r/ParentalAlienation

Hi,

I'm just wondering has anyone being in a similar situation or possibly could advise me.

A number of years ago I found my wife to be cheating on me while our children where 9 & 10 years of age.When I found out I approached her about it & she started to become psycial to me & not allowing me to sleep etc which included turning the tv on at as a example 3 am or 2 am knowing I was up for work at 4am for work etc.

I ended up going as part of the divorce to court & i signed my part of the house over to her as in my mindset I wanted my children to be safe with a roof over there head & not get caught up in what was going on in the background.

For the last number of years I have tried phoning my children & I've got no response from either of them & I got a text message from my daughter approximately 2 years ago telling me never to contact her again.

I regularly try phoning my son as he is now 20 years of age but the phone just rings out.

I do email there mam & ask can she tell me how my children are bit she says if at all that they are adults & contact them yourself.

Yet I have had no contact with them for years & I regularly try & would take any opportunity to explain to them why I left the house & remind them how I feel about them & I am always thinking of them.

I also went to court a number of years ago for access & the judge said because they are both adults they cannot be forced to speak or see me.

Has anyone any advice how I can try get in contact with them please or any idea's what I can do?

Thank you in advance

My daughter cut me out of her life in 2012. The reason goes back to something that happened when she was 13 years old. Her stepfather, who is still my husband, exposed himself to her. He apologized, promised it would never happen again, and as far as I know, it never did.
For many years, our family moved forward. Then when my daughter had children of her own, she brought the incident back up and said she did not want her children around my husband. While she still allowed me to have a relationship with her and my grandchildren, things changed after I took the children to lunch one day. They were young at the time, and I told them that their grandfather would never hurt them, that he was a good man who had made a mistake many years ago.
When they told their mother what I had said, she cut me out of all of their lives. My husband had been a provider throughout her childhood. He paid for private school, bought her a car when she graduated, and was involved in raising her. She remembers him very differently than I do.
The years have passed, and my grandchildren are now adults. None of them want a relationship with me. I believe my daughter influenced how they see both me and my husband, though I know she would see it differently.
I have come to accept that I cannot change any of it. Still, acceptance does not erase the grief. I miss my daughter. I miss my grandchildren. And even after all these years, the loss still hurts.

she used to come to my house every weekend, was a smiling and happy kid until the last few visits…. during the week she is with her fathers elderly parents that have nothing but contempt for me because of the way things ended years ago between her father and I. my daughter told me regularly that whenever she would come home from time spent with me, her grandmother and grandfather would question and shame her endlessly, go through her things and shame her about gifts like clothing that I bought her…. she conceded to their will and stopped coming over, became angry and hateful towards me and even told lies to her school counselor about me (I’m her mom btw), which were then reported to CPS and an investigation ensued and it was closed labeled unfounded. Well now she has told her new counselor at school this year something else and I have now been called again by child haven, and the lady wouldn’t even tell me what she said… I have an appointment Monday to go down there and talk to the lady, but until then I am beside myself with grief and worry. sadly, I work just to pay bills and haven’t been able to afford an attorney to go back to family court, and was traumatized by family court in the past, so doing it all on my own without a lawyer (his family has big money for big lawyers) seems like a really bad idea. It’s been hell watching my daughter go from a happy go lucky child to a depressed and dysfunctional teenager now…. In all the pictures of her now she never has a smile and looks very sad. Just venting to help with my grief right now. Thanks for reading

I am a single father to my daughter. I just moved to IL from Texas to be with her more. The mom is dating her attorney, they try to get me arrested. My ex, manipulates my daughter, tries to force me out of her life, throws away her jewelry and stuffed animals from my house Files countless nonstop motions to the court and the judge is extremely biased and buddy buddy with her attorney.

How do i file to get a new judge, report her attorney, Make her stop filing motions and stop the alienation.

My my daughter will come to my house and tell me she doesn’t feel safe with her mom that she doesn’t wanna go to her mom’s. She says stuff like I’m scared of the dark because she doesn’t want bad guys to get her when I ask her who the bad guys are she says Nate a.k.a., my exs Attorney. She will say things like can you please ask the judge to let me spend more time with you at five years old.

