r/ParentalAlienation

One of the hardest things about parental alienation is being treated like you're the parent who walked away, when you've spent years trying to stay in your child's life.

You call. They don't answer.

You text. They don't respond.

You ask to see them. They refuse.

You keep showing up, remembering birthdays, holidays and important moments, even when you're no longer included in them.

And eventually, people start asking why you don't have a relationship with your own child.

As if you simply chose not to.

What makes it even harder is that the longer the estrangement continues, the more it starts to look normal to everyone else.

But there's a difference between a parent who abandoned their child and a parent whose attempts to maintain a relationship keep being rejected.

I'm not saying every case of estrangement is parental alienation. But for those of us who have experienced it, that distinction matters.

What hurts more: the rejection from your child, or having people believe you must have done something to deserve it?

Hello,
I can’t guarantee that my post will help you but it might be worth the long read.

I copied my reply to another poster today, but my post deserves its own post. Thank you for reading, if you have a few minutes.

I can relate to your story well. I hear you. I see you! My post is long, but I have much information that may help you and others, possibly. I deserved answers for two decades; I found them in a book that I mentioned far below. I hope you will read to the end. Again, sorry it’s so long.

My son is 38; I know where he lives as he has his own home and a great career that he has worked hard for. (I was an elementary teacher and “learning” was my gift to my kids). It wouldn’t be right to invade his personal space, but I have sent birthday cards, gift cards inside holiday cards. Not one reply. He was alienated from me at age 11. His target parent did everything in his power to destroy me and our relationship. Everything!

I feel the same heartbreak as you. I am stuck in prolonged grief and loss. The loss of parenthood, being blamed and erased for what the real abuser did to him and his younger sister, slowly from his early childhood days. I wasn’t aware because I would not hate my ex more than I loved my children.

You are correct. People do not understand. People watch you and I grieve the loss of a living child but they aren’t curious or supportive to us in any way. To them, their easy answer is to blame us. It’s the death of a thousand paper-cuts, each damn day. The alienated parent is innocent! My situation is different to the norm.

My ex created an enormous daily amount of conflict in my own home, post divorce. He undermined absolutely everything I did by as a protective parent. Cub scouts, mental health services, seeing his emotional hurt in his very being.

I love my son and saw the major depression he was experiencing. His teachers reported this to me but I saw it too. I took him for in-patient help, suggested m his grade school counselor, but the father demanded he be released the next day. My son was craving his father’s attention and love, which is why he caused so much rule breaking and disrespect to me and his sister in my home. I had no trade books or resources to help me name this phenomenon in the 2000’s. None had been written yet. I could not help him as he desired to live with his father. I broke from the high conflict, and told him he could go. I couldn’t bear how large this had become!!! Father sent him to live with grandparents two hours north of me. My son felt betrayed. I felt betrayed.

Now both of my adult children have erased me from their lives. I highly encourage anyone interested in COERCIVE CONTROL, look up Dr. EMMA KATZ, on Substack. She is the world-renowned researcher who has scientific research about Coercive Control, Post Separation Abuse, and the Mother-Child Relationship. Her recently published book is sold on Amazon.

The pain and longing never goes away. But surrendering and pursuing radical acceptance is my way to survive and move on with my life.

Wishing you comfort in your journey,
AZ Desertgirl 🌵🌵

TW: tones of abuse

I’m a single mum to a 13-year-old daughter, and the past few weeks have been some of the most confronting experiences I’ve had as a parent.

For some background, my daughter and I have a history of family and domestic violence involving her father. She’s had very little contact with him for years, and I’ve raised her largely on my own.

Until recently, I genuinely believed we had a reasonably good relationship. Not perfect, obviously, but I thought she knew she could come to me when something was wrong.

Over the past month, things have deteriorated significantly.

It started with me discovering inappropriate online conversations with older teenagers, dishonesty about her age, secret accounts and attempts to get around boundaries I’d put in place for her online safety.
Naturally, there were consequences. Devices were restricted, online activity was monitored, and I tried to establish boundaries around honesty, communication and internet safety.

