Blended families- with alienation. What are your dynamics? What should mine be?
I have a wonderful fiance with 2 kids- m7, and f10. They're great kids and my stepson adores me, my stepdaughter does too- but from a small distance from their mother alienating them from my fiance. (False allegations, lying to the kids, intercepting visitation)- she's ripped custody away about 5 times from extreme "drug and alcohol abuse" false allegations. My fiance has never come back with drugs or alcohol in his system, even after dozens of urine tests and even a hair follicle test. Now her and her lawyer are even pushing for "soberlink" which is insane control BS that the judge didn't even regard during court. Currently she refuses to settle, so we just had a pre-trial hearing- and they're asking for *another* pre-trial hearing that's in June (which I don't know what to expect- for anyone who has gone as far as trial- i would love any experiences you have)
But I think that's just another stalling technique on their end.
Despite that, we've gotten visitation back and the kids are coming over every other weekend again- which is up from 5 hours every weekend. (I know it's a "win" but it doesn't feel like it because it took us an entire year in court to get back to this point)
Their mom got pregnant again shortly after meeting a guy, and that kid is 2m now and lives with them at his house with their mom.
I'm also curious as to what you call your step-parents when you have both parents in your life. Do you call them by their names? What are your dynamics?
Also, I'm not sure where me boundaries should be. My stepson (I say "my son"- he is like a mini me in all of the strangest ways. We joke that he's part of my family "soul pod". My stepson honestly regards me higher than his actual mom most of the time. It's sweet and incredibly flattering, but also maybe slightly concerning. He treats me like I'm his bio mom, and I don't force anything. I've known him since he was in diapers. He accidentally calls me "mom". He's a brilliant old soul. Very strong sense of his identity and what he wants for himself. Last year he was bringing things from their house and leaving them at ours -
I'm just not exactly sure where my boundaries should be between affection and discipline, and anything else I guess. As they get older I know they need support in other ways. It hasn't been a problem yet, but his mom has tried to make them problems in court.
I'm also curious/worried about how much "mothering" I should be doing vs my fiance. They both adore me- but due to their mother trying to scare them so often about their dad and I- I don't want to do something that crosses a biological parenting line. What happens if my stepdaughter needs female care over one of our weekends? I'm asking because their mom has sent her here with a full blown fungal infection with no notice about it at all. She took her to the doctor and gave her antifungal cream - but didn't mention it or sent it with her. The kids told us. I had ointment that could help, and told my fiance, and I told my stepdaughter with his permission, but she wouldn't accept it. I know I can't always let that happen. I know she only said no because her mom made her feel like she couldn't trust us. But I don't obviously want to force medicine on her. Is there another way we could approach this? I'm terrified that she'll get her period and won't speak up if she needs help with that or something else.
We're fighting for 50/50 custody but their mom has thwarted that for years. We've been fighting for 4+ years (3+ in court). The judge finally sees how their mother behaves due to her withholding the kids on Halloween against every order the judge put into place stating that we have them for that day. Unfortunately though, the AFC is only seeing them every few months via zoom, and everything is just incredibly slow in family court. It only now feels like it's 50/50 regarding fairness in court. Before, the judge took all of the ex's hearsay as fact, and cut visitation outright without any evidence.
We only haven't gotten married yet because we want them to be there, but know that everything is too fragile right now to assume we'd have them and know it can't be tampered with. Honestly we probably have to hide our wedding because if she knows about it, she'll withhold them.
I guess I'm looking for different types of responses, but I'm curious how to breach the instilled "fear" they've got to deal with; family dynamics continuing; stepparents regards their alienated step-kids, and boundaries too. I never push them to do anything they don't want to, but I know there will be times where they have to do things they might not want to, and their dad has been undermined at every step, so I genuinely feel like they'd actually listen to me more easily- but I want them to understand we're both authority figures to be listened to. It's also difficult because when we only have them every other week- it's not like a "typical family" because every time we've had custody, their mother impeded it. So when we see them, we try to have as much fun as possible, and make the most of it. But it's hard to consider giving them "chores" or just getting to a place where they feel like they can do/ get things for themselves water or food without asking for it. I want it to get to a point where they're comfortable with both of us instead of it feeling like they're coming to a distant relatives house that they like a lot.
Anyway, thanks for the responses and any thoughts!