I have multiple videos and recordings of my daughter saying that Nate has hit her. He comes in a room at night. She doesn’t feel safe with him, but my attorney say that it seems like I’m coaching her and nothing has been done about it.

what do I do? What kind of attorneys take defamation cases? How do I get this to stop and get more time with my daughter?

It’s been 3 years and counting. I’ve spent over 600k on attorney fees. The appointed GAL was extremely biased to her. He talked to me then threw out all the evidence and stuff I showed him to dismiss her OP she filed. She falsified an OP and a pregnancy test, my attorneys fight with me instead of filing motions. they don’t want to stand up to the judge or her attorney.

My ex is declining counseling because she knows it would expose them.

I’ve tried to push for it so it takes away the accusation of “me couching her”

Someone help!!!

Is it bad that I hate the father of my child. He’s the most dishonest prick and powerful person I’ve ever met.

He is a cop. He manipulated the system to get my daughter. He had me arrested 3 years ago when I lived with him and ever since I had to fight to see the child I birthed.

I wish I listened to the people around me. Now I moved to be near my daughter in butt fuck nowhere and I feel like I’m so lost. Lost because I gave up my entire career and life to fight. My daughter loves her dad and it warms my heart but seeing him and being around him hurts me. He’s living this perfect life while I’m left to prove myself and find myself again. He has a new girlfriend and a full support system. I have no support near but my bed that I cry in every night.

He used my post partum depression as grounds in court and so many false allegations. I’m fighting a battle I know I’ll never win. I contemplated leaving fully but then I realized my daughter needs me. But what can I do when he’s the system. He’s the law. He’s also 13 years older than me. I’m ranting now.

I’m just so depleted. I no longer know what to do. I feel like it’s my fault for being naïve and trusting him. I feel so dumb Because if I never returned back to living with him so we can be a family I’d never be in this situation. I’m an idiot for not listening.

I feel like I’m not her mom. I feel like I’m a part time babysitter. I’m on a rollercoaster, anybody been in my shoes?Or am I just dumb? What should I do? Gimme some advice but don’t break my already broken heart.

I havent heard from my two teens since January. I still reach out once a week. I send cards every two weeks. Recently they have been taking out the gift cards and money and sending the cards back taped closed. They reply to my texts and tell me to kill myself, that I had an affair that ended the marriage (I didn't), and even said my house has bed bugs and I'm "filthy". All I did wrong was not reconcile the divorce when their dad asked. I'm in therapy and have accepted my missteps and I'm trying to be a better mom and human. I work full time (I send 620 a week to their father but he's always asking for more). I never badmouth their father. I try to stay busy with art, movies, music, and journaling. I read a lot of books. I decorate my condo. I still have a void I can't seem to fill. I try to be around other people but still feel lonely. What do you guys do to fill the void? I'm not completely comfortable telling my story to the people I know, but they mostly know it was a nasty divorce. I deal with a lot of shame that I assume is the root of the loneliness. How do you get through it? I'm just so sad sometimes but it feels like a dull throbbing flatness if that makes any sense. Looking for at least some kindred spirits to know I'm not alone. Coming from an empty soul.

I am a single father to my daughter. I just moved to IL from Texas to be with her more. The mom is dating her attorney, they try to get me arrested. My ex, manipulates my daughter, tries to force me out of her life, throws away her jewelry and stuffed animals from my house Files countless nonstop motions to the court and the judge is extremely biased and buddy buddy with her attorney.

How do i file to get a new judge, report her attorney, Make her stop filing motions and stop the alienation.

My my daughter will come to my house and tell me she doesn’t feel safe with her mom that she doesn’t wanna go to her mom’s. She says stuff like I’m scared of the dark because she doesn’t want bad guys to get her when I ask her who the bad guys are she says Nate a.k.a., my exs Attorney. She will say things like can you please ask the judge to let me spend more time with you at five years old.

I have multiple videos and recordings of my daughter saying that Nate has hit her. He comes in a room at night. She doesn’t feel safe with him, but my attorney say that it seems like I’m coaching her and nothing has been done about it.

what do I do? What kind of attorneys take defamation cases? How do I get this to stop and get more time with my daughter?

It’s been 3 years and counting.

Someone help!!!

I’ve had a great journey as a parent by finally with a child. Now being 13 1/2, many years of disparaging comments have taken their toll.