But things escalated beyond anything I anticipated.

My daughter began confiding in a friend’s mother, expressing that she didn’t feel safe at home and didn’t want to return. Eventually, she went to the police and reported that she felt psychologically unsafe in my care.
I’ve since discovered that she’s been carrying some incredibly distressing thoughts and feelings, and that she may have unresolved experiences relating to our past with her father.

And this is where I’m struggling.

I’m not refusing to acknowledge her perspective.
If my daughter genuinely experiences my parenting as controlling, emotionally harmful or psychologically abusive, I want to understand why. I recognise that intention and impact aren’t necessarily the same thing.
But I’m also struggling with being portrayed as an abusive parent when, from my perspective, I’ve been trying to establish reasonable boundaries to protect her.

I’m beginning to realise that she’s learned to keep her emotional struggles hidden from me. Whether that’s because she fears my reactions, doesn’t feel understood, struggles to communicate, or something else entirely, I don’t know yet.

And I don’t want to assume that everything she’s experiencing is because of our past with her father. I recognise that our current relationship may have contributed to how she feels, too.

What makes this particularly difficult is that I’m only now learning how much she’s been carrying internally. She’s been able to express these things to other people, but not to me.

I’m trying to respect her feelings and her need for space while also recognising that avoiding home and avoiding difficult conversations isn’t a long-term solution.
I want her to feel safe with me. I want her to have autonomy, privacy and emotional support. But I also need to remain her parent, establish appropriate boundaries and help her understand accountability.

I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m right and she’s wrong. I’m genuinely trying to understand how to navigate this without dismissing her experiences or abandoning my responsibilities as her mother.

Has anyone experienced their teenager genuinely perceiving them as abusive when they believed they were simply parenting?

How did you distinguish between reasonable boundaries, emotional harm and unresolved trauma?

How did you begin rebuilding trust when your child no longer felt comfortable being emotionally vulnerable with you?

In November 2025, I was reported to child protective services with allegations I never thought I'd face. The accusations—neglect, abuse, mistreatment—couldn't be further from the truth. My daughter has everything she needs and all the love a parent can give. But ACS indicated a case anyway, and now the courts are saying she's in danger around me.

I'm fighting for my daughter's safety, my 14-year career with NYCDOE, and my college degrees. I'm crippled with anxiety, living a nightmare that no parent should have to endure.

I started a petition because this system is broken. False accusations shouldn't destroy families. If you know anyone this has happened to, or if you believe the system needs accountability when it gets things this wrong—please consider signing and sharing. I need people who understand the truth to stand with me.

Has anyone else experienced how quickly your whole life can fall apart based on unproven claims? What would you do if this was your family?

it's been a frightful day, full of tears and emotional conversations with my 12 yo and eldest who is being refused when she asks to call me, and whose time with me is cut down arbitrarily if I've made her dad mad or shown up to changeover late too many times, and is told she is being "brainwashed" because I'm not telling her that the reduction in time is because of me.

i'm so tired of being put in a position by her dad to lie to or gaslight my child, or else he yells and berates and insults her into submitting to his point of view. she's confused. she doesn't understand why she can't talk to her older sister - dad's firstborne, who has never (as far as I know) met.

of course, when the mother of my kid's half-sister reached out to me, I immediately set up a play-date. the one and only time they actually met and spoke. all she wants is to feel like she belongs in a family.

i'm watching her cry and need reassurance through a video screen, and visibly controlling her face and reactions because they are approaching and saying it's time to get off the phone.

this man is a convicted meth trafficker, raped me, used me as a guinea pig to try out imported psychedelics on, cheated on me continuously and then after a year and a half threatened to kill me explicitly while I held our 1yo daughter, successfully lied about these events with his parents' money and credibility, bankrupted me into signing consent orders my lawyers assured me was the best course of action, and now has turned every interaction with my eldest something out of sophie's fucking choice.

she missed her little sister's band performance because he decided she got 4 hours less time today, due to the fact that I had been in total 2 hours late to changeovers in the last month, and she passes on messages that he'll just leave if I'm not there within 15 minutes of changeover time.

for the record, changeover is caboolture. i live in inner brisbane. transit is anywhere between 40 to 80 minutes around 8:30.

i need to work on my routines - i'm not excusing getting there late, and i'm working on it. what kind of father thinks that this is a solution? she's the one getting the most hurt here

she and her little sister and brother are collateral damage and i'm trying so hard to protect them... and today has been really rough.

