r/ParentalAlienation

So there is a new 2 episode documentary on Hulu that I watched this morning. I believe it’s the only thing I’ve ever seen that touches on the topic of Parental Alienation. If anyone watches it, I’d like to hear your thoughts on it.

I was alienated from my Son at the age of 16. He is now 22 and I haven’t seen him since 2020. I divorced his father when my Son was 2 because he threw me against a wall. As soon as the child support section was ordered my ex quit his job and didn’t work for the next 12 years. I still went by the custody orders despite this.

I had stupidly agreed to a 2/3 split with exchanges at daycare (which I paid for). My ex would purposely make our child sick by feeding him sugar prior to daycare drop off. He would vomit white and I would miss work. It was literally every week! I didn’t realize this until my Son was 3ish and told me, “Daddy feeds me white stuff for breakfast. It’s sweet!”

My ex did everything in his power to make me lose the house I had purchased prior to our marriage. Making child sick so I missed work, roofing nails in my driveway so I had to buy new tires, purposely not paying child support, keeping the new clothes I had bought and sending him to daycare in the old clothes that didn’t fit. He would cut chunks from our Son’s hair and send him to daycare filthy.

When my son was 4, he got a job and the state garnished the second check. My ex immediately quit and went into hiding for 5 months. It caused great distress in our Son because his father was just gone. He had to be put into therapy.

He basically abandoned him until my Son was old enough to be his “buddy” and when he got into a new relationship. I was happy for my son bc he always had wanted his father in his life.

This woman finally made my ex get a job. ( I found out later her house was in the final stages of foreclosure). Everything was good until the first wage garnishment by the state. My ex owed $53,000 in back pay and the state garnished 60% and gave it to me. This infuriated his new girlfriend as she needed him to pay her bills. This is when the alienation began. It was initiated by her.

She took normal teenage angst and told my Son what a horrible mother I was. I’ve seen text messages that she sent to my child telling him to make me miserable when he was with me. Many many other tactics and at 16 he didn’t want to live with me anymore. I let him live with his Dad.

My son had a scholarship to prestigious high school and they told him not to do his work and his scholarship was revoked. He was put into a public school that was more convenient to them. He was immediately put on ADHD medication and became skeletal. He dropped out and did not graduate. Prior to her interference he was a A/B student.

She tried and still to this day, to taunt me on SM by posting with my Son. She claimed she was his Mom, he calls her Mom, he was “the child she earned and deserved”. A lot more but this has been pretty long already.

How many of you parents were alienated when your child was an older age, such as mine? When did you decide to let go? How many of you were alienated not by the other parent but by the Stepparent?

Some background info my partner was 17 when he had a baby with a 17 year old girl . My partner is now 28 years old . They split after a year as it was a toxic relationship. Abuse was involved . I have been with my partner since the child was 2 years old , the child is 9 now. Will be 10 soon.

In the last 8 years my partner has suffered multiple false allegations from the mother of his child that he was never convicted for due to lack of evidence every time . She also has taken him to family court for multiple things domestic violence , removal of access to, removal of guardianship , maintenance ( which he always paid she just always wanted more ) etc . None of these were ever granted to her but at the same time she never gets in any sort of trouble or even receives warnings for doing this . We are 8 years together in which he never ever contacts her and is rather damaged from that relationship and just wants to see his son without risk of allegations . She has continued to stop access , to the pool I’d say my partner has seen his son for 3-4 years of his life broken up . She got him arrested and held in a cell 3 times and made go to a criminal court hearing and he was not guilty everytime ( she said he made a gun gesture out the window of his car to her and said I’m going to kill you , stated this was near a shop close to her home , he had proof to be working in another county at this time and date ) . However nothing is ever done to her she’s let away with every single thing ? It’s gone so bad his child is making allegations against him and child services got involved . That case was closed also . The child is apparently jealous of mine and his fathers relationship. I’ve been with my partner every day for 7 years we live together . I can’t possible vanish every time she decides to give access for a couple of months and then stops due to an allegation . My partner no longer feels safe .