The last 2 to 3 years has been met with great hostility towards me and it is all because the other parent decided to give the child adult problems and make the child her friend. It’s sad.

To see so many years of such a wonderful relationship go so sour and all because of negative influence and disparaging comments towards me.

My faith has gotten me far in all of this, and I don’t know what the future holds.

It got so sour that upon agreeing to get the child a mobile phone, the mom decided not to uphold the agreement and set up parental controls. Instead, she does not allow the phone here and it has become an even greater dividing point.

In other words, I was made to look like the parent who would be reading the phone when in reality, the mom is managing everything.

Parental alienation is rather cruel in many ways, and I could see how it negatively affected all of the good values that I sought to teach throughout the years.

I feel much has been robbed from me, but at the same time, I know that nothing is lost. My faith tells me that nothing is lost, and that someday my daughter will be able to process through all of this and have the freedom to have a healthy relationship with me.

Much of this, I believe stemmed from jealousy and control and it has been very challenging to deal with this situation.

The last year became so challenging that I did suggest the child see a counselor however the mom was in denial that there were any concerns.

This was the outlet and the only place where all of the negative behaviors were being channeled. I would love to know the steps forward if these types of things continue. I do know that my now wife and I standing together was the most effective way to change the course of some of the escalated behaviors we were seeing.

As long as I have dealt with this in my life I'm still at a loss of what to do.

My son, now 31, was kidnapped at age 8 by my own mother, his grandmother, and my ex, his bio father. He was hidden from me and alienated severely. I fought for years until I couldn't fight it anymore in court.

Then I thought it would end when he turned 18

Nope

So I kept reaching out and would think we were making progress then it would slide back again. I tried like hell to stay unemotional understanding and neutral knowing he's been through so much.

Waiting for my mother to die.

Waiting

Waiting

Well she finally died on the 15th at *95* years old. Still full of hate, still full of lies, no remorse, no truths, she took everything with her to the grave. So he called to tell me she's dead. That he loved her and will miss her and I kept my tongue and offered understanding. Until.

His girlfriend started praising her on Facebook. Of the beautiful soul she had will be missed, blah blah THEN THEN. THEN. started referring to my son as HER SON.

Over and over.

So I messaged her privately and said um he's My son! She started arguing "he's adopted you're not his mother anymore". Now that's not right. Instead of calling it the BULLSHIT that is, I remained calm and said oh youre so misinformed. There was no adoption. Only a name change and lies.

So then my son calls to yell at me that I had no right talking to his wife that way, and hung up on me. Another lie. They aren't married.

Then I'm blocked on Facebook by him and his "wife"

Today is his birthday. I can't even say happy birthday. I have a present I can't send him.

So today I talked to my daughter for over two hours and learned that he really has no memories of me before he was kidnapped. I was totally erased.

So long story short of it, how how how do I handle this? I've been erased, remain erased. I can keep on in my own life as I face but even if I don't talk about it, it's in my head daily. Daily. I had hope before. Rapidly losing it now. My husband is keeping me grounded but the only thing I can think about is without him, I'll have no option but end my own life to quell the thoughts I can't shut down on my own.

How do I handle this!???

I'm losing it.

Thank you.

I don’t feel comfortable sharing publicly because of the sheer amount of flying monkeys my ex has running around on here but I’m dealing with alienation and I need advice from a mom with experience with this as I don’t know where else to turn. Please send me a dm if you have time and are able to give me some advice or guidance, I appreciate it in advance.

For those of you who have been dealing with parental alienation, high-conflict co-parenting, ongoing emotional abuse, chronic grief, or just years of living in a constant state of stress, have you noticed it starting to affect your physical health?
I’m genuinely curious about this because I feel like we talk a lot about the emotional and legal toll, but not nearly enough about what prolonged stress can do to your body.
Have you developed new health issues since this started? Things like autoimmune symptoms, stomach problems, migraines, sleep issues, heart palpitations, hormonal changes, chronic pain, fatigue, weight changes, hair loss, skin issues, getting sick more often, or anything else that your doctors have connected to stress?
I’m not asking because I think every health problem can be blamed on stress, and I know everyone’s situation is different. I’m just interested in hearing other people’s experiences with what years of grief, hypervigilance, conflict, and emotional trauma have physically looked like.
Sometimes it feels like your body eventually starts keeping score for everything you’ve had to hold together mentally.
What has chronic stress done to your health, if anything?

