestly, I’m a bit anxious. Will she hit me up? Will she finally acknowledge that the way she’s handled the situation was just as, if not more childish than myself? Silence is not healing especially when its abrupt, its a lack of emotional regulation. I’d love to have a conversation but Im standing strong. If I hear from her and things go well, I’d love that, but if I don’t, its just more confirmation as to where she is in life.
But the one thing is, I’m so confident in how I treated her. For a minute, she definitely had me feeling like it was all my fault, but after being blocked for a month and reflecting, I’ve realized that there are women who would kill to be loved the way I loved her. There are women out here who have never experienced the type of attention and care I bring to a relationship. I wasn’t perfect with me ex, but bottom line, I tried my absolute hardest day in and day out. I made the utmost amount of sacrifices for her. If she doesn’t see that she ultimately is kinda dumb, and didn’t deserve my love in the first place.
And for all of you who are suffering through this blame game, I hope you do your best to adopt a similar mindset eventually. FORCE THE ACCOUNTABILITY DOWN THEIR THROATS WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT. ITS JUST AS MUCH OF THEIR FAULT AS IT IS YOURS AND IF THEY CANT SEE THAT THEN F-THEM! I know it isn’t easy, as I spent the first 2-3 weeks of this period sick and desperate. But trust me, you will come to your senses sooner or later.