The worst part of all is she constantly says “ daddy who “ , you’re not on the birth certificate. She also cheated during the relationship but my partner isint sure of the timeline . She stated she didn’t want him on the birth cert as she couldn’t claim state money for single parent . So he did it stupidly as a 17 year old as he didn’t want to deny her of extra income . However he’s thinking maybe the child isint his and she did cheat , and also overthinking the birth cert thing . I told him she’s playing mind games . But my partner can’t stop thinking about if someone could be capable of putting someone through a court battle lasting 8 years and all he wants is to see his son ? Could someone do this to someone they know is not the father ? If so WHY ON EARTH how could someone be so evil !

I got kicked out by my parents from the house. Today, i had a very heated arguments with them and in which they cussed me and said that," They regret having me". They said that they don't want to keep me anymore because i don't meet up to their expectations and they said that i should live on my own. It's good they kicked me out from the house. I made a promise to myself that i will never return back to my home. I am dead for them. I knew that this was going to happen sooner. I was already prepared. Now, i need to find shelter for myself and some food. They also deleted all my childhood pictures from their smartphones. They disowned me now i don't have any parents. Now, i am on the path of renunciation and abandonment of this world. I was getting indictions from too long that something like this is going to happen with me.

Advice please. I'm at a loss.

I apologize in advance for how long and scattered this post will be but there's a lot to this situation.

When I was 15, my ex husband (22 at the time) started trying to message me on Snapchat and messenger (I'm 26 now). From 15-17 he would randomly message me asking me about my interests, etc. I had a rough childhood and life as a teen (dad was an abusive alcoholic, mom was on hard drugs), so nobody really monitored where I went or what I did. Had a low self-esteem. I was couch hopping by senior year and finally agreed to hang out with him. He love bombed me. I ended up moving in with him into his parents' basement a couple months before my 18th birthday. Got pregnant 5 months after graduation. Decided to marry him solely because I was pregnant. Had my son right after my 19th birthday. I worked full time from the time my son was a year old because he quit his longtime job he had when we got together and refused to keep a job after the baby was born for longer than a few weeks (The one time he did keep a job for 2 months, I learned that he was flirting with a 17 year old at work). So I would work full time, then come home and clean and take care of the baby who he left in the crib all day long while I was at work. Took me 5 years to realize that I was groomed (hit 22 and realized how disgusting I would feel hitting on a 16-17 year old at 22 years old).

I stayed married to him until the middle of 2023. Outr marriage had been dead for 2 years. We were intimate literally one time after I had our son (his choice). We decided on split custody of my son with a non-contested divorce. My son is severely (level 3) autistic and nonverbal. After we split in January of 2023, I moved in with my great grandma, who is in her 90s. I really wanted sole custody of my son as his dad was abusive to me throughout the relationship because I discovered his addiction to porn and his constant flirting with other women and attempts to cheat and would confront him about it. However by the time our son was 3, in 2023, hed become a better dad to our son and actually did help take better care of him, so I felt guilty trying to keep him out of our son's life. We actually got along really well after the divorce and had complete 50/50 split custody.

I ended up getting with a long-time friend after the divorce became official. My (then) new partner was dealing with his crazy ex at the time and she started making false reports to CPS regarding my now stepdaughter. She ended up having her rights terminated and we have sole custody of my stepdaughter now (crazy story for another time). During the time we were dealing with CPS, I explained everything to my ex, and told him I didnt feel comfortable bringing my son to our house as the ex was monitoring us and I was afraid she would make false accusations about my son to get him taken, and as he's non-verbal and severely autistic that he would most likely be abused if he were taken and put into foster care... So we started getting my son and taking him out to parks and other fun activities rather than keeping him overnight at my new place. My ex was very understanding of this at the time and a few months later, whem the exs rights to stepdaughter were terminated, things became "normal" again.