I was married for 14 years. My ex wife (35F) and I (35M) were together for 16 yrs. Married for 14. We had 4 daughters and a son on the way. Arguing and fighting was something we were not a stranger to. But it finally became to much for me. I wanted a son so bad and was finally having one. To say I was excited is an understatement. I had a 3 day work trip that was about 3 hours away. She would FaceTime me nonstop wanting to see around my hotel room and when I was in training class to see around the instructors room. It was so aggravating and embarrassing. We both had cheated in the past and I know that made things harder on us. So when I got back from the training, I told her she had to stop and try to start building trust again. This made her doubt even more. She kept asking why I was defensive about it and one night when I had to work late, she called me and fired her .380 while on the phone to make me think she hurt herself. I ended up calling 911 to meet me at the house. I get there and they sweep the house, wake up our children, ping her phone, and find her on a back road. I told the officers I had had enough. There comes a point when staying together for the kids isn’t best for them anymore. So I packed up and moved out. She begged me to come back for a while and when she realized I was serious this time, she talked me into giving her a ride to McDonald’s one morning to get her and the kids some breakfast. I had been taking anabolic steroids for about 3 years. She knew this and knew where I kept them. On the way to McDonald’s, she txt a drug task force agent out of another county, told him she is being held against her will, that she was in fear for her life, that I had anabolic steroids and a 9mm, and that I smelled like alcohol. So he called in to the city police department and requested a welfare check. Long story….short I went to jail. Before my court date I went to see our kids and she tried to leave knowing I had to go do some side work cause her stunt to get me arrested caused me to lose my $150,000 a year job with bonuses. So to deescalate the situation I got in my truck to leave and she tries to jump in as I’m backing up. The door ricocheted back and hit her hard enough to make her stumble a little. So she cussed at me and went and got in her vehicle. When I got to court the next Wednesday over the charges from the McDonald’s event, I get arrested in court for reckless endangerment with a deadly weapon. She filed a police report and said that I drug her down the driveway with my truck and never stopped. I’m no genius but an F250 diesel dragging a 5 foot tall 129lb woman down a gravel driveway would have left a cut, scratch, bruise, broken bone, or something. But she had no injuries and even refused medical treatment. Because of this, she was able to get a restraining order. Since then she has put me in jail 3 times by lying to law enforcement. I haven’t seen my children in a year and a half. My son was born and I didn’t know it. I didn’t even know what he looked like till he was almost a year old. She would post pics on Facebook but put emojis on the picture covering him up. When I did start getting to see them, she was calling the law every weekend that I had them till she was finally able to say that I was unfit to have the children cause I left some power tools out during some home renovations, so they suspended my visitations. I don’t make alot of money, my credit is shot, I have no vehicle, I’m living with someone and I’m paying $300 every week to child support. I’m just at a loss here. Idk how to get my head back above water. Idk how to get a vehicle cause I can’t make enough to save. I can’t finance one cause my credit is ruined. I come from a poor family so there is no one that I can get a personal loan from. And I can’t stay here forever. I feel like it won’t be long and I’ll be homeless……it’s crazy to know that just because I didn’t want to be with her anymore, she could literally take everything from me, bleed me dry, and ruin my life so easily. I’m not asking for help. Advice is appreciated. But I think I’ve just accepted that this is just how it is now. I can’t get ahead enough to build back up. So if I end up losing it job cause of transportation or not having a home, then at least in jail, I’ll have 3 meals a day and a bed to sleep in.

Kind of a rhetorical question. This is not a sympathy post.

I’m not trying to be rude either, I just have grown up a lot during this process of being alienated. However, you find alienation, I’ve experienced it in one way shape form of fashion.

It has made me tougher, made me realize people are not who they say or appear to be,
Has made me distance myself emotionally from my child by necessity, and I have developed the main street that might’ve been there before, but just hadn’t come to the surface.

They make you jump through hurdles for something that is God-given and natural human rights of a father and mother.

I think the dirtiest thing about this whole process is someone that you trusted, had a child with, slept next to, had your personal information and finances available to, and they actively manipulate and poison the thoughts of your child against you.

Not only that, in some cases, they triangulate the teachers, coaches, their family, and if given the chance, will try to manipulate your family against you.