Dear Diary,

Today I took the girls to the WW2 museum for a read along. It was really nice. Since I've been considering dramatic ways to make ends meet, i.e sex work, I went to a food bank and got food for my daughters and now they should be good until fall break is over.

My oldest said last night that her dad is mean to her. And I don't know what to do with that. I'm trying not to alienate him from them, but there's no court order and he's not adding anything meaningful to their life. And honestly I couldn't care less if they have a relationship. I have filed to put him on child support, but i honestly don't want anything from him. It's just to help me get food stamps, insurance, and maybe tanf.

It's been a month and I've been without work. God is providing for me, and he's supporting me but it's also really hard because when is it gonna be better?
I'm sleeping on a busted air mattress on a floor my mom rents from with my 4 and 5 year old.

The only joy I truly get is that my kids and I are no longer in an abusive situation.

I am not asking for legal advice or anything I just wanna rant and get it out

I've been part of this community for some time. I've been fighting for my child, whom I haven't seen, for six years. I've had a visitation order from the court for eight months. Our separation was very traumatic for both of us, to say the least. People that know me, know how much I love and cared for my child and how much I've been fighting since. How painful and life changing this has been, how my life has essentially been on hold, while I've been fighting; refusing to date because of the emotional baggage. For example. Meanwhile, being in therapy as we're supposed to be healthy, living our "best lives" somehow. In efforts for reunification and visitation, we've been working with professionals and it's been such a rocky road. We live in different states and there's been issues, we're now utilizing our second agency. After months, I still haven't seen or spoken to my child. Regardless that they have their own therapist and have been working independently with them for years, towards reunification.

The kicker is THIS: I've learned, that my child basically doesn't want me in their life. They want me to know they're ok, but they're happy where they're at. My child doesn't have a mother or mother figure in their life. When we were separated, their father was a complete unknown up to that point. The man was a total stranger. He's also extremely wealthy, a total narcissist and abusive. What I'm being made to swallow is that my child's reality isn't reality. I have these professionals telling me, as my child remembers things is their truth and I need to honor that. My child has blatantly been brainwashed. I have this person that I'm basically paying $250/hr telling me what I have to accept and none of it is peaches and cream and none of it is truthful. And I hate EVERY bit of it.

It made me sick all over again. It's reliving the pain. I have a bedroom here for my child. I try to stay as entwined and engaged in my child's life as possible. With letters, packages, gifts, treat bags to his class and entire grade at school.. I don't know that my child will ever know or understand how devastating this separation has been, how deeply or how hard I have fought, I don't know how to even appropriately express myself... The emotional and financial burden... When I said to the therapist "I raised a happy and healthy child" and for them to respond "that's not how they remember it" ... Wait, what? I left my career to stay home and raise my child. I have photos from every day of their life. Testimonials from everyone that knew us and our life together. ... None of that matters. Somehow I need to repair the damage that's been done and accept the fact that I lost my child. Grieve the death of those dreams a mother has. I never knew true love until I held that baby in my arms. This is never how I envisioned motherhood. I grieve every day for the child I've lost. This fight isn't easy. It will destroy you, if you let it.

My daughter married an ex-JW man last year. Neither of them are religious. She has gone no contact with me after what seemed like a minor disagreement and since knowing him has also dumped several longtime friends and a former partner. She and I recently met and it felt like we made a lot of headway with it ending in her saying she loved me and we should get together soon. She went home and two days later when I inquired about getting together she said she changed her mind and also wouldn't attend my 75th birthday party. Is it a thing that some former JWs continue with what they grew up with - coercive control - while leaving the church?