I eventually got pregnant with my youngest son. As I got further along into my pregnancy, my oldest son became increasingly violent with his meltdowns (he'd always had meltdowns, from age 2 on, but never this severe. He was biting, kicking, punching etc). My son also had severe outburts because he was disregulated my house. Autistic children need consistency and familiarity and due to only living at my exs parents' his whole life, the new environment (my house) stressed him out and would cause outbursts. I started feeling unsafe taking care of him by 6 months pregnant. I understood that my son couldnt help that my home made him feel disregulated and stressed him out, and that visits to my home were doing him more harm than good because he was in such distress while at my house. He was happy to hug and cuddle me, etc but just couldnt handle the unfamiliar environment. I still tried to call him every single day and text my ex every day asking how he was on the days I didn't get to pick him up to visit.

After my youngest son was born, I did marry my long-time friend (now husband). My ex's demeanor completely changed. He would stop responding to my messages and requests to video chat, and I'd ask repeatedly when I could come get our son to visit, only to be given the run-around ("sorry I didnt message back 2 days ago. I was at band practice" "I was sick" "ive been so busy" BS). I eventually snapped on him for trying to alienate me, and he threatened to "never let me see my son again".

The threat scared me because I knew that I hadn't been getting my son as often throughout my pregnancy due to the distress and meltdowns he had at my house. It's now gotten to where my youngest is a year old, and hes seen his brother maybe 5 times. I feel like a worthless mom even though I did literally everything for my oldest son for the first 4 years of his life. His dad is currently 32 years old and lives off of my oldest's social security check and food stamps by choice, and still lives in his parents' basement with my son.

My son is almost 7 and the last time he stayed at our house was 3 months ago. He cried the whole time because he didnt want to be here, and it made me so sad for him. He cuddled me and hugged me some but he didnt feel safe here and would scream inconsolably for most of his visit, and would randomly get upset and pinch and try to bite me. His dad guilted

me for the visits because it disregulates him so much.

My ex still doesnt reply to texts for a week at a time no matter how many messages I send and when he does finally reply and I ask to video chat, he ignores that message for weeks. I'm at a complete loss. I feel so alienated. I'm not even messaged on holidays. I essentially let my ex back me into a corner. I dont want to terminate my rights because I think about my son every day and do love him, but I understand he's not happy here for any amount of time, even if he can't tell me that himself. I buy him presents on every holiday and ask about him all the time. I miss him every day. I'm now scared my ex will try to hit me for child support after alienating me if I do push the issue, because he is a bum, and that my family here at my house will suffer because we have bills and 2 other children who depend on us.

What the hell do I even do? I feel so helpless with this situation. Any advice would mean a lot to me.... Thanks for reading if you did make it this far.

We were driving in the car the other morning, and my daughter was in the back seat. She said to me, "Girl children are supposed to live with their mamas, and boys are supposed to live with their daddas, right, dada?"
I was absolutely flabbergasted because that's not something that a seven-year-old comes up with. But obviously, these types of conversations are being had around her when I'm not there. I don't know. I guess I'm just ranting.
Who else has had something come out of their kid's mouth where you just knew it didn't come from them?

We watch as our children's authentic love for and connection with us is overwritten with poison.

We see the innocent sparkle in their eyes fade. In its place is a darkness filled with contempt, inner conflict, and unspoken suffering.

We think of the late nights up with them when they were sick; comforting them when they were scared or hurt; working jobs we might have hated to pay the bills; the diapers and bottles; the playful and sweet, tender times we shared together; the bedtime stories; the special outings; the countless sleepless nights worrying about them and wondering if we were doing right by them. If we could just help them see how much we love them and how much love we've poured into them... If they could just see the clear-eyed truth...

Like quicksand, the more desperately we struggle and fight, the deeper we seem to sink. Even our smallest mistakes are amplified to monstrosity. Our good deeds are painted with nefarious narratives. All roads taken are paved in eggshells.

Lawyers and judges don't seem to understand. Many counsellors and therapists don't seem to fully grasp it. Even the most well-meaning people in our lives can't seem to fully wrap their heads around our struggles as alienated parents. At times, we gaslight, blame, and loathe ourselves. When we're asked about our families, we share partial stories, mask our pain and shame, and move on as quickly as we can. We trudge up the steepest hills in a dark dimension few can truly understand.