But we’re supposed to play nice, if I can’t have access to my child, if someone’s gonna manipulate my child against me, fuck going high, I’m going all the way to the depth of hell in any way I can against the manipulator alienator narcissist whatever you wanna call them.

Again, all things in life were not ideal, no matter how much I’ve tried. People are what they are and I accept it. Not looking to change anyone anymore or try to convince anyone.

Just like the serenity prayer says, God bring me the serenity of the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

I finally learned the difference. This is a situation I cannot change.

I went to the police station for help against my partner in domestic violence. He had been showing change before I went but makes comments out of anger (during the moment) we have a child together under 6 months. There’s no contact. I wrote a letter to the judge handed it into Victum services. Told them I want to withdrawal my statement and I don’t want to testify. They have evidence against him but I just don’t want to be involved and focus on my children. Has anyone been through this? And what happened? Ontario Canada

My ex ended the 25 year marriage almost 20 years ago. Her single bitter jealous envious frenemies had convinced her that a better life awaited her. When it didn't happen, and she met one abusive loser after another, while I moved on with my life, I was convinced she used my sons, 34/40 today, turned them against me. Same old story repeated thousands of times here.

But I thought my sons and I were tight and would be able to ride this out. It didn't happen, they drifted away more and more until I had enough and cut them out all together. 20 years of pandering took its toll.

But now, I realized something. It may not have been her, but the boys themselves.

I think they know something, something so shameful, they couldn't face me. I think they were witness to her endless cheating going back to the early 1990's to 2007 when she pulled the plug. I used to work long hours and shiftwork or field assignments that took me away from home for weeks at a time. I think the boys saw and heard things, and were warned often by their mom, threatened even not to tell daddy or else so often, they became paranoid and scared.

Because that would explain why whenever we were together in the past 5 - 20 years, they were always nervous, choking on words, edgy, as if hiding a big secret.

So my question to the group, has anyone else experiences this type of behaviour from their estranged/alienated kids that turned out to be a dark secret they have been hiding?

I have known about the concept of parental alienation for a long time. I found the term as an adult after go through it as a child of divorce.

However, I became a stepmother to a young child. And for many years we had a great relationship. I pour so much love and energy into that child. But over the past few years it has turned. I was experiencing so much anger towards them and I didn’t really understand.

Now I know what I am experiencing is grief for the child/connection I used to have. The child is now a stranger. And I don’t know what to do.

My oldest step daughter used to have a phone that she would take to both parents house. Well... my husband's family uses Life360 to use for emergencies. Him ,his mom, and his sister are the only ones on it.

His oldest daughter asked her grandma if she could have the app, without discussing it with her son, she installed it to this child's phone.

Now the familys purpose for life360 is not for malicious tracking. It's for situations where if his sister was meeting us somewhere and she said she left an hour ago and she's not responding to calls or texts, someone will check her location to see if she's OK. My husband is rarely on it and he didn't realize his daughter was added to the family group.

A few weeks later, hcbm filled a police report on my husband for stalking. The case was quickly dismissed and it was advised to remove the app on the child's phone. Which we did.

My husband told his daughter to only keep the phone at his house only and he was met with accusations of being controlling and manipulative by his 10 year old daughter.

Now as a step-mom looking at this situation from an unbiased pov, I can understand how this situation looks from a mother's side. I don't think the child should've had that app on her phone as I don't have it on my phone. She's always with us so if anyone needed to check on us they would see where my husband is at. But considering the hcbm did not have a discussion with my husband about it and went straight to filing a police report, shows her intentions in stirring up problems. Not to mention what she told her daughter in addition to make her believe her father is "controlling and manipulative" what 10 year old says these words unless they were taught it.