Beneath the surface is a torrent of pain and anguish that's hard to describe. We are caught in a nightmarish purgatory between mourning and holding out hope for reconciliation; hope for restoring our authentic, loving relationship with them; hope that we will have a place in their lives at all. But that hope comes with no guarantees and may prolong our suffering indefinitely.

When should we let go and give up on our children?

When do we abandon hope for the sake of our mental health and well-being?

The truth is that we are all imperfect and have made mistakes as parents and partners. That is what it means to be a human. But we don't deserve the rejection and malevolence, or to be criticized and judged under a microscope. Children don't reject their parents spontaneously. Only with the most severe, long-term forms of abuse or where their primary influences are indoctrinating them during developmental years to believe a sinister picture will a child reject a parent. Even with severe abuse, many children will not reject their parents.

No parent should ever have to face mourning the loss of a child.

No child should ever be weaponized or used as leverage.

Parental alienation is a tool of a deeply damaged mind and heart. It is fuelled by existential insecurity and inadequacy. It is devoid of empathy, compassion, and love. Alienation represents a lack of humanity.

Our children's rejection is not our fault. We don't deserve this. We don't deserve self-hatred or shackles of shame. We deserve peace, joy, connection, fulfillment, and love, regardless of who is or isn't part of our lives; regardless of the mistakes we've made. We deserve forgiveness and to feel seen, heard, understood, and accepted for who we are. We are all enough, just as we are right now. We deserve love and kindness today, especially from ourselves.

I needed to hear the words above as much as I needed to share them with you all.

You are not alone in this.

Im paranoid to write here because maybe her mom is here lurking, enjoying the schadenfreude of the pain she has caused me, the knife that keeps twisting

Hi all, so glad I found this thread.

Anyway let me give a brief intro of myself, I am separated dad of 3 lovely boys whom are alienated against me despite being the best dad any child could ask for.

I feel my situation is somewhat complex given I made a bold decision in marrying my ex who was of opposite religion/culture. Things are not getting any better and am always trying to find an understanding into why am facing this in my life however I feel it's a revenge mission on my ex's part for leaving her and for good reason which I stand by.

The latest development is that I made an appointment with a solicitor because she breached a current access order by saying my kids don't want to go with me because I refused them food in a 2 hr period of having them which isn't true anyway, this is all coinciding with an upcoming court date to vary the access to overnight on my request so perhaps this is it just making me look as bad as possible in preventing this.

Anyone any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

Thanks

She was not taken.

That would have left fingerprints.

No

she vanished the civilized way:

slowly,

through edited memories

and careful hands

washing my name from the walls.

Now I haunt her indirectly.

In the pause before she answers

when someone asks whose eyes she has.

In the instinct to apologize

for taking up space.

In the small animal panic

of being loved too suddenly.

There is a grave somewhere

without dirt,

without flowers,

without proof.

I kneel there daily.

The cruelest thing about losing a daughter

is that motherhood does not stop with her absence.

It keeps growing

like roots searching

through concrete

for a child-shaped wound

that no longer speaks back.

Some nights

I hear her childhood

moving through the house

like cutlery in another room.

But when I open the door,

even the silence

refuses to call me mother.

I miss them so much it hurts. How did it end up like this? How can he be allowed to do this? What did I do wrong? I had two teenagers who said "I love you mum" and hugged me spontaneously. I was the default parent. Now I haven't seen or heard from the two oldest since mid December. In two days it's our constitution day, and my facebook will bring me memories from earlier years with them in their finest clothes, celebrations, happy times and I just want to dig myself down somewhere. But I can't, the youngest is here with me this week, he's been so far unsuccessful in alienating her, but I fear the three weeks she will spend with him this summer. Will I get her back? Why does grieving this loss feel like giving up?

What did I do to deserve this.

My husband has been going through this for an about half a year. I feel heartbroken for him and also the children that are the ultimate victims.

But sometimes I feel like my husband could be doing more to try to see them. Reaching out weekly or going to games?

When I try to discuss it, I feel he shuts down.

Can anyone provide some insight into why he may not be doing these things? I understand that it hurts him to be rejected but I still think he could do a bit more…

I am trying to approach this from an empathetic point of view to better support my spouse.

Thank you for any insight into the decision making when you’re an alienated parent.

Kids are middle school aged, fyi.

Small backstory, I haven't seen or heard the voice of my kid in almost 3 years, not since I was escorted out of our hospital room by the hospital police. No phone contact, no letters, no seeing them BUT I can write them letters. No reply for years, but I just hope they get them and keep writing.

Today they added me in Spotify and made a playlist for me, titled "For @dontbl_nkasecondtime ." and the description, "Love you, @dontbl_nkasecondtime"

It's got 7 songs. Some we used to sing together! Oh, this is the happiest day of my life so far.

Oh, my God, thank you God. I am blessed beyond measure just to know what's in their little heart after so many years of being patient and respectful.

Thank you guys for always sharing your stories, they help me feel seen in a lonely place. I'm happy to share a glimmer of real hope and reconnection.

I'm still in disbelief!

I’m looking for practical advice from people who have dealt with long-term co-parenting conflict and parental alienation, especially where a child has additional neurodevelopmental needs.

I’m in a high-conflict custody situation. Over time, my relationship with my son who is 12 years old, has become increasingly strained in ways that don’t align with our past relationship or day-to-day interactions when things are calm. Most recently, after I declined to agree to a summer schedule change requested by his father, things escalated again.

My son has high-functioning autism. In the last period of conflict, he has:

• Written a letter to the court making serious negative claims about me, which I believe are not accurate or are heavily influenced by one-sided narratives
• Repeated statements to a psychologist that I believe are also not consistent with reality or lack full context
• Expressed very polarized views of each parent, including seeing his father as the “most intelligent” and generally positioning him as the only reliable authority

I’m trying to understand how to respond in a way that does not make things worse. I’m especially struggling with the balance between:

• Protecting my relationship with my child
• Not invalidating his perceptions or escalating conflict
• Dealing with possible coaching or influence from the other parent
• And factoring in how autism may affect how he processes loyalty, authority, and emotional conflict

I’m not looking to “win” against the other parent. I’m trying to prevent further emotional damage and figure out what actually helps repair or stabilize a parent-child relationship in situations like this.

If anyone has experience with:

• High-conflict custody and children refusing or resisting contact
• Autism + family court dynamics
• Strategies that helped reduce polarization or rebuild trust over time
• Or what not to do when a child is repeating distorted or coached narratives

I would really appreciate practical guidance. I’m feeling like every move I make either backfires or is used to reinforce the divide.

What actually helps in situations like this when the child is already aligned strongly with one parent?

I recently reconnected with my alienated parent. Initially I felt really great about it and peaceful but now am starting to second guess everything. For starters he says he wants to leave things in the past and have us move forward which I can respect but my alienating parent put me through a LOT of trauma for decades and it feels impossible to bring up every now and then. I’m currently in therapy but I have no one in my friend or family circle that understands what a monster she is other than my alienated father. Secondly I feel like he lowkey enabled my mom’s abuse by leaving me with her and admitting to not even checking in on me for two decades when he knew her to be an abuser and could see she was manipulating me to push him away during their divorce. Like how did he know I wasn’t dead in a ditch somewhere? I was actively suicidal at one point living with her and that could have very well been a possibility and my mom wouldnt really care about informing him. He says he regrets not protecting me better but I feel really hurt he wasn’t even the least bit curious about how I was doing. Have any other parents or kids of alienation have had such mixed vibes reconnecting?

My brother has been totally alienated from his two children 10 and 8 years old. They only call him and tell him how much they hate him every now and then. My nephew called my dad, his grandpa, yesterday and asked if he could come over for dinner under the pretense that his dad wouldn’t be there. We were all so excited.
But today he called my dad randomly and said that he wouldn’t be coming because he knew that my dad had “a plan to lure him here to reunite him with his dad (ofc he called him by his first name though)” and when my dad said that he wouldn’t trick him, he said “I believe my mom more than you.”

This is so incredibly heartbreaking. We only want the best for the children, but their mother is in my opinion a total psychopath, how can she do this to her children. It’s mindblowing