I thought parental alienation started when the divorce started.
Looking back, I was wrong.
The pattern started years earlier — with me.
For years, I watched relationships with my friends and family slowly become harder to maintain.
There was always a reason someone in my life was a problem.
My family.
My friends.
People I was close to.
Criticism. Guilt. Emotional pressure. Badmouthing. Smear campaigns.
Sometimes it became easier to stop defending the people I loved than to endure another argument.
So I gave in.
I kept the peace.
And I didn’t realize how much of myself I was giving away in the process.
What hurts even more looking back is that some of it happened in front of our children.
They heard people I loved criticized.
They watched Dad back down.
Meanwhile, her family, her sisters, her friendships and her relationships were rarely treated as the problem.
Then the marriage ended.
And suddenly the same pattern I had experienced personally seemed to move directly into my relationship with my children.
Badmouthing.
Limiting contact.
Interfering with communication.
Withholding important information.
Confiding adult problems to children.
Creating the impression that Dad was dangerous.
Making children feel like they had to choose sides.
Encouraging secrecy.
Interfering with medical, school and therapy information.
Keeping my name off records.
Turning normal reactions from a scared and grieving father into evidence against him.
Then came the smear campaign.
Police reports.
Allegations I strongly dispute.
An arrest.
Restricted communication.
And the loss of the everyday relationship I had always had with my children.
The craziest part?
I wrote my book before this stage of the alienation ever happened.
When I go back and read what I wrote about our marriage, I can see the warning signs everywhere.
The isolation.
The criticism.
The constant need to keep the peace.
The feeling that defending myself somehow made me the problem.
The slow disappearance of my own voice.
I read it now and think:
How did I not see it?
Maybe because when you’re living inside something every day, it doesn’t look like a pattern.
It just looks like Tuesday.
You adjust.
You apologize.
You surrender another little piece of yourself.
You tell yourself you’re keeping your family together.
Until one day you look back and realize how much you surrendered just trying to keep everyone else happy.
And when the same tactics begin affecting your relationship with your children, you finally recognize them for what they are.
I can’t change how long it took me to see it.
But I can make damn sure I don’t stay blind to it anymore.
And above everything else, my children deserve to know that they never have to choose between loving their mom and loving their dad.
They are allowed to love us both.
Always.

https://a.co/d/02wcJWwp

My kids were young in the 1998-2005’s. There was no self help books, no social media, no internet back then. When I went through parental alienation with my first child at 11, I had absolutely no resources. Even therapists weren’t that acquainted with the term of coercive force of the family.
I never mentioned the “elephant in the room” because it never had a name. I thought I was the only one trying to raise my kids with an evil covert manipulative narcissist.

I was the safe parent that parented alone while he was free and single. He made everything so hard on me, and consequently, on our young children. I was overwhelmed and relied on my daughter more than I should have. Now I don’t have a relationship with either of them, for over 26 years, and my second, for three years.

I’m curious to know how your story turned out.
•Did any of you stay silent to further protect your kids from more harm?
•Did you expect that they’d figure it out when they were grown?
•When they didn’t figure it out, but turned against you, what do you believe was the cause?
•Have you tried writing to each child to try to explain that the other parent was very adversarial? (It wouldn’t matter for my kids, I’m sure).

I would appreciate your feedback.
Thank you.

I had a court date and everybody i knew said they had to work. My kids are with me, and they are big boys 23 months 6 months, why some security guard attack me in my head nose, and eye. They took the kids they are saying in protective custody. And i yet to see them back this was August 4th. This was in St. Louis city. Vander family courts. Been going for almost a year about 3 other children. I was attacked in Chillicothe Mo and i couldn't even have my family get my babies before they let them get lost in dfs custody. Had my 4th baby, at ssm, went to Barnes one day about a knot in my stomach. Instead of getting attention for that, they took my baby and called me mental. I couldn't call my family then iether. I was lost to the system until emancipation myself.

I told everyone to hide thier kids when i came back to st Louis from Chillicothe. This is why. Yes i have a housing for 3 bedrooms. Yes i had jobs, all they wanna do is run you. And say it only works one way. I don't know what they want. My baby's are cry babies, I'm sure they are historical after seeing me beat on and then ended up where ever they are. Why is missouri this way and why is it allowed, every phone I've had is tap. But other crimes are ok compared to, they cry over no car insurance no I'm low income you won't steal from me when they set up crashes it's been allowed. Why is st Louis have been and still is deeply, fantasized with categorizing people and trying to raise someone else kids. If they can't even afford simple safety and people to be patient and take the permenant place as someone's mother. Every child. I just been a target since day one hanging on the wall like a picture frame. Claim to be rescued. I was treated and walk like a dog all through my foster care experience. My kids told me the same thing is happening to them in Independence MO. They are horrible in Missouri the people in control. No justice ever. I'll never be helpful or nice to any one but a child.